Do you have a plan? You need one!

[BPDFamily]

We all have come together here to post about the disorder, ways to cope, technical topics, and benefit from the experiences of others who understand. Many of us just jump in and go with the flow, which is ok for a while, but like any journey, it helps to have a map and at least a basic plan.

Talk to us. Maybe we can help you organize a bit.

Some of the basics when starting up:

Dedicate 1 post, it doesn’t have to be long, to tell your story.  Identify the involved parties (e.g., children), the relationship arrangment, some defining events, and what brought you here.  This will help members better follow your future threads;
Fill in your member profile and link to the post above;

Select a Board to work on and do a quick “first read” of the Lessons - spend 30 minutes - just get a basic idea of it for now;

Buy one of the recommended foundational books.  You may not feel like reading right away, but it having is the first step to reading it;

[Express yourself!]

Express yourself!
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[bookmark123]

Hello, I’m new to the forum. Never used any sites like this before. Quick intro: Husband has undiagnosed BPD, he researched a couple years ago and for both of us was a eureka moment. Married 14 years, together 24. 3 children. It has been a rollercoaster and we are in crisis. He said he was leaving me (seemed definite this time), now he has done a 360 again and is putting it on me. Blaming me for having an ‘emotional affair’ with my friend group. He won’t join social events but resents me doing things with kids without him. I have gained in confidence in last year or so, realizing I am not selfish and I am a good person. I don’t want to let go of friendships but really need to make this marriage work for our children. I’m back to questioning myself all over again. He is a wonderful father and manages to remain present for them even when he is angry and non communicative with me. Is this typical BPD behavior? He says he is finally willing to see a psychiatrist but will not go to marriage counselor. To be honest, I don’t know that I could keep going with this if it weren’t for our children and today he said as much to me. Any feedback is welcome. I do not talk to anyone about our struggles. Thank you

[Sherann]

Your story sounds so familiar.  I'm married 26 years now.  3 kids, now adults.  But reading thru this was like reading my life. Husband just realized 6 months ago that he has 8 of the 9 BPD traits.  Do you see any of the behaviors in your children yet? Mine are 22, 18 and 17. My oldest and youngest struggle with undiagnosed mental health issues. They've done well to educate themselves though and watch and learn and empathize, so they are way ahead of the game in terms of awareness coping skills. Thank God.  But I can relate to part about being accused of having affairs.  We've purchased a couple DBT workbooks, now I'm playing the waiting game to see when he's going to actually dive into them.  I started the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and workbook,  which has been extremely helpful, yet painfully eye opening.

[bookmark123]

Thank you for reaching out. In answer to your question, my eldest has always been very emotional and sensitive and now entering early teen years. I am hoping it does not become more
of an issue. At the moment her moods are manageable. My youngest is still in a determined place with frequent tantrums. I think the culmination of the drama from kids may be why I am increasingly exhausted with coping with my husband’s drama. Some days I just have enough in me to deal only with the young ones. I also bought the eggshells book when we discovered BPD and yes, an eye opener. Perhaps I should try the workbook. I am sure I could benefit from therapy myself to get through this (never have had any in past) but this is not an affordable option for us right now as I don’t think health insurance would cover mine.

[Sherann]

This is my first time getting involved in a group setting, because much like you, therapy is not affordable. I'm finding even more expensive with therapists that are willing to treat BPD. It saddens me to think that therapy is a privilege and not a human right. But it feels good just having this exchange with you, someone who can relate. I can absolutely sympathize with you on not having the energy with your kids being fairly young still. It's a lot to juggle. I am grateful beyond words that my daughter became self aware of her own struggles at such a young age. I've found the Eggshells workbook incredibly helpful, personally.  It's been very reflective so far.  It's nice to see the areas that I've been handing right and painful to see where I may have been causing more damage than good. I'm not gonna beat myself up over it, but now trying to undo my damage has been exhausting in a whole new way.  At this point, the Eggshells workbook is really opening my eyes to how often I do walk on eggshells and now I'm in the process of claiming my life back while simultaneously trying to, in the nicest way possible, remind him that he'll be okay.  I think the most frustrating of all the drama I have to deal with is him constantly questioning whether or not there's someone else, when I've been faithful since day one!

[waterlilyjane]

Dedicate 1 post, it doesn’t have to be long, to tell your story.  Identify the involved parties (e.g., children), the relationship arrangment, some defining events, and what brought you here.  This will help members better follow your future threads;
My current situation:
My adult sister (with high conflict traits), my adult brother and I are in conflict regarding dealing with our elderly 88-yr-old mother.
My sister had our mom’s social worker reassigned and has been micromanaging our mother’s daily life at her assisted living facility.
My sister was sending my brother and me (and the facilities involved)so many messages (also blaming us for not following her wishes), that I’ve limited our communication to once a week.