Shut out of daughters life

[Bpd mother]

Hi I am not sure what advice I am after but need to post as I am feeling so broken. My adult daughter has a recent diagnosis of Bpd. When she was a teenager we had lots of problems but I thought we had worked through them an had an ok relationship. She has been seeing a councillor and a pysciatrist and her husband tells me it is all my fault and I have got to keep away from her.

I love my daughter and I adore my grandchildren and feel my world is shattered if they are no longer in my life. Even though we did have some problems I really don't know what I have done to cause this

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Bpd mother,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, we are glad that you are here telling us about your feelings and about your family.  I'm sorry to learn that your daughter has BPD and that you are hurting and being blames.  So much of the old school information regarding BPD is that it is caused by bad parenting.  Couple that with the distorted perceptions through extreme emotionality of our children and that parents are often the target since we are the first interpersonal relationship our kids have.

Have you read through this topic yet?

Did I cause this?

After you read through this, let's talk. 

lbjnltx

[Bpd mother]

Thank you for answering. I have read that thread and it did help. She was a sensitive child and there were times when I made mistakes but there were also a lot of good times too which she seems to have forgotton. I am willing to do anything to help but if I am not allowed to see her I can not apologise or try to help.

[lbjnltx]

Her husband is most likely buying into his wife's (your daughter's) blaming and beliefs that you are the cause of all of her problems.  He may be trying to protect his wife/family or it may be rooted in self serving behaviors to make his life easier by validating her beliefs.

Do you have any contact with your daughter?  Any chance of validating her feelings and letting her know that you want to have a better relationship with her?  Maybe asking her if you can attend a therapy session with her?

[Bpd mother]

I did have contact up to a few days ago and I thought things were getting better but now I have had to promise not to contact her in any way unless she contacts me . I do not recognise the character they think I am .he says she is frightened of me and yet I am quite a timid person and over the last few weeks have tried to say only positive things to her. It is as if I have been demonised . I do not want to give too many personal details about her incase she reads this. He says she has made suicide attempt therefore I need to be very careful not to upset her. I would like to attend a therapy session as I feel we could talk in a safe (for her) environment

I am sorry if this is jumbled but I feel all over the place

[lbjnltx]

No, not jumbled.  Our relationships with our adult children are complicated and sorting them out, one issue at a time is where we all start out.

Was there a particular event that prompted the request that you not contact her anymore?  Did you ask what caused him to make the request?

It is advisable to not participate in triangulation with her husband and communicate directly with your daughter.  There is no way to know or understand the problem when communication is filtered through him.

lbj

[Bpd mother]

We live close by and I turned up at the house uninvited to just give her something that she wanted. He told me to go away . The rest of the communication has been through e mail. I tried emailing her just once but she did not reply. I don't know what led up to this just that he said she was stressed. I don't think I have a choice but to leave her alone for now and try to open communication later on . I am terrified she will try another suicide attempt and succeed.

Thank you for taking time to talk it over with me.

[Panda39]

It is as if I have been demonised.

Hi Bpd mother,

It sounds like your daughter is "Splitting".  PwBPD (people with BPD) see things in black in white terms.  Either love or hate for example.  They can't see that they can be mad at someone and still love them at the same time, no shades of gray.

Here is a link to more on Splitting https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Since your daughter has been recently diagnosed I also want to suggest you read as much as you can on BPD.  Knowledge about this disorder is so helpful.  We have a board with book reviews, see what your local library has on the shelves or visit your local bookstore.  Understanding what you are dealing with can really help you understand how to better work with your daughter.

Of course the members here are always available to you too.  The members here have "been there" and understand very well the types of things you

I found understanding what BPD is, and the support here were so helpful in learning better strategies when dealing with my SO's uBPDxw (significant other's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife)

[lbjnltx]

There have been countless times my d has said "leave me alone" and "I never want to talk to you again".  These happen during highly emotional times when she can't hear my words of love or support.  I end those times with "I will wait to hear back from you when you are ready.  Please know that I am here to support you and I love you very much."  Then I provide the open ended space for her to reach out when she is no longer in an emotionally reactive state.

The key point is to remember that our loved ones with BPD mean what they say in that moment.  When "that moment" passes they will feel abandoned when we are no longer contacting them.  We don't want to participate in their highly emotional reactions and we do want to leave the door open.

Please use this time to explore ways to understand and improve your communication with your daughter.  The Lessons and Tools on the right side of the page are designed to help you do begin to get a handle on how this disorder is affecting you, your daughter, your family.

lbj

[Bpd mother]

Thank you panda I will certainly read ever thing I can on the subject. I have plenty of time as I can only spend 2 or 3 hours in bed before I feel better getting up and trying to occupy myself.

[Rockieplace]

Just want you to know that I have been in this situation with my BPDd33. Unlike your d though, she has no children and I feel very sorry for you for the situation because of your current alienation from your grandchildren. That must be so hard.

As mentioned by our wise friends above with a person suffering with BPD things can change very quickly. I have gone from the devil incarnate to the archangel Gabriel almost during the course of a day or two. I too have felt very unsure of what I was even being accused of.

Your responses to these unfair accusations sound to me to have been very thoughtful and measured. It is hard not to try to defend yourself. I have been guilty of this in the past. It seemed to add fuel to the fire on the occasions when I have fallen into this 'trap'.

It is hard to stay calm and carry on and the saying that 'this too will pass' seems quite appropriate for this illness. Hold on there and know that there are many many posters on here rooting for you. Many of us have 'been there' too and just knowing that helps me enormously. I hope to helps you a little too. Lots of hugs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bpd mother]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It made me feel tearful but in a good way.

[Eyeamme]

Hi Bpdmom

I am in the exact situation as you.  I have a 33 year old daughter that is undiagnosed Bpd. Same as you things were rocky then much better.  Out of the blue a blowup.  She also has banned me from my 2 and 5 year old grandsons.

You need time for you.  Read here. Read.  I am learning how to deal with this through trial and error but things do get better one way or another.

[Bpd mother]

I am sorry you are going through the same thing Eyeamme. I hope we can both find a way through this. I love my grandchildren so much to not see them would devastate me.

[Eyeamme]

I am working through it.  You are not alone and people on here are loving and helpful.  Stick around.

[Huat]

Hi BPD Mother!

I hear your pain because it is my pain, too.  It is hard for a mother to experience the rejection of a child.  Our (undiagnosed) BPD daughter is 50 and we are in our mid-70's... .and the roller coaster ride continues.

After many years of drama, a counselor told us that it sounded like she was displaying traits of something called "Borderline Personality Disorder".  What a relief it was to have someone give it a possible name... .to nod my head as I read up about it... .to know our situation was not unique... .and to find out that there were other parents out there experiencing similar problems.

The best advice I can give you is... .do not play the part of victim!  A while back, a wise person posted "You teach people how to treat you."  Do your homework... .work on yourself... .look after yourself.  It is not going to be easy... .but you will have this site as a sounding board.

[Bpd mother]

I am so sorry you are going through this too Huat. Retirement is supposed to be a time to relax and travel if that is what you enjoy. My feelings are raw at the moment but I am trying. I have ordered the book " loving someone with BPD" and I am reading things on here. This morning I went to town and bought some Bach Rescue Remedy to take when the anxiety threatens to overtake me. Thank you for sharing

[bpdsenior]

Well there are quite a few of us in a similar place.  One thing that is extremely hard to realize is the degree to which Bpd victims can be masterful manipulators.  As parents we protect our children even when we ought not, especially if they are victims of a real illness as Bpd is.

I ran to protect against suicide ideations both from a spouse and a child, but later realized it was merely the Mt Everest of manipulation.  Being available as our moderator indicates is about 110 percent of what you can and should do.  Doing more, when they despise your actions, in their hate cycle, is counter productive.  I have no doubt the borderline feels pain and confusion, but we feel it too when the world turns upside down.   It's hard sometimes to remember that gravity still makes that wrong. Nothing is as the Bpd suggests or demands.  When it's a child or spouse it's especially difficult. don't let them destroy you or the relationships that ARE normal.

[Bpd mother]

Thank you for your reply Bpd senior. My husband has the same opinion as yourself and I know there is nothing we can do but wait and see but it is hard.

[Chloe66]

I am going through the same thing. My 41 year old daughter and I had a huge fight. We both said hurtful things.  She then said she didn't want me in her life and forbids me from seeing my grandson. She knows how important he is to us and is using him as a weapon to hurt me. I am devastated. I have texted apologies many times but she won't listen and now doesn't answer my texts. I don't know how to handle this. My grandson is probably being fed lies that we don't want to see him. He is 9 years old and loves us. I need help

[Bpd mother]

Chloe66.  I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am reading everything I can and trying to understand but it doesn't lesson the pain. You have apologised and can do no more. Try and give her space and hope she eventually contacts you. Maybe one day she will need help with something and will call you.

We have accepted that the relationship with our daughter may be over but my husband intends to fight for access to the grandchildren, through the court if necessary. Before going to these lengths he is emailing my son in law and trying to meet up with him to talk it through.

I do not feel strong enough for this and spend my day reading and trying to distract my self for a short while. I know my grandchildren loved us and I feel so guilty that they may feel abandoned by us.

There are a lot of people on here going through terrible times at the moment and I pray that we will all find peace.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Keep writing little notes of love to your gkids, put them in a shoe box with their name on them, be sure to date them.  When the time comes to have contact with them once more, be it a few months from now or years, give them the box.  They will see you held them close in your heart while apart.

Judge Judy used to say to grandparents to "find a way to get along if you want to be in your grandchildren's lives".  How much we do, accept, and overlook in the name of love is up to us.  Some say it goes against my values... .others say they have no choice.  It is all a choice and we live with the outcomes of them.

I would tell the worst possible person in the world how great they are if that is what it took to be with the one(s) I love and give them a secure relationship.  Would I be judged poorly for that?  The only one's whose judgments matter are my God, myself and my loved one.


lbj

[Eyeamme]

I wasn't going to post anymore but I have to.  I am in a really dark place.  We all do what we do for our own reasons.  Doesn't mean that we love our kids less if we let them go.  It means that we can't do it anymore.  I had a good 10 year run with my daughter talking to me. I developed a relationship with my grandkids.  I refuse to put them in the middle of their mother and I.  I know that they would know something was up and could feel the tension.  It is unfair.  I love them all enough to let go.  My mother is in the same category.  I am in a spot that feels like I am never going to get out of the pain unless I let go.  I paid my 57 years of dues.

[Bpd mother]

Ibjnitx.      Thank you for your support your posts mean a lot and always ring true for me. The small love notes are a good idea and something positive I could do.


Eyeamme  I am sorry if my thread is causing you more pain . I too feel in a dark place and may have to let go as there will be no other choice. I have been awake since 3am and things always feel worse in the early hours.

[Kate4queen]

Sometimes you just have to step back and say. "I understand. I love you, and I'll be here when or if you are ready to contact me again."

And then take that time to do something nice for yourself-something maybe that you haven't been able to do because you've been so busy taking care of your relationship with your DD.

Unfortunately it's very typical for a) therapists to buy into the idea that everything has to be the parents fault and our PWBPD are extremely good at presenting their very unique version of reality which often has no resemblance to the truth. But they believe it, which is why others are taken in.

You know you've done your best. Don't let her current demonization of you define who you really are. Find people who love you for who you really are and don't let her draw you into her distorted world.

Sometimes our PWPBD find partners who are controlling and will use this to form a wedge between a parent and child. Sometimes the partner is dominated by the PWBPD and gives into them about everything. Whatever you do, keep out of that and don't get sucked into the dynamics of their marriage.

Step back, keep it simple and as night follows day at some point your DD will probably call you like nothing has happened.

[Lollypop]

Well said kate4queen

[Bpd mother]

Thank you kate4queen it means a lot that there are people out there that really understand. The support on here is helping me get through one day at a time.