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Title: how to deal with my lover who implements some traits of BDP Post by: Yara on June 18, 2024, 01:58:12 PM hi dears,
i am in a relationship with a loving, caring, honest person with BD and this is since one year. i started facing some traits in the beginning and we dealt some of them, he is responsive but not aware of having thee BD. recently he started a fight from nowhere asking me to block some of my old boyfriends. he already was bothered to have them and we went to seek couple therapy but the therapist was not professional enough and he forced me to agree to cut off my old friends. i calmed down and wait until a week ago when he burst and accused me to play with him for not blocking them which i considered a controlling aspect. i tried not to contact and asked for no contact to let him move to therapy and he refused to commit and could not accept the no contact, i gave him 2 options: a- to have no contact or B- to have limitations and set boundaries in the relationship, to stop conversations when i feel i am verbally violated or insulted or accused for things i did not do, to go for long term therapy which surprised him and which he thought will be for one session, and finally not to give him the time and opportunities he used to have. i told him either option A or Option B made of conditions to stay and support him. am i mistaken? is there any suggestion for help? thank you all, Title: Re: how to deal with my lover who implements some traits of BDP Post by: kells76 on June 21, 2024, 09:59:44 AM Hello Yara and a warm *welcome*
I really hear you about wanting your partner to get help. I think all of us here at bpdfamily want that for the pwBPD (person/people with BPD) in our lives. The world would truly be a better place! One difficult thing about a condition like BPD is that pwBPD (like any of us) choose to get help for things that they think are problems, not things that we think are problems. If they experience the situation as "them versus us", where we are pressuring them to get help, they might resist. Ultimatums and threats generally are not effective in inducing someone to get help. What has a slightly better chance at success is understanding what your partner thinks the problem is, and finding a way to come together as a team to face that problem. If he feels like you are on his side, there's a little more hope. We have a great article about that situation here: Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy), take a look when you have some time. ... The other critical thing about being in a relationship with a pwBPD is understanding what we can and can't control. We can't control anyone else or make anyone do anything, even really good things like stopping verbal insults and accusations. What we can do is learn more about real boundaries and values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0). Sometimes we think that boundaries are about making other people do things, or rules for other people about how they can treat us, when really, true boundaries are rules we have for ourselves. Getting educated about real boundaries can help us respect ourselves and choose who and what to let into our lives. ... hi dears, i am in a relationship with a loving, caring, honest person with BD and this is since one year. i started facing some traits in the beginning and we dealt some of them, he is responsive but not aware of having thee BD. Does he have a diagnosis but just isn't accepting of it? Or is he undiagnosed? |