Waiting game

[infiniteeyes]

Coming into our second week and still waiting on a bed to become available for DD16.

She has been moved from pillar to post over the course of the last 11 days and I feel for her. She is fed up of living out of bags and says she just wants somewhere to be able to unpack for good.

She has been staying between temporary accomodation and a youth village until she is placed.

The delay is due to lots and lots of paper work and reports that the admissions panel for the support unit require 

They also have to way up my daughters needs against the needs of the others already living there.

I am happy that things are being done properly but at the same time am anxious to get things finalised.

There are two places on offer, both about 2 hours drive so not too bad.

We get to see her on friday afternoon. I am excited for that as it will be 2 weeks by then.

She did try to do a runner from her temp accomodation on friday night. She was caught. She was not aggressive or violent, which was a relief. Just wanted to come home and planned on walking the whole way here (about 80km!)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

The waiting game is tough.  I'm really happy to hear that you were finally able to get your DD in to the process of RTC placement.  I really hope it benefits you both, and am really keeping my fingers crossed! 

[infiniteeyes]

Going to visit DD tomorrow in her temporary accomodation.

Excited/nervous. Taking LO4 with me too.

It looks like it might be another week or two until she gets her placement finalised but at least now I know where it is. It will be about 2 and half hours journey from here. Roll on until I can rest knowing she is getting a chance to settle somewhere and let the progress begin x

[infiniteeyes]

Hi 

Visit with DD16 went well. We went for something to eat, amusements and then back the house where she is staying.

Good news is that her placement is confirmed and she starts on Monday morning. DD was very subdued today. I put this down to the meds she is on and also the fact she was in the emergency room in the middle of the night. She has a torn ligament from when she was tree climbing during her break away programme 

It was emotional leaving her again and DD4 was upset going to bed tonight. One day at a time x

[lbjnltx]

It's tough, walking away and leaving your child in the hands of others.

 While knowing that it is for her benefit and done with hope. 

Keep us posted and let us know what the program offers and how it is beneficial for her and your family.

lbj

[infiniteeyes]

DD tried again to run from the temporary accomodation tonight. She is now in police custody. Thank Heavens she is safe. Residential starts tomorrow and so I was kind of expecting this to happen.

[infiniteeyes]

So DD16 has been in her residential programme (finally) for 5 days now   

It is a great relief for us both that she now knows where she will be staying for the forseeable and will have a chance to get back into education and hobbies.

There are 4 kids in total in the home. 2 older girls and a younger boy.

She has only tried to leave once so far and was taken back 20 mins later.

I am going to visit her on monday. It is 2 and a half hours travelling so I am a little anxious but looking forward to seeing her.

She has gone from one extreme to the other (typical of my DD) over the course of the first week, from thinking the place is great and wanting to stay forever to hating it there and describing it as "like a prison"

Im hoping as she settles she will stabilise to a happy medium somewhere between the two!

Its very early days but just wanted to write to document how things are going 

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the update infiniteyes.

It is such a relief to know that our kids are safe and in the hands of people who know how to handle them (and we don't have to deal with a crisis tonight).

Enjoy the peace and relief this brings your way. 

[infiniteeyes]

First visit with DD yesterday in the residential.

Seems like a nice enough place. She has a nice bedroom. The staff were very accomodating and friendly.

Social worker has told me that DD16 will not be getting home at all for Christmas. I was expecting that but had still held out hope. I understand their reasoning but it is still heartbreaking  :'( :'(

We went out to the local shopping centre for something to eat and I bought a few bits and pieces and went for something to eat.

She is still very much in denial. Telling staff that she doesnt know why she is there. Blaming everyone else. Except me for a change, which is refreshing. I am being painted white at the moment (splitting) so I will enjoy it while it lasts   

They have noticed her psychosomatic symptoms after only a week (complaining off random pains/sickness and requesting alot of painkillers)

They have commented on her general untidiness. So the staff are certainly getting to know my daughters ways already. She has still not started school but it is in the pipelines. She is doing kickboxing and going to the gym. She looks brilliant and I noticed her smiling and laughing again which was lovely to see 

[infiniteeyes]

Well its been almost 3 weeks now since DD moved into her residential.

In that time she has been admitted to emergency room 3 times, twice for injuries she did while doing sports, once for suicidal dialogue to the staff.

The injuries my DD claims to have are always exaggerated and always end up being mysteriously better within a day or two. Psychosomatic?

When one of the other residents said something threatening to her she freaked out and refused to stay there saying she felt unsafe, despite reassurances by the staff that there would be someone on waking duty over night to keep and eye and an offer for a member of staff to sit outside her room. She was not happy enough with that so she was seen by the dr and referred to emergency room for psych assessment.

While at hospital her carer fell asleep from exhaustion at 5am in the morning having been on duty since 12 that afternoon. DD left the hospital but returned an hour later with tea and chocolate she had bought! The police had already been called.

On her return to the unit the following day, she discoverd that some cds and any glass objects had been removed from her room to prevent her trying to hurt herself. DD flew into a rage and headbutted a hole in her bedroom wall.

She tells staff that it is them and the place where she is making her feel suicidal. I told them that when home it is me and our home that makes her feel suicidal. They found this interesting to know.

Staff feel maybe she should be allowed home for a visit even just for a couple of hours, supervised if neccessary. They also feel it would be unfair not to allow her to come home for Christmas, either overnight or a few hours on Christmas Day.They feel she needs to be given a chance to prove herself and given something to work towards. She tells them daily that she misses home and her family. Social worker is oppossed to this idea totally. Im torn on the idea. What do you guys think? Too soon?

[mimi99]

What a draining and frustrating time this must be for you. Hopefully your d will get the help she needs while she is there. I'm sure you would love to have her home for Christmas, but is this really a good idea? It seems interesting to me that the staff says she should be given an opportunity to prove herself. With 3 hospital trips, suicidal talk, rage resulting in a hole in the wall, and sneaking off when a caregiver fell asleep, it seems to me that she has proven herself already. She has proved that she is unstable and needs help, no matter what she says. By rewarding her unstable behavior with a visit home, she is just being reinforced that she will get what she wants whether she is following the rules or not.

Maybe I am misinterpreting your comments, so please forgive me if I seem harsh. I was told that the only way that we learn is by experiencing consequences. If there are no consequences, what is the lesson? That any behavior is ok? Consequences don't guarantee a change in behavior, but no consequences pretty much guarantee that things will remain the same. The old saying in recovery is "If nothing changes, nothing changes"

For my d24 holidays and family gatherings are a stressor, and she disregulates quickly in the presence of her siblings and/or a large group of visitors. The day never ends well and someone always leaves in tears. This is one of the reasons that she did not participate in our family Thanksgiving this year. It was bittersweet, as I feel deep sadness that our family is fractured but relief that our holidays are now drama-free.

Good luck with your difficult decision making. I wish you peace during this holiday season

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

My overall concern is that the staff at this facility is so easily manipulated by your daughter's behaviors and lack the knowledge/skills to deal with her.

Home visits are earned through progress and responsible behaviors. 

[raytamtay3]

Hi infiniteeyes.  I know how much you want you DD home for Christmas, but I have to agree with what others have said, that she has proven already that she is not ready.  I know this from experience with my own DD.  The first holiday mine came home, she stayed out the entire time without my consent.  I think you DD is a flight risk at the present time.  I would strongly advise against letting her come home this soon.  Trust me when I say, I completely understand how heartbreaking it is... . 

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you all for your replies!

Mimi99 I dont think you sound harsh at all, only realistic. That is part of why I look for advise here because I know you will be honest with me and not just tell me what I want to hear.

Lbj is right too I am concerned about the motives of the staff pushing for her to come home for the holidays.

Perhaps they would just prefer her home as DD will be the only resident there otherwise.

And thanks raytamtay3 for finding the time to reply despite your own struggles.

I guess I need to stop seeing things through rose-tinted glasses and accept the facts.

This is the first time my DD has been away from home and so I guess you guys have alot you can teach me! And I am very grateful for that.

I have since found out that what the other girl in the unit had said to my DD was not as threatening as what my DD had me believe and certainly didnt warrant (in my eyes only) for my DD to be feeling so unsafe.

I will keep you all updated 

[infiniteeyes]

Hi all

Its been a while since I posted here.

DD16 is still in residential unit.

She had an overnight visit home over Christmas. There were no problems. It was highly emotional and she struggled with having to return but she managed it and did well.

However now a new problem has surfaced and I need some advice please?

DD has been extremely unhappy since her visit at Christmas. There was an episode of self harm, solvent abuse and one or two attemps at leaving, the most recent one ended up with a staff member following her in the car and it took her an hour to calm her down enough to return to the house.

None of this comes as any big surprise to me as those are the behaviours I would expect from her.

My social worker has now told my DD that it is entirely up to me as to when my DD returns home as it was a voluntry placement on my behalf. When she was been placed the social worker assured me that DD would not be returning home until they were"100% guaranteed" she was ready to do so.

From where Im coming from it looks as thought they are tired of trying to deal with her and so are hoping I will just cave in and take her home. Maybe Im wrong so thats where I would like some input?

Also its worth mentioning that DD has not returned to school since Christmas and is refusing to do so. She wants to do an alternative course which is mostly aimed at disadvantaged kids and drop outs.

Obviously now with this information my DD is hounding me to take her home and trying to convince me that she has changed. When I know she hasnt changed at all. Some of our exchanges have ended up with her telling me to go **** myself and telling me Im a bad mother among some other pleasantries. Im really at a loss as to how to handle all of this.

I know I need to go and visit her more often. My anxiety although improving has restricted my travelling. It is 2 and a half hours away and since i dont drive means relying on public transport. I have told her I will visit this weekend with DD4.

It feels like a loose/loose situation for me...

[infiniteeyes]

Hi

So I went to visit DD today at the residential. It took me 2 and half hours each way on a bus with my LO who is 4.

The day went well although we only had a few hours together before we had to catch the bus home. We went to the shopping centre and did a little bit of browsing and got a bite to eat.

We left on good terms with me telling her that I would be able to come and visit her more now that I had overcome my travel anxiety. She was, of course telling me that she has changed and really wants to return home. I told her that I would really like to see her returning to school this week so that she could show me that she can commit to something. She said she  was considering it.

But I made a massive mistake, before leaving I handed her some cash   

She said WOW you must be finally starting to trust me and I said I had to start to trust her sometime.

I know she is a smoker as am I (i know i know) and I had forgotten to buy her cigs so told her to use that.

What was I thinking?

Also as I think Ive mentioned she has been allowed some free time unsupervised away from the residential and told me she was going to meet up with some friends after we had left.

Low and Behold, she went and bought weed and was caught with it so the residential have informed the police.

She denied using the money I had given her and told me her "friend" had just given her enough for one "joint"

I told her straight that I didnt believe her and asked her to send me a picture of the money to prove she was telling the truth. She send me a pic of just some cash. I asked her to please send me a pic of her holding the money so I could be sure. She told me she was stoned and wanted to sleep so could I wait til tomorrow. I said no please send it now. At this stage I have realised I am being played like a fiddle and told her if my trust meant enough to her she would just admit it. She carried on refusing and projecting. I told her not to contact me again and I have blocked her off FACEBOOK! Believe me I know how immature this all sounds. I am just gutted, so so hurt.

I had a glimpse of happiness today and was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

But it didnt last long  :'(

[Eyeamme]

Ugh, I am so sorry. It feels awful. I know.

[raytamtay3]

Hi

So I went to visit DD today at the residential. It took me 2 and half hours each way on a bus with my LO who is 4.

The day went well although we only had a few hours together before we had to catch the bus home. We went to the shopping centre and did a little bit of browsing and got a bite to eat.

We left on good terms with me telling her that I would be able to come and visit her more now that I had overcome my travel anxiety. She was, of course telling me that she has changed and really wants to return home. I told her that I would really like to see her returning to school this week so that she could show me that she can commit to something. She said she  was considering it.

But I made a massive mistake, before leaving I handed her some cash    

She said WOW you must be finally starting to trust me and I said I had to start to trust her sometime.

I know she is a smoker as am I (i know i know) and I had forgotten to buy her cigs so told her to use that.

What was I thinking?

Also as I think Ive mentioned she has been allowed some free time unsupervised away from the residential and told me she was going to meet up with some friends after we had left.

Low and Behold, she went and bought weed and was caught with it so the residential have informed the police.

She denied using the money I had given her and told me her "friend" had just given her enough for one "joint"

I told her straight that I didnt believe her and asked her to send me a picture of the money to prove she was telling the truth. She send me a pic of just some cash. I asked her to please send me a pic of her holding the money so I could be sure. She told me she was stoned and wanted to sleep so could I wait til tomorrow. I said no please send it now. At this stage I have realised I am being played like a fiddle and told her if my trust meant enough to her she would just admit it. She carried on refusing and projecting. I told her not to contact me again and I have blocked her off FACEBOOK! Believe me I know how immature this all sounds. I am just gutted, so so hurt.

I had a glimpse of happiness today and was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

But it didnt last long  :'(

Hi Infinitee.  I'm so sorry the struggle continues.  It's pretty safe to say that the RTC she is in is not a lockdown facility - which is a challenge in and of itself.  I just cannot believe they actually allow the residents to leave the premises! And yeah, sounds like this isn't the right one for your DD if they are telling you that it's up to you.  Hate to say it but even the one DD just discharged from gave me the same speal after telling me from inception it was their call... .they good ol' point system that fails some.

The first RTC DD was in was not a lock down and she and others in her community would take off over night in the woods (very secluded rural area) all night long often.  That is when I decided lock down was next.

Have you tried explaining to your DD how actions speak louder than words and that she needs to show you she is better to come home?  Maybe point out, gently using the tools others do on here if it works for you guys, what she's demonstrated thus far that doesn't make you think she's as ready as she thinks she is?

I'm sorry. Hang in there.     Is she on medication?

[infiniteeyes]

Ugh, I am so sorry. It feels awful. I know.

Yes thank you for that

[infiniteeyes]

Hi Raytamtay3

Thank you for your reply 

You are indeed correct that it is an open facility to a degree. The kids can go out to activites based in the community. My DD has been attending sports and that is where she met up with this newest drug supplier.

As far as I know that in order for a minor to be placed into a locked secure unit, the services have to prove to a court that they have exhausted all other avenues and that there is no longer any other option.

As heartbreaking as it would be it is beginning to look like DD is somehow wanting this to happen.

Yes believe me I have spoken to her using SET and validating her. Alot of our conversations have been over messenger and so I can look back on them and see that I have been calm and understanding in telling her that I have seeing no reason to believe her behaviours or coping mechanisms are even beginning to change.

I have used the actions speak louder than words line on more times than I can count delivered in an encouraging and empathetic way, only to have them projected back on to me in projection. As if she had come up with them herself. It is totally frustrating 

Further news today from the unit. DD got out of bed lastnight after 1am and spoke to one of the staff, telling him that she had been dishonest and not handed over all of the drugs. But then proceeded to walk out of the premises yet again and when found she had been smoking weed again.

This morning she asked to go to school and the same staff member drove her and waited 10 mins to ensure she entered the building and didnt leave again. However the school reported she only attended 3 classes all day and had yet again taken off and was in the town centre with a number of boys and smoking weed again.

She also lost her phone and they were unable to recover it so I am thanking heavens for that small mercy.

She certainly wont be getting a new one from her father or I.

I feel physically sick tonight. I spoke to my DD4 earlier while she was having a bath and explained to her as appropriately as I could for her age about why her sister is not living her anymore and what has to be done for her to be able to return home. I was beginning to stress about her little feelings in all of this as lastnight after our visit with DD16, the little one asked me if her sister could return home if she (DD4) was a good girl  :'( :'(

I havent spoken with DD16 since and dont feel like I can speak with her at all at the moment as my emotions are running very high.

[infiniteeyes]

DD16 had a visit from the police to the residential unit in relation to the drugs possession.

As she has run out of cautions she will be arrested and formally charged.

I dont know where to turn from here. Has anybody had any experience with anything similar to this?

I will speak to the staff tomorrow. I imagine it will mean her being moved to a lock down secure unit rather than the open unit she is in now.However I am not sure where we now stand legally speaking.

I feel physically sick with worry 

Ive just spoken to a friend with a little background in this and he says that because of her background it does not look good for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

So very sorry to learn of the ongoing problems your d is having while a patient at this RTC.

I am concerned that this placement is not in her best interest.  Are other placement options open to you infiniteyes?  The lack of structure and their inability to keep her safe/help her astound me based on my RTC experience. :'(

lbj

[raytamtay3]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. 

At my DD's first RTC, she was having charges pressed on her left and right, it was ridiculous! Thankfully our judge ordered her to a lock down facility at my request.  Ironically, the first place was shutdown last year... .

Honestly I don't see how the charges could make things that bad for your DD.  I would think/hope that the judge would decide that yes, your DD needs to be put in to a locked down facility while getting treated. 

Hang in there. I know how difficult this is.