BPDFamily.com

Most of you are probably familiar with my story. Diagnosed BPDxgf, almost 3 years, 4 recycles. Other than the 1st time she dropped me on my head where I begged, pleaded like a needy child, on the second drop I went into total N/C. However, usually after 20 days or so I start getting the random texts or emails and by 90 days she has hoodwinked me back into the wild ride of idealization, lies, cheating and then of course the gradual decay towards eventually being painted Black.

This last drop was too painful and the more seriously I take her condition the more I know I simply have to walk away and never look back despite my attachment and love. This time around I built a fortress around myself. I have her phone number blocked for texts and calls as well as having her emails promptly deleted so I dont have to even read them and potentially get hit with one of her manipulating darts. I also moved waay across town. I am past 30 days N/C and on DEFCON 2, super high alert, attack is imminent.

My research, insight and guesstimations is that BPD's in most cases will boomerang back at some point. Could be 2 months or 2 years, but when is anyones guess. The strongest argument for me is The Chase. A Borderline's sense of Self is predicated on her ability to manipulate your desire and emotions; when a seduction challenge comes to an end, so does her capacity to reinvigorate self-esteem--at least until the next elusive lover is found. Once you've been hunted down, captured and bagged... the thrill of chase is over and so are you. The other is that during a breakup or separation, your absence may force her to confront sensations of emptiness and/or self-loathing. She'll usually re-engage when this psychic pain becomes unbearable, or she's wanting/needing something from you--but this is always according to her terms and timing. The other one that seems to make sense is that BPD's can not handle or accept closure or finality. They could be a fully grown adult, but they are children and you're seen as their property, their toy so to speak and even if they store you away in closet, you still belong to them. There are more out there, but these are the ones that make sense to me. Not sure if anyone agrees, disagrees or has a better perspective, but I think the bigger question is how to stay strong, focused when they do bounce back and come around for their needs/wants.

Early in my relationship one of my Expwb old friends told me she thought that she loved the thrill of the chase... .maybe a point proved in my last re-cycle as i had moved on yet my ex wanted her 'toy' back... once she had me the devalue started...

I'm so sorry you're going through this Dagwood.

They come back because we let them. I believe they will stop only after we have stuck to our NC for a long time. They can't handle rejection, so after we don't respond for long enough to them I believe they will eventually realize the well has run dry and move on.

What's helped me? Realizing his words were meant to ease his suffering, and they didn't really have anything to do with me.

If you haven't read my last comment on the "do you spy" post, you'll see how I've finally gotten closure.

My ex (and the nature of BPD) is that they are in immense emotional pain and cannot self soothe. So they find someone to distract from that pain and help them emotionally regulate.

I've had a profound shift in my thinking after the events of this week.

I've been putting up with manipulative and abusive behavior for over 5 1/2 years.

I need to take a good look at myself and figure out why I had such low self esteem and self worth to let someone do this to me and to believe the lies.

I'm working on having better biumdaries, loving myself more and realizing my worth, listening to my gut and running when I see a red flag instead of trying to rescue people.

It's taken a long time to get here and it's been incredibly painful.

But I feel I'm finally healing.

And know that God can make something good out of our broken pieces.

Try to be kind to yourself and start putting the work into finding out the reasons you allowed this behavior over and over.

Take care of you.

Also... .changing how you think about it being "love" and realizing it was need.

Google signs of healthy relationships and compare that to what you experienced.

When I stopped thinking about how much he "loved me" and realized he's really not capable of loving because he doesn't even love himself it has helped me let go of this idea that it was love.

FlSunshine this one has been a tough one for me to stomach, but it is one of the pieces of mt recovery. Most importantly to focus on what someone Does... not what they say. Growing up we all love to hear Positive Affirmations from our parents, teachers and friends. At least with my BPDx, I tended to listen and strongly internalize the beautiful, free flowing honey that dripped from her mouth and tongue, but the actions and results never followed.

Thank you!

Google signs of a healthy relationship 

i just did and wow... .thank you 

Beautifully said!

It was for me too. That's what kept me stuck and going back over and over.

They just don't know what healthy love it.

It's desperation and need. I loved to be needed. It was in my code and made me feel good.

But until I realized I was extremely miserable and love wasn't suppose to hurt like this, I couldn't heal.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a depressed mom and an alcoholic dad.

My dad was raised by a verbally and physically abusive mom and his dad abandoned them when he was little.

My parents did the best they could, and I love them. Nobody is perfect, but I had a light bulb moment not too long ago and realized that my own dad takes jabs at me often. Sometimes it's subtly about my appearance and sometimes it's about my abilities.

And I'm a 39 year old woman with a Bachelors degree in business and people tell me often that I'm pretty or beautiful but inside I don't feel it and I feel totally incapable of doing things sometimes.

My dad would tell me when I was young, "if you want to catch a rat, you have to look like cheese. I'll be happy to pay for some classes so you can learn to apply makeup and do your hair." To me as a young girl that said "you aren't good enough the way you are. No one will love you unless you're different."

Just a few weekends ago I had my parents over for dinner. My dad left and said "thanks for dinner daughter, I'm so shocked your house was even clean."

Wow! What I would have loved to hear from my dad is "I'm so proud of you. You're really grown into a remarkable woman. Dinner was wonderful, thanks sweetheart."

A year ago I went on vacation with my dad and some other family members and I had showered and put on a pretty new skirt and top and came down for dinner. Right infront of everyone my dad says, "what are you wearing?"

Not, "Honey, you look so beautiful! What a beautiful daughter I have."

So what's your story? Can you identify anything from your childhood or parents that caused you to have issues as an adult?

Thanks Infared!

Yoire welcome mitatsu! 

Right back at ya!

I don't remember where I got this, but I have a folder in my phone with things I've been reading that has resonated with me.

Here's one that helped that goes along with our discussion:

Love is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities.

The feelings you've had aren't actually "Love," they're infatuation, addiction and obsession. Using this word in reference to them, keeps you trapped in painful yearning--so try and drop it from your vocabulary. You were understandably inebriated with how all the attention helped you feel about Yourself, but real love is neither painful nor obsessional. Pain could have become associated and confused with loving throughout your childhood--but it's the antithesis of consistently stable, nourishing relationships.

And if course in the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.

Couldnt agree with you more on this and that's why this time I have various safety nets in place. Until enough time passes and I am really strong enough I'm doing all I can to Stop any of her penetrations. Yes, the Non-BPD is ultimately responsible to Not hit the ball back over the net. This is clear to me now. My post is more about the WHY they come back. AsI look over the multitude of posts there are many people here on their first BPWx break-up or recycle and they may be doomed to believe that there is that tiniest of chance that things will be better the next time, that the BPD will eventually change or if the Non-BPD works harder and does things differently "the next time" things will work out. I've been there and those ideas all went through my head. I just think it's important for those just charting into unknown territories with BPD person that they have an understanding that The Returning BPDx is really NOT coming back because of "them." That hurts! Took me 4 recycles, lots of gooey words from her as to why she wanted me back, but it wasn't really for me or what I had to offer.

Yes! It hurt me too! I wanted to believe he missed me and loved me so much (basically validate what a worthwhile person I was).

I'm a worthwhile person weather he thinks so or not. Had to get that thru my head.

And while it hurt at first that it wasn't about how much he loved me, it was freeing in a way too.

He didn't cheat because I wasn't good enough. He didn't "fall in love" with that other person because she was better than me... .it was all about him and his need to make sure his needs are taken care of.

He found a replacement for me before we were even done because he feared abandonment.

His two attempts to contact me (which majorly tugged at my heart! He said not a day goes by that he doesn't think of me and wonder if I'm doing well and more than anything he wanted me in his life and he said "I miss you. Everyday I miss you"

I came so close to emailing back and saying "I love you and miss you too!"

But I found out he was USING me! He had a fall out with my replacement "his new soulmate" and wanted to see if I would soothe him.

And now they are done for good I assume, I think she found out he did something unforgivable, he had changed his Facebook profile from a screen shot of momentos of them to a screen shot of a gift I had made him.

So now she's discarded and he must attach to me again. I expect to hear from him again. But will remain NC! And once he gets it that I'm no longer available for him to use, I will be discarded and someone else will be in that spot.

So if this guy had loved me, he wouldn't have been lining up a replacement for me. He would have gotten treatment and worked on himself and tried to make us work.

But I was an object to use to fight the pain he feels at his core. And so was my replacement. He didn't love her either, although I'm sure he said he did.

So the why is for many of them, that they can't be alone.

Wanted to break down the two emails a little better... .first email said he just wanted me to know he missed me. He wasn't writing with any crazy motives or requests.

Then one week later to the day, I got another email saying again he missed me and he "wanted his friend" and we didn't have to see each other or talk every day.

What the heck kind of friendship is that? That's one where I'm being used to soothe him.

And the first email was bait to see if I would bite.

I use to jump at the first recycle attempt and he was betting on that I'm sure.

So when the bait didnt work, he had to let me know he was making a request of me!

So he lied in the first email.

And the other day he was stalking me.

It's about his pain. Not me at all.

But this has been a HUGE breakthrough for me!

And I hope you get there too.

Guess I have lots to say... .lol

My ex's ooey gooey words inspired me to write him poetry, paint him pictures, create things for him... .

No one had EVER made me feel the way he did!

But it wasn't real. It's love bombing and idealization and a very addictive drug.

I understand this touching of the "artistic-poet" inside us. After she would drop me there would be total radio silence. She would start with some sappy email. I would wait 24 hours, if I could, even though I was chomping at the bit I would go 2 days. The the river of words would flow. I actually looked forward to these periods because she would send me wonderful, expressive emails. She couldnt seem to do it in person. Soung dedications, articles, etc. Same with texts, but not as intense. Over a 3 month period the flow would turn to a drought. I would send a text... no response... sometimes hours, maybe next day. Eventually, it simply dawned on me what was happening. I kept reminding myself to watch, follow her actions, not her words, either spoken or written. It wasnt matching up! By the 3rd recycle I turned into more of a listener and observer. It all started to come together for me during this last Christmas Holiday when I went through her phone and saw very graphic, erotic exchanges she was having with at least 3 other guys. This would have been a good time to make my exit... but I went total Denial. Valentines Day came and she was a total cold fish, was txting the whole time and after we had dinner I asked what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to go shopping for shoes? She didnt like my reaction, but we had our final night of intimacy that night. The next day she told me she was Done.

Same with my ex! After the break up and before the make up the words would flow! He always quoted the poet Rumi to me.

He was probably good at remembering it because he said it over and over to many a person.

The break up email he said, "I'll never love another the way that I loved you."

And then just a few short months later he's in love with this girl.

I remember him telling me once that he never loved any of this ex's but would say to me "I know that I know that I know that I love you.


I'm so sorry for what you had to go through.  It's a horrible pain.

Mine HAD to have a new supply to leave. She could not be alone for one minute.No way.After my initial shock and some early on attempts to change her mind (at first I did not know that there was someone else), I went hardcore NC and it just about killed me... the pain was something that I would wish on no one... not even her.

About a year later, I got a drive-by the night before my Mom's memorial service... .and found a note on my windshield in the morning... .which I threw in the garbage without reading and continued my NC. Of course she was a no show at the memorial service. 6 months later the drive-byes started and at one point she pulls in and smugly asks me to go for a walk with her and "that it won't change anything". I swear she was just coming round to enjoy herself by causing me causing pain. That is what it appeared to be to me.

My response was "so let me see if I've got this right... .You want me to take a walk with you, talk to you, get close to you and want to be with you... .and then you are going home to sleep with another man and I am going to go home alone, right?  I would not be being a very good friend to myself if I did that, now would I?... .Absolutely not."

It almost killed me... .but I took care of me. I had really been working hard on myself and I know that I saved myself buckets more paid by shutting her shenanigans down. Amen.

I don't think they always come back... .you have to take into account her options and the things you did and said in response to her episodes... my ex was a knockout and have no doubt I was replaced right away, I was probably replaced before I left.  Plus I fought back hard the last time she raged at me... I basically had already gave up and was angry she was doing all of this again... .I stooped to her level and im done.  I was done degrading myself begging and pleading for her to stop.  Do I deep down wish she would show remorse and contact me? yup! But she wont I made sure of that and I wont contact her... .I just wish the pain would go away already!

"A Borderline's sense of Self is predicated on her ability to manipulate your desire and emotions; when a seduction challenge comes to an end, so does her capacity to reinvigorate self-esteem--at least until the next elusive lover is found."

his/her

I agree totally with her statement. How can you show love and respect if you can't give it to yourself. Most borderline can't do that they are incapable of showing love. It's just a front to suck you in further. When they try and recycle the best thing you can do is head for the hills. The pain isn't worth it. I've been with a high functioning borderline and a low functioning borderline. You don't benefit from either one. They are poison to your life and are extremely toxic. They will never change. They always make promises to change but won't seek help.

Oh Dear God! NOO!  I hope, think, pray that mine won't return because he has his "Mom" as a spouse.  However, she is getting up there in age, so I speculate that the only thing that would cause his return is the loss of his Mother.  I have blocked off all access points to him except for him calling or arriving at my office and him coming to my home isn't something that will happen.  I have become very committed to ZERO contact.  I have destroyed all letters, texts, et cetera that would cause me to re-read the nonsense.  So, I wonder if I can volunteer for the Witness Protection Program?  Given his job, he'd be able to find me.  Yikes..  Please tell me that not all of them return.  I just need him to G.O. away.

Dagwood, it must be terribly difficult for you to discipline yourself to refuse the recycling invitations. My ex has totally closed the door on me, and I know enough about her romantic history to know that once she discards someone they are headed for the landfill. If I thought she would be coming back regularly I would have a very tough time adhering to my boundaries in the face of that temptation. Like I would have to go to Twelve Step meetings or something to maintain abstinence.

The common factor is, whether they are gone forever or come back repeatedly, it's all about what they want. No real negotiating, no consideration for the other person's welfare.

My recycle sense is tingling with my ex right now.

I only want a friendship.

... .yes... .yes... .no real consideration for you if they come back... .they may offer some shallow awareness of your pain... .but it's really all about their agenda. Mine was pretty transparent.

When I sipped believing the words and looked at the actions I saw the painful truth and I was getting healthier.

Achaya: In all honesty the first few times it wasn't that difficult to refuse. I was in a haze of denial, ignorance about how truly insidious her condition was and of course was feeling so badly from her loss. She also had me convinced the break-ups were my fault. Hindsight, each time she came back I kept thinking it was because she truly cared about me and loved me. That wasn't the case at all.


Infared: Same thing would happen to me. I would just start to feel better and ready to move on and she would send the right text or email and next thing I knew there I was lying next to her in bed. I was nothing more that a comforting "booty call."

How are you holding up Dagwood? Has it been a struggle for you?

'They could be a fully grown adult, but they are children and you're seen as their property, their toy so to speak and even if they store you away in closet, you still belong to them'

Absolutely the case. My ex used to quip that she 'collected people in glass jars', sounds  quite creepy now looking back but at the time I just thought it was another of the stupid things she said. I put these comments down to her loving the sound of her voice at the time and ignored the content. Doh!

I found many attempts from my ex to contact all her exes at some point during our relationship, usually at times of stress, she would send massively emotional and manipulative emails to all of them, practically a copy and paste and hope they would take the bait. But as the crisis passed, she didn't contact them again until something else triggered her, often years later.

Contacts are ALL about them and have nothing to do with you, your well being, or a build up of emotion from them until they burst and 'must' contact you. As far as my ex goes, she's not thinking of them, or me at all, until she is triggered, then she's hugely emotional and as quickly as that feeling comes, it goes. A response would make her feel powerful, nothing more, she doesn't really want them, she just wants to know they are still responsive to her.

The most hurtful and puzzling thing an ex could do to her was ignore her. It drove her insane, again, not from love, but from entitlement. How very dare they!

I'm just curious... .In my case, after the B/U I kept my ex-BPD as a contact for a while, just to let the contact paths be open (stupid, I know). I then decided that it was hindering my healing and detachment that I was still able to follow every move on social media and other messenger platforms, so I removed them all. What does that mean then? If you're right, this should definitively cease all contact and wish for my ex-BPD to ever contact me again, right?

?

Your ex will contact you based on how they are feeling (feelings = facts and are overwhelming for a BPD+ you are their property) whenever they want. Regardless if you want it or not, regardless if you've told them not to speak to you and regardless if you've blocked off contact, if they can find a way while they are triggered, they will hunt for a way.

My ex stalked her exes of social media and would look for their workplaces to send emails and even send mails to colleagues to try to get around and too her exes.

Thanks for asking Kaster. Actually doing quite well. Almost 70 days N/C and totally ready to close the chapter on this experience. So do you tend to attract BPD's?

Okay, thanks Trog. I just wanted to make sure that I understood it correctly. The last phrase confused me a bit (the "how dare they!" part). My ex is very "quiet" so I don't expect to hear from him/her again, which is perfectly fine with me. Will make it so much easier to detach. Yours and many others words on these boards have helped immensely.

Thanks.

Trog: You're right on the money here as I had practically same experiences.

Honestly Dagwood I have no clue. It's kinda fluke deal to date the opposite back to back. They say it generally happens after your first relationship with a borderline. I wasn't aware she was borderline until the end of the relationship. I sat her down and showed her what was wrong and she broke it down to me and agreed with me about it, but she didn't want to do anything to get help! So in my mind I was thinking if she really loved me and cared about me then she would get the help for 6 months without me in the picture and come and prove it to me, but as we both know they don't want help they want to continue their destructive cycle in life and destroy everyone they meet. Most normal healthy people would stay far away from them because they are so toxic to anyone they come around. It truly is a shame the we nons meet these kind of people and fall so deep for them. It's a power struggle coming out from the FOG, but once you get out you see them for who they really are. I don't know that mine won't come back but the odds are she will.

She dropped plenty of hints towards then end. Claimed she needed to find herself which we both know is BS. She always told me what a kind heart and big heart I had and I took that as hey I can screw you over and come back and you will forgive me. But there was also plenty of other indicators as well. It's been tough because I'm still emotionally connected but it's getting better everyday. I just try to remind myself of all the bad things that she did like the lies, the deception and the cheating. It's amazing how well they can hide some of the stuff they do. They can do some really hurtful things to you, but I know I just have to be strong and get through it. It doesn't matter if she comes back because I could never take her back because of the lack of trust and the fact she won't seek DBT, CBT and counseling. So in the end it's her loss and she will just repeat the dysfunctional dance that she's always done.