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« on: April 05, 2007, 08:01:31 PM »

[L5] Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner 
 
This is the beginning of our lessons for members living with a loved one with BPD. It is designed to assist you in understanding your loved one. The workshops were developed over a few years, but the stories and advice is still very relevant. Our suggestion would be to take each section slowly, and really think about the questions that follow. Not everything will apply to your specific situation, but much of it should.
 
Our goal is to provide you with the tools and knowledge to begin to make some changes in the only thing you can control - yourself.
 
The approach is four-fold:
 
  • 1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship;

  • 2) to understand our role in the relationship problems;   

  • 3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and   

  • 4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves outside of the relationship.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2009, 02:46:53 PM »

Lesson 1
 
Understanding your partner's behaviors
 
Objective: to understand more about the mental illness.
 
For a long time you've been living with this sense of uneasiness and uncertainty, never knowing when a good day or moment would go suddenly and horribly wrong. That feeling of dread was a constant part of your life, and yet the blame for the problems were always cast onto you. Our goal is to help you obtain the knowledge to understand the chaos you've been living in and to recognize the various phases and symptoms your loved one will exhibit.

 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge. You will recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.
 
VIDEO and checklist of symptoms of BPD
Are you trying to determine if someone in your life may suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder? This eight minute video is a good starting point. You will soon find out, however, that this is a complex question. There are no simple behavioral checklists; no definitive tests. Identifying Borderline Personality Disorder requires having a working knowledge of the disorder and some insight into the past life of the person in question... .See the video and the standard checklists.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde
 
BPD - What is it? How can I tell?
BPD 102 - The disorder is determined by evaluating lifelong behavior patterns. This discussion is about defining BPD and how to reasonably determine if someone in your life has significant traits of a personality disorder. Mental illnesses are not simple and straight forward, there are often overlapping symptoms and afflictions. This discussion is about exploring the BPD, other personality disorders, and co-morbidity.Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder
 
BPD behavior - Poor executive control
At the core of BPD is rejection sensitivity and poor executive control.  Rejection sensitivity is easy to understand, executive control is a bit more complex. Executive functions and cognitive control are terms used by psychologists and neuroscientists to describe a loosely defined collection of brain processes whose role is to guide thought and behavior in accordance with a persons goals or plans. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79702.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Understanding the borderline mind/what's in the head of someone with BPD?
For a person with the disorder, understand the reasoning behind the actions. The pwBPD is not reacting to the situation at hand - to what's happening then and there and now - but to either something that had happened in the past, or to a kind of ready-reference list of beliefs about the world, which was usually learned in childhood.  Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Objectifying the Non-partner
We all know neediness is common with BPD... .Distrust of others' motives (especially if the person with BPD was sexually abused) lends a coloring to all personal interactions: fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. Neediness and fear are all about what is happening to the person, and they leave little room for empathy or even awareness of anyone else's needs. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Emotional immaturity
Immature people often demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They may seem thoughtless and impulsive. They may be loyal only while you are useful. They emotional impulsiveness (lack of executive control) results in chaotic social and financial lives. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Fear of intimacy/Fear of abandonment
Is a fear of intimacy part of BPD? Fear of abandonment is so intense in pwBPD that they often can't bear to get too emotionally close because that would make the pain even more intense if they were abandoned. Read more.
Abandonment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=47237.0
Intimacy: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.
 
BPD Behaviors: Depression and suicide ideation
Serious depression can occur under many circumstances but most commonly is present in two situations - sudden severe loss and long-term high stress levels. Depression is not necessarily about sadness... .it's about faulty. defeated thinking.  Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Self injury and Self Harm
Trying to cope with a loved one who engages in self injury is traumatic. What to say and what not to say isn't intuitive. Often we make things worse by our actions. Read more... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70493.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.  Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Splitting
Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.  Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?" Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Dissociation and dysphoria
Dissociation is a psychological state or condition in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, or memories are separated from the rest of a persons psyche. This is sometimes referred to as "splitting."  Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0
 
BPD - Treatments and cures
Recent consensus seems to suggest that behavior modification training is most effective with people affected by Borderline Personality Disorder.  Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), or one promising offshoot, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is the method most heavily evaluated in population studies.  There is also several others - Transferance (a preferred method at Columbia Presbyterian in NYC, for example) and the newer Schema, and Mentalization therapies that are being evaluated. Learn about these methods.    
https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder
 
BPD- Common medications and their side effects
NIMH-funded neuroscience research is revealing brain mechanisms underlying the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. Studies suggest that people predisposed to impulsive aggression have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies. Pharmacological treatments are often prescribed based on specific target symptoms shown by the individual patient. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be helpful for depressed and/or labile mood. Antipsychotic drugs may also be used when there are distortions in thinking. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141634
 
questions:
 
* Do you recognize any of these symptoms?
 
* How have these impacted your life?
 
* Do you feel empowered having an explanation for your troubles?
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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2009, 02:47:30 PM »

Lesson 2
 
Understanding your role in the relationship
 
Objective: To regain control over what we have power over - ourselves.
 
Much of what happens in our lives is outside of our control. Struggling against this or allowing the winds of fate to toss us around only ensures more pain and suffering for us. It is through acceptance and understanding that we will find the strength to grow and heal and become strong and independent.
 
Sadly, when members find a label to explain the chaos of their lives, it is very tempting to shift into a victim mode and use the mental illness to blame all the problems on. The harder thing to do is to come to accept that while your partner is mentally ill, that you are part of the dysfunctional dance. You accepted the abuse and poor treatment and you didn't take care of yourself as a mentally healthy person would. Most likely you have some serious co-dependency issues that need to be addressed.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge. You will recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.


Tools: The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship
It takes a great deal of strength to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.  Other important points: Realistic Expectations; Accepting the Role of "Emotional Caretaker"; Protection; Preserve Your Emotional Health; Understanding Your Motivations. Read about these key points.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship
 
Discussion: Being Committed - what does it mean?
In short... .We need to change ourselves. We need to make ourselves healthy again. We need to learn to communicate effectively. We learn to set limits and define our own boundaries... and we learn to enforce them. We learn to walk away from emotional dysregulation. We learn to allow the person with BPD their own feelings and lives and we allow the same for ourselves.  Learn more.  
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=42176.0
 
Tools - Radical acceptance for family members
Radical acceptance was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD.  from the University of Washington (see article) and is based on the ancient Zen philosophy that each moment is complete by itself, and that the world is perfect as it is. Zen focuses on acceptance, validation, and tolerance instead of making the world change.   Mindfulness is “allowing” experiences rather than suppressing or avoiding them. It is the intentional process of observing, describing, and participating in reality non-judgmentally, in the moment, and with effectiveness. Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0
 
US - The dysfunctional dance-self inflicted wounds
Many of us are in oppressive relationships with our self esteem eroding... .what part of this "abuse" is self inflicted? How do we contribute to the dysfunctional dance?  Margaret Paul, Ph.D. says "we are being victims anytime we give another person the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so on."   Learn more.  
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0
 
US - Are we Co-Dependent?
How often have you tried to "fix" someone else's mistake? How many times do you put your needs aside because your SO seem more important or because you fear how they would respond? It's easy to get sucked into the caretaking role and think that you are doing the right thing.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0
 
Are you an enabler?
Do you give too much? Do you do too much? Do you know when to say NO? Our desire to rescue and save our loved ones is strong. We find satisfaction in helping others. When does this desire to help become unhealthy?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0
 
US: are we the victims here?
Our partner's are mentally ill. Does that mean that everything bad is their fault? Does all the blame belong to them? Are we the innocent victims here? What responsibility do we have in the dysfunctional dance?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114232.0
 
US - Did she ever love me?
People with BPD are intense by nature: one of the disorder’s basic structures is mood lability. But the force of our love – and their hate, though never indifference – comes from something altogether different: from the deep emptiness inside, where no warmth seems to reach. It’s an absense of a sense of self, a sense of being a good person, and comes from a lack (or perceived lack) of getting our primary needs met when we were children, for whatever reason: abuse, neglect, trauma, difficult innate temperaments, invalidation, loss of a caretaker, harsh environment, whatever it may be. A very interesting read.    
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0
 
US - Forgiveness
It would also be nice if forgiveness would just happen on its own. We can just give it some time. But usually some intervention must take place. In other words, we must work on it, sort of like tending a garden. The process begins with a desire to forgive. Many factors may motivate this desire—none of them natural. Our natural inclination is to stay angry and hold a grudge. But, eventually, either misery gets the best of us and/or a deeply held belief system shakes loose the anger and gives way to a desire to forgive.  Explore here:    
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58084.0
 
Questions:
 
* do you see your part in this?
 
* what does holding onto your anger and pain gain you?
 
* do you believe you have the power to release your anger and disappointment and accept your loved one as they are?
 
* how much more are you going to give up in the name of love?
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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2009, 02:47:54 PM »

Lesson 3
 
Tools for communication, reinforcement of good behavior, and how not to be invalidating.
 
Objective: To learn healthier communication techniques.
 
All of us are searching for the need to be heard and understood. After food and shelter it is one of the more basic of human needs. Giving that to our loved ones is a powerful way to rebuild trust and closeness, where before there was blame and distrust. It is possible to stop making things worse and begin to work on a healthier relationship, and it begins with learning a new way of responding and listening to our loved ones.
 
All of us need to know how to ask for what we want
 
There is a formula for speaking with someone that has a better chance of success if used properly. Our attitude, tone of voice and body language has a huge impact on how our message is interpreted.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge. You will recognize your life in the stories and tales of others

 
VIDEO Before you can make things better - you must stop making them worse!
We often find ourselves caught in a cycle of conflict with our BPD loved one. Little good can happen when we are in this conflict dynamic.  Learn how to deal with it here.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
 
Pamphlet - Tools to reduce anger
BPD 102 - People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder are often hyper-sensitive and prone to conflict and excessive anger. Learn how to communicate to sensitive people using "S.E.T.", a tool conceived by Jerold Kreissmen, MD. Also learn how to break the Cycle of Conflict using a Dialectical Behavior Therapy tool conceived by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf
 
TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner
Are you making things worse?  Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got? That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right.   Learn more.      
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
 
COMMUNICATION: How to become more empathetic
Empathy is one of the main components of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. The problem most of us face with "empathy" isn’t the awareness of the importance of the skill - it is not knowing how to do it. This workshop is about empathy skills development and tips.  Read more.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
 
TOOLS: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)
 The idea behind all these tools is that a BPD has to have trust reinforced and fears of inadequancy soothed before they can listen or hear.  The non-BP validates that the feeling are real feelings (not that they justified).  The non-BP then shifts the discussion on what the real issue is and what can be done about it. These tools put a lot of responsibility of the non-BP to bridge the communication/emotional inadequacy. The assumption is that that non-BP is the emotional caretaker in these situations.   Learn these important skills.    
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0
 
TOOLS: Positive Reinforcement
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  A damaging lie is hidden in the timeworn chant.  The truth is words mold us, torment us and define us. Positive communication is a tool to reinforce good behavior and discourage bad behavior; it builds self-esteem and inspires confidence. Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted, and you can communicate those feelings by the way you speak.   Learn more.      
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Extinction Burst and Intermittent Reinforcement?
What does extinction burst mean and why should I care about this stuff?  Because when you try to implement boundaries you will most likely see an increase in bad behavior because the BPD sufferer isn't getting the response they expect. They become confused and frustrated. You've changed the rules by not giving your typical response. They will increase their bad behavior to try to get the response they are used to.   If we are prepared going in ahead of time... .see how:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0
 
TOOLS: "Getting" someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment
You cannot control the person's decision to see a therapist or get into treatment. Put yourself into the other person's place - no one likes to be told what to do or that they need help. So if the approach wouldn't be palatable to you, it probably won't be something the person with BPD will be receptive to either. There are 4 techniques that come from motivational interviewing that may help: Express Empathy; Develop Discrepancy; Roll with Resistance; Support Self-Efficacy        
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy
 

questions:
 
* Are you wiling to practice new ideas?
 
* Do you see how your previous responses contributed to things getting bad?
 

* do you now know what intermittent reinforcement is and can you  think of ways to stop doing it?
 
* can you describe a time when you believe your loved one showed an extinction burst? What did they do and how did you respond? Would you respond differently now that you understand what is happening?
 
* did you know that over 85% of our message comes from our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice?
 
* develop flash cards for the comm techniques and use them on friends, coworkers, and family first before trying them on a loved one.
 
* read up on how language can really impact how your message is received.
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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2009, 02:48:22 PM »

Lesson 4
 
Surviving confrontation and disrespect - don't take it personally, learn not to be triggered, breakthe cycle of conflict
 
Objective: To take back our power over our lives.
 
This is one of the harder lessons for people to practice - regaining control over their lives. Our sense of fear, our feelings of obligation, our massive guilt keeps us trapped and vulnerable to being manipulated and abused by the very people who claim to love us. We give in out of a sense of love and hope, yet this tactic only weakens us and emboldens our loved one to use and abuse us more. When we stand up for ourselves we regain our self respect and we put a stop to the abuse, which puts the relationship on a healthier path than our giving in to their demands ever would.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge. You will recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.

 
TOOLS: Balanced Responses and Better Outcomes for Crisis
Emotional dysregulation has a way of blindsiding you, catching you by surprise and leaving you reacting in negative, rather than positive ways. Your frustration and resentment can quickly boil over. Few of us are prepared, yet it is in these situations that we most need to have a quick, automatic response to cope... .read on.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938#msg11986938
 
Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind
What is mindfulness all about?  In the simplest sense, we all develop from time to time, thinking patterns that do not serve us well.  When we do, we are easily "triggered" -- having non-constructive reactions to specific words or actions based on prior experiences.  We've all been there - resentment, pessimism, defensiveness, impatience, closed mindedness, distrusting, intolerance, confrontational, defeated... . Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind
 
TOOLS: How to stop a circular argument
It's happening again. The argument that just doesn't make sense  ? It can go on for hours, with them blaming you, criticizing you, attacking you, cornering you, lecturing you - essentially going on and on and on about how wrong/bad/cold/thoughtless/stupid you are. Being on the receiving end of one of these destroys your self esteem and inflicts major damage on the relationship. How do you stop them? read on
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0
 
US: Don't pick it up
It takes two to argue. I know at times it seems as though we don't have a choice, but we do. Learning to visualize things can help you recognize patterns much easier. Having the strength to not argue takes practice, but it is possible... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107
 
TOOLS: How to take a time out
So when you can't make it stop your best option is to get away. That means telling them you are taking a time out and walking out of the room, going to watch tv, read a book, take the dog (or just yourself) for a walk, go for a drive, or go work on a favorite hobby. My favorite is going to the bathroom for some privacy and time to think. But your want to do this in a way that doesn't make it worse.    
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0
 
TOOLS: Sleep interruption and deprivation---- how to handle.
Over the years many partners of those with BPD have mentioned the problems of trying to deal with arguments that start at bedtime, or arguments that start in the middle of the night.  Sometimes a BPD will awaken a non after he/she has had a dream and will argue about a dream.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63454.0
 
TOOLS: Jealousy how to deal with a jealous partner
Jealousy creates a very hostile and uncomfortable environment, for both people. Each one suffers, though in different ways. Trying to stop it before it gets out of control is very important, since once it becomes an ingrained part of the relationship, it is very difficult and slow to change. Research shows much of the jealousy amongst couples stems from a lack of security in the relationship.        
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse
This workshop is to discuss one type of verbal or emotional abuse; the silent treatment. Verbal abuse, in general, is a means of controlling others. What is the difference between "silent treatment (silent raging)" and someone just being quiet?  
https://bit.ly/2AVcTVk
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330440.0
 
BPD Behaviors: Depression and suicide ideation
Serious depression can occur under many circumstances but most commonly is present in two situations - sudden severe loss and long-term high stress levels.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0
 
TOOLS: Domestic violence against women
MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."
FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.      

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0
 
TOOLS: Domestic violence against men
One fact to be remembered is that men can be victims of DV too. It is difficult for most men to come forward because often they are met with disbelief or insults concerning their masculinity. About 38% of DV is actually males as the victims of abuse by a female.  In addition to safety planning, it is important to protect yourself against false legal domestic violence charges that can result in jail time and can be used against you in a future divorce or custody disputes. When arguments get heated, if you restrain your partner (even if she is kicking, throwing things) or if you push or hold her (even if she is blocking you from leaving the room or a the house), you are at risk of a domestic violence charges.        
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0
 
questions:
 
* what feelings keep you trapped?
 
* do you understand how giving in to their emotional blackmail hurts you?
 
* what would you need to make the necessary changes to become stronger?
 
* if in that past you tried to set boundaries, but never kept them, do you think you started too big or with too many? What went wrong?
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« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2009, 02:49:10 PM »

Lesson 5
 
Finding inner strength and hope
 
Objective: to regain our confidence in ourselves
 
We get so worn down by the constant criticism and blame, that we feel powerless and alone. We come to believe the lies we are told. Finding a way out means working on regaining our sense of ourselves. We need to love ourselves more than we love them.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge. You will recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.

 
Tools: Putting all the lessons together
This is the wrap up. What have you learned about your loved one and about yourself? Here is a chance to explore all the areas together.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134
 
Success stories[/u]
There are stories here that would count as success's. We want to celebrate them and build upon them, so that others can gain inspiration that it "is" possible to make things better.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820
 
US: Believing in yourself
I think believing in yourself means knowing that you are doing the right thing. As easy as that sounds, sometimes it can be a struggle.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0
 
Us feeling exhausted and depressed
Being exposed and participating in constant conflict can lead to us feeling overwhelmed and depressed. There are a number of articles and workshops supporting you in this common problem. Remember you are not alone and posting of the board can sometimes help to relief pressure.
Read more: Test: How are you really?
 
Article: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts [Click Here]
 
Article: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking  [Click Here]
 
Article: Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking [Click Here]
 
Get out of the FOG
FOG is an acronym for FEAR, OBLIGATION, AND GUILT.  Simply said it’s EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.  It is common for the BPD to use emotional blackmail to get what they want/need.  Many times it is the only way they know how.  
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
 
BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence
We all come to a relationship with core values or independent values.  We also have values that we are prepared to blend with the other person in a relationship - these become inter-dependent values. There are three types of boundaries: Physical boundaries; Mental boundaries; Emotional boundaries.

Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of planning boundaries:[/i]
  • Clarify
  • Calculate costs
  • Come up with consequences
  • Create a consensus
  • Consider possible outcomes

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
 
Examples of boundaries
This thread is about "examples" of our values, our boundaries and how to defend our boundaries.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368
 
What does it mean to take care of yourself?
We hear it all the time - "take care of yourself"... .sadly, we often don't know what that means. Here's a chance to explore what taking care of yourself means... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0
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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2009, 01:19:01 PM »

Lesson 6
 
When everything else fails
 
b]Objective[/b]: To reinvigorate a broken relationship that has been damaged by stress, work, children or other distractions. Involves counseling oversight and both parties seeking to improve the marriage.
 
Note: This is not Trial Separation, where the goal is to test out divorce, not to renew the relationship.

 
Directions: Read through the following workshop on Therapeutic Separation paying particular attention to the method and the risks of this approach. [color]
 
Tools: Therapeutic Separation
This is the wrap up. What have you learned about your loved one and about yourself? Here is a chance to explore all the areas together.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141686
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« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2018, 06:04:31 AM »

Additional reading
 
Top Book Recommendations for Your Library [Click Here]
 
Video Library: 50 videos on Family and Borderline Personality Disorder [Click Here]
 
Pamphlet: Before you can make things a lot better, you have to stop making things worse. [Click Here]
 
Book: The High Conflict Couple - A Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation [Click Here]
 
Article: Characteristics of Healthy Relationships [Click Here]
 
Article: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability [Click Here]
 
Article: Treatment Methods for Borderline Personality Disorder [Click Here]
 
Article: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment  [Click Here]
 
Article: Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Treatment Therapy [Click Here]
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