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My ex broke up with me twice before this and I am afraid that this time he won't come back. It's been two months since the breakup.

Makes you crazy when you can't do anything about it. The worst is when you have feelings for another and don’t know if you should just let go. I'm so angry and sad

I feel the same way, i love her so much. How did your ex come back ?

Both times he came back when I chased him. I sent messages about how much I love him etc. He came back and said he would never want to lose me again and that would be the worst mistake of his life and how no one else has ever cared so much about him. During those previous breakups, he also said everything about how I deserve better and how he’s just a sh*tty boyfriend. I also explained in my messages how this is not the case.

But I do not recommend chasing anyone because it's just desperate. And humiliating to you and that other person might just get pleasure from it. I felt so weak and desperate then because those breakups came out of the blue. I think things only get worse over time in relationship with BPD.

Maybe she want me to chase her... But if I don't ? We had written to each other the next day but she had told me that she could no longer be with me etc. They come back even if you don't chase them ?

I think if you try to chase her then she will take advantage of that again in the future. She knows you're always there for her or something and she can do whatever she wants. And she would get satisfaction from it when you beg her back. Do you really want that? Give her that pleasure? To see you as weak and desperate? In my case, my ex took advantage of my dedication to him and the end result is here.

If I don't chase her, do I risk losing her or will she be more interested? She seems very proud of character, For now, I'm trying to resist.

I think the best way to get their attention is when you do as they do, that is, you go on with your life and then she may freak out and notice what she has lost. In the meantime, think about what you really want from your life and what is good for you. By chasing her you may lose your self-esteem and I think your self-esteem is more important than losing her.

You had a relationship for several months, reflecting back do you feel like there was shift or change or that she might of stopped giving you less attention than she did at the beginning?

Do you think that this feels like a shift?



That would feel like a boost for most that are in this discussion.


One by one. Step by step. There's lot of time from now until then.

I saw it as a change, slowly began to give me less importance. Over time she became another, when she left me she was very cold. But during quarantine we were always making video calls and it filled me with attention. Despite everything I didn't expect her to leave me, honestly it's crazy. She was jealous of me, we made future plans. I know it's a classic from what I read, but I wonder how that's possible.

There's different stages of a r/s at the beginning you have the honeymoon phase period where everything is new and exciting you have elated feelings about your new partner.

It feels amazing and it can feel confusing when you find yourself in the next stage when reality starts to set in. In the beginning everything is perfect and exciting with your new partner, you want to spend as much time as possible together, there's no conflict it's all love and romance then you start to slowly see the imperfections in the other person as reality sets in.

I'm not saying that she's seeing an attribute in you right now that is a deal breaker and that is the reason why she's being distant. What I am saying is that reality has probably set in for both of you and you have to think about where you want to go with this, perhaps she's thinking about just that - where do I go from here? Maybe she has similar feelings like you, she could be feeling conflict.

What I'm saying is that it could be not necessarily because of you it could be because she is finding herself in the next phase - when things are starting to become real.

Its a bad thing ?

You're probably right, I just want to be close to her, but she chose to drive me away. I think she's confused too, but when I look at all our photos I see her happy. Let's say that at the beginning of our relationship I saw her strange, I knew almost immediately that something was wrong. Then things got "stabilized" until the sudden end.

Not always it depends on what you're both looking for. It sounds like you're ready for the next stage and she may need more time or she might want something different. I think that you're handling it good you're looking for advice which is good and you're giving her space which is also good. Someone else said that she's being passive but it shows emotions as well even if she is not being direct - you said that she was cold but if you check closer she would not behave that way if she had zero feelings - she would just be cold the whole time. She has feelings - that's another plus.


Just give it time.


Is that so? Tell me more.

When she left me she started crying and said she didn't want to hurt me, at that point I didn't understand where the truth was. I am convinced that she was really in love with me, then something changed suddenly. Unfortunately it's hard to understand what went through her head, she was convinced that if she didn't leave me, I'd be the one to do it. The "I don't love you anymore" seems like an excuse to hurt me and get away, in fact she didn't give me a way to talk about it, she closed all the doors in a second. She was happy that I had been promoted to school too but she kept me at a distance in the messages, I apologized for my father's insults, but since then I have not heard from her again.

Practically from the first days we dated I realized that it was strange, that she had problems you could see, did not always keep the mask of that strong and rebellious. I saw almost immediatly many red flags that scare me, she also changed her expression when she had inner crises. She confessed to me that she had panic attacks, she had a huge fear of being abandoned, she told me "don't leave me I wouldn't stand it."  She scared me because I felt all the anger, but I was falling in love and I decided to stay by her side. I always perceived two people, the dark side and the sweet girl, then there was the passionate side where she became sure of herself, in short, so many personalities in one person... I tried several times to convince her to go for analysis, but in the end she never went there. There were days that told me that she was feel better, others where she fell into tears, feelings of emptiness and impotence. According to her, the trauma was the divorce of her parents, her father in particular.

A part of this probably feels like you’re on an emotional roller coaster. On the one hand you had a magnetic pull with the romantic r/s and then a push with getting the cold shoulder. This has to be challenging. I also wanted to ask if you’re feeling conflicted.

You want her back and you saw red flags and you want her to get help because there are quirks and habits that could use some tweaking. Do you feel conflicted? Is there are part of you that’s saying that there could be problems in the long term?

I'm ready, I wasn't afraid to face hard times. She told me that I had a positive influence on her and I am convinced of it, unfortunately for now the disorder has prevailed. I had no problem staying close to her in difficult times, the thing that hurt me was the coldness and suddenness with which she broke with me.

In your opinion, the best thing is not to chese her for now ? From what I understand from her social media states, she likes to be chased. Maybe i'm wrong, i really don't know, she still mirroring me. For exemple when i change my whatsapp profile image, she does the same thing.

I'm feeling so bad, today i was full of rage and sandness :( !

Anything new? It's okay to be full of emotions :/

She began commenting on the posts of a 46-year-old classmate. And he comments on some of her posts, nothing important but it made me feel bad. She's looking for attention from other people, it's not good I guess. The other day I saw her from afar, she was with her usual friend. In any case, she shared a song that says these words and she wrote it in the ig story : "I need to lose you to come looking for you, even if you are distant, even for one night". Maybe she was referring to me or maybe she wasn't. I'm not ready to be in class for a year, it's just over a month until we start school. I just feel bad at the thought, I don't really know how to do...

My personal experience (currently in a semi-break up situation that hardly even makes sense to me) - is that the more you chase, the worse it gets. At least that's how my (maybe ex?) fiance reacts. The more I texted and apologized, the more of an intense verbal assault and absolute monstrous backlash I faced. It just made things worse.

Now, I'm not texting or calling at all. It's incredibly hard - nearly impossible at times - and I don't even know if it will work or help at all - I am just doing what I can, which is the opposite of what I already tried that failed.

Good luck - I know this is insanely painful .

Thank you ! I haven't written to her since June 20, I'm sick and I miss her so much. Unfortunately I have constant thinking. How long do these behaviors usually last ?

It’s been about that long for me too! I am so sorry - I feel your pain.

I do think it varies a LOT for different people. For me, I’ve had him totally disappear on me twice before. The first time, he disappeared for 7 months. I’m talking everything was fine, and we had a small disagreement. In fact, he did it 4 days before my dad died, and he knew my dad was on his deathbed. He got upset because I didn’t pay close enough attention to a story he was telling (I was taking care of my dad around the clock, and was totally sleep deprived). He blocked me and it was like I never existed.

 The second time, it was again very abrupt and lasted about 3-4 months before I heard from him again. That time, we attended an event. Leaving the parking lot from the event, he scraped his car on the sidewalk. He went off on me, blaming me for the damage to his car since I found the event and it was “my fault” he had to exit that parking lot. He came back super apologetic about 3-4 months later.

I'm going to see her again in September because we're in the same class at school. I can hope she'll come back sooner ? Or she's going to completely ignore me. This is the first time in eight months that she left me

I can’t even imagine how much harder it will be for you when you have to see her soon.

I had thought about changing schools, I'm too sick and I'm afraid I won't resist and therefore jeopardize the school year.

Honestly it’s very likely that you’ll hear from her before September. I wouldn’t be surprised.

What makes you think ? I'm not an expert on this kind of relationship.

I'm afraid she's gone forever.

I don't think she's gone forever. I'm pretty sure that she has referred to you with all those things what she has done in social media. Clearly wants attention by any means. However, your relationship lasted 8 months and I don’t believe she has forgotten you.

Now she's put as a cover image of fb a photo taken by me, in any case she's been gone for over a month and the last time she was very cold.

Well I can’t be sure - the problem with BPD is how unpredictable they can be - that’s what makes it so crazy from our end. One day, they do x and the next, they do y. I can only go off of my own personal experience which is that they usually come back anywhere between 2-6 months.

At the same time, I have heard of BPDs that never come back at all, although that is really rare. I know you want answers. I want them too! I totally get it. Unfortunately, it’s kind of an unknown and it’s sucks to be in this position playing the waiting game
 Hang in there. Try to stay busy with other friends and activities to keep yourself healthy.

I know she's had a lot of relationships before me, but apparently they've all blocked her. Actually, I don't even know how she actually behaves.

Did I do well not to block her ? I left the channels open. It's not total contact, but in the end we don't text and we don't talk. I don't look at her social stories, but she looks at mine.

What did you mean when you said you don't know how she actually behaves?

I don't know what she's actually like at this point, since the person I trusted left me out of nowhere. Who knows what she really does, how she behaves when she is truly "self"."

I feel like looking at your social media stories she wants to know what you are doing and with whom. And it might drive her crazy when you don’t look at her stories. But it is better so, after all, she was the one who left you and she should be the one coming to you.

I know the feeling when you don’t know what your ex is actually doing. My worst fear is that my ex has acquired a new one to replace me.

That's what I hope, but she seems so proud... I don't know if she's ever going to look for me, of course considering we're going to have to see each other again, anything can happen. She said the passion between us was strong.

The same fear as mine, the other is that she's not coming back to me.

I think there is more hope in your case than in my case. I have not heard from my ex since June 19, he has blocked me, and he's not on social media and I am sure he hasn't stalked me. So no signs of anything.

But in your case, that all sounds like charming, like she would gradually split you white. But I’m not really familiar with these terms.

I have not heard my ex gf since June 20 :/ !

My fear is that she forgot about me, that she was looking for attention elsewhere.

In general, BPDs are very passionate. It's really addictive and feels like being on an emotional roller coaster.

Its like a drug, but i really love her despite everything. She was jealous of me, in an exaggerated way, and she cared a lot about me. That's why I was shocked...

i think youve gotten really good advice and insight here.

i think the especially important thing is to drop your guard, and really listen to the reasons she gave for the breakup. it may break your heart to do so, but understanding where she is coming from is really paramount in getting her back.

Considering she told me that if she wouldn't leave me, I definitely would, it may be in self-defense. But I am not sure, in these cases what could be the reason ? Other phrases she said to me the days before the breakup are : "How do you stay with someone like me, I've become a burden to you", things like this. But if it was her fear of abandonment I wonder how I make her understand that I care, after telling me those things she left me telling me that she no longer felt the feeling she felt before, a classic phrase I imagine. I've read so many stories and it's one of the most common phrases these people are saying to break off a relationship.

She also added that I had done nothing wrong and that she felt guilty, I don't know how to interpret it. If her fear was that I didn't really care about her, how could I prove to her otherwise ?
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What should i do ?

its a common saying from anyone who is having a difficult time ending a relationship. the common advice is to basically say "its not you, its me".

what im trying to get across is it sounds as if she was thinking of this for a while. in order to have a shot at this, youre going to need to dig through the hurt, and see this as she was seeing it, rather than how you were experiencing it at the time. unknown to you, the two of you were probably on really different pages. that was one of the hardest things for me to accept and face when i went through it myself.

she, more or less, gave you a "let him down easy" version of a breakup. it doesnt completely add up to you because there was more to it; she didnt want to drop all of that, partly because its really hurtful to be on the receiving end of, and its really not the most mature way to break up with someone to blame them for the relationship failure. she was trying, gently, to tell you shes not feeling it.

the way to reach her isnt to prove to her otherwise. it isnt to make her understand. its to put yourself in her shoes, as painful as that might be, see where she was coming from; that will tell you where this went wrong.

She had no sympathy for my father and I am sure of that, I have a difficult situation at home and I try not to argue with my father so as not to cause trouble. I think she saw this thing as a lack of courage on my part, which is obviously not true. She also told me this thing when she complained about my father's insults, my father insulted her for leaving me without telling me anything. I apologized and I told her that I had confronted my father, but she kept telling me that I had no courage to face my father. In general I have done nothing wrong, I have always listened to her and supported her all these months. And I helped her at school, I honestly don't see where I went wrong. I always made her feel "protected", what she perceived was all in her head and what I said was not enough to change her beliefs. The intimate relationship was passionate and functional, even there were no problems. She hated me playing video games, but I don't think that's the reason. Or did she cheat on me with another guy and felt guilty, could this be a possibility ? We haven't texted each other since June 20, she keeps watching my social stories when I put them, but I don't. She put several states on his social media that could be related to me, I can't be sure. In September we will have to see each other again at school, unfortunately we are in the same class.

It may be even if she felt trapped by the relationship, she asked me strange questions the days before she left. Questions such as : "but if you had to change cities for work what would you do" ? I told her that I would rather not if it could have been avoided, but even here it is too confusing. I believe that the cause is a set of mental films that came to her mind, it went from extreme jealousy, for exemple if she dreamed that i betrayed her with another girl, she would get mad at me in reality (so she cared about me), to states of paranoid anxiety where she asked me absurd questions. She told me that on the fourth of May when we met after the quaratine she was very much in love, then something changed in her... What? Maybe it's because of the lack of constancy of object. She told me that she didn't feel the love she used to, but she was still attracted to me physically. It will be curious to see how she will behave at school, she was jealous of me, I really want to see if seeing me interact with other women she doesn't want to take me back. I was hoping and still hope that she will contact me before school starts. Regardless of her social media accounts where she seemed to want attention from me, I didn't look for her.

I'm very sick, I miss her so much. I wish she'd come back with me, I was fine with her despite her problems.

I'm so so sorry for your pain. I feel it too. I wish I had something to make it easier. For you and me.

It could be that she had a fear of engulfment?

I've read that people with BPD can also shift suddenly to feeling smothered and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw relationships.

Thanks for the support, I really feel alone in this period, because my friends do not understand. My father doesn't understand me, only those who've been there know what we're talking about. The thing that hurts me the most is being ignored by a person who told you he couldn't be without you, it's a scary counter-sense, I don't know what to do, I'm helpless.

Update : she has removed all our photos from her facebook...

I know that especially now it feels like you won’t hear anything from her. But try to think from an outside perspective because it is very possible that it will happen. Let the time pass, and try to focus on your own well-being in the meantime. She will come back if it is meant to happen. I also feel the same at times, but then I try to think rationally as if I were someone outside. Time will certainly help, that she no longer feels negative feelings for you. Those feelings go away eventually.

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