BPDFamily.com

Link back to Pt. 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357262.0

Well I have an update

She now represents herself, she's too poor to afford an attorney at 130k a year.  I think she is also drowning financially.

She filed a restraining order against all of my accounts asking for me to stop spending and for me to give her access.  She did not notify my attorney like she was supposed to, judge granted me not spending but did not grant her access.  Issues, these accounts are my separate property and already traced.  Hearing for June 5.

My kids came home Wednesday and told me mommy cries every day.  I called her to say I was worried.   She went nuts on the phone.  Like nuts I haven't heard in 10 years, I'm psychotic evil destroying her, kids hate me, yelling something slams phone disconnects.

She emails my attorney 20 minutes later.  She gave me the kids, right to designate everything,  the house,  all furnishings and cars, all she wants is 100k from my IRA.    My attorney wrote it up within a few hours yesterday and she instantly singed.   Asking me the quickest way to get the money.

She asked for every other weekend, sat and Sunday only starting in August and no child support.  Told me to tell the kids she loves them and she will see them in August.   Said she has to work to crawl out of her financial hole that is my fault.  So from 50/50 to ill see you in August 2 days out of every 14.  Wtf.

Bittersweet.  The kids needed stability, but she was not a horrible mother.  Who can just walk away from their kids like that?

I called her today to let her know she is welcome to come see the kids and I would work with her to see them the next 2 months, I feel like they need their mother in their life. She said no.  Basically, everything she did to me over the last 13 years she said it was me that did it.  I'm dark, I wasn't equal, and she loved me so much but it wasn't enough to pull me out of the darkness.  Is she serious?  She said I would rather pay an attorney 100k than work with her.  Ummm she never tried to work with me, she filed restraining orders multiple, filed to modify every order that didn't go her way, called the cops, called cps.  Work with her?

She said I won and I stole everything from her.  This was her offer.  I'm just so sad.  The kids were crying.  She told me to tell them she has to work so she can't see them until August.  The kids aren't dumb, they know she doesn't work every day.

I have no clue how her mind works.  Blames me for everything fought like hell to destroy me and take the kids.  Cost us most of our wealth.  Then just gives up, walks away from the kids and said it's my fault and abusive?

It happens sometimes this way.  Not often, but notice how she's blaming you?

Let the kids be assured that you'll help them get through this.  Validate them that divorce is an adult matter and they should not be put in the middle.

Very important... If the money is coming from your retirement account to her, you have to follow the rules of that QDRO process.  I used an online company that were experts on doing this and relatively inexpensive.  Otherwise my lawyer said he'd charge me more and hand me off to a company he used, for even more money.

I used to work as a programmer for a retirement IRA/401k, etc company.  The spouse never sends money directly to the ex-spouse or else there may be tax consequences.  You have to file a DRO (Domestic Relations Order) with the divorce court who authorizes it to proceed.  Once all the details are made, then the plan's administrator reviews (I had a 401k) and Qualifies it as a QDRO and court is notified.  At that point - and only then - the retirement company splits off the said amount from your account in your name into a new account (if one does not already exist there) in ex's name.  Then ex is notified that the money is there and she may request whatever money she wishes from her account.  Last, the court is notified the QDRO is completed.

If it's not ROTH then she has the financial responsibility to include it in her tax filings.

But, you may ask, what if you take the easy path and have your IRA mail her a check in her name directing it to be deposited into her IRA/401k account?  The huge problem is that she'll instead deposit it into her regular accounts and spend it.  Then the tax obligation defaults to... you guessed it, you.  So don't take the shortcut!

That was the process a decade ago.  Stick to the process!  Otherwise you might have to pay the 10% penalty for early withdrawal plus the tax obligation too.

It’s a lot to process, especially for the kids.

Some practical matters to consider…

What’s to prevent her from filing a motion for modification later?  Ask your atty if there’s anything that can be added to make this stick.

Consider refraining from offering her more time or any other  concessions - it can set a precedent later.  This is where you need to consider what you might offer verbally vs email or text.

She’s setup the perfect victim position - don’t be surprised when this gets reframed downstream…

Parenting with anyone with a PD is a lot of work.

Cherish the time you’ve got with your kids.

I appreciate it.  Working on the qdro now.  She's so broke she left everything behind for a buyout

I agree.  She filed so many motions against me already I doubt this is the end.  Securing my house and other assets was huge.  Now it will only be over custody.  It's funny how I'm just a normal dad normal guy always looking over my shoulder wondering what I'm doing wrong that she will twist some restraining order against me.

I also accepted no child support from her.  So if she files anything I'm going for child support.

130k a year.  She's broke, can't pay her rent, blamed it all on me.  She doesn't realize once she spends her buyout, she'll be broke again

All she is doing is going out with random guys looking for her next provider.  13 years and looking back, I was a paycheck.  Saved everything and did it right.  First downturn and we were ready, but nope she wanted to blow through all of our money.   I tried to put her on a budget, she said it was abuse and punishment.

I have a good friend that is 8 years into dealing with his ex wife with BPD. She messes with the parenting agreement constantly, and sets up situations that she maintains will benefit their daughter, but are really just ways for her to get what she wants. He wants to have a good relationship with her, and wants her to have a good relationship with their daughter, so he 'bites' on whatever new plans she has the the parenting arrangements. This is constant, and constantly shifting explanations.

So it's his concessions to her, that she knows he will do because he's still codependent on her (wanting to get along, wanting her to happy with him) that get him into the mess, again and again. Whenever he tries to say no, all heck breaks loose with text barrages filled with accusations and put downs, ghosting and refusal to respond for days, unilaterally cancelling on her weekends....round and round, for years now.

Based on what I've seen, making concessions or voluntary modifications without notaries and legal work is a very dangerous idea.

Same deal here.

My uBPDxw quit her job and then accused of financial infidelity when she would not agree to a family budget and I didn't accept her ongoing, unconditional spending...  Sometimes when familiar themes appear here, I imagine this is what it's like for producers in Hollywood... great new script, and yet I've seen this one before!

Possibly related... My uBPDxw found a guy 12 years her senior to move in and share expenses and they are engaged.  My kids will have a stepdad about 3 years after we separated.  Not much of a transition because he already lives with them.  For the moment, he seems to add some stability to the equation, for as long as it lasts.  I hope it's a healthy situation for the long term.  I sort of want to buy this guy a beer...

The best thing your ex can do, short of meaningful hard work on herself, is get into a (semi)stable LT relationship and shift all her energy and attention in that direction.

That may be one reason why she let you have the kids. So much easier to find a guy when there aren't kids living at home.....

If she's that unstable, the kids are better off with the arrangement you have as it's more stable.

I'm not doing any crazy modifications.   It's summer and school is out.  I still think the kids need their mother in their life.  If she asked to pick them up for a day or take them for a couple of days I would not have a problem.  Once school starts I wouldn't do that.  I'm always going to do the right thing.  She basically gave them up.  I won't keep her from them.

She lives an extreme lifestyle.  130k a year and big time broke.  What guy in his 40s to 50s would get with a woman with 5 kids and pick up a huge tab.  She's beautiful and uses sex to get her way then the sex stops.  A mature guy would see her anger and red flags and walk away.  The kind of person in that age group that stays scares me.  Don't want my kids around.  Her second husband beat her.  My step son confirms he saw it.  I asked why she stayed, she told me she was a single mom with bills, what did you expect me to do?  Crazy

I agree they are better off in a stable environment.

I just can't believe that for 11 years and all these kids, everyone called her supermom.  She was a stay at home mom all day long.  Straight said by.  I'll start my possession in August.  Even then it's 2 days out of every 14.  She will take them out spoil them and send them home.  Not active in school, activities, or providing clothes.  She gets to come around have fun and leave.  I would never have left my kids for 2 months then taken that terrible custody schedule.  I'm mystified.

Also, many of our disordered did jump into new relationships or overspent or made predictably bad financial decisions.  Don't get angry, don't argue when you know the other won't listen.  They're adults.  Let it go.  While they are focused (or distracted) on 'whatever', you focus on healthy goals for yourself and your parenting.

Yes, we do not block the other's parenting.  And some reasonableness too is advisable.  But on the other hand we realize our ex-spouses are dysfunctional and we are in the best position as reasonably normal parents to provide balanced parenting.  The risk is that our ex-spouses have perceptions and lives that are in constant flux and if we relax a court order (a type of boundary) then we and the kids too can be swept up into chaos that is hard to undo.

As sad as it is, take this as a surprising win. At least initially, I'd be wary of "mission creep" with regards to the custody stipulation. Get that signed by a judge before she changes her mind. This time is unknown. Engaging her to encourage more time with the kids will come later. I won't comment upon that now other than to say now is not the time as she's in crisis. Settle everything legally in the meantime. Address co-parenting later when you're all legally protected.

You're right.  I'm not doing anything until the judge signs.  Hopefully that doesn't take long.  I just don't get the mentality of a woman with this many kids that for the last 10 years was a stay at home mom everything to her kids while I worked can just not see her kids for 2 months then only 2 days every 2 weeks after.

Speculative comment, but a possible way to make sense of it:

In addition to the points noted above re: crisis, survival, etc...  on an emotional level, perhaps she feels that this is how to "get even" (ie., make you feel what it's like to have primary responsibility for the kids, which... she didn't get enough appreciation for... and has deep resentment for...), or maybe it's as simple as she knows this will bother you...  or, maybe in her distorted world view, she's entitled to some time off and she plans to return (has she back pedaled or flipped on agreements in the past?  get ready), or maybe there's no making sense of it.

The key is not to try to figure her out.  Her life is her problem now.
The is to get super clear with the guy in the mirror.  You don't need to do anything other than be super dad to your kids.  That alone is a science project for most of us.  Get to know all your kids' health providers, teachers, counselors.  Whenever they want to talk, listen!  Just be there for them. 

The situation sucks, but it's also way better than any situation in which your kids are more directly exposed to instability, etc.

You got this.

I appreciate it.  Definitely not ideal but I would never walk away from my kids.  Time off?  Wow, but you could be right.  She always said I didn't appreciate her.  I busted my tail 60 hours a week to advance my family while she watched the kids.  We both had roles, but her telling me she does everything and I do nothing got old. 
Who knows what she's dodoing.  Nothing in my mind could get me to leave my kids like that.  It's not like she's traveling thr world.  She lives 20 minutes away.  She's free now.  Shop clean schedule for 1.  She's 25 again.  Has a degree a good job and no responsibility.

So she didn't work before but now does?  Perhaps that could be one of the factors triggering her changed behavior.

If you try to reason out why she does what she does, you'll never quite understand.  Mental illness, even mild mental illness that does not result in incarceration or institutionalized, does not make 'sense'.  It is illogical though some aspects and patterns can be predicted and categorized in textbooks.


She is an adult.  She has consequences, let her face them.

It's also possible that this is her new "comfort zone", having less responsibility for parenting obligations.  She will still change from day to day and week to week.

The kids are just that, minors.  They haven't developed into adults yet so they need protection from poor environments as well as seeing your stability and other good parenting behaviors.  You can't protect them from everything, but the more time they spend with you, the better.  That way, once they've grown they can identify reasonably normal life choices in their adult relationships.

She will tell you she always worked.  It was about 2 days a month.  She was a stay at home mom that took the kids out every single day to do all kinds of things.  This is where her spending way too much started.  Once the marker turned down for me she offered to go back full time.  She brought in 130, paid 0 bills and drained our savings.  She told me she wasn't doing that.  We went over statements and budgets repeatedly, she acts like that never happened.   She said she doesn't need me, moves out,  high rent utilities cell phone car insurance and goes underwater fast. Not too mention her attorney fees trying to take custody away from me.

I agree, they are her problems.  I'm not going to jump leaps and bounds, but I'd rather be nice and try to do the right thing than be cold.  My kids still need a mother.  The kids are very upset.  My daughter tried to talk to her and she was cold to her too.  Myndaughter looked at me and said she gave up on us.

My daughter is the oldest and we went to run an errand alone tonight.   She said dad I felt bad for you.  You always tried to hug her every day and she pushed you away.  Every day you asked her about her day and she ignored you.  She was always getting mad at you for dumb things.   My ex had a way of making me feel like garbage.  There were times I almost believed her.  I knew my kids were always watching but I didn't know my daughter recognized all of that.  It's sad but it made me feel good to hear someone else say it

What does this new normal with my ex look like?  It's weird.  She put us on our family wizard even though she was the one going off on me.  Now she won't even respond to me.  She keeps it strictly about the kids, anything else she ghosts.  Our therapist said she needs chaos and is always at war.  What's next? I just don't believe she will be all about the kids and shut everything else down.   I made a commitment to quit talking to her unless it's about the kids.   At some point when im not reaching out she'll do something for attention.   I think.

I am not surprised that your D noticed. I did too at a young age - before I understood adult relationships.

BPD affects all relationships. A romantic relationship is unique but that doesn't mean BPD does not affect other relationships in some way.

I agree, kids need a mother- but is their mother the kind of mother they need? We assume certain characteristics to a mother. I think it's important for them to have contact with their mother if she's willing to be in contact with them, and if it's emotionally safe for them. The push /pull pattern exists with children too- as you can see- and also this may not stay like this- your wife may change her feelings but this is a different experience than consistent love.

I agree that you need to be civil in your communcations with your ex, even if she isn't. She is no longer your wife but she is the mother of your children, at least biologically and you are demonstrating respectful communication to your children. But the relationship between them and their mother isn't all your responsibility or theirs either. Most cultures idealize the mother- child relationship and in most situations, it's true. Of course you want this for your child, and they'd wish for it too, but a part of this is also dependent on their mother's capacity to have that kind of relationship. It's hurtful to have a parent turn cold. The kids need an explanation but if you explained, it would be triangulation. I hope you get the kids in counseling so they have a professional and objective adult who they can talk to.

She wasn't a horrible mother.  She had many good qualities.  Her rage and yelling were what concerned me.  That wasn't all the time but seems to be increasing.   She always had them involved in activities, it was her identity for years, however, she actually abandon them this time.  For someone that has a fear of that I don't know how she could do this.

I want to make sure they have a relationship with her and I'm flexible to an extent.  On a school week it probably won't work to switch things up, they need structure.  During the summer when they are more free with no plans,  I don't mind if she wants to pick them up or have a day here or there.  This summer is when she gave them up for a couple months. 

She reached out and said, if I loved her I never would have signed the decree.  This was her offer that I agreed to and she instantly signed it hours before me.  I didn't argue or play into it but wow it's delusional

What came to me when I read this, is that she probably "knows" that something is off with her, but isn't willing to admit it to anyone.  It is a lot easier to blame others than to look at yourself.  Deep down she is afraid that she will get called out by the courts, CPS, mental health agencies, etc. so its easier to "give up" now, and blame you, than it become official that there is something "wrong" with her. 

Do you think she may have met someone?

Sometimes we remark, the disordered one may abandon us before we can abandon them.

10 years ago our counselor told me she knows.  I was wondering if she really wanted to go through that evaluation.   She's going so hard at me right now about when will the money hit her account I'm thinking she's all about the.money.   it's all she talks about.

Probably.  Shes.made comments all guys are the same.  She told my.kids her.cop boyfriend wanted to be exclusive so she had to.dump him.  I think she's seeing a lot of people at the same tjme.

It's just sick to me someone with a fear could do that to their child.  My daughter feels abandon for sure.  She is so hurt.  Their relationship was like friends not mother daughter so my 11 year old at that up feeling older than she should have.  Then bam dumped by her mom.

Being "friends" - not like mother-daughter isn't necessarily a good thing. Making your D a peer can put her in a situation she isn't mature enough for- a form of parentification. Parents have a special role, different from friends.

I understand how this doesn't make sense to you. Unless someone has experienced this kind of thing, they can't imagine it. If you have a mother who is consistent and loving, it's hard to imagine any mother behaving like this.

It's also hard to imagine this when one is in a romantic relationship- you had this love for your wife and saw the best in her. Probably no humans are all good or all bad and surely there were times she was a good mother just like there were good times between the two of you. It also doesn't mean she's a bad person to have a disorder or mental illness- but BPD can affect all relationships.

It may not be possible to know exactly why your wife is detaching from the kids at the moment but this is hurtful to them. Your role is to protect them, give them consistent love, and help them cope with this situation.

I agree.  She's not always bad.  One week a month it's horrible, one week she's amazing.   I dealt with it for years.  It only got real within the last 18 months when she started spending money like crazy and was putting us toward bankruptcy quick.  She gave up everything for a bailout. 

The money hasn't hit yet so she called me Friday needing 10k.  She couldn't pay her rent or movers.  She makes 130k a year and knew she was moving for a few months.  If course it's my fault she lives above her means.

She's asking me all kinds of financial and insurance questions. Today she asked me to go pick up some furniture and move it for her.  I finally said, I'm not your husband.  I felt bad after I said it. Maybe I should have helped

Good for you for not helping. I don't think answering financial questions is too much, but be wary. About 6 years ago, my ex asked me to loan her $25k to pay off her credit cards on a payment plan she proposed with a much lower interest rate than the cards. She eats out a lot and takes the kids on vacations (and herself) like she's making $150k/yr while at the time likely not making much more than $60k. The subsidized housing in the bay area helps her, but come on... my ex is also a magical thinker.

Rescuing is enabling. I went through this with my BPD mother for years.

Is it ever going to stop?  Or will she continue to ask for things? It seems somewhat quiet right now.

It is possible that your kids' mom will remain an entitled person for the foreseeable future. Ask me how I know  :(

What can change is how you respond to her requests/demands.

How does she currently ask for things right now -- text? phone call? email? in person? other?

How do you currently respond?

This can get better -- with changes on your end.

A pwBPD usually has a sense of immediacy - "I need it right now and you have to comply and help me fix my problem right now."

You may have to tell her she will have to wait for the process to finish.  Just because she says it is urgent and must be done now, much of that is likely her sense of belated immediacy - and her expecting you to immediately jump in to fix her sudden problem.

Reminds me of when years ago I manned lobby reception desks in a couple NYC hotels.  Passersby would walk in and ask to use a restroom.  Sometimes even a mother with kids jumping up and down.  "Sorry, the restrooms are in the rooms." I'd be asked, putting me on the spot, where do you go?  "I go through a locked door in the basement for staff facilities.  Why don't you go across the street and use a nearby restaurant?"  But they would say the restaurants said their restrooms are only for their customers and they'd have to buy something.

I would turn to my less experienced coworkers and enlighten them, "While we want to help people, there are limits and there are times when we can't let other people transform their problems into our problems."

I sometimes work with paramedics and they have a similar saying: "The patient is having the emergency, not you." While it sounds callous, the point of the saying is to remind the paramedics to stay calm and keep perspective so they will continue to operate at their best. Someone else's panic/emergency can be infectious and distort your own thinking if you're not careful.

There could be an emotional aspect to this. A sense of entitlement is one possibilty. Another is the need to have people do things for her- a need to be rescued. My BPD mother will ask people to do things for her that she can do herself- it's not the task she needs- that's a part of it- but the need is to have someone do it for her.

I don't comprehend it but emotional needs aren't rational. She will call me to make a phone call for her- but if she can call me, why can't she call who she's trying to reach. She doesn't need help making the call- she needs me to be doing something for her. There's the sense of urgency too and she's emotionally distressed with that need.

I don't think your reply "I am not your husband" is being mean. She made her decision. You aren't obligated.

Question for you.  Seems you went through the wild court process and ended up with custody.

My divorce is final.  She won't see then until August and when she does her time is extremely limited.  2 days every 2 weeks. 

So my question is, what's next?  Is she going to be peaceful and leave me alone or does she keep coming at me?  I quit talking to her because there is no need to right now, she blamed my daughter for a few things and really upset her.

Now she's found a new man and is acting mature?  She actually apologized to my daughter and told her she was wrong, she's never apologized to me.  She's being very calm and acting almost too nice.

In my opinion there is no way this lasts but I will take the peace for now.

What happens next?  She loses it on the next guy and comes after me or will she be civil?  No contact except about the kids, take her limited time and leave me alone?

The divorce is final.  Your lawyer can advise you on the specifics of your state and local court's typical process and time frames if changes to the order need to be made.

That said, courts are reluctant to have custody and parenting schedules jump back and forth.  Court is overwhelmed already with their existing caseload and lawyers are expensive.  The court will not expect you two back for a while except for somewhat less major items like Contempt of Court petitions and the like.  In other words, as Lived&Learned calls them, parking tickets. :(

If your spouse would like to make major changes, that would require filing for a Change of Circumstances motion.  That would *not* include her rebounding back after her current new relationship goes sour.  There would have to be a real basis for a change.  More or less, all you have to do is weather any such storm.

After two years in a temp order as alternate weekend dad, I exited divorce with shared custody and equal time.  Two years and a couple frustrating contempt of court petitions later, I told my lawyer life was still not improved from before and it was time to file for custody and majority time... Change of Circumstances.  I did get custody but our GAL (Guardian ad Litem, child's lawyer) "split the difference" and wanted ex to keep possibility of child support.  I went back again a couple years later and did get majority parenting time.

Based on my experience - your experience may vary - I suspect you're safe with the current framework for a year or two, perhaps longer.


Yes, she was distracted by another adult relationship, as sad as that sounds it was fortunate for you since the divorce was not a great hurdle.  It could have been worse, longer and more expensive.  There is no way to predict how long her new target lasts, but it will still be dysfunctional unless she is determined to do meaningful therapy and diligently apply it in her thinking, perceptions and overall life.


Again, hard to predict.  But it seems she's more focused on her adult relationships and less focused on the kids.  That may continue to be her pattern.  Some parents, whether fathers or mothers, are like that.  If that is her level of priorities - her comfort zone - let her remain an alternate weekend parent.  Do not feel *obligated* (overly "fair") to Gift her extra, although with the strong position you're in now you can let her have some exceptions here and there.  The kids need you to be their primary parent.  Any time you're in doubt, just remind yourself that the kids' welfare comes first.

The marriage is ended.  It is what it is.  Technically, you now have no relationship with her except regarding custodial and parenting matters.  So yes, she should leave you alone.  The only link is limited to the children.

I know she should leave me alone now, I'm just wondering if she will.  She needs chaos and drama.

She text me today to blame me for her auto insurance going up.  She wrecked her car 3 times, don't know how that's my fault.

Just don't know if she's going to keep trying to file motions or calling the cops or now that the war is over does she just talk smack when she needs attention?

My ex used to blame me for all sorts of things I didn't have anything to do with. My favourite was when she blamed me for the grass in the yard growing too slow. I had gone no contact with her by this point even though we were living in the same house, but I made the mistake of responding to that one. For weeks afterward, she tried to bait me into a fight by attacking me over the lawn because it was the one thing I had responded to her about, and she used the lawn as an excuse to discuss all my character flaws.

So sometimes it's not about them blaming you correctly or incorrectly for something that actually happened, it's about trying to goad you into responding so you're suddenly stuck in a conversation with them and they can unload all the chaos and rage inside of them upon you.

The best thing you can do is ignore it. Once they realize they can't engage you, they'll likely give up and move on to other targets.

Really good insight from ChoosingHappiness.

I wanted to add that separation and auto insurance was kinda important in my divorce and you mention she's wrecking her car.

I would call your insurance agent and make sure there are no loose ends there.

It was actually auto insurance stuff that made me speed up my divorce as much as possible. I was worried about my ex getting into a car wreck. He started to drink and drive according to a neighbor who saw the truck parked on the lawn one night.

You want to unwind these contracts as quickly as possible.

I was paying for my ex's car insurance but at some time, probably early in the divorce process, I called my agent and was informed that if she was living elsewhere and her car was being 'garaged' away from the home then she would have to obtain her own car insurance.  I didn't have to take any overt action, industry policy was to simply send her a letter that she had to start her own policy once renewal time came.

So just when you thought it couldn't get more wild.   Need some opinions....

So she has no possession until 8/2 then she gets every other sat and sun only.

She met a new bf online.  Known him 4 weeks.  He wanted her to ask my permission to meet the kids.  Whatever I don't control her.  She told me he has more integrity and more respect than any man she has ever met.   

I have been letting her see the kids here and there during the summer.  I go to pick the kids up and the new boyfriend was there.  He wsd awkward,  bad body language.  Definitely didn't get integrity and respect vibes.

I decide to research him and what do you know, he has a domestic violence conviction and is on a 6 month deferred sentence.  First offense so it's only a class a misdemeanor.  He pulled a gun on his ex wife.

I call my ex to tell her and she knew.  She didn't tell me because she thought I would get mad.  I told her I do not want the kids around him and she told me to screw off and I can't control her.  So I have told her no you cannot have them this week.   She told me starting August 2 I better not interfere with her time. 

So am I overreacting or do I need to contact my attorney and file a restraining order?  She told me she will bring him around if she wants.  She can't be single,  4 weeks in and all in love.  I contacted his ex wife and she said he was controlling and used to hit her.  When he found out she filed he got the gun.

What should I do? 

I think it's worth a call to your attorney to see what is possible to be done. There is evidence that he has been violent. Rather than a restraining order with this guy, they may be able to do something about visitation.

She didn't tell you because she thought you would get mad. BS. She didn't tell you because she knew it was bad and that you would have a legitimate reason to keep him away from YOUR children. And even the "thought you'd get mad" part is true, it means she knows this is not a good situation, otherwise what is there to get mad at? 

So your ex is jumping into a new relationship immediately. Check. He is a the most respectful and _________ guy ever. Check. Hiding things about the guy from you. Check. Bringing the children around new guy immediately. Check. Accusing you of being controlling. Check.

The guy has a gun, and used it to threaten and has hit his ex partner. And this guy is pushing for connecting with your kids.

If it were me, it would be a very, very hard no to this guy being around my children.

Of course not all step fathers or boyfriends are going to be abusive to children but a risk factor for child abuse is an unrelated male in the home and this man already has a documented history of abuse and violence and threatening with a weapon.

This statistic and his history of violence is reason enough to not have him around your kids but also- may be something to help the case legally. Since you can't control your ex - possibly you can have full custody and she has supervised visits?

It was a hard no from me.  So no I'm coercing and trying to intimidate and I'm being emotionally abusive trying to control her.  Last thing I want is my kids traumatized watching their mom get beat, and that seems like the best it can go with the potential for so much worse.

I think supervised visits it's hard to get.  Her fall from upper middle class to broke and after 3 weeks in love with a wife beater.  Can't make this stuff up.
Even if he doesn't hurt the kids, if they watch him abuse their mom that's traumatic.  Trauma messes kids up

It's not about controlling her, it's about how your kids might feel.

What do you think about counseling to help you navigate this going forward?

I understand this is a rough time for everyone and it can be hard to hit all the notes. A therapist might be helpful to run things by so you aren't on your own with these decisions.

If you learn that the kids witness DV, you need to report it.  Not exposing the kids to abuse is written into our custody stipulation. When the kids finally did witness it and I only knew that night mommy called me for help, I made sure that her H was out of the apartment and told her that she needed to tell then D3's child therapist, the appointment previously scheduled and two days later; else, I would have to report. She did, and I was there to hear it. She actually reported herself as the primary "perp," punching her H in front of the kids. He had gotten angry enough over her criticism that he'd thrown change (coins) at her. Mutual DV. She nailed him hard, too, as her whole hand was bruised. He also took the phone from her initially as she was calling me to come get the kids. That's a felony on his part.

Exposing minors to DV can be considered a crime even if one is the victim. I take that to mean a pattern, and taking no steps to keep the kids safe after even a "one-off." If you learn of incidents and take no action, you will be culpable of not keeping the kids safe, even if that sounds unfair.

You want to be proactive here, as anyone would want to be. The advice to talk to your T about this is sound, as a T is a mandated reporter and knows the law enough to give sound advice.

I agree- the kids should not be exposed to DV. I mentioned the statistic if it helps to make your case for protecting the kids stronger. I am not a lawyer but lawyers like to have facts and evidence and so the record of DV and the risk of abuse might help your case to protect them from their mother and her new BF.

Like LnL, Turkish, and Notwendy suggested, the #1 focus here is on keeping the kids safe -- not on fixing her, focusing on her choices, etc.

Getting educated about what is actually reportable in your area will be important, so you can operate from a wise and grounded place, not a place of uncertainty or overreaction or underreaction. Stuff I thought would be a bigger deal wasn't to CPS, and stuff I thought was peripheral got a lot of attention.

In my state, I was able to call the abuse reporting hotline and say I had a "hypothetical" situation to ask about. That meant that they would not initiate a report at that time; instead, the workers talked me through what I could expect in our situation, and whether the stuff I was concerned about was actually actionable (they called it "assignable", in that they assign workers to it to go investigate). It's sometimes a lower bar for initiating an investigation than we think, but a higher bar for a actual concrete consequences (at least, in our area).

I called them "hypothetically" at least twice. I also called our local DV hotline twice. DV hotlines are often anonymous and not "mandatory reporting" hotlines, so it isn't like if you call for advice, they'll initiate a report out of your control.

I would highly recommend doing both those steps -- asking the reporting hotline about a "hypothetical" situation, and asking the DV hotline for their feedback -- about the situation at your kids' mom's house. Get informed and educated so you can make the most effective choice for your kids' safety.

Additionally, like LnL and Turkish experienced, having a therapist involved can be crucial. I had told my T about stuff going on at the kids' mom's house and I had no idea it was actionable at the time. When she said "So I can make the CPS call for you if you want", I was totally caught off guard. We delayed for a month or two but when new info came up, it was at the point of if I didn't call then she was going to. I think it helped the situation a lot that I could tell CPS "Here's my therapist's contact info, she was about to report this" -- having a neutral third party involved to corroborate your concerns can be huge, so it isn't just "dad versus mom", it's "Dad has had professional third party support in this process and isn't going off the rails making a report, because Dad's therapist also was going to report".

Nutshell version:

Therapist/counselor for yourself and your kids
Run your hypothetical situation past the official abuse report hotline
Call local DV hotline

Not the incident I mentioned, but a previous one with different players, my T told me that he'd have to report what I told him, but it would be better if I reported. I left him a message at night and he returned it by lunch the next day and told me to call him back when I did, else he'd have to call at the end of the day.

I've gone to counseling a lot and to be honest I don't know that it helps. Haven't found anyone that understands bpd since our original counselor from 2014 and she's retired

I'll do all of that,  but it would be nice to know they don't ever have to witness it.  He hasn't done anything to her yet that I know of, but the kids haven't been with her and they have only been dating for 4 weeks.  They are all in love and she is fighting extreme for him.   She has very limited possession.  Would be nice on her 4 days a month if she would agree to not bring him around.

Do you think it's realistic that she would agree to that? If so, what's the most plausible way to get her agreement? If not, what's a path forward that's under your control and doesn't depend on her agreement?

...

BPD -- if it's involved in our situations -- is a serious enough mental illness that it impairs the pwBPD, even if a parent, even if a mother, from prioritizing their kids' safety over their own desperate emotional needs.

As far as I can tell, my H's kids' mom, in the middle of an active CPS investigation, chose to bring a (new to us) strange large man to SD16's extracurricular event, while also bringing her girlfriend. Does Mom have a girlfriend and a boyfriend? Who knows? What's most important to her isn't stability and safety for the kids (not introducing strange men into the mix), it's desperately trying to fill the emotional hole inside of herself. She will prioritize that over everything else and will do it in full view of everyone and will do it while CPS is investigating.

It would be nice if Mom didn't introduce strange males into the kids' lives. But there's a vast chasm between what I think would be nice if she didn't do, and what she'll actually do.

We don't have get to solve the problems we want to have, we get to solve the problems we actually have.

We wish we had the problem of "just get her to agree to do something responsible". We do not have that problem. We do have the problem of: "she is going to do irresponsible things that may impact the kids' safety and I can't stop her from doing those things". The way we solve that problem isn't hoping she'll be different than who she's shown herself to be; it's us getting educated and staying centered and investigating options to keep the kids safe that do not depend on her agreement or change or cooperation.

An aspect of why we called CPS was learning that the kids' stepdad (yes, he and Mom are still married, apparently) was driving unsafely and erratically with the kids in the car. It would be nice if we could get him to stop. Before calling CPS, I actually called around to about a half dozen people who had been mutual friends with us and them, trying to see if there was anyone trustworthy who could speak into his life and get him to change. He'd burned all those bridges and there wasn't anyone. So convincing him to change was off the table. What was under our control was initiating the CPS call, and also taking over all parenting time transportation. Sure, "on paper" we should be splitting it 50/50, but the kids' safety is more important than what Mom/Stepdad should be doing. We do all the driving now to make sure that as far as is under our control, the kids are not in a car with Stepdad. We don't control what happens on Mom's time, only ours.

...

One of the most painful things about our situations is that we cannot fully protect the kids from witnessing or being impacted by hurtful dysfunction.

What we can do is create an environment when they're with us where they feel safe in disclosing what's going on, and they feel like they can trust us to be the adults in the room finding solutions under our control. This is built through us managing our reactions/responses to what the kids say, and developing black belt level listening and validation skills.

What have your kids told you so far about the new guy and the situation at Mom's? How do you typically respond?

...

This is excruciating stuff and you are not alone.