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My BPD wife woke up off this morning.  I came out of the shower and into the bedroom and she had a major attitude. I gently asked what was wrong and she starts going off about how much it upsets her that I give my ex wife child support/alimony. I quietly turn around and shut the door because I can see it in her eyes she wants to fight and is unregulated. She then kicks the door multiple times putting a large crack in it. I swing open the door and angerly scold her and tell her to knock it the F off and stop breaking things.

I walk downstairs and get dressed and as I’m walking to the car I can hear things breaking inside. I run back upstairs and she has taken a small hammer I have up stairs to my tv, stove top, $6,000 sofa, two doors, etc... all broken. I rip the hammer out of her hands and break her nail on accident. She yells and calls me abusive. She then punched me in the face as I’m standing there yelling about all my stuff being broken.

Like what the H. I don’t know what I did today. I can’t deal with this anymore guys.

Did you call the police and file a report?

Is this the first such incident?

Not the first incident at all. She did the same thing early November, I was frantically attempting to open the door to leave ands the door hit her, she screamed “you hit me” the neighbor heard it and called the police and I was arrested. Spent all night in jail for literally nothing. Paid $7k on bail ands getting it dropped. I was trying to ensure my stuff wasn’t getting damaged by her. Today I grabbed the hammer from her hands. It broke her nail. I don’t know what to do as she will lie if I get the police involved. She twists everything to make it feel like I’m abusive. I feel like an abuser right now but am not. I was just trying to make sure my things weren’t damaged. I’m staying in a hotel tonight.

Did you get photographs of the damaged items before you went to the hotel? Can you get photos tomorrow?

What not you can decide your limit. Do you think you have reached it? Why would now be different than any time before?

Yes, I have pictures. I’ve reached my limit but I think about being without her and it makes me ache so hard. I’m super scared to be alone and really leave. At the same time staying in this is so destructive. She hits me, breaks things, makes my life really difficult yet I feel stuck...

As you know, this is a minefield to navigate. Likely it won’t get better without professional help. And as you know, law enforcement typically lays th blame on men when there’s a domestic violence situation.

Have you looked into resources locally that can help you? Do you have a therapist? Are there any domestic violence centers in your area? They understand that DV is not limited by gender.

What is it that keeps you in this relationship?

I have a therapist. I’ve had four in the last year. My wife will complain to me about them when she feel threatened and throw a huge fit until i leave them.

I have no idea what to do. If I involve the police she will do whatever to take me down with her. Yet, she won’t hold herself accountable in the slightest. She will deflect and twist this entire incident like it was my fault.

She flies back home to CA in the morning. I’m at a hotel and am planning on staying here and not  flying back with her like we had planned. The only thing I can do to get her to straighten up is ignore her for a while. Usually that will work but isn’t productive long term and feels manipulative on my part.

By “ignore” do you mean No Contact?

So you have a short term strategy, but that’s just a bandaid.

What, ideally, would you like to do, knowing what you know about her?

Hi Spam.

How are you doing today? 

What you describe is pretty intense and scary.  Domestic violence is serious and you need support of a good therapist in addition to what we can offer here.  I know you said you have had them before but your wife objects to them and then you stop going.  That is not good for you.  Can you stand firm in terms of getting a counselor and staying with them?   Do you have one currently? 

Is your wife getting angry about the counselor any worse than what you are already experiencing?  She is destroying your property, hitting you, verbally abusing you already.  You need support and I also recommend you contact a domestic abuse expert and talk with them about how you can handle these situations. 

You also mentioned fear of being without her.  I think that is something a lot of us can relate to so you are not alone there.  Accepting her behavior is a pretty high cost though.  I am not going to urge you to leave as only you can make that choice and it is one that needs to be made with careful planning if you choose to go that route.  You do need to address the violence though.  I am going to share a link to our safety first article that will help you make a plan in case things escalate again and you need to leave.  Your belongings can be replaced or repaired, your body and psyche are a different story.

Safety First (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf)

Please use the above safety plan to help you keep safe.  You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and visit their website at thehotline.org.  They will be able to refer you to local DV centers where you can talk to someone who is trained and who can talk to you about available resources in your area. 

This situation will not get better without action on your part.   What you have been doing so far is not working so it is time to change things up.  We can help you.  You don't have to figure this out on your own.

 :hug:

Sorry for the double post but I want to share another link to a thread started by Radcliff, a member who also was the victim of domestic violence and who received a lot of really good input in this thread:
Bullying and domestic violence: When do I involve third parties? Pt 1 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=316175.0;all)

Not everything will apply to you and your situation but I think a lot of it will. 

Let's talk about this.

I was not able to name the things my partner's ubpdxw was doing when we first met because so much of it was outside my experience.  Why would a mother not take her child with a toothache to the dentist for over 3 months? That would be neglect.   

You might want to Google the "power and control wheel" to get a vocabulary for what you are experiencing.  It might help put things in perspective.

Panda39