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J and I are traveling abroad in late November.  I processed my passport application mid July.  J has been dragging her feet- first wanting to dye her hair because of “grey hairs”.  Then, she needed makeup to cover dark circles under her eyes.

She also has anxiety about her weight AND she has a non-fixable lazy eye- and doesn’t want to have problems fitting into the airplane seat and doesn’t want a double chin and a lazy eye in her passport.   So she put off getting a passport photo for weeks on end.

Finally, we went in to get the photos taken- and she tells me that she’s upset with me because I was supposed to make sure she didn’t have a double chin in the photo.  Reality is harsh and explaining that it’s a PASSPORT photo is invalidating her anxieties about looking overweight with a lazy eye.

But the fact is that no one looks at her passport beyond “is this the person and name on the ticket?” followed by turning to a blank page to stamp her visa.   But to HER, she has what is a reasonably permanent book reminding her of her flaws.   

The fact that they want a true photo that doesn’t hide your face and it’s features doesn’t matter to her- it’s a reminder that despite her attempts to look appealing (in her own opinion) she will always find a flaw in the outcome.   Especially when you zoom into pictures- which she is now doing incessantly.

Any help with this?

Hi Boogie74, thanks for updating us with where you're at.

I hear you going over the facts of passport photos here. Believe me, I know what it's like to have a bad one!  lol  and I am able to use my rational brain to understand facts about those pictures. Sounds like her BPD lenses are impacting her ability to have facts be comforting or deescalating. This makes sense:


You're right -- JADE-ing is rarely helpful or effective in these situations. It's good you can recognize that.

Am I reading correctly that the photos have already been taken, and she is still upset after the fact?

What tools that you've picked up here have you tried in these interactions so far, and how did that go? I.e., instead of JADE-ing, did using a SET statement, or validating the valid, etc, seem to "turn down the heat"?

You have to handle the insecurities. The facts won’t work, even though you are right. An international trip with a pwbpd seems near impossible to me. There is so much planning and they don’t do plans well.