- Said girlfriend apparently would still call/text him for months afterward wanting to get back together. Of course I can now understand the sentiment on her part, if he love bombed her too. And of course, in hindsight I recognize he didn't discourage her because he needed a backup.
When my ex left his girlfriend in order to start a relationship with me, he told me how she had begged him to reconsider, and how she had allegedly asked him to have both relationships "run in parallel" for a couple of months. I immediately protested (note that this was before he and I were in any way romantically involved) and he quickly corrected himself, that this would be undignified for everyone involved etc.
No idea how much of what he told me was true, or whether this was just his attempt to see whether I'd be willing to be the "side chick".
- He never once asked me to meet his friends or hang out with other people and when I asked him why he said "it never occurred to him"
Same here. We'd known one another for two years, then the romantic relationship lasted for eight more months. He presented me to his parents (partially, I think, because he wanted the admiration from his mother and father), but to none of the people he actually called friends.
- He NEVER followed through on anything relationship related - he wanted to rent a cabin for a weekend, never happened. He wanted to take me to the best burger place in the city - never happened. Even later when he told me he wanted therapy to deal with his self diagnosed BPD, it didn't happen (he actually made an appointment but cancelled it in favor of wanting a male therapist but never scheduled one with a male)
THIS! I made exactly
one request before we got together: that we'd have to do the standard choreography of courtship, going on dates, etc. He sometimes talked about it, but never did anything. I was always the one making reservations, planning trips, organising everything. It was maddening. He would always push his responsibilities on to me. And I was codependent enough to enable it.
Worse were all the broken promises that were big. Such as that he would cut ties with his ex (couldn't do it), then cut ties with her for a year only (wouldn't do it), that he would go to therapy to work on his issues (kept cancelling appointments), that he'd check in with me every now and again (LOL), etc. etc.
He broke every single promise he'd ever given.
- After he broke up with me he kept in contact, even throughout his next relationship. To his credit he didn't act romantically toward me but I was so hooked I couldn't let go of that possibility. And he KNEW I still had feelings and he didn't discourage them in the least.
That's exactly what my ex did with his ex while he was in a relationship with me. Kept her on the backburner, in case things didn't work out with me. It never once occurred to him that a massive part of our relationship not working out was exactly this behaviour.
- After they broke up, I practically became his therapist, we had some deep emotional talks, he was so vulnerable and open and we ended up sleeping together a couple times. To me we were basically headed back toward a relationship. I couldn't understand how he could be so vulnerable and deep emotionally and not want to be with me.
Same here. He would literally cry to me about how much he was missing the LTR he had with his ex while ours was still fresh and the comfort of long-term couldn't possibly be expected. I tried to be understanding and interpreted it like you – "he's being so vulnerable, he trusts me, which means I mean something to him". That's not what it was. He was merely using me as a garbage can for his feelings, while never once caring about mine.
Fun fact, his nickname for me was our native language's word for "[plastic] bag". Granted, it's a quaint-sounding word where I'm from, but it's very telling.
In hindsight I really, really don't know how I could possibly have put up with all this abuse. Totally blinded by his physical and occasional emotional charms.
- But when I finally confronted him about it he said he didn't want more and that is when he cut off communication. Actually I think it was me accusing him of using me that hit too close to home and is what caused him to split me.
My ex discarded me for the second and final time after I confronted him about not sending me any kind of message asking me how I was, when he knew that I was going through a really rough time. He even tried claiming that he wasn't able to send me a three-second text because he was "busy at work" (working part-time from home). Seriously? When I told him he couldn't possibly expect me to believe that, he got very uneasy. Half an hour later he broke up with me.
In some ways I feel lucky that our actual relationship was only about 6 weeks - though he kept me entangled for months after. I've been reading stories on the forum here and on reddit and am shocked at how bad some of them get. And hearing the bits and pieces of what he shared about other relationships, I know that it could have gotten much worse.
This. It never gets better. The non's just learn to cope.
My ex's relationship before me, the woman who was together with him for eight years, never developed (or lost) her own personality to the point where all her Facebook likes and tastes were
exactly the same as his. He also admitted hitting her twice early in the relationship – though the more I see it in hindsight, the more likely it seems that abuse might have been constant.
Very early on in
our relationship I told him that I wouldn't tolerate being struck even once. During arguments, I could tell he was tempted. I think he broke up with me before he would inevitably strike me – and I'd break up with him.
Its only been a little over 2 weeks and I do go up and down emotionally still, but today I feel like I'm stronger, that I am wiser, that I am growing and that I am learning everyday what *I* truly want and need from a relationship by reflecting on what he did and didn't do. The red flags I didn't see or willfully ignored are now markers that have shown me the way I don't want to follow.
Good for you!
I'm still struggling with the knowledge of how he portrayed his other relationships and how I am probably just another "crazy" woman in his recollection and recounting to his friends. I don't like knowing there are people out there that think of me that way even though I don't know them and will never meet them. Obviously I'm still working out some stuff
Even if other people thought poorly of you, what difference would it make? It's just thoughts in their heads, which don't even tangibly exist for you, with no effect on your life.
It also helps to remember that other people think about us far less than we think about their opinions of us. When have you really thought about a second-tier acquaintance you've never even met? Exactly. So not only are thoughts as such utterly irrelevant – it is very doubtful whether they even
occur at all.
