Couple of questions...

[MaroonLiquid]

     Let me start by saying that I have been posting on the "Staying" board because that is what I am working towards and ultimately want.  My uBPDw and I are currently "separated" (living in separate dwellings all at her request after a huge dysregulation 4 months ago that led to painting me black as night).  I have been against it, but had to get my own place due to her getting a house behind my back 4 months ago among other things (she has created a mess!  I will be there for her and help her though it but I won't fix it for her).  I am doing what I can (getting the help I need, working and focusing on myself), to help the marriage as I love her dearly.  We have been married for 5-1/2 years, (known each other for 12 and were best friends) and each have 3 (6 total) kids by a previous marriage.  With that said, I was sent to this board because I have a couple of questions about the kids side of things regarding parental alienation to better help me deal with this issue.  

    A little background on "her" three.  I usually don't call them hers (we always called all six of them ours), but I understand in the eyes of the law (biologically), I have "no rights" as it stands.  We have talked many times about me adopting them and I was always willing as she has always said I am a great Dad and Father.  Their dad is a complete deadbeat who is over 30,000 dollars behind in child support and has seen them a whopping grand total of 3 hours in 6 years.  They have called me dad, and I have basically raised them through their most important years.  They are currently S17, D16, and D12.  I see know how her BPD traits are affecting their lives and it is hard.  When I came into their life, they were 10, 9 and 5.  Over the years whenever my wife would dysregulate, she would alienate them from me.  I understood why she did this even though I didn't know about BPD at the time.  Now, during the "separation", she has lied on me to them, told me to stay away "from her family", don't come to their school functions (won't tell me when they are either) and don't text the kids unless I have her permission, etc.  I know it is a control issue, but with her instability, I don't want to be accused of stalking or worse, and have a restraining order put on me.  I want my actions to show that I am the stable one and that they don't need to fear me or that I will abandon them too.  I did send my daughter a card for her birthday (Sunday she turned 16YO) and told her that I loved her and would love to spend time with the three of them when they are ready.  I am trying not to put any pressure on them as they are caught in the middle of a very tough situation and don't want to make it worse for them.  The last time I saw them (7 weeks ago), I was always very calm, composed (which I have been the whole four months of our separation as I've really changed), and just tried to be there for each of them.  My wife dysregulated (kids were not present) due to having to deal with her emotions about me not going on the trip this week.  She accused me of having an affair to her family (not sure if the kids were told this or not).  :)o y'all have any suggestions on how to handle the parental alienation part of the equation?

    As far as "my three" (D Almost 12, D11 and S5), they haven't seen her in almost 7 weeks as she was giving me the silent treatment after the last rage.  I had set a boundary that said if I was mistreated, I wouldn't contact or speak to her until she respected that boundary.  The last few times I've had them, they are expressing missing her and the kids and keep asking when they can see them.  I just tell them they have had prior plans.  Two weeks prior to her dysregulation 7 weeks ago, she raged at me and kicked my kids and I out of her house and made them cry.  Part of them not seeing her is to protect them from her issues until we start counseling next week (don't want to give my ex any ammunition to take me to court), but I have tried to include her several times lately for ice cream, etc. (non threatening environments) and she says that she would love to see them and then says no (punishing me).  A few days ago she went on a cruise to celebrate my daughter's sweet 16 (I was supposed to be on that trip but during her huge dysregulation 4 months ago, cut me out of it).  She and the kids will be back tomorrow, and before she left, she talked to them several times and told them she loved them.  I have told "my 3" that she has some stuff from childhood that she needs to deal with and that her anger is not about me or them and that she really does love them.  My question on this is, how should I handle this with my wife and "my three"?  

    One issue I know is there is some hard feelings (jealousy maybe?) there (I know it isn't about my kids, but about the court system) as I pay $1400 dollars a month in child support and never missed a payment (taken out of my check at my request) and they won't hold her ex-husband to anything and he is always "gets away with it" in her eyes.  The court system is really screwed up and understand her frustration completely, but I have told her repeatedly that they have a dad who loves them, cares for them and protects them, so try and stop putting so much emotional and physical energy into something you can't change.

    I hope this has made sense, and thanks for your help guys.

[Matt]

Wow, a lot to deal with... .

Kind of similar to my own situation.  Married 12 years, 2 biokids and 2 stepkids.  When we separated they were SS29, SD17, D10 and S8.  My stepkids had asked me many times, "What will happen to us if you and Mom get a divorce?", and I had always told them, "We're not going to get a divorce, but no matter what would happen, I'll always be here for you."  SS calls me ":)ad" - his biodad is nowhere to be found.  SD calls me "Matt" because her biodad is around, but he rarely sees her;  when she talks about "my parents" she means her mom and me.

When we separated, I continued my relationships with them the best I could.  SS was already on his own and I have continued to support him - we have a much, much closer relationship than he has with his mom.  (She was abusive when he was little, and is very distant with him now - just goes through the motions and isn't really very helpful to him.)  SD sees her mom as a victim;  she's always respectful and appreciative toward me but doesn't stay in touch - now in graduate school.

The biokids went through a difficult time when we separated.  I made sure to see them almost every day, and we settled on 50/50, but over time they spent more and more time with me - now S16 lives with me and rarely sees his mom, and D18 splits her time.

A few things that might help... .

First, put some quality thought into self-care.  This is very stressful stuff, and whatever you do, it won't always work - you can't make this all good.  So consider counseling (helped me a lot), daily cardiovascular exercise, and anything else that might help you manage your stress - music, meditation, regular sleep, etc.  Don't wait til you melt down (as I did) - take positive steps to learn about managing stress and put it into action.  You probably don't fully realize how much risk you are in - I didn't til the weight of it all broke me down and I realized I needed help.  Nothing wrong with me except I'm human and can only take so much.

Second, I would suggest ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  A powerful and practical approach to dealing with alienation.  Don't be passive and wait to see if things will get bad - then it's too late.  Learn how to deal with it before it takes root.

Also, consider counseling for your biokids, not to fix what's wrong with them - nothing is wrong with them - but to help them learn how to deal with stuff better.

Finally, I would just suggest that you make every effort to establish and maintain consistent, positive communication with your stepkids.  Maybe start with the oldest and work from there.  At 17 he probably has a phone, and texts a lot, and uses e-mail, Facebook messages, etc.  He probably also stays up later than his mom.  There's no reason you can't talk with him every day or evening - ask how he's doing - help with his homework - be a dad to him the same as if you lived in another city.  Meet up with him if possible - dinner once a week, or go to a movie, or whatever.  Don't try to "win him over to your side";  minimize discussion of his mom, the separation, etc.  Ask him mostly about himself, and then about the other stepkids, and tell him how your biokids are doing.  Your goal is to be there for him, and make sure he knows you care about him, and that you care about all six kids.

Then maybe similarly with the younger stepkids.  If their mom blocks your contact, keep trying, and do whatever you can to gather evidence that she is doing that.  For example, if you are e-mailing the kids, and she tells you not to, or tells them not to, document that.  It might come in handy at some point.  Keep trying, so the kids all know that you are doing what's right - right for them.  Don't give up, even if you're getting nowhere - keep making every attempt to maintain and build relationships with each kid, in a 100% positive way.

It may not "work" - you may wake up someday and have no regular contact with the stepkids - but they will all be adults pretty soon, and then they can make their own choices.  Sooner or later, it's likely they will be open to relationships with you, and the fact that you always did the right thing - they'll remember that and it will make all the difference.

[ForeverDad]

I pay $1400 dollars a month in child support and never missed a payment (taken out of my check at my request)

Unless you're independently wealthy, I would suggest you not do anything to obligate yourself to support her and in effect her behaviors toward you.  At the least try to keep it viewed legally as Gifts and not child support.  In other words, keep your future obligations limited until you know how the joint or marital counseling will turn out.  She's painted you black yet the money keeps coming.  So what incentive is there for her to change?  She's  getting perks and can still treat you however she wishes.  That's why I say, don't paint yourself into a corner with obligations that legally are not yours.

You're not punishing the children, you can still offer to take the kids places or out for dinners or movies, etc.  Maybe in time you can help with their college or other expenses that don't obligate you to 'pay' benefits to her.

I'm not trying to rain on the reconciliation and reunification parade, it's just the fact that she's booted you out yet still wants the benefits as before.  She sees no difference between her before and after situation despite blacklisting you and kicking you out so why should she change?  That's probably how she sees it.  Do you see that?

And I admit it's tough, how do you help the children without rewarding her for poor behaviors?  Take the time to figure out ways that you can help them without enabling her or unfairly obligating yourself.

I have told "my 3" that she has some stuff from childhood that she needs to deal with and that her anger is not about me or them and that she really does love them.

Do y'all have any suggestions on how to handle the parental alienation part of the equation?

Be cautious about saying she loves them, it could be very confusing to them, even invalidating.  Yes, she is messed up, but it may be too adult of a concept for them to hear "she loves you" but also see what's she's doing that is the opposite.  She does need to take ownership of her behaviors, without that and without consequences it will be hard for her to see a need to change.  After all, you've known her for some 12+ years and she has only gotten worse, to the point of being separated now.

Question:  I notice that you've been married over 10 years.  Does your state place any importance on longer marriages such as ones over 10 years, perhaps being more willing to award long term support to the financially disadvantaged spouse?  Maybe she was careful not to rage too much until she was past the 10 year threshold so she could lock in the court's policy for longer marriages?  Just wondering.

I agree that Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison is an excellent resource.  A major way to help, if/when you get access to the children again, is to validate there observations and conclusions.  Validation is hugely important, their entire lives they've only known their mother to be predictably unpredictable and consistently inconsistent.  One minute up is up and down is down, then something flips her mood or feelings and suddenly up is down and down is up.  Kids who live with that over time come to doubt their own perceptions and "go with the flow" being confused, helpless and malleable in their thoughts, perceptions and conclusions.

I'm sure those years with you in their lives has helped them, but they still saw poor examples, notably their mother's chaos and demands, but also your efforts in vain to be peacemaker and (too often) appeaser.  Although you feel they may not realize it, but standing up to her and not continuing as her willing focus and target is a good example for them.  They may not know how to express it now but in years to come they may confide in you that your example gave them strength to improve themselves despite her efforts to sabotage their growing into capable and empowered adults.

I don't want to be accused of stalking or worse, and have a restraining order put on me.

This is a valid concern.  Separation time is when TROs or TPOs are most likely to be used as weapons or custody maneuvers.  Custody probably isn't a legal issue (unless you adopt them) and neither is child support but your contact with her could flip her in a moment and she could make wild allegations against you.  Sadly, the law is "Violence Against Women Act", not "Violence against Relationship Partners Act.  The laws scrupulously avoid giving official preference to one gender, claiming to be gender neutral, but in effect women often get default preference anyway.  Be aware.  Beware.  Many here have learned to take out arrest/restraining insurance.  It's called, "recording yourself anytime you're around the other person so you can prove you're not the one behaving badly".  I ended up with 3 voice recorders since I was literally terrified (as happened sometimes) that a recorder was misplaced, full or the batteries had lost charge.  I did it quietly on the sly, nothing shoved in her face, but I simply had to protect myself.

[MaroonLiquid]

To clarify, I pay 1400 a month to my ex wife (Mother of my  biological three)., not my wife now.  My wife  now has 3 from her previous  marriage (so 6 total between us).  Her ex is 30,000 behind in support and doesn't have anything to do with his kids (why they call me dad).  Her distortion campaign is alienating her kids from me and it's sad because she is hurting them.  As far as "supporting" my wife during the separation, I don't and don't have to.  Our bills are separated.  She wanted the separation, and it is costing her dearly financially.  Because I took care of the finances before, I tried to warn her during her dysregulation 4 months ago that she would be in over her head because I kept good records about where our money went.  She was so far dissociated from reality that she couldn't see past her nose.  I am letting her taste her choices and she hates it because I am standing up for myself.  Didn't in the past.  Hope this makes it more clear.

[Thunderstruck]

I find it interesting that you label her ex as a deadbeat that doesn't want anything to do with the kids, yet you say she's actively alienating you from the kids... .Don't you think she could have (and probably did) alienate them from their bio dad first?