The ripples

[formflier]

What sentence did he get with his conviction?

Sorry you are having a tough time with things.  Think it would be wise to take a trip to see legal aid in person?

I wonder what else you could do to shake things up in your life?  Perhaps spend more time outside with your kiddos?  Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

There will be hard days. It's not easy to be a single mom with no support. It's not easy to heal from trauma and abuse. It's definitely not easy to do both at the same time.

But you're right, your hardest day doing what you're doing now is better than what he put you through.

I'm guessing he got probation, based on my experience with the justice system and domestic violence.

You have a protection order. Even if you have to wait for the divorce, it will be okay. I'm three and a half years out and just now about to file. Legal aid told me I would still have to pay the filing fee, and then I haven't had a way to have him served because he's been transient for three years. I just found out I can file for divorce without knowing where he is, so I'm going to.

The absolute best thing I did to keep me going during these past three years was to get a really good trauma informed therapist. It's been an uphill climb, but it's gotten so much better. It's still hard never having time away from S5 except for work, and never socializing because I don't have childcare, and making all the decisions myself and doing All The Things myself, but I am used to it now.

I have to sometimes just concentrate on the one thing I have to do right now, in the moment. It's too overwhelming to consider everything at once.

What happened with financial aid?

Do you have any contact with him currently? What is happening regarding supervised visits?

[Cat Familiar]

Though I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be a single mom, I do have some experience in dealing with the chaos after I broke up with my abusive ex husband.

At the time, I had to take over all the responsibilities of running the business we once shared, as he abruptly quit. In addition I no longer had any help dealing with caring for gardens, livestock, repairs, etc. I also was working a part time job to make ends meet. My father had just died and it had become apparent that my mother was quickly becoming unable to care for herself due to dementia. So I had to fly to see her every few weeks and begin to pack up her stuff (she was a hoarder) and get her house ready to sell.

I look back on that time and marvel that I could do all that and keep my sanity. Meanwhile, after the divorce was finalized, more outstanding bills started showing up, as my ex had been living on credit for some time. I had closed all the credit card accounts, but it didn’t occur to me that we still had joint accounts at hardware stores that hadn’t been used for years.

My attorney said to just pay it off, as it would cost less than going to court. It was a bittter pill to swallow at the time, but in retrospect it was a small price to pay so that I never had to see him again.

I’m telling you all this detail since at the moment, you are in the weeds with all your daily obligations, tasks, and responsibilities. I get it, it is absolutely overwhelming and it seems like there is no end to it.

But things will change. The boys will grow up and be in a position to help (somewhat  ). Your divorce will be finalized. You will find a job that has great benefits and pays well. You will at last have some free time.

All these things seem so far away right now, but they will happen. 

[Frankee]

What sentence did he get with his conviction?

Sorry you are having a tough time with things.  Think it would be wise to take a trip to see legal aid in person?

I wonder what else you could do to shake things up in your life?  Perhaps spend more time outside with your kiddos?  Thoughts?

They keep resetting his court hearing.  Next one is a month away.  I am just so over it.  Prosecutor called me last month and said he accepted a plea bargain and that it was done.  I don't know why they keep pushing it back.

I talked with my caseworker and she is meeting up with a legal group and going to be sending my information to them.  Hopefully some good news.

My kids are with their grandparents for another week or two.  I've been working a lot and today I cleaned the apt.  I think I should take a day today and just go somewhere nice to where I can just relax and clear my head for the day.

[Frankee]

There will be hard days. It's not easy to be a single mom with no support. It's not easy to heal from trauma and abuse. It's definitely not easy to do both at the same time.

The absolute best thing I did to keep me going during these past three years was to get a really good trauma informed therapist. It's been an uphill climb, but it's gotten so much better. It's still hard never having time away from S5 except for work, and never socializing because I don't have childcare, and making all the decisions myself and doing All The Things myself, but I am used to it now.

I have to sometimes just concentrate on the one thing I have to do right now, in the moment. It's too overwhelming to consider everything at once.

What happened with financial aid?

Do you have any contact with him currently? What is happening regarding supervised visits?

My kids have been with their grandparents since beginning of June.  I have been working non stop to try to make the most while they aren't here.  Today I am realizing I need a day to myself that isn't used for cleaning or working or some other chore.

Financial aid is just all kinds of bad.  I owe the school money and lost financial aid.  I have to pay the balance and reapply for financial aid, which isn't a guarantee they will give it to me again.  I know I have to get my degree or some kind of certification.  I can't keep doing the jobs I am because they don't pay enough and I will never get ahead.

He messages on the court app.  I turned off notifications and didn't check the app for over a week.  I have no need for constant contact if the kids aren't here.  He told me to go F myself on my birthday.  Then the next day told me happy birthday, he loves me, he almost killed himself on fathers day, he can't kill himself over me and he knows I don't care if he lives or dies, etc.  Just same old BS that done for years.  I didn't acknowledge any of it.  I don't care and I have to much to worry about with myself to care about any of it.  It puts me in a rotten mood whenever I see a message and I'm tired of doing that to myself.

[formflier]

Hey Frankee!

It's amazing he is so bold to do that on the court messaging app.  Any update on the plea bargain details on when it will be finalized?

How much longer do you have before kiddos come back to be with you?

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

Though I cannot imagine how difficult it is to be a single mom, I do have some experience in dealing with the chaos after I broke up with my abusive ex husband.

I look back on that time and marvel that I could do all that and keep my sanity.

My attorney said to just pay it off, as it would cost less than going to court. It was a bittter pill to swallow at the time, but in retrospect it was a small price to pay so that I never had to see him again.

I’m telling you all this detail since at the moment, you are in the weeds with all your daily obligations, tasks, and responsibilities. I get it, it is absolutely overwhelming and it seems like there is no end to it.

But things will change. The boys will grow up and be in a position to help (somewhat  ). Your divorce will be finalized. You will find a job that has great benefits and pays well. You will at last have some free time.

All these things seem so far away right now, but they will happen. 

I had a hard day yesterday.  I started picking up Uber driving to make extra money.  My girl friend has been having a hard time and she was raining on my parade.  I told her about a compliment I got from a guy, she turned it into a "I hate guys, I'm jaded, I would of told him to F off, etc." I was thinking, okay.. well it made me feel good.  Then she was carrying on about the wear and tear on my car, mileage, gas, maintenance.  I'm just over here, trying my best, trying to make money and I have thought of that, but it's only temporary.

I am looking forward to those end goals, but at the same time I try to keep telling myself that I need to enjoy them while they are young.

My biggest things I worry about the most is finding a good paying job to where I can pay rent+bills whenever my housing program is over.  I have until October 2022.  It's another year and couple months, but time will go by fast and I need to figure things out quick.

[formflier]

Uber (and other similar companies) is a slick way to grab some extra money.  I used to do it quite a bit.

Sometimes I would block out time to do it..other times I would realize I had a spare chunk of time and flip on my app, grab a ride or two and then get on with the rest of my day.

Anyway..good on you for working all the angles to bring in cash.

Do you have someone helping you sort through financial aid?  Do you qualify for grants and stuff.  It's got to be frustrating seeing your "improvement plan" put on hold...

 

Can I switch gears on you?

If you could go back and talk to yourself a year ago...you would say?

A few years before that?

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

If I could talk to myself a year ago, I would tell that version that this is the right thing to do, the future is going to bring such a healthier happy life. I will always remember that in 2020, I signed into a DV shelter on my birthday. A week before I was living in a motel and then slept in my rental van for two nights.  I am such a better version of myself than I ever thought possible.

My girl friend is going through severe depression and some suicidal thoughts, she's about 7 years younger than me.  I reached down deep and what she says reminds me of the darkness I experienced when I was in deep with my ex.  I recalled the time I tried to kill myself by overdosing on prescribed sleeping pills and liquor, the times I had serious thought of cutting my wrists and bleeding out in the bathtub, or the time I had my ex's gun and I gave serious thought to ending the pain. I pulled down deep and told her I understand the pain and darkness. She cried and said I was the only one that understood.

Years ago, I use to ask myself, why am I suffering, why I am going through such physical unbearable heartbreak, what have I done to deserve this.  If I can help even one of my closest friends from not feeling alone in her suffering and that ending it is not the answer, it makes it all worth it.  I pray she understands that life hits you so hard you can't breath, I tried to make it stop, God wasn't ready to let me go, and I am now living a life I never thought possible years ago.

If I could talk to the version of myself even 6 years ago.. I would say, keep praying, keep fighting, your struggle is not for nothing, one day you will rediscover your true happiness and a life that is so beautiful. Just don't ever give up.

[Frankee]

I realized something today, my awareness of myself and surrounding are so heightened that I immediately see when something is affecting me. 

My girl friend I mentioned in my last post snapped off on me today.  I didn't do anything to deserve it. I read a text message she sent, I wasn't able to respond to it right away because I had to deal with some things.  When I responded, she immediately attacked me and said I was just like everybody else who leaves her on read or ignores everything she says.  That is not me at all. 

She is a good person, but she's been on a downward slide last few months.  She got her MBA and can't get a job, she lives with her alcoholic mother who is worthless and can't get away without a job.

When I saw that message where she snapped at me, of course I got upset, cried a little because I know I didn't deserve it.  After I calmed down, I realized I need to take a step back.  That reminded me of my ex and how he would pop off like that, threatening to kill himself and taking his problems out on me.  I love her, but I can clearly tell she has gotten so deep in her own depression she is lashing out at me and she has never done that before.

I sent a message and I told her that I love her, she means so much to me and to not give up.  I can't help her.  I have done everything I can think of to try to comfort her.  I pray she will take the time to herself and do some soul searching.  I can't let her drag me down to that depression again, I have my kids to think of.

[Cat Familiar]

You’re noticing a new way of responding to others’ difficulties. 

You no longer internalize the negativity they convey and can see that it’s an expression of the internal pain they feel.

It’s likely that she trusts you and that’s why she was able to lash out at you, knowing that you’d forgive her and that your friendship is strong enough to allow for an unfortunate expression of the desperation she was feeling at that moment.

It’s good that you’re aware of your boundaries and that as much as you’d like to help her, all you can do is to set a good example and hope that she will eventually find her way.