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I've been listening to "After the Affair" and "Beyond Betrayal", books recommended to me by friends. They both deal with repairing relationships after a sexual affair. While that wasn't part of my BPDh's behavior, the themes of breached trust/marriage contracts, financial misuse/abuse, and boundary violations are relevant to me. Both books talk about ways to rebuild relationship trust and include ideas such as asking for specific amounts of money to be repaid, getting polygraph tests, setting specific times for checking in or disclosure of information (like email and phone records), etc.

I'm wondering if anyone on here has working on specific trust rebuilding exercises with their BPD? And what exactly you asked for?

With my BPDh, he has already paid me back some monies and we are continuing to talk about more money being repaid. I've asked him several times in the last few weeks to show me proof that he is working (and he has done this). I think I probably need to continue to get evidence that he is going to therapy. I sat in on one session (which was awkward), and I can also monitor this through insurance claims. I'm not sure what else I could or should ask for.

He has also talked about needing to rebuild his trust in me. The context in which I "lied" to him (in my view, withheld information from him) was after things fell apart last year I made some decisions and took actions without immediately telling him. He asked me if I could commit to not lying to him again in the future, but I don't think I am willing to do that. If, for example, I thought he was becoming "ill" again or we were separating, I might do things like talk to a lawyer or make decisions to change my career without immediately telling him. I don't know if this is lying, so much as making decisions for myself without including him in the process and disregarding his needs and wants. Is this a bad perspective on my part?

Good morning LoneRanger,

I am in a similar situation in regards to my lack of trust with my uBPDW not being related to infidelity. Although I don't have much for you in term of trust building exercises, I did find
I Love You but I Don’t Trust You by Mira Kirshenbaum very helpful. She casts a much wider net on trust breaking events than most of the affair related books do.

"Let’s get one thing out of the way. We’re NOT just talking about affairs here. There are lots of ways people betray each other. And small betrayals matter a lot, too. Whether you’ve been eaten by a lion or been bitten by ten thousand tiny red ants, either way it’s really bad. And so whether it’s one big betrayal or a bunch of smaller ones, it’s still all betrayal and it all destroys trust. Trust is broken whenever someone we’re counting on fails to live up to our expectations. When that happens, we’re hurt and it feels like a betrayal."

This isn't a BPD related book but I did appreciated her depth of understanding, specific examples and many suggestions/ideas

I hope there are others here that can give some examples from their experience specific to BPD, I would love to have some ideas to add to my own tool box!

Sync

This is what I’ve read, as described as the “drip drip drip”... the slow and methodical demeaning - devaluing, and destroying of the “endearment” we have, had for our borderline partners.

Even if you are very strong emotionally... and have a strong foundation... this drip drip drip, constant... will wear you down, you have to detach sometimes and somehow recharge your batteries... I refer to this as mental sustainment,

Like most things in our lives, we can’t run on empty.

When we are in the relationship, in the day to day, in the mist, and fog... most of us won’t see or feel this dripping, or even understand how it is effecting us internally.

But one day, something may happen, and the ‘non’ may have one of those “moments”... I’ve read about these moments, called “extinction burst”... in which it all comes out sideways, all of it, at once... the steam has finally built to the point of over pressure... and the valve gives way, and out it all comes.

And most times, the person who is borderline, gets a gift, and now has many pages of negative dialog in which to project back onto the non, “material”... basically the borderline now has validation to punish the non, due to the fact that the non has taken in too much control - punishment, and has gotten very angry very quickly... “cornered”... the borderline is now angry at the non for being angry at the borderline from what the borderline has been doing to the non... “control & punishment”.

This part of the control - punishment scenario, the nons slip up, and getting angry to the point of verbal, and even forbid, physical retaliation... this is crazy making, and it takes a whole lot of internal strength by the non to cope with this constant behavior... drip drip,drip... “somebody please please please fix that leaking faucet”!

This happened to me many times over the course of the last eleven years... before I began to understand what was going on... I used to think it was ALL me, just as my udx borderline wife was telling me... “drip drip drip”...

This is why self awareness and constant mindfulness is so important.

And what sustains mindfulness, the answer to that is self awareness brought about by self education, this part is absolutely vital.

Keep reading, keep learning... this will be your shield.

Red5

Yes! That cycle is so hard to break. The more self aware I am, the more I start recognizing these patterns in my life. There's such an overlap between some of the patterns with my family of origin and my BPDh. It's not just a cycle I need to break with him, but I have to unlearn (re-educate myself?) all of these interaction styles that I was surrounded with growing up.

Thank you for the book recommendation, Sync. Another one to add to my reading list. I've already read more self-help books this year than over the whole course of my life, so why not just keep going?