BPDFamily.com

Simple question really.

Your significant other with BPD breaks up with you and leaves you rotten in the gutter. Steps over your feelings as they were non-existent. Oke, most of us reached that point. Than we figure out that our significant others are dating someone else.

The simple question would be; would you warn them? For the main reason that you don't want other people to suffer the way you did. It can even be done by a simple email (or link to this forum).

Would I?

The way I think about it right now, is yes. I would. 100%. I would not want anyone to share the pain, tears and crying i've endured the last few months. None. Nobody. And if I can help others by preventing of making the same mistake I would do so. I know it might touch to a 'selfish' point; as in who are you to still have influence on his/her life? But is it really a weird idea as a human being that you want to warn others for possible issues along the way? Especially knowing, first hand(!), how difficult it is to ignore all the 2539.4 million  red-flag in such a relationship?

Chances are that the new person is enjoying being on the pedestal right now and they wouldn't believe you.  And YOU':) look like the nutty one.

turtle

Harmkrakow,,

I totally understand what you are saying and I agree with you in wanting to warn the 'new fool'.  However, take a step back to when your relationship with the BPDp was new and fresh and exciting. What would you have done if you received an email or text or phone call from a previous victim?  

I can speak from my own experience and what I would have done. Looking back as most of us do, there were plenty of red flags from ex's, friends of the BPDp, etc.  I chose to ignore them all.  I thought her ex's were just jealous, and her friends were jealous of the time we were spending together.  Now looking back they were all trying to help me see the true person she was.

So no matter what you would do or even could do if you knew who the 'new fool' is, I honestly don't think it would matter in the least.  Unfortunately he or she will have to learn for themselves, just like the rest of us.  We will have another message board member shortly.

Of course :) I'm not saying I will, I just feel as of this point I would have the urge of doing so. I also believe that not everyone would be fooled for months or even years to come. Some it takes 3 months, some 30, and some 300 months.

I truly do think I would have cut contact and chose money for my eggs. I seriously mean that, thats the way I would feel right now. Because I didn't have friends who showed me any signs of the red  red-flag atleast 1 year after we were already a couple!


I still think, I might give it a try. Again, I don't wish any other to share the same mental pain I went through. It's one the reasons why I'm writing this all down in a book form and will show it to everyone whose interested in it. This ... no more. If i can only save a few people not to fall in the trap of a BPDer, i'd already feel like the entire experience with BPD didnt just drag me down but also helped other people to stand up again. So far the whole BPD experience with my gf has only given me ___ 

Hi harmkrakow,


5 minutes later... .  


It might be a good idea to work through your feelings about the break up a little more before trying to save anyone else from experiencing the same fate... .  

I, personally, am very happy to have been in more than 1 disordered relationship.  Not because I'm a masochist or anything, but because it took being in a relationship of this nature to dig deep within to find out who I am capable of being.  Call it the School of Hard Knocks or whatever you'd like, but I would be more upset that some old flame was tracking me down to 'warn' me about the person I was with.  I would think the person was a jilted lover.  Still would feel that way, even knowing everything I know about BPD.  I would suspect that the person calling me has some unresolved issues.  How did they track me down?  Are they a stalker?  I'd feel really uncomfortable and scared.

You're not alone in wanting to warn her partner that BPD exists.  This topic comes up frequently on here.  Thinking about doing it is one thing, following through is another.  The thing is, we ended up in a relationship like this for a reason.  We were attracted to it somehow.  We need to figure out why.  It's something that we as individuals need to figure out.  Not be told by somebody's ex, even with the best of intentions... .  

Get the focus off your ex and her new partner; what they're doing is their business.  Put the focus on minding your own business |iiii

You are absolutely right :) And yeah, it's a thin line between wanting or willing to warn someone else. I mean, simple example, when I look at my friends their girlfriend or boyfriend, i do know watch out for strong  red-flag signals. :) Not that any of them show these signs, thankfully the BPD population is not that big, but still. I've build up quite the warning alarm in my head.

And maybe this is also part of the detachment of such a relationship. Letting go, also in regards of someone else falling in the same trap. I btw. know perfectly well why I fell in the trap of BPD. Some sort of lonely child/abandoned child (my BPD gf) combination with me seeing this beautiful girl as the crown of everything that was going good at the time (great work, friends, great everything!)

Turtle is right, they will probably think you are crazy and just ignore whatever you say.  This also might result in reprisals from you exBPD, she could start contacting your friends or future love interests.

Really it is beyond your responsibility and control, it will probably just hold you back from moving on.

Anyways this subject has been covered quite extensively in the past, try the search feature to read more.

The only person I'd want to warn, and this would mean going back in time which is not possible, would be Myself. And guess what? I most likely wouldn't listen to myself about it, either, being too much in love back then (honeymoon phase). Plus: I wouldn't have learned some of the important lessons I've been going through. So even if I did walk out of this last relationship much earlier, I may have found myself in another just like it. Getting to where we don't even have to warn ourselves is where we'll be our best.

|iiii

100% NO!

Major  red-flag on someone walking in and try to "warn" me without me asking or knowing them. This would be right out scary with someone thinking they can justify to cross my boundaries of personal life. Very much like a BPD would. It would mean this person takes their feelings and consider them as facts.

I'm sorry for being so harsh, but this really would be my reaction. I'm an adjlt with my own responsabilities. It's like telling parents how they should raise their kids, because you know better than them.

harmkrakow... .  i posted an almost identical response to someone a week ... .  ish ago... .  this feeling arises a lot on leaving (T-shirt in my closet!... .  well worn   )... .  

I'd suggest some reading on "drama triangles"... .  specifically the "persecutor role" in response to your thread topic.

No. As the rejected party, I do have a dog in this fight.  Any protestations of desire to protect someone to the contrary, there is no way I could assure myself or anyone else that I'm not motivated by resentment and vindictiveness. I'm not willing to risk damage to my own credibility.

At the beginning, I disregarded the warnings of several people (for example, my T, my Al-Anon sponsor, and myself).  I couldn't save myself from my own suffering.

Although, in a sense, I did ultimately.

Nope. No one could have talked me out of my relationship with my exBPD fiancé. People tried. I ignored them. I ignored the major red flags.

I did some cyber snooping today (I know bad idea). My ex is dating a hipster. We used to make fun of hipsters (no offense to anyone). He posted a pic of him wearing a big huge fur coat at a club with his new hipster girl. What the heck is that about? Oh wait mirroring. And I bet she is eating it up the same way I did when we would put on our boots and go two stepping! Ha

I did just that last sep when my BPDexgf got with another guy soon after our 'breakup.'  Although I know he thought I was crazy it did contribute to their quick 'breakup'... .  (although she is trying to recycle him right now lol)... .  the only reason I did it was to retaliate towards my exgf

yup... .  persecutor role... .  drama triangle... .  

there are lessons here or google it... .  

I was warned in different ways by his friends, his daughter & he even warned me himself! "I'm broken, there's something NQR with me" etc etc. of course I assumed that the others were jealous & my own infatuation told me that he was wrong.

I have occasionally been tempted to contact other exes (he had all their numbers still in his phone & I know who some of them are) in order to compare notes, but since they have (hopefully) moved on, and i can pretty much guess what their experiences would have been, it is not something I would actually do... .  

My T is currently warning me about the contact I'm still having with him! Shows how unlikely it would have been for me to have listened to anyone during the "honeymoon"!

I would suggest putting a Big Red "B" on their forehead to warn all others.  :)

But my inner cynic says . . .  naaaawwww.  Let them find out on their own.

BPD can be vindictive and even violent. If they get wind of your meddling in what they might feel is their one last chance of happiness... .  the gates of hell could open upon you.

And who knows... .  Maybe it will work for them. Move on.

It sounds simple however it really isn’t!

In short – I was warned and I didn’t listen – that pedestal felt good!

Think back the beginning of your relationship harm – it felt great and you may not have listened to what others might say.


You may not see it now but this ex of yours is a blessing disguise.

Everyone needs to learn there own lessons – yes it can be painful however we are not responsible for saving others from pain! They need to figure it out themselves.


Great point!

Why did you ignore them?

Hee! I imagine mine walking around with "TMT" tattoed on his... .  "too much trouble"

During an argument with my exBPDgf, she muttered that "all the others would leave" meaning the other men in her life had left without much delay when she would rage.  I, on the other hand, was ignorant enough to think I was the one that caused the pain in the relationship.  I'm a slow learner but I figured her out eventually!  I'm six months free of the conflict and moving on!  It feels really good.  I had forgotten how it felt to look forward to a day of work and play!  As for the next guy, I wish him luck and will ship him a helmet if he wants one!

If my house were broken into, I'd likely warn my neighbors as a courtesy that someone is running amuck and to be extra safe.

But, When I involve myself in a romantic r/s, then have a messy break up, I don't think it's my job to meddle. It's not my place, it looks like sour grapes and immaturity on my part.

People have life experiences; some of those will include difficult relationships and broken hearts and tears. This is unavoidable, if you walk the earth you will at times feel pain, you will shed some tears.   It's not your job to protect people from life experience and life lessons.

Focus on your own life lessons.

Maybe it's a litte weird from my side but i really believe that if someone would have tried to convince me tbis is no good, i might have ended this prematurely.

And yeah, I didn't see the red flags until I was already lowering my boundaries to accept her worse abusive behavior every day.

To be honest, and i've been in broken normal r/s, a break up in such relationship is from a complete different magnitude than a BPD r/s.

That sort of pain is not even close to a 1/10000000th of the pain of a BPD r/s.

It looks like sour grapes when you don't want anyone to enjoy your ex knowing their relationship can be fine. However with a BPD it would more of a warning no?

I see where you are coming from that with BPD it would be more of a warning... .  but where would we draw the line?... .  their next partner... .  the one after that?... .  so and and so forth.  Just how many people can we 'save'... .  why is it our responsibility?

We have the power to stop the drama, and conversations or "warnings" to potential suitors is feeding that drama... .  not reducing it... .  I learnt this the hard way.

I find this question interesting because its something I recently did.

My exuBPDgf met someone about 7 weeks ago. I dont know him but he knows a good friend of mine so when I found out I asked my friend to give him a friendly text message stating that he should maybe tread carefully with her. He replied saying he.d already been told to be careful by someone else and that hes good at working people out so dont worry about him.

I heard last week hes been n booked a 2 grand summer holiday for them and her 2 kids. Oh dear.

How about we save 1 for starters :) If we would all do that, we would already save the world tons of misery. If I had a choice years back, I would have rather not ended up with a BPD person and never had to visit this board. However, as of this moment it's daily ritual. If I could just save 1 person from the misery I went into, just 1, i of course hope for more but 1 would be good for starters :)

To me it has nothing to do with life experience or other of that bull. Why? Look at how much crushed souls have come to this place, some had 20 years marriages lost because of a BPD person, and went in complete financial and emotional drainage. Ended up in the gutter. The pain from a broken BPD r/s is far more complex and deeper than the scars of a normal relationship. And believe me, I've been there. I've been in 'normal' relationships 3 times and once in a BPD.

I'm not saying society should abandon BPD persons, or alienate them, but some of them are seriously on a wreckage/havoc tour to destroy other people and it's super hard to not see the signals the VERY first time you hit into a BPD relationship if you haven't heard anything about it. I've already had enough psychological visits to be 100% certain that I will never enter this trap again, ever, and I continue visits with my shrink purely for the sake of not falling in this trap again and make a list of all the red flags. The majority of my friends also know about borderline at the moment, and they were like (as most of em already knew about the illness) that it is nearly impossible to have a healthy long term relationship. Let alone get kids, married etc.

Of course you can go in long term treatment with your BPD person, and yeah, medication, all that sort of stuff, all to maintain that high level of intensity in the R/S. However, is it worth going through that immense pain again? Not in a million years, BPDers are in my opinion like drugs, hard to resist, while 'digesting' them you are on a high like never before, however they digested you and the detox is hell.

A text with 'maybe be careful' wouldnt bring the message completely?  Maybe writing something in the field of BPD would have rang a bell. Or let him read the 'how a BPD relationship evolves + a list of all the red flags'.  

No, I wouldn't, why be vindictive? It's as though because you can't have her, you want to 'warn' someone else so that they won't want her. It's more to do with you you struggling to let go and feeling hurt that she has met someone else.

Try to come to terms with it and focus on yourself and your life. Try to mend yourself and find happiness again. It must be very painful but time with heal. I don't see any positive outcome in you contacting anyone that she knows to 'warn' them.

Thats not the point, the point is for them not to get through the same sh!t as others here on this board went through. And if that can be prevented, in the long term they will only be happy that they got pulled out of such years of misery and pain no?

Some people just not have the same 'strength' to resists as others, and therefore should get warned in my opinion. Same as what happens with smoking.

Vindictive is when 2 non-BPD'ers split up and 1 of them feels like brother-sister rather than husband-wife. So be it. If you then put all you dirty laundry out in order for her to prevent a normal life, is indeed the step in the wrong direction. Of course you can see it as a part of 'not letting go' of the past relationship, but you can also see it as dealing with the pain you have been through and putting it in the right perspective.

It seems to be that whilst she has moved on, you haven't and are still very much consumed by her. Your reasoning is understandable because you feel hurt but choosing to put so much energy into focusing on her isn't going to take away your pain.

What can you do for you to feel better? What do you need to do for yourself to let go? The only person that you can control and be responsible for is yourself. Meddling in her affairs now will not help you, unless of course you feel that by warning him, she might come back to you.

How are you? How do you feel about you and your life now? Can you envisage a happy life without her? I know how painful it is to be discarded but I think that you would be better placed focussing on your own life and trying to repair yourself.

harmkrakow,

Do you by any chance have rescuing tendencies?  And since the realization has struck that your ex cannot be rescued by you, you're transferring the attempt to rescue onto the world of unsuspecting love interests?

Newton has provided you with some good food for thought:  The Karpman (drama) Triangle

If you haven't researched it, please do so.

I am in a relationship with a pwBPD right now and have been for years.  My mother has BPD.  If someone were to 'warn' me about the relationship woes they've suffered with either person, I'd tell them to take a flying leap and to mind their own d@mn business, if I spoke to them at all.

The person who attempted to 'rescue' me, has now become a 'victim', with me being the 'persecutor'.

Make sense?   

Thanks for this.  I needed to read this today.  I have struggled with whether I have an obligation to warn the next unlucky girl---because my ex-BPD has an std and will NOT disclose.   Does this really change things?  I have maintained NC for almost three weeks now.  I know this is the best thing but it is difficult.  I take responsibility for ignoring many  red-flag and for being too trusting.    Do I have an over-riding obligation to warn? 

IMHO, yes regarding the std but not the BPD.

This is my thought to. Take a long deep breath and a honest thought about yourself. It really does sound like "save-the-world-from-evil" type of thought.

Well I apologize for that :) I am the kind of guy who likes to help people but normally never seeks anything (approval) out of it. Unfortunately with my current gf w BPD it became a different story as she got attracted to me while I was helping her.

Maybe I see this whole endeavor with her as my own personal failure and the chance that I might have screwed my career over this is something I want others to prevent. I really have this urge deep inside me, I don't know why. Everybody deserves a second chance in regards of professional careers (!) etc, but sometimes a second chance doesn't always lurk around the corner. And yeah, I met her on the top of my level, everything was flowing like never before. Everything fitted together, everything, and all out of a sudden she was there, hopelessly in pain. I didn't feel anything(!) for her at the time, but she yanked upon me like glue in the first weeks and I was sold after a good 3 months. Now 15 months later, all is almost lost and others have surpassed me. Maybe it's the guilt or that I feel ashamed that this happened to me and that I was to blind to see all the red-flag in the beginning. (No one ever told me anything about it ... ) and I have had friends who told me i'm a fool for letting me get destroyed by such a girl with major issues in the rucksack on her back. It's like I feel this need/urge to share my pain because I really don't want others to share it, feel it, and get lost in it like I do. I let myself go, way to far. And remember, i'm still officially in the hands of my gf w BPD as we still officially have a r/s but I just don't have a strong 'backbone?' to stand up for myself.

Validation?

Harmkrakow – I had this innate need to save others from pain. Not your role – others need to come to their own conclusions and handle life in their own way. With pain comes growth. By informing others you are also taking away the joy of growing despite the pain.

Intersetingly in tis instance you are actually being the 'rescuer' in the triangle. Agree? Yuo are making your SO out to be the persecutor - she is ill - yes!


Good point – its interesting how we don’t see the red flags – why is that? At some point we enjoyed it – then it went sour – we stuck around regardless – and now we are crying in our soup!

Harmkrakow, no one needs to tell you about it – there is a reason why you didn’t recognise the signs – this is where your healing will begin.


Not everyone attaches to a Borderline! Finding out why we did is key – and it has nothing to do with your SO – you had these tendencies before you met her. Did deep – look at your own Family of Origin (FOO).


I find your statement interesting – you almost sound like you feel owned/controlled be her actions…walking on eggshells to please?

What changes need to be made – because it doesn’t seem to working the way it is right now!

i had two people tell me that my uexBPDbf wasn't actually getting divorced. they were both coworkers, with little intimate knowledge of his life, actually. i assumed they were just gossiping. and when i confronted him, he said the same and we actually laughed it off.

a year later, he was promoted, and in a nasty twist of fate, was one of those individual's manager. he fired him within six weeks.

NO ONE warned me about the BPD. and if they had, i know i would have researched it. i would have learned about gaslighting. i would have DEFINITELY contacted the wife very early on to confirm the pending divorce. but i tend to have a somewhat obsessive personality, and that's just me.

even now, i have thoughts about contacting the wife and telling her that she's not just in a ~ty marriage with a guy she doesn't trust (her words, not mine), but she's actually in a very mentally abusive r/s. i hate to think of what they're doing to the kids. HATE IT.

but i wouldn't. at this point, it would open me up to violence from the ex as his family is all he has and if he felt they could leave him, i honestly think he would be homocidal. and even better, he would paint me as the "crazy b1tch" whom is jealous/scorned/whatever.

someone in this thread said it best - we're not here to force others to learn their own life lessons. life is hard enough dealing with our own lessons! why take on the burden of someone else's?

i have, however, typed up an email that tells her everything. no intentions of ever sending it (i don't even have her email addy), but on days when i get sad about the good times, i read it and remember how bad it really will always be.

Same here 

As somebody who warned and probably 'saved' a good guy from my exgf (even if my warning was because I was pissed off) ... .  it did not save myself from another recycle after that.

This is an important point you have highlighted nowwhatz... .  

Is it possible that our anger, resentment at being cast aside and suddenly unimportant is fueling our desire to still be "involved"... .  somehow.  This may be motivated by jealousy that a new 'saviour' has adopted our role in the dynamic... .  

Our rescuer traits have become redundant as far as our ex is concerned... .  so we search frantically to 'help' someone else, or persecute our ex... .  rather than processing our pain.  It's a great temporary distraction!... .  but thats all it is... .  

Stepping off the fairground ride that is making us feel yukky means we have to confront our own very real pain... .  loss and rejection.

The prospect of being able to help another poor soul who has chosen to adopt the 'saviour' role, or to ruin our ex... .  is the path of least resistance... .  it's hindering our healing.

How about the hope you have that the ex-BPDer will get some pain (and maybe that much that she gets a eureka moment?) when the healthy guy who is with her will be told of all the  red-flag and leaves and let the BPDer in shock?

Piling additional pain onto a person who is already experiencing almost unbearable amounts of emotional distress, and is masking that behind a wall of denial... .  no I can't see that causing a 'eureka' moment... .  

I can, however, see it resulting in the person with BPD feeling "see, it's true... .  I'm unlovable" and adopting the victim role again... .  then running as fast as possible into the arms of a new 'rescuer'... .  

Haha, so true. Yeah, you are definitely right on the money with that one.  lol

In this example: Hope = Fantasy

We do not have the power to control or change any outcome that ultimately must be decided by another person.  It's pretty narcissistic to believe that we do.

Kinda like this thread... .   My feelings, that go way against wanting to warn future unsuspecting love interests about BPD behaviors, are my feelings, and I feel very strongly about them.  I can type to you until my fingers fall off trying to get you to come over to my way of thinking, giving you all kinds of examples for why it's the wrong thing to do.  :)oes it mean you're going to listen to me?  Nope.  You're going to believe and do whatever you want to believe and do for your very own reasons... .   And I have to respect that and get on with my life.

I'm wondering though... .   You've stated that you are still in this relationship and are having a hard time pulling the plug.  Could the person you're trying to rescue, warn and convince be yourself?

 

I think your words have a bigger impact on me than you first would think :)


That's a deep one, and maybe yes, maybe the one i'm trying to rescue is myself. Everyone around me tells me to get rid of her, I feel worse and worse, and she blackmails me emotionally, mental abuse, seriously drives me crazy but I still am not capable of pulling the plug. Do I enjoy the pain (as my shrink wondered) and I was resolute, hell no! I am trying to convince myself and yeah it is not entirely a mystery why I can't let her go, I am not convinced (stupidly enough) that I can get better than her. Neither am I convinced that I can get my old life back where I once was. Nor am I convinced that I will ever get this level of intimacy or intensity back in any other r/s. I don't have that conviction. Maybe deep inside, I try to convince myself. So far I've only had 1 point last weeks where I was almost certain to pull the plug, when she literally told me with a furious rage that I have absolutely zero lack of empathy, never had and that I've never been interested in how she actually feels.

That point ... was a point where I smiled and wondered, what the **** am I doing in this r/s. Unfortunately I didn't pull the plug at that time.  

I wouldn't attempt to 'warn' the new knight in shining armour.

This is my experience of something similar. I approached my partners (soon to be ex,... .  working on it) new male 'friend' to try and find out whether he was a friend as she kept trying to convince me, or whether he was her new/other lover. I asked him out right... .  he replied with lover... .  I explained that she was in a relationship with me... .  showed him the loving texts she had sent me that day. Described events that had happened in her life over the past few days and weeks, events only her and a partner would know... .  but guess what, he didn't believe a word of what I said, even after being shown concrete evidence. I just think pwBPD are just so good at putting on an act and convincing nons that was they say is the truth. This guy had been told I was a 'nasty piece of work', violent and a cheat, all so far from the truth, I was painted black... .  badly black. When I first met my partner if someone had come up to me and told me they were BPD I wouldn't have believed them either, I was hooked, convinced I could change this wonderful woman's life of misery for something better.

Zack     

I'm going to do it because my ex Wife BPD is wrapping kids up into her latest episode.  

She specifically said to me, as one of the reasons she wanted to get a divorce, that she wanted to have kids and found another guy to have them with.  YIKES!  

From day 1 with me and for 12 years, she adamantly did not want any kids.  So, we had none.  Now, one of her biggest reason for divorcing me is that she now wants kids.  Part of her 180 degree, overnight personality change.  

Her mother and 2 brothers are mentally ill.  Pretty badly.  Her mother won't talk to her (nor will anyone else in her family) and it's because of the clashing of BPD and whatever her mother has for an illness, which is bordering more on schizophrenia.

Anyway, I feel that since my ex wife is looking to have children immediately with a guy she has know for 2 weeks before making that decision, I had better warn him.  

There is a HUGE obligation to warn when kids are about to be brought into the world by cause of a BPD episode. Kids that will probably have BPD themselves.  I don't hate the guy.  It's not his fault she latched onto him.  But... .  he will be in a world of pain when she flips on him and leaves him with this new family she is on about.  

So, maybe warning in some cases is good?  I do wish someone would have warned me.

Duplicate... .  delete

If I was warned during the idolization stage, it would have dug me in deeper.  I'd have seen it as an attack from the abusive ex and I'd be more inclined to protect and rescue.  

In addition, warning is a violation of boundaries and it is abusive.  How would you feel if your ex contacted someone you were dating and told her how abusive you are?  I'd go ballistic.  It's the same.

Moreover, it's hubris to believe that we would have responded well to a warning.  How many many red flags were there from the beginning for you?  I had so so many warnings.  In retrospect I knew how damaged and ill my ex was, but didn't want to believe it, because I was mirrored and because of my shortcoming and I lived in denial of destructive hope.  If one of her exes had warned me, I would have been even more trauma bonded... .  which might have led to murder/suicide.

It's easy to say that we would have done something different if we were warned.  But that also means that we are open minded enough to listen.  Fore example, in this thread, 99% of the people, with experience apart from their exes say don't do it.  Yet, we still want to go against all the advice because, "we smarter than everyone else and we know what's best."  Just like betting involved with a mentally ill BPD who's actions are in essence sociopathic.  

What makes us think that we would have listened to a warning when we were trauma bonded.  It's denial of our own shortcomings.  It's a desire to control outcomes.  It's a desire for justice and closure.   But it's a disorder and we're trauma bonded to the disorder.  And the disorder win every time.  If we could have won we would have won at least once in the interaction.  How many times did we win when we were in the interaction?  Why would we think that we could win now?  The only way not to lose is not to play.  And that means No Contact.  No loopholes to no contact.

And critically, because it's a disorder, we never know how our actions will be interpreted or the end result of our interference.  I wouldn't want to be the one who's actions caused a murder/suicide, or suicide, or a justified restraining order against me.  

For me, the overwhelming desire to warn the next guy, is simply an obsessive compulsive reaction to my denial of my responsibility for my pain.  It' allows me to look outside of myself for relief of the pain and shame.  The only answers to the pain and shame are for me to detach and devalue my ex, keep no contact of any kind, and look to heal myself by examining my core wounds and shortcomings.  

I understand the pain and it hurts like hell, but moving through the issues and pain in a positive manner has given me more growth and self love than I could have hoped for when I was w/ my ex.

In support

SP

Yeah but the new rescuer in the case of my exgf is always the old rescuer ... .  me.

Here are some things that have happened to my udBPDexgf in her life ... .  things that you would think might awaken her.

1. first husband left her and son for another another woman.

2. second husband rescued her from that situation... .  married her and brought her from mexico to the usa.

3. second husband cheated on her for 3-5 years before leaving her.

4. I rescued her from that situation... .  moved her and her son into my home.

5. after experiencing the full blown BPD  and not being able to take it anymore (I did not know what was going on) I kicked her out of my house. as mad as she was you would think she would never talk to me again ... .  right? after all I put her and her kid on the street.

6. recycled as gf

7. recycled as friend with benefits

8. recycled as gf

9. recycles as friend with benefits

10. recycled as gf

11. recycled as friend with benefits

12. recycled as gf

13. after she flaked again I hit her with a barrage of words designed to cause maximum pain and shock in order to get back at her and wake her up to change.

14. NC for almost 3 months.

15. tearful, remorseful, "you treated me like a queen I am so sorry,  blah blah... .  "  'surprise' meeting recycled again as serious gf.

16. 'final' break up and now limited/nc where I will be ignored until she decides to try to recycle again (it is coming).   I cannot really be friends because she has nothing to give to a friend and is guilty again about the way she has treated me... .  and mad at me.

Her ex-husband still rescues her financially which intermittently causes her to still "love" him.

She is about to lose her car, her apt, and maybe her job and son (she may have to move back to mexico and he will not go with her).

So there are all these things that have happened that one would think would shock or encourage change in a person.   But no.

So in my opinion there is absolutely nothing we can do (good, great, bad or ugly) that can help wake up or affect change in a person with this condition.

I have sometimes thought of writing a general warning - an laymans article about BPD - some of my experiences (edited to protect the guilty) and some of the common experiences of non partners. Like many I had never heard of BPD - unlike say bi-polar disorder - it really is never spoken about.  Lots of ppl like to read "first person" relationship story's over sunday toast & coffee. Surely if it was well written if would be publishable?

Ain't that the truth. I have enough stories to fill a script for several seasons of a telenovela.

What if your best friend told you this?

You are best friends with your replacement?... .  If it is, then this should further show, the crowd that you gravitate towards, question what you consider a friend, and/or SO. Anything outside of doing nothing, you will come across as a jilted lover, and no matter how you slice it, and package it, there is some truth, and its understandable. Spinning it, so the outcome benefits you. You are still trying to control an uncontrollable situation, the perfect situation, to keep you from helping the only one, you truly have the power to help, yourself. Like others have said, in the end it will be your decision, and you have a pretty good idea, what the results will be. Understand that your subconscious is leading you down the path of least resistance. Its attempting to apply another band-aid. The same ones, that got you to this point now. Its time to truly look deep inside, and figure out what make you tick. The more you understand yourself, the more you understand others. Your going to come across many forks in the road. Have enough forgiveness and kindness towards yourself, to know you are exploring new paths, and you may take a wrong turn or two... .  I wish you well, PEACE

I'm sending the Fed Ex out right now.  :)

I actually feel very good doing this.  My BPDex is trying to have kids with this guy she just met.  KIDS.  That is her main reason for being with him.  (180 degree shift from not wanting kids 12 years before that)

If I can help this guy avoid the utter, living hell it would be to have kids with her, I will be doing the right thing.  

I can't even imagine how much worse this all would have been if I had kids with my ex and had mentally ill children and a wife to deal with, who would be running off all the time.

Who cares about the BPDex and how she feels?  What does that matter?  She doesn't care how other feel, so who cares?  Warning this guy will probably prevent his *own* suicide.  

I think it's the right thing to do.  

I will also be 100% done with her after this.  I feel it coming.  Went on a 5 mile walk today and felt fine.  :)idn't care that she wasn't there.  I have other things to do aside from worry about her anymore.  Getting over the hump and if I can help a fellow human being to know about BPD before making HUGE mistakes, saving his life, I will do it.  

I'm at Fed Ex now... .  I'm doing it!   |iiii

Ok, I would SERIOUSLY recommend anyone at least write up the warning to the new person, even if you never send it to them.

It was very VERY therapeutic to write down a short summary of all the hell I went through and the major malfunctioning points of my marriage to a BPD. 

Even if I never sent it and he never receives it, I am feeling FREE!

Writing all the hell out and reading it back to yourself gives you the strength to say, "He can have her!" 

I don't wish her on a complete stranger, but looking back and summarizing my marriage and her mental health issues over the 12 years I've been with her (from beginning of the relationship) was amazingly telling. 

When you are in it, it is hard to see the forest for the trees.  Summarizing it for someone else in a short message (2 1/2 pages for me) will leave you wondering why you ever bothered. 

I also realized I dodged an incredible bullet.  If she chose "house and kids" instead of "build a boat" I would be stuck with a pair of mentally deficient kids, a whacko wife and would probably be contemplating my own suicide.

Today, after a 5 mile walk and writing up that letter, I finally feel FREE!  I  feel closure. 

Try it, even if you don't send it!  |iiii  :)

Agreed! It works very well. Very well :) And awesome you kept it on 2.5 page. Mine wouldn't even be done after 25, let alone 50 pages  lol

BPD is so complex. when I warned the new bf it was in the written to appear in the spirit of bros before __s.  Later I got nasty texts from the ex and even the bf and I responded in not as nice a way saying something like don't get attached hit it and quit it ect. then more nasty texts came in from the newbf and I said your texts are proof you are being controlled like an xbox controller... .  pull the ripcord. etc.

Anyways I don't think I could have done 'better' than that ... .  and it did lead to a quick demise of the r/s.

But as time has gone on I realize there was really nothing good that came out of my actions (so what the ex came back to me. was that good?).  Plus it excalated my emotions and kept me in an obsessive tailspin for too long.

yeah well, I did just that. I was hurt and agry and am pretty sure he is rekindling with his ex again. I did not have her phone number so I messaged her on facebook. I don't think she goes on there to often, but when she does oh boy. I wish I could erase those messages. He is going to flip

Do you really care that you put it on there? Like really really care?

I have my doubts. :) And it's interesting to see that the first few posts in this topic were about NOT warn others while the majority of the last all DID warn the others. lol

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