BPDFamily.com

I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about my close friend blocking me and going NC.  That post is here:   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348511.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348511.0)

He got back in touch and things continued as they were for a little while.  But we had another disagreement, I’ve been quite stressed with a few things and feeling overwhelmed and he wants help and support with the legal and financial matters he has going on in his life.  He resents my job as I commute and said it leaves no time for him; and has resented my study as it leaves me no time for him.

I was busy trying to submit an essay and speaking to my academic advisor when he text me and asked me to end my call and take a call on his behalf, I ended mine and took the call for him and he asked me to write 2 letters on his behalf as a result of the call - which I did and sent them to him to check.  Over the course of about 2 hours we had multiple discussions about me not prioritising him, we spoke about some of the stresses I’m experiencing but he’s not that great at offering emotional support.  He said since I had ‘given him COVID’ his health had become worse than it already was and I hadn’t apologised.  He called me arrogant for visiting him and said I’d ruined his life (I want to point out I’d had a negative Covid test the day before I visited, but tested positive the week after, I hadn’t wanted to go that weekend but he’d begged me to visit.  He never had any symptoms of Covid and didn’t have a test but believes he caught it from me).  I said that he could have caught it anywhere, it might have been me or it might not have been - this upset him.

I said I had apologised more than once and that I wasn’t going to keep apologising and that I should have used my common sense rather than being pursuaded to visit by him (it was legally safe to do so then, but haven’t visited since as we went back into lockdown).  He just said ‘I hate you and I hate the fact that I rely on you’.  Although he tells me he hates me a lot and then apologises afterwards.

He hung up the phone.  I texted later and apologised for the way I’d spoken to him and said that my resilience is low at the moment.  He didn’t respond and I texted a day later asking if he wanted me to still post the letters on his behalf with no response.

He didn’t reply to either of messages.  Normally he blocks me and then unblocks me after a while.  This time there was no blocking, just no response.  I’ve expected his call for the last 2 weeks as he normally does but there has been nothing.  We’ve had lots of conversations like this but normally end up speaking again, we didn’t even have a proper end to the conversation. I thought it would continue later that night.

It’s the longest we have ever gone without speaking since we met. We’d actually had a few positive days before this where he was planning to move closer to me, and had thanked me for the support I’d given him.

I’m at a place now where I either decide to leave it (my family and friends think this is best) or try to contact him.  I’m still worried about him, and I’m sad about this.  My family and friends think he will try to contact me again when he needs something (most of his friendships are needs led, he even blocks his own family members at times when they can’t help him).

I’m trying to focus on all of the bad times, to help me feel better about this.  But that doesn’t seem to offset the fact that I do miss him, I’m worried about him.  I never told him that I love him in the 4 years I knew him.  I’m sure he’ll just be sat at home thinking I’m a terrible person who never cared enough.

I’m also struggling with the void left behind, so much of my time was devoted to this friendship.  It’s like he has been my partner for the last 4 years.   Work helps a lot to distract me but I can’t do that 7 days a week.

I’m lost.  I don’t know what to do - I could use a little advice.

Thank you.

Minky

He wants help and support with legal and financial matters. He resents your job and asked that you quit an important call with your academic advisor, and instead, write letters on his behalf.

He thinks you don’t prioritize him, while he offers little in supporting you through the stress you’re experiencing.

He blames you for giving him Covid, though you tested negative when you visited him and he never had symptoms nor a positive test.

He says he hates you and hates that he relies upon you. You apologized for how you spoke to him and asked if he wanted you to send those letters. You haven’t heard from him and it’s the longest you’ve gone without speaking.

You’re worried about him. In four years of a friendship with benefits, you haven’t told him you love him and you’re worried he will think badly of you.

During that time he has told you he loves you and hates you and though you are specified as next of kin in legal documents, he has said that he’d never be in a relationship with you.

You work as a mental health professional. If you read the above as if it were written by a client or a patient, how would you advise the writer? What wouldn’t you say, but think?

Wow Cat.  That is very well summarised and I’ve read it a few times to fully get my head around it.  I would think that the person who wrote this is getting very little out of this relationship.  I would wonder whether it was the best thing for them, as it’s not very reciprocal.

I particularly wonder why I never told him I loved him.  But when I wonder why I didn’t tell him I think I was always worried it would be held against me in some way.  And in a relationship you shouldn’t feel that you have to hold your own feelings back for the sake of another.  This week has been comparatively really peaceful, I haven’t had the stress levels I normally have and in fact interviewed for and got a promotion.  I also passed an exam. 

I suppose that I’ve known for a long time that I get far less out of this than I put in.  Investing so much time and effort means it’s more important to me than it is to him. 

I’m sure you’re quite familiar with codependency, but here is a good article to brush up your skills.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Thank you Cat.  I decided to make the decision to block him.  He hadn’t tried to contact me but at least this way it feels like I have regained some control.I think I will focus on getting each day out of the way until the feelings start to fade.  I’m not yet sure how I’ll get through it but I’m sure it’s just putting one foot in front of the other, and keeping my head up as time passes by. And taking care of myself as I go along.

 |iiii