My uBPD mother died from COVID yesterday.

[GeekyGirl]

So many emotions... sadness, relief, and pity. I'm actually feeling a bit guilty about the relief part.

We'd been basically NC for the better part of 10 years--which was her choice. I had reached out to her a few months ago to tell her that I'd moved and gave her my new address, and received a "F-off and don't contact me again" response. I tried.

The shock and awe is wearing off a little, but now I have so many other things to sort out. I've offered assistance to my brother and father to help with arrangements and the other stuff that comes with this.

I'm meeting with my T this week for some advice and a vent session. Any other advice or suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[babyducks]

I'm sorry for your loss.   My mother passed away in 2016 and it was ... well ... weird.      the barely functional / dysfunctional family did its dysfunctional stuff.   my brother refused to come.   my father was immature and dramatic.    I became overly responsible.    pretty much our typical roles now that I think about it.    and in the middle of all that was an undeniable tendril of real grief.   the person who birthed me was no longer on the planet.    and some real anger.    of the you-were-such-a-jerk-all-my-life kind.  I will say now years later - there is real peace.    Finally that experience is over, all in the past.    There is no more hurt to come from that source.

my condolences.

'ducks

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks so much, 'ducks. That brings me some relief.

I will say now years later - there is real peace.    Finally that experience is over, all in the past.    There is no more hurt to come from that source.

That's truly what I'm hoping for. Having a relationship with my estranged enabling father would be great too, but I'm not getting my hopes up. The grief that you described is definitely there, along with anger. My "all good" brother and SIL undoubtedly gave her Covid (they all had it themselves right before she caught it) and I'm trying to balance supporting him and being incredibly angry at him for not telling me that she was sick before minutes before she died. I was basically consoling him yesterday as he confessed that he had likely made her sick.

Ugh. Thanks. I know you get it.

[zachira]

My condolences on the loss of the mother you never really had most of the time. My mother with BPD passed away in 2019. At first it was a relief, than some of the most terrible sorrow imaginable because of how my siblings, sister with NPD and brother with BPD, took control of my mother in her last two years and then did not follow my mother's Will. The abuse by both of my siblings has continued to escalate now that my mom is not in the way to stop them. I say you can breathe a sign of relief that your mother can no longer hurt you while having the freedom to remember the good times without worrying about your mother using your positive emotions to take advantage of you. At the same time, do talk with your therapist about the kind of boundaries and awareness you may need to deal with how your other family members may treat you in the coming months and years. It is a whole new family dynamic, though much the same in some ways, with a key player, your mother, no longer in the picture. I learned after my mother died that some people with BPD go back and forth from having no empathy to having too much empathy, which can be misplaced empathy. I now feel free to remember the times when my mother was genuinely kind to me. I hope you have some good memories of your mother that will comfort you in the months and years to come.

[mggt]

So sorry for your loss.  Hugs