Im not sure where I stand with my BPD S/O. Should i contact again?

[cm3557]

I am confused and trying to cope.  My marriage was on the rocks when I met this amazing guy.  Completely swept me off my feet. (all the warning signs were there).  He said he was madly in love with me, that he'd never felt this way before... .coaxed me to let my guard down and open up.  To trust him, be vulnerable, be open.  "Not let this opportunity pass and jump in!"  Our connection was amazing and magnetic and we had the most whirlwind romance.  Of course there were all his mood upsets, push/pull tactics... .I was in way over my head and didn't want to let it go even though i new he was bad news. He even told me he was messed up and hurts everyone who gets close and that i shouldnt waste my time with him.  But then if i even pulled away a little he would freak out and do/say anything to get me to engage further and deeper into the relationship. He said that he wished I was available to fully be his, he wanted to marry me and have me move into his apartment.  I actually started entertaining these ideas and imaging/fantasizing about our future against my better judgment.  He had been divorced earlier in the year and we felt that our spouses had been very similar and a mismatch for us... .but we were what both of us had been looking for and missing! He was helping me sort through feelings of leaving my husband and said i wouldn't have to worry about anything financially, he would help and be there for me,  and to move in with him.  I instead decided to get my own room in a house 4 blocks from his and we were both excited to have more freedom to be together and that i'd be living so close.  he was so supportive loving and kind. The *DAY BEFORE* i was supposed to move he told me that he didn't "trust me"  that he didn't think i loved him.  That i was lying about everything and accused me of dating other men behind his back and being with former lovers, and that  i was lying about my relationship with my best male friend just being "friendship"... .he said that he sees himself in me and he can tell all the "things im doing"  and the "games im playing"... .he cut me down, questioned my character... .he then shuffled me out of his house like a worthless piece of crap.  I was crying and devastated telling him that i really did love him!  He sent me a text later that night telling me he wished he could just end his life.  (not the first time he talked about being suicidal to me). I wrote him a kind/concerned email the next day... .and WHY I DO NOT KNOW... .apologizing for not seeing his perspective during that conversation or really hearing him.  I actually started to *believe* that maybe i had done something and what he was saying about me was true. i told him i didn't want to stop seeing him and that i was there for him.  and to let me know if he wanted to talk. i thought this was just another one of his push away moments where he would apologize the next day and tell me how he was just scared, send me a love song and ask to "try last night again".  I've heard nothing from him.  Im dying.  I feel so hurt and betrayed.  I left my husband and he cut me off all within 24 hours. I don't know whether to contact him again?  And another part of me just wants to hurt him and get get back at him for his blatant betrayal, lies and manipulations.  I feel crazy and don't know what to do.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

CM--I like others here have some idea how horrible that feels. And it's not unusual. Which is mindblowing in itself.

I think one rough aspect for you will be that it's unlikely he's gone for good. Having turned your life and expectations on their head, he will probably come back around with a desire to re-engage in some fashion. (Not a guarantee, just a probability. He's exerted some control over the situation by withdrawing, and now it will feel better to come back.) If you're like me it will be hard not to accord those sentiments a lot of power. So meanwhile, it's super important to figure out your own values in a relationship dynamic like this, with extreme push-pull features. There's lots to read here that can help with that.

I'm sorry for your undoubted extreme pain.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Do NOT contact that man!

Girl... .you are in extreme emotional pain from the abuse you suffered.

Have you found a therapist? Find someone if you can to help you work through this.

I'm going to send you a private message that may also help you more.

[FlSunshineGirl]

And he's projecting onto you what he's done to others or has been doing to you.

Run and don't look back!

[Jessica84]

If it feels like he flipped a switch overnight, he did. The same switch can be pulled again to turn it back on. Imagine a child panicking at the door, flicking a light switch. While he's flickering, you would do well to stay as calm and focused on YOU as possible.

The worst thing you can do right now, but probably the most natural, is to take this personally. Very understandable. Keep in mind though... .While it feels like it's about you, it's really not. It's about him. Leaving your husband suddenly made your relationship a possibility, where before it was more like an unattainable dream for him. Give him time to come to terms with this new reality. Don't reach out to him or you could risk pushing him further away. In the meantime, take care of you and figure out the direction you want to take your life. And keep reading the lessons here so you can be prepared for if/when he does return.

[cm3557]

He just made contact with me like nothing has happened. What do I say?

I feel like saying "don't have this number saved, who is this?"

Or "... ."

Or "that's not how this works"

Or just nothing.

[Jessica84]

He just made contact with me like nothing has happened. What do I say?

I feel like saying "don't have this number saved, who is this?"

Or "... ."

Or "that's not how this works"

Or just nothing.

I understand your anger and frustration. Relationships with people who have BPD or BPD traits can be extremely difficult. But they can also improve when we learn to communicate better with the tools on this site. One of the biggest things I had to learn (and am still learning) is "Before you make anything better, you must stop making it worse." Even harder to stop taking things personally.

Responding in one of the ways you listed will likely make things worse.

You have to decide what your goals are for this relationship. Would you like to improve this relationship? Take a break from it? Or do you want to end it? This is all up to you. You must decide this first to know how best to proceed. Read the lessons and post your questions here. There are many people here who can help you. Best of luck!

[Jessica84]

Have you read the lessons on the right side of this screen? That is a great place to start.

[gah]

I think one rough aspect for you will be that it's unlikely he's gone for good. Having turned your life and expectations on their head, he will probably come back around with a desire to re-engage in some fashion. (Not a guarantee, just a probability. He's exerted some control over the situation by withdrawing, and now it will feel better to come back.)

I'm new and going through a similar experience - what do you mean by exerted control by withdrawing? 

[patientandclear]

Control seems to be hugely important to many pwBPD.  This article, which I am suddenly linking to a lot, has a great explanation of why this is:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

The person who withdraws now has control of whether the relationship continues (not truly, as the other person can also quit, but typically, it feels to both like the person who withdraws now gets to decide).  That feels better.  It may be a way to manage anticipated pain from abandonment.  It also allows him to regulate the feeling of being "taken over" that the article describes so well.

CM, what you're experiencing now is the "order to the disorder" that people sometimes speak about around here.  After withdrawals, if you haven't blown anything up with your responses, very often, the feelings of the pwBPD will stabilize and they will feel back in control (see above) and able to re-engage.

I still have a lot of regret that I knew nothing of this when my ex pulled away from what had been a very sweet and tender relationship to that point.  I was shocked and reacted in ways I now know made it a lot worse.  Had I just sat it out we would probably have continued on together for quite a while.

That said, the article I quoted above recommends not allowing standard BPD coping mechanisms like withdrawal to go unaddressed.  How to address withdrawal is one of the hardest challenges it seems to me -- it doesn't lend itself to taking a time out or removing yourself from the situation, as do rages and verbal abuse.  One frequent poster here has related that she once told her BPDh that she'd let him return once.  But that if he ever left again, she'd been done.  He hasn't repeated it.

As Jessica said, not experiencing this as a personal rejection is key.  It wasn't.  That doesn't resolve what you want to do about it given that the behavior is likely to repeat at some point.

[bt]

Hi i'm new also to this wonderful site it helped me a lot to understand what is all about BPD after my ex fiancee who is still undiagnosed and untreated since he wasn't yet consulting a psychiatrist or a psychologist even how hard his family advised him of doing this for him to get better.He  abruptly dumped and cut all kinds of communication between me and him,his family tried to discussed with him about our relationship but he never wanted to talk about it and never want his family or friends talking about me or even saying my name.its so painful and devastating that the person I love and care for seems doesnt care and love me anymore; its been 2 mos. that we did not see each other and without communication, I miss him so bad.I love him so much and want him back in my life .I do not know if when will he get better again and he will contact me, im just waiting.