Getting Help

[Bestill]

I got here because I was mentoring someone newly diagnosed with BPD.  I have stayed because I strongly suspect my adult son has BPD.  I continue to read on this board.  Tomorrow I go to see a counselor for tools and skills to deal.  I am finding Alanon meetings and other 12-Step meetings are helpful in dealing with my co-dependency, setting boundaries, and living one day at a time.  I don't see my son every day as many on here do. Things seem relatively calm at the moment but I know that could easily change.  I know that it is his life to live, but I am so sad and grieving for what he has to deal with on a daily basis, that I didn't understand sooner, and for the many things he will possibly miss.  He acts in instead of out - isolates, turns feelings inward.  He sees a therapist for past family issues, depression, and anxiety. I would love to know if she has made this diagnosis but have no contact.  I just want to learn some tools for interacting better with him and encouraging without enabling.  I have much to learn.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi again Bestill 

There is much to learn regarding skills to improve your relationship with your son.

The side bar contains most all of it so that would be a place to start.  Have you thought about what your goals are specifically? 

In times of high emotional reactions from your son how do you respond?

We can provide support to you while you learn.



lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Bestill,

My son is inward acting as well, with depression/anxiety (he's 13). I don't know if he is BPD, or if he will develop it, but I use the skills/tools here and try to read everything I can. His father is BPD (we are divorced) and I suspect my son is genetically predisposed to be emotionally sensitive -- he feels things more quickly than others, more intensely, and it takes him longer to return to baseline. He uses video games to numb himself.

Your son may be pre-clinical BPD, or have BPD traits. Even if your son does not meet the criteria for diagnosis, he will benefit from your knowledge and understanding of how he thinks and feels. My son has come a long way in part because I have changed how I interact with him. Have you read about SET? (Support, Empathy, Truth). This is a good skill to have -- we have a tendency to go straight to truth, or straight to defending our boundaries. People who are emotionally sensitive have a greater need for support and empathy -- validation. And people who love someone who is emotionally sensitive needs good boundaries  

The hardest thing for me was learning to approach my son with as little judgment as possible. I developed a mindset of curiosity toward him, and this created a big shift in tone between us. It hasn't "cured" him, but it created the conditions for healing, for both of us. I used to worry about him a lot, and he experienced this as me being chronically disappointed in him. He says he feels respected by me.

I have learned so much about emotions from him, he's actually my biggest teacher  

[Bestill]

My counselor experience today wasn't that great.  I have actually learned more here. She was all about boundaries and truth and not much on empathy and support.  She said they usually don't get better. 

I have read about SET and quite a bit of the information on the site.  My son doesn't tend to have high emotional responses with me personally but does at work and towards his dad, who he does not see.  He may tell me about these events but seems to turn his emotions inward.

Again, he is 39 and lives alone.  Typically is it better they live alone or with someone?  I feel if he should live with me again I would become so enabling that it would not be good for him.  Typically, we may call or text two or three times a week and he comes over for family dinner on the weekends, but that is usually the extent of our interaction.  My son does the video games, too.  Any thoughts?

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry that the counselor wasn't more helpful and hopeful Bestill. 

Isolating through withdrawal and video games isn't helpful for depression and pwBPD tend to fear being alone.  Their lack of object constancy usually drives them to befriend others and seek out any kind of relationship healthy or not.

It sounds like you and your son have a healthy amount of communication for adults. My d is 18 and we talk/text about the same amount as you and your son typically and see each other twice a week.  What do these times of communication and togetherness look like with your son?  During visits does he talk to you about his feelings, fears, goals or is it much lighter conversation?

You might find the information in this article interesting:  Age: Do the symptoms of BPD improve/worsen with age?

[Bestill]

My son and I do have a good relationship.  We usually talk about his week, things going on with his job, and sometimes he talks about his visit with his counselor. 

I suspect he is not the typical borderline, as he tends to isolate, only has a couple of close friends he does things with.  He does seem to wear out his sponsors though that he has through his recovery groups.  At times he is exceedingly responsible but then will have those times he doesn't go to work and seems to ignore what the consequences could be, then becomes very anxious upon going back to work.  At times his verbal responses in social situations are more like someone in their early 20s than someone who is almost 40.  He has a degree in music but doesn't make a living with his degree.  He does have the opportunity to play almost weekly, however, which is very positive for him.  Most of his anger revolves around situations at work, which is boring to him, and past issues with his dad.   His live is so sad to me.