BPDFamily.com

My uBPDw and I adopted he nephew a few years ago. He is 15 now. She yells at his constantly and it really has a negative effect on him. We took him to a psychiatrist a year ago, because he was having trouble in school. She gave him some meds and told her to never yell at him. (I am sure he told her about the yelling)

She was ok for a while, but has increased the yelling over the past month. I have had a few talks with my son, and he is really suffering from it. I finally told my wife to treat him like a human and follow the psychiatrist advice.

Blow up ensued. Yelling, crying and violence at my printer

I can handle her when it is in reference to myself, but I really do not want my son to be mentally injured by her.

Any advice?

At 15 - he is old enough to learn how to advocate for himself. You can help him do this - and you should. He is a minor but in the part of the world I live in, at the age of consent. Based on what you describe here, again in the part of the world I live in, I would be obligated to inform child protective authorities about what is happening.

If I read this at face value, you have a moral and legal obligation to assist him in defending himself from an abusive mother.

Sorry to be so blunt. But there it is.

Pluck up the courage. You got this.

Rev

Hi and welcome back!  Congrats on adopting your son!   :wee:

I moved your thread here as this board has many parents and step parents who are in the same situation with regard to protecting their children from the effects of a BPD parent.  You are not alone.  Some of the reading material tacked to the top of this page refers to parenting a child after a divorce, but a lot of it can be applied to your situation as well.  

I am an adult child of a mentally ill mother (never diagnosed but with BPD traits for sure) and for me, learning how to handle the yelling with self soothing, validation about my feelings and my perceptions about life from my non parent in addition to any of the communication tools used here would have helped me immensely.  I think most of the adult children who post on the PSI (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board would agree.

What is your relationship with your son like?  Can you have him go back to therapy to help him?  The teen years were very very difficult for me and made so much worse with my moms behaviors.

Can you share some specifics about the sort of conflicts he and your wife get into?  How do you typically respond?

Hope to hear more from you soon.   :hi:

For family court and the supporting agencies, there is a difference between inappropriate and actionable.


If your son is the focus of verbal or physical attack, then reporting it is proper.  Does he have a counselor?  Counselors and therapists, among others, are mandated reporters.  And regular counseling would be so helpful for him.

There you have two options, reporting and/or getting him an experienced counselor familiar with DV, you can choose both.

However, people with aggressively acting-out personality disorders typically resist improving their behaviors.  Or if they behave for a while, they can easily — almost predictably — relapse into prior patterns.  I think that's what's happening here.  The family needs strong boundaries (and consequences) for proper behaviors.  Whatever it takes.

Do you expect to remain married to her once your son is grown and is a man in control of his own life and future?  If so, then why put that off?  Am I wrong to think you are suffering too?

There's yelling and then there's emotional abuse.  What side does your wife fall on?

Is she yelling about chores not being done / her orders not being followed / bad grades?
Or is she yelling that your son is worthless / bad / a burden?

How much yelling is happening?  How much of that do you think is inappropriate and needs to stop?

He is going to learn how to handle himself by watching how you handle yourself.

What do you typically do when she is yelling at him?