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Author Topic: Why do they Always come back?  (Read 11379 times)
Trog
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 698


« Reply #30 on: May 17, 2015, 03:45:48 PM »

'They could be a fully grown adult, but they are children and you're seen as their property, their toy so to speak and even if they store you away in closet, you still belong to them'

Absolutely the case. My ex used to quip that she 'collected people in glass jars', sounds  quite creepy now looking back but at the time I just thought it was another of the stupid things she said. I put these comments down to her loving the sound of her voice at the time and ignored the content. Doh!

I found many attempts from my ex to contact all her exes at some point during our relationship, usually at times of stress, she would send massively emotional and manipulative emails to all of them, practically a copy and paste and hope they would take the bait. But as the crisis passed, she didn't contact them again until something else triggered her, often years later.

Contacts are ALL about them and have nothing to do with you, your well being, or a build up of emotion from them until they burst and 'must' contact you. As far as my ex goes, she's not thinking of them, or me at all, until she is triggered, then she's hugely emotional and as quickly as that feeling comes, it goes. A response would make her feel powerful, nothing more, she doesn't really want them, she just wants to know they are still responsive to her.

The most hurtful and puzzling thing an ex could do to her was ignore her. It drove her insane, again, not from love, but from entitlement. How very dare they!

I'm just curious... .In my case, after the B/U I kept my ex-BPD as a contact for a while, just to let the contact paths be open (stupid, I know). I then decided that it was hindering my healing and detachment that I was still able to follow every move on social media and other messenger platforms, so I removed them all. What does that mean then? If you're right, this should definitively cease all contact and wish for my ex-BPD to ever contact me again, right?

?

Your ex will contact you based on how they are feeling (feelings = facts and are overwhelming for a BPD+ you are their property) whenever they want. Regardless if you want it or not, regardless if you've told them not to speak to you and regardless if you've blocked off contact, if they can find a way while they are triggered, they will hunt for a way.

My ex stalked her exes of social media and would look for their workplaces to send emails and even send mails to colleagues to try to get around and too her exes.
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dagwoodbowser
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 282


« Reply #31 on: May 17, 2015, 03:48:27 PM »

Excerpt
Yes I'm new I've been on this website for about a year now. I dated a high functioning borderline last year and this year I dated a lower functioning borderline. It's been a rough year for me.

Excerpt
How are you holding up Dagwood? Has it been a struggle for you?

Thanks for asking Kaster. Actually doing quite well. Almost 70 days N/C and totally ready to close the chapter on this experience. So do you tend to attract BPD's?
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peacefulmind
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 132


« Reply #32 on: May 17, 2015, 03:48:42 PM »

'They could be a fully grown adult, but they are children and you're seen as their property, their toy so to speak and even if they store you away in closet, you still belong to them'

Absolutely the case. My ex used to quip that she 'collected people in glass jars', sounds  quite creepy now looking back but at the time I just thought it was another of the stupid things she said. I put these comments down to her loving the sound of her voice at the time and ignored the content. Doh!

I found many attempts from my ex to contact all her exes at some point during our relationship, usually at times of stress, she would send massively emotional and manipulative emails to all of them, practically a copy and paste and hope they would take the bait. But as the crisis passed, she didn't contact them again until something else triggered her, often years later.

Contacts are ALL about them and have nothing to do with you, your well being, or a build up of emotion from them until they burst and 'must' contact you. As far as my ex goes, she's not thinking of them, or me at all, until she is triggered, then she's hugely emotional and as quickly as that feeling comes, it goes. A response would make her feel powerful, nothing more, she doesn't really want them, she just wants to know they are still responsive to her.

The most hurtful and puzzling thing an ex could do to her was ignore her. It drove her insane, again, not from love, but from entitlement. How very dare they!

I'm just curious... .In my case, after the B/U I kept my ex-BPD as a contact for a while, just to let the contact paths be open (stupid, I know). I then decided that it was hindering my healing and detachment that I was still able to follow every move on social media and other messenger platforms, so I removed them all. What does that mean then? If you're right, this should definitively cease all contact and wish for my ex-BPD to ever contact me again, right?

?

Your ex will contact you based on how they are feeling (feelings = facts and are overwhelming for a BPD+ you are their property) whenever they want. Regardless if you want it or not, regardless if you've told them not to speak to you and regardless if you've blocked off contact, if they can find a way while they are triggered, they will hunt for a way.

My ex stalked her exes of social media and would look for their workplaces to send emails and even send mails to colleagues to try to get around and too her exes.

Okay, thanks Trog. I just wanted to make sure that I understood it correctly. The last phrase confused me a bit (the "how dare they!" part). My ex is very "quiet" so I don't expect to hear from him/her again, which is perfectly fine with me. Will make it so much easier to detach. Yours and many others words on these boards have helped immensely.

Thanks.
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dagwoodbowser
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 282


« Reply #33 on: May 17, 2015, 03:52:08 PM »

Excerpt
I found many attempts from my ex to contact all her exes at some point during our relationship, usually at times of stress, she would send massively emotional and manipulative emails to all of them, practically a copy and paste and hope they would take the bait. But as the crisis passed, she didn't contact them again until something else triggered her, often years later.

Excerpt
Your ex will contact you based on how they are feeling (feelings = facts and are overwhelming for a BPD+ you are their property) whenever they want. Regardless if you want it or not, regardless if you've told them not to speak to you and regardless if you've blocked off contact, if they can find a way while they are triggered, they will hunt for a way.

Trog: You're right on the money here as I had practically same experiences.
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Kaster21

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single now as of May 1st, 2015
Posts: 16



« Reply #34 on: May 17, 2015, 06:16:34 PM »

Excerpt
Yes I'm new I've been on this website for about a year now. I dated a high functioning borderline last year and this year I dated a lower functioning borderline. It's been a rough year for me.

Excerpt
How are you holding up Dagwood? Has it been a struggle for you?

Thanks for asking Kaster. Actually doing quite well. Almost 70 days N/C and totally ready to close the chapter on this experience. So do you tend to attract BPD's?

Honestly Dagwood I have no clue. It's kinda fluke deal to date the opposite back to back. They say it generally happens after your first relationship with a borderline. I wasn't aware she was borderline until the end of the relationship. I sat her down and showed her what was wrong and she broke it down to me and agreed with me about it, but she didn't want to do anything to get help! So in my mind I was thinking if she really loved me and cared about me then she would get the help for 6 months without me in the picture and come and prove it to me, but as we both know they don't want help they want to continue their destructive cycle in life and destroy everyone they meet. Most normal healthy people would stay far away from them because they are so toxic to anyone they come around. It truly is a shame the we nons meet these kind of people and fall so deep for them. It's a power struggle coming out from the FOG, but once you get out you see them for who they really are. I don't know that mine won't come back but the odds are she will.

She dropped plenty of hints towards then end. Claimed she needed to find herself which we both know is BS. She always told me what a kind heart and big heart I had and I took that as hey I can screw you over and come back and you will forgive me. But there was also plenty of other indicators as well. It's been tough because I'm still emotionally connected but it's getting better everyday. I just try to remind myself of all the bad things that she did like the lies, the deception and the cheating. It's amazing how well they can hide some of the stuff they do. They can do some really hurtful things to you, but I know I just have to be strong and get through it. It doesn't matter if she comes back because I could never take her back because of the lack of trust and the fact she won't seek DBT, CBT and counseling. So in the end it's her loss and she will just repeat the dysfunctional dance that she's always done.
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