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[Independentme]

I've been married for 27 years and have three girls. From the outside some might think of our family as having a prefect life. Two girls in college one in a gifted and talented program in middle school, nice house and the appearance of a great marriage.  My husband was diagnosed two months ago with BPD. While I know  now this was an issue since he was a child. The signs should have been more evident to me 5 years ago when his father passed away and shortly after he quit his job.  He was a police offer for many years.  When I was first married to him there were signs; extremely controlling, jealous and a bit obnoxious at times.  You're probably wondering why I made the decision to marry him? I was 19 years old my parents were having marital issues themselves and my husband came on strong like a night in shinning armor (5 years older than me) and loved me intensely. I was his angel and his world (literally). Naturally, I presumed his jealously and controlling nature was out of his immense love for me and fear that I may find someone better than him.  So in my young mind, marrying him would surely convince him I was committed, then fast forward surely having children would convince him of my commitment etc. etc.  Long story short,  he has attempted suicide on multiple occasions. I question his true motives, is he trying to control me from leaving him and putting on this act to get my attention.  I finally found a therapist that understands his condition. This last episode of attempted (threatened) suicide has placed him in a behavioral health center in-voluntarily.  We are about to lose our house because of his inability to hold a job and reckless spending habits.  He has caused unnecessary drama at my workplace too because he found a way to get a job in my office! I may have to leave my job, due to his behavior. I'm in a very high level position and can't afford the visibility of instability.  He has blamed me for him being placed "in jail" as he calls it at this behavioral health center for 5 days.  I have read that hospitilzation may be counter productive for BPD sufferers. He claims he doesn't belong in that place with all of "those people" and I am partially to blame for not meeting his emotional needs.  I'm at wits end. In the course of at least these 5 worst years, I  have developed anxiety and a gastrointestinal disorder due to the stress.  My logical mind tells me to leave him. How can I leave someone so helpless, the father of our three wonderful well rounded girls and my partner for 27 years?  I fear he will turn the kids against me stalk me, destroy my reputation at work. He has already destroyed my credit. I do care for him and there are times (although growing less frequent) where I see the good in him and feel the love we once had. 

Feeling helpless, I no longer want to be a codependent.  I want to claim my independence for the sake of my family.

Any guidance would be humbly appreciated.

Wishing you all hope and peace.

Independentme.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxen]

hi Independentme and first, i'm terribly sorry for the pain your in now. many of the behavior patterns you describe are typical of BPD, as I know because i saw some of them in my own marriage. here there is a community of posters who have seen BPD from every angle and will understand the frustrations involved.

it sounds from your OP as though you would like to remain in your relationship, though this is getting harder. we have a board dedicated to those in your place. there are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder can develop. people with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I, but there is an order and the rationale within that perception. the members at [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner are very good at helping apply these principles to everyday life problems. The educational material on the right hand side of that page is based on the work from leading experts in the disorder. we also have a wealth of resources: one reading about co-dependency is https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Independent me, do you have a support system for yourself, a counselor or friends who see what's up? please have a look those links and consider posting your story at the Staying board. welcome again!

[married21years]

sorry bud, mirrors a lot of my experiences.

unless they want treatment it doesn't really work.

all you can do is read and get therapy for yourself.

good luck we are all in the same boat. we have to stop rescuing them from their bad decisions and let them deal with their own issues while being supportive.

very tricky but with support and guidance it is possible