Despite years of the ups and downs, the pushing and pulling, and the irrational thinking, I genuinely love her and think she's a wonderful person. She just has a terrible disorder that takes over all her best qualities. I feel like I've watched the love of my life die a hundred times and come back ever so more corrupted and demonic.
I blame myself because every time we started again I regressed more into myself and opened up less and less. My walls got taller and my heart got smaller. And now she's gone forever. I blame myself. I will forever.
Hey StoneCold how you feel is totally valid. I understand the hurt, the feelings overall. However, take a step back. How can you say you blame yourself? Let's talk about that more. Do you think that your actions and behaviors truly dictated the outcomes of another human being? Follow me here. By the way this sounds it is almost as if you were the puppet master and then she was the puppet. You have to understand that is severely flawed logic and puts way too much weight upon yourself. No one should put that much guilt upon his or her self. Furthermore, sometimes things just do not work out. That doesn't mean anyone was a failure or that someone was at fault. If anything it always takes two to tango...so cut yourself some slack and be kinder to yourself man.
Never ever take the weight of another's behaviors and actions unto one's self. Do not remove responsibility or accountability. Instead learn from the experience focus on what you did right and what you did wrong. There are always multiple angles to look at my friend.
In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself. The fam has your back here.
Cheers and Best Wishes!
-SC-
