BPDFamily.com

This may be a weird post. I made a previous post about BPD ex getting married.
He didn't, it turned out. But he probably will because he wants to, now.
He has reached out a few times. 2 cards and a letter before his intended marriage day and an unexpected visit to my house after I found it that it didn't go through.

My car was obvious in the driveway but I didn't answer. I've been total NC since May. It was necessary in order for me to cut ties and move on. The recovery and feeling forced to discard after a 3 year relationship  have been very painful. I'm in therapy.

Sorry to ramble. What's unexpected is that I may lose my connection with family and a couple friends in an unexpected way from being in the relationship with my ex.

My family gossips, judges and talks behind others' backs. They can be very clique-y, especially if they disapprove, even of family members.
I don't share alot of the same interests as  them and have always have some different ways.
I've always felt slightly like an outsider. I love them, it's a close family, but I don't always get them and vice versa.

If you confide in 1 of them, especially my mother, you've just told siblings, cousins, aunts uncles, and maybe even a kid or two who eavesdrops on family conversations, lol.

I'm not like that. So, I keep a lot of my personal, intimate business to myself. It's sad to me. But that's how it is.

Ex still has connections to my family, through friendships made during our time together. He tells everything. He always has. He's been a source of me ( & our relationship) being a source of gossip, which I hate.

They think I'm stupid for ever getting involved with him and for the pain I've gone through with him.
I feel like they look down on me. My mother ( my dad passed away) , sister and SIL are all involved in bad relationships but the women in  my family  have a 'stand by your man no matter what' mentality.
They shade me as if I can't keep a man and sometimes side- eye the choices and lengths I've gone to in order to separate from ex. They think I'm strange or dramatic or something.

I have a couple friends who judge me , too, for not being healed after a year and still having complicated feelings of guilt, anger, and some heartbreak days  after it all.

The upshot is that I feel like cuttiing some connections back and maybe cutting some ties off, after all this. Even my family..

I realize that my attraction to my BPD ex partly came from struggling within my family dynamic of favoritism, assigning roles, and the .value they place on group- think and conforming... From always  having been thought of and treated slightly as 'weird' among them. I'm not. I'm just not about everything they're about.

In many ways, my BPD ex was more supportive and more accepting of me than they ever were.

But then  I think that cutting people back will make me feel more alone.
I'm on a journey of self - discovery that I haven't had the courage to take all these decades. My experience with ex triggered it.

It's confusing me to consider reducing or breaking connections that I always thought I should have.

I sometimes wonder if I would be  taking needed, healthy steps ( at least for now) or if I'm deluded and it would just be self- isolating.

I never expected that self- reflecting and de-toxifying from my BPD relationship might lead to loss in other, unexpected ways.

Wow... Over 20 views and no thoughts.

First, Freeflower welcome to the fam.  :hi:

Second, please keep in mind that while many may look they may not know exactly what to say or how to respond. Be patient. People that come here usually come here in rough shape.

Additionally, there was just a holiday weekend...people are probably still getting back into the swing of things.

Continue to engage, ask questions, and share as much as you want to.

Please be kind to you and please take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Hey Freeflower and welcome.  You're in a tough position and there aren't easy answers here.

Let's start with your ex.  When is the last time you've spoken to him directly?  Can you tell him in a civil tone that it's not okay to show up unannounced?  That would be a good start.

Also, what does your therapist recommend in terms of dealing with your ex?  Maybe part of closing out this chapter is that there's still some unresolved business there...things to say or do for both of you.

In terms of your family, we unfortunately don't get to pick who we're related to.  I have some relatives that thrive in gossip and others who are ultra-secretive.  I'm sort of in the middle and have trouble understanding why others aren't more like me....so I think that's a normal feeling for all of us.

While you can't control what others say or do, you can control how much you share (or respond to).  If your ex is still talking to family and stirring the pot, talk to the ex and ask him to stop.  You can also ask relatives why they're still talking to him in the first place, and let them know that it makes you uncomfortable.  You can also tell them that there was a lot from that relationship that you haven't shared (and have no intention of sharing) but you'd appreciate it if they'd accept at face value that he was not good to you.

Maybe they listen, maybe not...but it's an active step you can try.

However, that doesn't mean that relationships have to end entirely, that simply means that you'll stop prioritizing those people in your life if they can't respect your wishes.

I have a feeling others haven't chimed in because there's very little detail on what's making you uncomfortable (other than people talking about you and your ex).  How is your ex getting new info about your life?  What kinds of things is he saying?  That's the info we'd need to better help, but I also understand that you're very private and don't like sharing that stuff.  Feel free to give us as much or as little as you're comfortable with. 

Aww, thanks for the advice. It is just a time of transition and self discovery after all that's happened in my relationship.
It's not good to talk to ex right now. I've maintained full NC. It's triggering to even hear his voice while I'm healing. I'm making sure I'm not vulnerable to charming, manipulation or attempts to triangulate me.
It's not like an average breakup. He's BPD who has been emotionally abusive  and a little too controlling in the past.

There's such useful wisdom in your reply. Thank you,again..

 

Sure, everyone here understands that BPD relationships and breakups are on an entirely different level that others simply can't understand.  There's no right or wrong on how to move on other than prioritizing yourself in healthy ways.  For some here, it takes months.  Others are stuck for years. 

The main ingredient, in my opinion anyway, is how quickly people accept that this wasn't their fault and there was nothing they could do to "fix" their ex.  So many of us get stuck in this thought loop of, "If I had done this differently, or if I had said this one thing, then everything would be different."  That's a lie though because the real problem was mental illness, and that's not something we can telepathically predict on when a mood swing or violent outburst is coming.

Please chime in if there's anything specifically we can help you move past.  Again, I wish you luck and steady healing!

Hi Freeflower,

I think that when you're healing from a relationship like this, it can prompt you to look at all of the other relationships you have in your life and do a bit of a stock-take on them. I think we can become hyper-sensitive to other people's behaviours for a while, scanning for threats and danger, trying to figure out where safety is...  this definitely happened to me right after two significant experiences with people with BPD. I did redraw the boundaries around myself with friends and family. It's not a bad thing in itself, but I think it's wise to take time and space before cutting people out.

A book that really helped me during these times, including quite recently is Harriet Lerner's 'Dance of Anger'. She gives some really good examples of how to manage difficult family relationships, whilst keeping a strong sense of self, without the need to cut them out of your life. I honestly have found her work to be life changing in terms of learning how to manage conflict and differences in personalities within family. Of course, stepping completely is the only option for some people and some situations and maybe that's where you end up going, but would you consider trying to set some boundaries and communicate what you need from them at this moment in time and see how that goes?