BPDFamily.com

It's been awhile since I posted and I find myself needing some contact with others that may have insight.  My exbph has court on Feb 15th for the Assault causing bodily injury against me.  2 days before is our anniversary, day before valentine's day. 

Part of me wants to be spiteful and vengeful and tell him on one of those days that I am filing divorce.  Really stick it to him to mess with his head for his next court hearing and hopefully send him into a tailspin where he does something stupid and they convict him.  I am tired of it dragging out and I want resolution.

Second part, wants to stay quiet.  I know he's getting money from taxes when they come in because he already filed for himself and S4.  He told me that he is keeping the money to protect himself in case I file for divorce and he can afford a lawyer.  If I hold out long enough, he will end up tapping into that money and spending it and then he will be back to square one.

The logical side says to go with second part, the emotional wounded side wants to go with the first part.

He's been quiet on the court monitored messaging app.  Sometimes I forget he even exists when there is dead air. 

I had a rough night.  I went to the gym today and crushed it on the weights.  Lifted heavier than I ever have.  Felt great and proud of myself.  Then tonight I got thinking of everything going on in my life and it is all just so *$%! hard.  I ended up laying down on my bed and crying.  I didn't want to be here.  I didn't want to be a single mom where everything fell on my shoulders and if I don't do it, it doesn't get done.  I wanted a partnership, someone that would just hold me and tell me it will be okay, someone that wouldn't let me face this alone.  I missed the times where he would show me that side of him and I felt safe.  But those times became so rare, all I think of now is the constant hurt from him.

People talk about abusive toxic relationships.  I feel that what isn't talked about enough is what happens when you are finally free.  The emotional scars run so deep, that even though when you walk away, you carry so much pain, that it seems to take forever to bleed it all out.

Do you have to file taxes for 2020 or does a professional say you and child qualify for deductions, credits or whatever?  If your son was with you the majority of the year, as I believe is the case starting from sometime in June, then you are entitled to file including your son if you file "married filing separately".  Of course IRS will have to decide between one parent or the other so if you're expecting money back then any refunds might get delayed until the matter is settled.

I recall when I first separated that if I filed with my then-stbEx I would get a refund (of my withholding).  But if I filed separately then I would owe money.  So it was better for us to file jointly.  She snubbed me so I filed for the 6 month extension.  Still ignored so when we were in court for a hearing in September, I mentioned it to her lawyer.  He was unaware and spoke with her about it.  He came back and said she would sign IF I would gift her half the IRS refund... which had been MY withholding overpayment of MY income tax.  I wasn't going to bite my nose to spite my face so we did that.  However I made sure a professional handled getting her signature, I didn't want her to have even the slightest ability to later allege I had forged her signature.

Why would they NOT convict him unless he does something "stupid"?

I think that you are overthinking it.  If you are ready to file divorce...file it.

Plus that might help you with taxes and "winning" the tax issue (eventually)

Aside from him and his schedule, what are the issues that need to be resolved to get the divorce filed?

Did you get the legal aid lawyer? (if I remember right you had to get to a new county/residence so you could get that done.)

Good to hear from you again!  Awesome on the weights!  Please keep posting here...more often.  I'm positive there are benefits for YOU...and also..benefits for those that are reading and trying to sort their lives out.

Best,

FF

You will still be able to claim your oldest son on your taxes, right? So you should still get some money back with at least one dependent.

If you can file divorce, go ahead and do it. You don't have to tell him. Sounds like he's already expecting it. Ask your lawyer about clarifying in the divorce settlement which parent has rights to claim the child on taxes. Since he is on supervised visitation, you should have that right.

It may be a hassle to fight it for this year, but the divorce can protect your right to claim s4 next year.

Two years ago, my ex filed taxes before I could and claimed our son. It would have been a lot of trouble to fight it, so I let it go and made sure I filed asap last year so I could claim S5. My ex was really mad, but I didn't care. This year, he "graciously" called my job to tell my manager to tell me that I can claim S5 this year. (Thanks, ex, for your permission to do something I'm completely entitled to do). Ex is so behind in child support, he wouldn't even get a refund anyway:(

I plan to file divorce next month. I still don't have an address for him, but I think there are ways around that.

You've got a 14 year protection order. I think the chances of him getting convicted for the assault are good.

The emotional aftermath of an abusive relationship is definitely hard. Therapy is what helped me the most. That, and one step at a time gradually making my situation better. I've done things that I didn't know I could do and my confidence has grown (maybe in inches, not miles, but it's still growth).

It does get lonely. Talk to us here, talk to friends, talk with a therapist. Build your support system. Healing takes time, but it's worth it. I'm over 3 years out and wondering if I will ever even have time to entertain the idea of dating again, but I would rather be doing all this alone than living with the chaos and stress and fear. It's a trade I will take any day.

The aftermath of separation is so hard.  We have to deal with our grief for the dreams we had for ourselves and our children.  We have to learn how to be on our own.  We have to make so many decisions.  And we have to find time to recognize our old bad patterns and start to fix them.

Be kind to yourself.  It's good that you have a physical outlet (weights - yay!).  It's good that you can cry it out sometimes too.

You have come so far.  Keep travelling this path and you'll be in good shape.

Can you reach out to the prosecutor and ask if you "should" be there? 

If you are there and can give testimony does that help increase the chances of a conviction.

You may want to ask if there is a chance of him taking a deal that would drop the issue after a year or two of good behavior. 

I'm obviously a fan of conviction, but as long as the "deal" doesn't allow him to expunge his record...I suppose that would be acceptable.

I know court would likely be a hard thing, yet I think being part of that would be a big part of your healing and moving forward...even though it would likely not be fun at the time.

Best,

FF

He would not hesitate to throw you under a bus.  Do what is best for you and the kid. If that means filing now because he's weaker, so be hit.  Play fair and make sure it's evidence based, but make sure everyone of your move counts. 

Ponder this scenario...  Would court view the case differently based on whether there is a divorce pending?  (Maybe they have to ignore it officially?)

Perspective A:  If a divorce is pending the officials may consider the divorce is ending your relationship (except for whatever parenting matters) and he can face his consequences.

Perspective B:  If a divorce is not pending, the officials may suspect you two will get back together again, so what what's the point of punishing him for what you're possibly going to ignore later.

Which sounds better to you?

I hadn't even considered this possibility...very wise to think this angle through carefully.

Best,

FF

I am going to have a professional file.  I researched online about the situation with S4. It would be hard to prove that he was with me most of the time.  I was with exbph until middle of June and homeless until October.  The IRS would put our refunds on hold, probably audit us.  I thought it over and it's not worth the fight this year.  I am just going to include it in our divorce decree who gets to file.

I was wondering how we were going to file because we were married all of 2020.  He didn't even discuss it.  He sent me a message one day and said.. I filed my taxes and claimed S4.  I was upset at first, but after talking to a friend and weighing the pros and cons and what would probably happen, I just let it go.

I am probably overthinking.  He's been quiet last couple weeks and while normally I would enjoy it, with his court date around the corner, it has me wondering.  I finally got it contact with the local crisis center and I have confirmed that they are helping me file my divorce and she said that I was "on their radar".  I was so happy to finally hear that they were moving forward with my divorce and custody case.

Issues with divorce.. establishing the situation about custody, any visitations (supervised), child support, who gets to claim S4 on taxes, the type of contact he has with the boys in the future, finally being legally free of him.  The PO outlined the contact, but once he finishes his BIPP classes, he can start requesting supervised visitations.  I feel there is still a lot up in the air when it comes to a legal stand point on the boys.  At some point he will be allowed to talk with them and see them under whatever rules are set.  I'm just ready to have more detail laid out.

Thank you for the encouragement!  It was really hard getting the motivation to go back to the gym.  I kept saying, I don't have time, I am to busy.  I stopped making excuses. It has been providing great mental health benefits and feeling myself becoming stronger has been such an amazing confidence booster.

I can claim S10 on my taxes, so that's why I am not too upset about S4.  I have so much on my plate that picking of fight with that isn't worth it right now.   I am hoping that I can put in the divorce decree that since the boys live with me full time, that I should be able to claim both.

I hope that things go well with your divorce.  I know it's a long drawn out process and I am ready for it to be over already.

I guess I am just upset that I was told that by December that was his deadline for being charged, but since he got a lawyer, he got an extension. 

Back in 2019, when I was unsuccessful with my attempt to leave him, I did it all wrong.  I was looking for a way to distract myself from the pain and I numbed it, instead of dealing with it.  Now I have nothing to distract my pain, my feelings, the healing process.  I am finally finding what makes me happy.  I have to say that I am really starting to see my worth.  Some days it feels the weigh of everything is crushing me.  But as you said, I would rather be doing all this alone than living with the chaos and stress and fear. It's a trade I will take any day.

I appreciate this insert.  He would throw me under the bus in a heartbeat if he saw the opportunity to get out of the mess he is in.  I talked to the tax people and they said the 12th is when I can file.  My next day off on Tuesday, I am going straight to the tax people to file.  I already have all the necessary paperwork.  The last thing I want to do is throw away all the progress I have made because I become emotional.

Thank you for the kind words.  I keep trying to remind myself of how far I have come.  Just a year ago, I was in a back brace, depressed, taking heavy duty muscle relaxers, anti-inflammatories, prescribed pain killers.  Now I am eating healthy, practicing self care and love, and lifting weights that I didn't think I ever could.  A lot can change in a year, only if one if willing to make the necessary changes for a better life.

I know it’s been said before, but I’m really proud of how far you’ve come in such a short time. It seemed almost impossible to extract yourself from such a toxic relationship and now you are flying!   :heart:

Yes, it’s hard to do all that you do, solo. But you’re doing it, and doing a good job of it! Once you’ve got the divorce behind you, you will feel so free.

I have tried a few times recently to reach out to the prosecutor, but haven't gotten a hold of her.  I know she has my contact information because she called me before.  I wouldn't be able to make it on Monday either way since I have to work.  I am hoping that the courts will just do the right thing.  If they extend it out, I will call until I get a hold of them to see what is going on.

I spoke with the legal aid people and they have confirmed that they are helping me with my divorce.  They are finally able to start moving forward with the actual proceedings.  I do wonder about that with his court date on Monday.  A lot of unknown going on right now and sometimes I get nervous because I don't know what is happening.  I remember him saying... "what happens when they drop the conviction, what are you going to do then?".  I wish they had been able to move faster with the divorce process.

Thank you for the encouragement :)  I still remember the exact moment I knew I had to run no matter what.  When he attacked me and I ended up punching him in the eye and making his eye swollen and black and blue.  I sent the picture to my friend that he sent to me and I told her how panicked I was.  She agreed I needed to get out as fast as I could.  Things get really hard sometimes, but I would never trade a moment of it to end up in a position like that ever again.

I may be wrong, but the IRS wants people to use their form used on who can claim the children included with the divorce decree.  I think it is IRS form 8332.  An accountant would know which it is and how to make sure it is properly completed and made a part of the divorce.


When you wrote "boys" in plural my "Danger Will Robinson!" reflex triggered.  I don't know your state's laws but generally if your stbEx never adopted your older child, then he has no legal right as soon to be former stepfather to future parenting access.

Yes, that may be the only father the boy has known, but I would not include him in any legal paperwork where the Ex would have specified contact or access.  Right now you may think a father memory is important, but what if you meet a nice man in the future, you'd probably want him to not have any impediment for a connection to that nice future man rather than that problem past man.

I just think that for the older child the prior relationship is a can of worms not legally enabled.  Fine to say there will be no future connection, but don't let Ex get a foot in the door to any rights or insinuation of rights.

I agree with ForeverDad on keeping your divorce and legal agreements focused only on the younger child. It may feel generous now but could result in problems down the road.

If you have better luck getting in touch with legal aid people, perhaps you can ask them about being in court for the assault charge...or ask them to reach out to prosecutor on your behalf and get details.

I am also a member of the overthinkers club...but I am concerned if you are not able to be there.

If he testifies that he did no such thing to you (assault), then who will be there to testify "against" him?

If you did need time off work, I would think that would be an acceptable reason, even if you did end up missing out on some $$.

Best,

FF

Yes, I should had clarified.  S10 will not be allowed to be claimed on his taxes because once we are divorced, he will not have any legal rights to S10.  S4 will be the one up for debate on filing taxes.  I will be sure to ask about the IRS form in order to file for taxes on S4 in the future.  The way things are going, S4 will be living with me full time and at some point in the future, exbph will probably have visitations.

His court date is on Monday.  I haven't been able to find out I need to go for this one or not.  Depending on what happens, I will have to find out more.  I will be able to look up online to see what they said.  If he got another extension, I am going to make sure I get a hold of the prosecutor to see about going to the next hearing.

Unless you hear specifically  that you do not have to go, please be there.

Essentially you are the witness... right?

Best

FF

Any update on things?

Best,

FF

His pretrial is April 23rd.  Trial is May 10th.  I have honestly forgotten about it for awhile.  Last time I have heard anything from my ex was March 9th.  While going a month without hearing from him has been peaceful, that nagging voice is chiming in. He doesn't do quiet, longest he has gone without messaging was a couple weeks.  I am wondering if his lawyer advised him to cut communication till after trial.

I am following up with my legal aid tomorrow. I talked with them a couple weeks ago and they were getting everything together.  I need to touch base with them to see the status and let them know I am concerned about the upcoming trial.  I am also going to try to reach out to the prosecutor about the trial as well. 

I haven't been on here in a month because it has been quiet from him and I have just been carrying on with my life.  I wish it would always be this way, but I know better and have to remind myself that this isn't over.

I am worried.  Worried the assault case will get dismissed.  Worried that he will come after me and fight to see S4 and try to guilt me into letting S10 come along and if he ever is allowed to have unsupervised visits with S4, that he will make pay for what I have done to him.  All I have done was tell the truth, but her doesn't see it that way.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Good job keeping up with stuff.  All you can do is show up and tell the truth.

Hey..can you update us on a couple of things?

Has your divorce been filed?

Is there any sort of support order in place?

(honestly don't remember either way..seems like legal aid was getting going on the divorce...but I could have that wrong).

Best,

FF

I am trying really hard not to get discouraged, but the legal aid people said they are switching attorneys and have so many PO's they are working on, they are backed up.  She apologized for the delayed and appreciated my patience.  She told me if they weren't able to get to me soon enough if I wanted referrals for other legal aid.  I said sure, but really felt disheartening to hear her say that.

They were going to do it all.  Custody, divorce, and support.  The only thing I have right now legally is the PO.  At least it has kept him at bay and I know he's scared to break it, so that has worked in my favor so far.

I need to get a hold of the prosecutor on his case and figure out of it's virtual or if I should show up or if I need to stay away.  Hopefully I can find out this week.

I can't imagine you would need to stay away.  A big part of the justice system is testifying in person.

So has anything been done on support?  Is he sending any?

Has anything been done on divorce filing?

Best,

FF

I sometimes don't realize how much time passes until I come on here and post.  He admitted guilt.  He has a conviction now.  The prosecutor finally got a hold of me.  Something happened in the whole process and they had outdated contact info for me.  It was already decided though.  He gets a conviction on his record and goes on his merry way.

Legal aid is dragging a$$.  Called a couple times, left a couple messages.  Dead air.  I'm tired.  My close girlfriend is having a hard time trying to find a job with her masters degree and it is really affecting her.  Today is one of those days I am fighting not to just lay down and cry till I fall asleep.

I'm tired.  Of fighting him, fighting to find a better job, fighting to fix my screw up with my financial aid, fighting to raise the boys by myself, having days where I struggle so hard to just function, fighting to keep pushing forward when there are times I don't even understand why I am doing all of this, feeling so alone sometimes, where I have nobody to count on, realizing that I don't want anybody else to help me.  I'm tired of fighting. 

No matter how hard things get though, this is better than being where I was with him.

What sentence did he get with his conviction?

Sorry you are having a tough time with things.  Think it would be wise to take a trip to see legal aid in person?

I wonder what else you could do to shake things up in your life?  Perhaps spend more time outside with your kiddos?  Thoughts?

Best,

FF

There will be hard days. It's not easy to be a single mom with no support. It's not easy to heal from trauma and abuse. It's definitely not easy to do both at the same time.

But you're right, your hardest day doing what you're doing now is better than what he put you through.

I'm guessing he got probation, based on my experience with the justice system and domestic violence.

You have a protection order. Even if you have to wait for the divorce, it will be okay. I'm three and a half years out and just now about to file. Legal aid told me I would still have to pay the filing fee, and then I haven't had a way to have him served because he's been transient for three years. I just found out I can file for divorce without knowing where he is, so I'm going to.

The absolute best thing I did to keep me going during these past three years was to get a really good trauma informed therapist. It's been an uphill climb, but it's gotten so much better. It's still hard never having time away from S5 except for work, and never socializing because I don't have childcare, and making all the decisions myself and doing All The Things myself, but I am used to it now.

I have to sometimes just concentrate on the one thing I have to do right now, in the moment. It's too overwhelming to consider everything at once.

What happened with financial aid?

Do you have any contact with him currently? What is happening regarding supervised visits?

Though I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be a single mom, I do have some experience in dealing with the chaos after I broke up with my abusive ex husband.

At the time, I had to take over all the responsibilities of running the business we once shared, as he abruptly quit. In addition I no longer had any help dealing with caring for gardens, livestock, repairs, etc. I also was working a part time job to make ends meet. My father had just died and it had become apparent that my mother was quickly becoming unable to care for herself due to dementia. So I had to fly to see her every few weeks and begin to pack up her stuff (she was a hoarder) and get her house ready to sell.

I look back on that time and marvel that I could do all that and keep my sanity. Meanwhile, after the divorce was finalized, more outstanding bills started showing up, as my ex had been living on credit for some time. I had closed all the credit card accounts, but it didn’t occur to me that we still had joint accounts at hardware stores that hadn’t been used for years.

My attorney said to just pay it off, as it would cost less than going to court. It was a bittter pill to swallow at the time, but in retrospect it was a small price to pay so that I never had to see him again.

I’m telling you all this detail since at the moment, you are in the weeds with all your daily obligations, tasks, and responsibilities. I get it, it is absolutely overwhelming and it seems like there is no end to it.

But things will change. The boys will grow up and be in a position to help (somewhat  *) lol ). Your divorce will be finalized. You will find a job that has great benefits and pays well. You will at last have some free time.

All these things seem so far away right now, but they will happen.  :hug:

They keep resetting his court hearing.  Next one is a month away.  I am just so over it.  Prosecutor called me last month and said he accepted a plea bargain and that it was done.  I don't know why they keep pushing it back.

I talked with my caseworker and she is meeting up with a legal group and going to be sending my information to them.  Hopefully some good news.

My kids are with their grandparents for another week or two.  I've been working a lot and today I cleaned the apt.  I think I should take a day today and just go somewhere nice to where I can just relax and clear my head for the day.

My kids have been with their grandparents since beginning of June.  I have been working non stop to try to make the most while they aren't here.  Today I am realizing I need a day to myself that isn't used for cleaning or working or some other chore.

Financial aid is just all kinds of bad.  I owe the school money and lost financial aid.  I have to pay the balance and reapply for financial aid, which isn't a guarantee they will give it to me again.  I know I have to get my degree or some kind of certification.  I can't keep doing the jobs I am because they don't pay enough and I will never get ahead.

He messages on the court app.  I turned off notifications and didn't check the app for over a week.  I have no need for constant contact if the kids aren't here.  He told me to go F myself on my birthday.  Then the next day told me happy birthday, he loves me, he almost killed himself on fathers day, he can't kill himself over me and he knows I don't care if he lives or dies, etc.  Just same old BS that done for years.  I didn't acknowledge any of it.  I don't care and I have to much to worry about with myself to care about any of it.  It puts me in a rotten mood whenever I see a message and I'm tired of doing that to myself.

Hey Frankee!

It's amazing he is so bold to do that on the court messaging app.  Any update on the plea bargain details on when it will be finalized?

How much longer do you have before kiddos come back to be with you?

Best,

FF

I had a hard day yesterday.  I started picking up Uber driving to make extra money.  My girl friend has been having a hard time and she was raining on my parade.  I told her about a compliment I got from a guy, she turned it into a "I hate guys, I'm jaded, I would of told him to F off, etc." I was thinking, okay.. well it made me feel good.  Then she was carrying on about the wear and tear on my car, mileage, gas, maintenance.  I'm just over here, trying my best, trying to make money and I have thought of that, but it's only temporary.

I am looking forward to those end goals, but at the same time I try to keep telling myself that I need to enjoy them while they are young.

My biggest things I worry about the most is finding a good paying job to where I can pay rent+bills whenever my housing program is over.  I have until October 2022.  It's another year and couple months, but time will go by fast and I need to figure things out quick.

Uber (and other similar companies) is a slick way to grab some extra money.  I used to do it quite a bit.

Sometimes I would block out time to do it..other times I would realize I had a spare chunk of time and flip on my app, grab a ride or two and then get on with the rest of my day.

Anyway..good on you for working all the angles to bring in cash.

Do you have someone helping you sort through financial aid?  Do you qualify for grants and stuff.  It's got to be frustrating seeing your "improvement plan" put on hold...

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Can I switch gears on you?

If you could go back and talk to yourself a year ago...you would say?

A few years before that?

Best,

FF

If I could talk to myself a year ago, I would tell that version that this is the right thing to do, the future is going to bring such a healthier happy life. I will always remember that in 2020, I signed into a DV shelter on my birthday. A week before I was living in a motel and then slept in my rental van for two nights.  I am such a better version of myself than I ever thought possible.

My girl friend is going through severe depression and some suicidal thoughts, she's about 7 years younger than me.  I reached down deep and what she says reminds me of the darkness I experienced when I was in deep with my ex.  I recalled the time I tried to kill myself by overdosing on prescribed sleeping pills and liquor, the times I had serious thought of cutting my wrists and bleeding out in the bathtub, or the time I had my ex's gun and I gave serious thought to ending the pain. I pulled down deep and told her I understand the pain and darkness. She cried and said I was the only one that understood.

Years ago, I use to ask myself, why am I suffering, why I am going through such physical unbearable heartbreak, what have I done to deserve this.  If I can help even one of my closest friends from not feeling alone in her suffering and that ending it is not the answer, it makes it all worth it.  I pray she understands that life hits you so hard you can't breath, I tried to make it stop, God wasn't ready to let me go, and I am now living a life I never thought possible years ago.

If I could talk to the version of myself even 6 years ago.. I would say, keep praying, keep fighting, your struggle is not for nothing, one day you will rediscover your true happiness and a life that is so beautiful. Just don't ever give up.

I realized something today, my awareness of myself and surrounding are so heightened that I immediately see when something is affecting me. 

My girl friend I mentioned in my last post snapped off on me today.  I didn't do anything to deserve it. I read a text message she sent, I wasn't able to respond to it right away because I had to deal with some things.  When I responded, she immediately attacked me and said I was just like everybody else who leaves her on read or ignores everything she says.  That is not me at all. 

She is a good person, but she's been on a downward slide last few months.  She got her MBA and can't get a job, she lives with her alcoholic mother who is worthless and can't get away without a job.

When I saw that message where she snapped at me, of course I got upset, cried a little because I know I didn't deserve it.  After I calmed down, I realized I need to take a step back.  That reminded me of my ex and how he would pop off like that, threatening to kill himself and taking his problems out on me.  I love her, but I can clearly tell she has gotten so deep in her own depression she is lashing out at me and she has never done that before.

I sent a message and I told her that I love her, she means so much to me and to not give up.  I can't help her.  I have done everything I can think of to try to comfort her.  I pray she will take the time to herself and do some soul searching.  I can't let her drag me down to that depression again, I have my kids to think of.

You’re noticing a new way of responding to others’ difficulties.  |iiii

You no longer internalize the negativity they convey and can see that it’s an expression of the internal pain they feel.

It’s likely that she trusts you and that’s why she was able to lash out at you, knowing that you’d forgive her and that your friendship is strong enough to allow for an unfortunate expression of the desperation she was feeling at that moment.

It’s good that you’re aware of your boundaries and that as much as you’d like to help her, all you can do is to set a good example and hope that she will eventually find her way.