In therapy (finally), and potential custody challenges here in Switzerland

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Update:

I have finally left one European country to our permanent place of residence (Switzerland). I secretly used an opportunity to go to a non-profit here in the city (specifically for intimate partner violence, domestic issues, etc.). I met with a specialist who spoke perfect English with a British accent, and seems to be sufficiently familiar with BPD and other personality disorders. The resources here are incredible ...I am lucky in this regard.

I unburdened myself to her for almost 2 hours in her office. I explained all the psychological and physical abuse over the last 6 months, my concerns about what our young children are now witnessing, and she was very understanding.   

She was also straightforward with me. There is a chance that I can get out of this relationship sooner (2 years from now, and still be legally protected to stay in the country), but that I may still have an uphill battle in court for getting 50/50 custody unless I can prove in court that my uBPDw is sometimes unstable as a mother AND involve "child protective services" at some point (which can substantiate sufficient evidence of my concerns), and thus can convince a judge she has parenting problems that are associated with her problem behaviours.

This was nonlegal advice, but she confirmed my textbook understanding of how the law works here in CH: unless there is substantiated evidence of her poor / insufficient parenting and problem behaviours in front of the kids that have an impact on them, and child protective services are somehow involved in the process (which that automatically implies things would be very ugly), then the only way to secure 50/50 custody would be if she agrees to this (on her own) in the child custody arrangement (whether in or out of court through mediation).

At best, I think I could secure 30% - 40% (that she would agree to), and that's if I'm really, really lucky (working very carefully with her in the process). Otherwise, it defaults to the minimum by law - which is much less than this - (for the father), and/or using the judge's discretion based on the case. It's really archaic and old fashioned, but old attitudes about gender roles and cultural norms still dictate a lot of things here in CH.

Again this is nonlegal advice (so I have to take this with a grain of salt), but she did confirm what I suspected: I am at a disadvantage as the father (even though I'm the one being abused). Which, to be honest, breaks my heart. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I see the reality of my situation, and all I want for my kids is to love them, validate them, spend as much time as possible with them, and protect them from their mom's problem behaviours as much as possible, and get them into therapy when they are around the ages of 4-7.

The therapist also said things have been improving in CH in terms of "catching up with the times" (as she put it), but that gender stereotypes and conservative perspectives on parenting still direct things in the court system.

She also said that "recordings" legally are okay (for the court) as long as you let the person know (in advance) they are being recorded, and they acknowledge this. But she said there is no problem using my recordings as a reference to help with journaling what I see as problem parenting, poor behaviours, etc.

This all sucks! It's good news that I can legally get out of the marriage (in a foreign country) sooner if I have to, but this doesn't necessarily benefit my kids, nor does this change anything with the fact that I will likely have an uphill battle legally if she decides to become a "high conflict person" in court, and if she doesn't agree to something reasonable as far as custody arrangements settled out of court, or in court.

I think this really puts the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" into perspective. My #1 goal is to create a safe and stable environment for my kids, and to maximise my fair share of custody (for their own benefit and well-being). I certainly have some challenges ahead of me in terms of custody time that I need to explore and go over with an attorney.

But on the flip side, I am FINALLY getting into therapy here in CH! I need it; after picking up all the shards of broken glass in the kitchen after her throwing coffee makers, glasses, etc., and after safely pulling over on the freeway at 140 kilometres an hour because she's physically attacking me while I am driving (with our kids in the back), after the scratches, bruises, after her verbal and emotional abuse, and listening to all her cognitive distortions and conspiracy theories, etc. ...I am freakin' exhausted, and need to vent and heal in therapy! I have been holding things together (for our kids' sake ...while also being her caretaker) these last 6 months (living in isolation), and I need this now! I am meeting weekly (and privately).

I'll keep you posted. It is painful to think that I might have a hard time securing 50% physical custody, but I am pacing myself, and taking one day at a time.

suisse_chilipep

 

[suisse_chilipep]

Update:

I have finally left one European country to our permanent place of residence (Switzerland). I secretly used an opportunity to go to a non-profit here in the city (specifically for intimate partner violence, domestic issues, etc.). I met with a specialist who spoke perfect English with a British accent, and seems to be sufficiently familiar with BPD and other personality disorders. The resources here are incredible ...I am lucky in this regard.

I unburdened myself to her for almost 2 hours in her office. I explained all the psychological and physical abuse over the last 6 months, my concerns about what our young children are now witnessing, and she was very understanding.   

She was also straightforward with me. There is a chance that I can get out of this relationship sooner (2 years from now, and still be legally protected to stay in the country), but that I may still have an uphill battle in court for getting 50/50 custody unless I can prove in court that my uBPDw is sometimes unstable as a mother AND involve "child protective services" at some point (which can substantiate sufficient evidence of my concerns), and thus can convince a judge she has parenting problems that are associated with her problem behaviours.

This was nonlegal advice, but she confirmed my textbook understanding of how the law works here in CH: unless there is substantiated evidence of her poor / insufficient parenting and problem behaviours in front of the kids that have an impact on them, and child protective services are somehow involved in the process (which that automatically implies things would be very ugly), then the only way to secure 50/50 custody would be if she agrees to this (on her own) in the child custody arrangement (whether in or out of court through mediation).

At best, I think I could secure 30% - 40% (that she would agree to), and that's if I'm really, really lucky (working very carefully with her in the process). Otherwise, it defaults to the minimum by law - which is much less than this - (for the father), and/or using the judge's discretion based on the case. It's really archaic and old fashioned, but old attitudes about gender roles and cultural norms still dictate a lot of things here in CH.

Again this is nonlegal advice (so I have to take this with a grain of salt), but she did confirm what I suspected: I am at a disadvantage as the father (even though I'm the one being abused). Which, to be honest, breaks my heart. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I see the reality of my situation, and all I want for my kids is to love them, validate them, spend as much time as possible with them, and protect them from their mom's problem behaviours as much as possible, and get them into therapy when they are around the ages of 4-7.

The therapist also said things have been improving in CH in terms of "catching up with the times" (as she put it), but that gender stereotypes and conservative perspectives on parenting still direct things in the court system.

She also said that "recordings" legally are okay (for the court) as long as you let the person know (in advance) they are being recorded, and they acknowledge this. But she said there is no problem using my recordings as a reference to help with journaling what I see as problem parenting, poor behaviours, etc.

This all sucks! It's good news that I can legally get out of the marriage (in a foreign country) sooner if I have to, but this doesn't necessarily benefit my kids, nor does this change anything with the fact that I will likely have an uphill battle legally if she decides to become a "high conflict person" in court, and if she doesn't agree to something reasonable as far as custody arrangements settled out of court, or in court.

I think this really puts the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished" into perspective. My #1 goal is to create a safe and stable environment for my kids, and to maximise my fair share of custody (for their own benefit and well-being). I certainly have some challenges ahead of me in terms of custody time that I need to explore and go over with an attorney.

But on the flip side, I am FINALLY getting into therapy here in CH! I need it; after picking up all the shards of broken glass in the kitchen after her throwing coffee makers, glasses, etc., and after safely pulling over on the freeway at 140 kilometres an hour because she's physically attacking me while I am driving (with our kids in the back), after the scratches, bruises, after her verbal and emotional abuse, and listening to all her cognitive distortions and conspiracy theories, etc. ...I am freakin' exhausted, and need to vent and heal in therapy! I have been holding things together (for our kids' sake ...while also being her caretaker) these last 6 months (living in isolation), and I need this now! I am meeting weekly (and privately).

I'll keep you posted. It is painful to think that I might have a hard time securing 50% physical custody, but I am pacing myself, and taking one day at a time.

suisse_chilipep

 

[GaGrl]

Even if the info you received is not 100% positive, it must be a relief to know rather than hover in not-know!

And it's great to hear you are in therapy and have that support!

Keep us posted.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so glad you've found a therapist and also found a safe person to talk to about your options.  That's good news that you might not have to wait the entire four years.

Was your contact able to give more information about what level of disturbance would justify getting child protective services involved?

[suisse_chilipep]

Was your contact able to give more information about what level of disturbance would justify getting child protective services involved?

Thanks WSM. That's a great question ...I didn't even think to explore this yet, but I should know and understand the "threshold," and when I should involve child protective services. I know I cannot expect a cut and dry answer, and there's a lot of intuition and nuance we deal with when it comes to domestic abuse, but I'm sure there are some general guidelines and criteria I should be aware of, and that can even protect me and the kids. Thanks for bringing this up ...I'll mention this for our next appointment!

[ForeverDad]

I called CPS twice in the months before our separation.  Both times the ladies weren't concerned about Ex raging at me in my preschooler's presence.  But both added, "Call us back if she rages at your son."  Clearly the dividing line for my area was whether son was the focus of an attack versus him seeing me attacked by her.