BPDFamily.com

Despite years of the ups and downs, the pushing and pulling, and the irrational thinking, I genuinely love her and think she's a wonderful person. She just has a terrible disorder that takes over all her best qualities. I feel like I've watched the love of my life die a hundred times and come back ever so more corrupted and demonic.

I blame myself because every time we started again I regressed more into myself and opened up less and less. My walls got taller and my heart got smaller. And now she's gone forever. I blame myself. I will forever.

I totally get how that feels, one thing that I read that gave me a bit of relief when I get stuck in my head about what went wrong is the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it


I feel that you where doing your best. I know I tried to do everything I could to not trigger another cycle repeating-thus removing parts of myself that he would find "triggering" - looking back I see how hard I tried to be someone who was emotionless, no baggage, no personality, no thoughts or opinions, a grey blob doing all she could to make him happy and he STILL found fault in that...
You deserve someone who loves you the way you love (I know that's hard because like you- I REALLY really loved my person.. and still do)

I really understand your pain and we are here for you.

Sometimes it's not so much a retreat into ourselves as choosing to put up boundaries to protect ourselves -- to put ourselves first again! That's actually a healthy thing to do -- and inevitable at some point when in a relationship with a pwBPD. The fact that it may end the relationship does not diminish its necessity.


I just had that pop up in a quote today from Stop Walking on Eggshells!

“Memorize the three Cs and the three Gs: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it. get off their back. get out of the way. get on with your own life.”

The "get on with your own life" really resonates with me.

Hey StoneCold how you feel is totally valid. I understand the hurt, the feelings overall. However, take a step back. How can you say you blame yourself? Let's talk about that more. Do you think that your actions and behaviors truly dictated the outcomes of another human being? Follow me here. By the way this sounds it is almost as if you were the puppet master and then she was the puppet. You have to understand that is severely flawed logic and puts way too much weight upon yourself. No one should put that much guilt upon his or her self. Furthermore, sometimes things just do not work out. That doesn't mean anyone was a failure or that someone was at fault. If anything it always takes two to tango...so cut yourself some slack and be kinder to yourself man.

Never ever take the weight of another's behaviors and actions unto one's self. Do not remove responsibility or accountability. Instead learn from the experience focus on what you did right and what you did wrong. There are always multiple angles to look at my friend.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself. The fam has your back here.  |iiii

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thank you for this. It's so very true and reassuring to hear. I keep thinking I could have done x, y, or z differently to make them happy, but I think I know deep down that no matter how perfect I made myself it wouldn't have been enough.

Thank you for your reply :)

That's so true. Every time I put myself first it made them worse, which makes me feel responsible, but I know deep down that it isn't healthy to be like that. In a healthy relationships it shouldn't even be a dilemma.

 

Thank you so much for this message. I think you're 100% right in my logical brain, I just home my emotions and heart catch up soon. I know it's irrational to think I can control the outcomes of another human being. Hearing you say that makes me realise how foolish that is. I guess I just need time to be a healer so I can feel that as well as know it. I'm starting to realise that no matter how perfect I was it wouldn't have been enough. I'm trying to focus on that rather than regretting all the things I didn't do. Because it wouldn't have made a difference.

Thank you so much