BPDFamily.com

• Early in our courtship phase he made a comment about how we shouldn't get together because "it will end badly".
  
• The woman he was dating before me - he called her his girlfriend and then within a couple weeks he said she wasn't a girlfriend, more of an acquaintance. (we worked together so this was when I knew him before he started with me).
• Said girlfriend apparently would still call/text him for months afterward wanting to get back together.  Of course I can now understand the sentiment on her part, if he love bombed her too. And of course, in hindsight I recognize he didn't discourage her because he needed a backup.
• He told me his ex-wife was classic NPD - "she fits all the symptoms"
• He told me his relationship before his marriage ended because she cheated (a year later he said HE was the one who cheated...guess he forgot his original claim to me)
• He never once asked me to meet his friends or hang out with other people and when I asked him why he said "it never occurred to him"
• Love bombing...oh, the love bombing. Even after he broke up with me he would subtly love bomb.
• He NEVER followed through on anything relationship related - he wanted to rent a cabin for a weekend, never happened. He wanted to take me to the best burger place in the city - never happened. Even later when he told me he wanted therapy to deal with his self diagnosed BPD, it didn't happen (he actually made an appointment but cancelled it in favor of wanting a male therapist but never scheduled one with a male)
• After he broke up with me he kept in contact, even throughout his next relationship. To his credit he didn't act romantically toward me but I was so hooked I couldn't let go of that possibility. And he KNEW I still had feelings and he didn't discourage them in the least.
• During said relationship he shared that within weeks he had made her cry about the direction of the relationship and he had moved her into his house at one point. They were together just under 4 months. After they broke up he said she was "mean" to him, though he never elaborated.
• After they broke up, I practically became his therapist, we had some deep emotional talks, he was so vulnerable and open and we ended up sleeping together a couple times. To me we were basically headed back toward a relationship. I couldn't understand how he could be so vulnerable and deep emotionally and not want to be with me.
• But when I finally confronted him about it he said he didn't want more and that is when he cut off communication. Actually I think it was me accusing him of using me that hit too close to home and is what caused him to split me.

In some ways I feel lucky that our actual relationship was only about 6 weeks - though he kept me entangled for months after. I've been reading stories on the forum here and on reddit and am shocked at how bad some of them get. And hearing the bits and pieces of what he shared about other relationships, I know that it could have gotten much worse.

Its only been a little over 2 weeks and I do go up and down emotionally still, but today I feel like I'm stronger, that I am wiser, that I am growing and that I am learning everyday what *I* truly want and need from a relationship by reflecting on what he did and didn't do. The red flags I didn't see or willfully ignored are now markers that have shown me the way I don't want to follow.

I'm still struggling with the knowledge of how he portrayed his other relationships and how I am probably just another "crazy" woman in his recollection and recounting to his friends. I don't like knowing there are people out there that think of me that way even though I don't know them and will never meet them. Obviously I'm still working out some stuff

When my ex and I first started dating he tried to end things a few times by saying he didn't want me to see "the other side" of him. That he had seriously hurt two other women before me and didn't want it to happen to me. I thought it was just a cop out because he didn't want to get serious with me. I now wish that were true and that we hadn't gotten serious. He meant that, he had a whole other side of him that I'm sure he didn't want me to see.

There are definitely some patterns there. It sounds like you have a good handle on what happened and why.

I broke up with a guy that absolutely smeared my name down one side and up the other, for almost 4 years after we broke up. Thankfully it didn't take long for people to see through him, and my reputation stood on its own. Do you still work with him? I imagine that gets a little tricky.

It was a learning experience, wasn't it?

Luckily I don't - he switched jobs last fall actually though we are still in the same field

Yes. This one wasn't all that bad in the grand scheme of things unfortunately, I've had some pretty bad ones... however I can say with certainty that they were all bad for completely different reasons (cheating, con man/psychopath and now BPD) so at least I'm not dating the exact same type of guy over and over.

This is probably the next step to your growth. It has greatly helped me to ask why I was (and have always) been attracted to BPD women.

If you are concerned about your reputation and anxious what he might be saying to others, the option I went for was complete no contact. It is effective because they lose a bit of credibility in their story tales. If I was portrayed as a. Crazy controlling stalker. Theres no messages from me or calls {they conveniently can hide the fact they initiate the contact and I'm just replying}

When my ex left his girlfriend in order to start a relationship with me, he told me how she had begged him to reconsider, and how she had allegedly asked him to have both relationships "run in parallel" for a couple of months. I immediately protested (note that this was before he and I were in any way romantically involved) and he quickly corrected himself, that this would be undignified for everyone involved etc.

No idea how much of what he told me was true, or whether this was just his attempt to see whether I'd be willing to be the "side chick".


Same here. We'd known one another for two years, then the romantic relationship lasted for eight more months. He presented me to his parents (partially, I think, because he wanted the admiration from his mother and father), but to none of the people he actually called friends.


THIS! I made exactly one request before we got together: that we'd have to do the standard choreography of courtship, going on dates, etc. He sometimes talked about it, but never did anything. I was always the one making reservations, planning trips, organising everything. It was maddening. He would always push his responsibilities on to me. And I was codependent enough to enable it.

Worse were all the broken promises that were big. Such as that he would cut ties with his ex (couldn't do it), then cut ties with her for a year only (wouldn't do it), that he would go to therapy to work on his issues (kept cancelling appointments), that he'd check in with me every now and again (LOL), etc. etc.

He broke every single promise he'd ever given.


That's exactly what my ex did with his ex while he was in a relationship with me. Kept her on the backburner, in case things didn't work out with me. It never once occurred to him that a massive part of our relationship not working out was exactly this behaviour.


Same here. He would literally cry to me about how much he was missing the LTR he had with his ex while ours was still fresh and the comfort of long-term couldn't possibly be expected. I tried to be understanding and interpreted it like you – "he's being so vulnerable, he trusts me, which means I mean something to him". That's not what it was. He was merely using me as a garbage can for his feelings, while never once caring about mine.

Fun fact, his nickname for me was our native language's word for "[plastic] bag". Granted, it's a quaint-sounding word where I'm from, but it's very telling.

In hindsight I really, really don't know how I could possibly have put up with all this abuse. Totally blinded by his physical and occasional emotional charms.


My ex discarded me for the second and final time after I confronted him about not sending me any kind of message asking me how I was, when he knew that I was going through a really rough time. He even tried claiming that he wasn't able to send me a three-second text because he was "busy at work" (working part-time from home). Seriously? When I told him he couldn't possibly expect me to believe that, he got very uneasy. Half an hour later he broke up with me.


This. It never gets better. The non's just learn to cope.

My ex's relationship before me, the woman who was together with him for eight years, never developed (or lost) her own personality to the point where all her Facebook likes and tastes were exactly the same as his. He also admitted hitting her twice early in the relationship – though the more I see it in hindsight, the more likely it seems that abuse might have been constant.

Very early on in our relationship I told him that I wouldn't tolerate being struck even once. During arguments, I could tell he was tempted. I think he broke up with me before he would inevitably strike me – and I'd break up with him.


Good for you!


Even if other people thought poorly of you, what difference would it make? It's just thoughts in their heads, which don't even tangibly exist for you, with no effect on your life.

It also helps to remember that other people think about us far less than we think about their opinions of us. When have you really thought about a second-tier acquaintance you've never even met? Exactly. So not only are thoughts as such utterly irrelevant – it is very doubtful whether they even occur at all.

Yes, this is exactly what I am working on now!  Actually, I know why...searching for the love I never had as a child...a distant, alcoholic father and a yelling, neglectful mother - its the healing that I am working on figuring out now.

I don't believe he is going around lambasting me...all he ever posts to social media is pics of his food or kid lol. I do think if he ever talks about me to another woman I will be portrayed as crazy somehow.  I don't know what he says to his friends, if he even has any now. 

Just typing this makes me realize that my worry is probably unfounded. Who knows, if I'm one of many crazy women in his stories, maybe it well help a new person realize he's a little off sooner than I did.

Do you feel you are crazy? I heard this feeling is a well known symptom of depression.

Don't worry. Crazy people don't think they are. You'll be ok.

Yesss, all of this.  :heart:

I know, I know. I'm working through my feelings on this - I realize that what some random person thinks of me means nothing and there are probably plenty of people out there who think poorly of me  lol I feel like I've been progressing rapidly the last few days so hopefully I can work this out in my brain soon.

Sappho11, thank you for your ongoing wisdom and insight, its so nice to know it wasn't just me. And to know that so many things - the not following through, the lack of friend introductions, etc - are not uncommon to BPD even if they aren't "official" symptoms.

No, I'm not crazy  :). I never once acted crazy in his presence even if I felt it in my head dealing with him. Literally the only thing he could point to is the last text where I did dump a lot of what I was feeling and what caused him to split. But who knows what he is reformulating about our relationship in his brain (I hear that it is common in BPD if you get painted black they start remembering things black. Sigh)