Sister-in-Law can't let go of our move

[Glenb0711]

My husband is the youngest of three siblings, with two older sisters. We are suspicious his eldest sister may have BPD, or at least has shown some symptoms of it, even if some of the more aggressive/in-your-face traits we have not seen. Their father has been a high-functioning alcoholic for the past 30 years or so, so definitely had an unstable family life. My husband has never been on the "bad" side of his sister's wrath, but has observed it, calling her "extremely manipulative" if not down right cruel at times. He acknowledges that things at home got MUCH better when she went off to college, and gets along very well with the middle sister.

My husband was in the military for 9 years, service which took us overseas for 6 of them. Two years ago, upon leaving the military, we had a very stressful and sudden situation in which to decide where to move. We had 6 weeks to choose a job and a place to live (the first time we ever had true choice in moving), while all of our immediate family members (mine included) lived in separate states all over the country. There is no simple "home" to go back to. Also, we have experienced our own sources of trauma, involving serious medical issues, over the past few years and due to constant upheaval and stress have not had time to really heal. We needed a "safe" place to land that was stable, and amazingly found one.

We are so thankful to be where we are, but unfortunately it is the one place his sister specifically begged us not to move to as it is far away, and she believes we will never leave because it is such a good fit for us. She has taken what has been a very complicated decision for us (KNOWING we were choosing to not move close to family, for very good reasons) during one of the most stressful times of our lives and accused us of not caring how she, or anyone else in the family (including MINE) feels about it, believes we will never leave, are completely satisfied living in our own "utopia," and will never have relationships with any of the rest of the family, ever again.

When we moved here and she freaked out, we calmly and gently explained our reasons for moving, for which she would counterpoint that it didn't matter, we still chose to move=we don't care. She has projected her feelings on everyone else in the family ("I'm not the only one who feels this way--just the only one being honest about it), her reasoning is classic splitting, and when we chose to visit her first after we moved, cold shouldered us so badly I wanted to leave. My husband had a face-to-face conversation that seemed to help at the time, but now that we are still here two years later and have turned down jobs in places closer to family (for a myriad of reasons, mainly our own sanity and stability), it's only further solidifying her opinions. Her parents are understandably distressed and have attempted to mediate recently (we recommended they don't, but they did), only to get the same hostility and irrational reasons why this is all our fault and we're horrible, heartless people.

We feel we have tried talking with her, apologizing for any insensitivity we could think of that was an actual oversight on our part (we were not aware of potential BPD at that time), validated her feelings as much as we could, tried to explain our reasons for moving, pointed out that she doesn't live near family either (I know now that doesn't help!), tried to explain the truth where we could show she was not understanding situations properly, visited her personally, have tried keeping contact (we are always the ones initiating), but are just tired as we have seen no improvement. Two years later she's still bringing up issues with her parents that we have apologized for or tried to explain. Over the past few months we have scaled way back on contact with her because the reception has been so cold, and has involved many passive/covert aggressive comments. We are at a loss at how to proceed, especially because the recent conversations were between the parents and her (parents shared them with us without our requesting them to), and show she has not changed her opinion. Moving right now is NOT an option for us, nor do I feel it will be for some time. It has felt like not matter WHAT we do, it doesn't help, and can and will be used against us.

My specific questions are: What does validation look like when her beliefs are based on false assumptions? I get the validating the feelings, I do. Do you just not address ANY of their distorted reasoning, or point out how hurtful their assumptions and accusations of your character/intentions are?

Also, what do boundaries look like in communication, living far apart, when that communication is always fraught with underhanded comments couched in neutral language? For example, when we told the whole family we were planning to come to the larger family reunion and would love to see everyone if it worked for their travel plans, no pressure at all, but we would be there, part of her response was, "Sorry we can't accommodate your travel plans." On the surface, that's a perfectly acceptable response, but from her, it has daggers attached, at least that's how my husband reads it, and in the context of all the rest of her words toward us, seems genuinely underhanded. We have had many people read some of the emails we have exchanged, asking if we are crazy to interpret her words that way, and all have assured us we are not off-base.

HELP!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Glenb0711:

Welcome to the BPD Family  

So sorry about the situation with your SIL.  

The uBPD in my life is my sister.  I'm still in a learning mode in regard to BPD.  I'm sure that others with a lot more experience and skill have some valuable input to give you.

I would interpret you and your husband moving to where you wanted as enforcing a boundary. Good for you for moving where you wanted!  It is your life, not SIL's.  Moving far away from a dysfunctional family member (s), appears to be a common goal.

We can't change the people in our lives or the way that they think and act. The only thing we can do is change the way we react to them and enforce our boundaries.

Below is a link to an article about validation.  When you get to the end of the article, there is a button to click that will take you to several pages of post that discuss the issue (don't miss the multiple pages).  I think that most, if not all of the links below have an associated discussion thread, with a link at the end of the article.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries - you might find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).  I think you will relate to the situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to:  SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

As you read, you might have some questions about the specific topics to post about.  Best wishes. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Glenb0711

I would like to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you here

You believe your sister-in-law (SIL) might have BPD. How did you learn about BPD?

Your SIL has certain issues which makes it difficult to deal with her. You are already aware of the BPD behaviors known as projection and splitting. She might not have been diagnosed with BPD, but do you know if she perhaps has been diagnosed with any other mental, emotional or behavioral disorders? Has she perhaps ever gotten some kind of help or therapy?

Naughty Nibbler has shared some great resources with you. For dealing with false accusations and hostile (written) communications, it might also be helpful to look into the J.A.D.E. and B.I.F.F.:

Dealing with false accusations - Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

Dealing with hostile communications - Keep it B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm

Here's an excerpt from the article about B.I.F.F.:

Much of hostile mail does not need a response. Letters from exes, angry neighbors, irritating coworkers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

Some letters and e-mails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process—or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If so, use a BIFF response.

Your husband also believes his sister might have BPD. How did his sister behave when they were younger? Can your husband (looking back) now also identify possible BPD traits in his sister when they were growing up?

Take care

[Glenb0711]

Thank you for your kind words. We have been out of town and so I have not been able to respond until now.

I learned about BPD through a friend who is a counselor. I know my SIL is and has been in counseling for a while (she was at WTC block when 9/11 happened, has an alcoholic father, etc), but do now know if she has an actual diagnosis of anything as she has not given us any info herself and I will not ask something so personal. That is why I hesitate to label her. She has a lot going on, and has had over the course of her life. These traits also follow similarly to those of an adult child of an alcoholic. But either way, there is help to be found and I appreciate your suggestions. I have gotten disheartened at times knowing she IS in therapy of some sort, yet seems to not be any better. I am also aware that BPD can be very tricky to diagnose sometimes, so who knows.

As far as my husband and what life was like as a child, he has described her as extremely manipulative of both he and the other sister, and that things were SO much better when the SIL went to college. So, yes, traits were present as a child. Her parents describe her as very emotional and difficult, and I know her father has been quoted as saying "don't put that guilt trip on me" type of things.

Again, thanks for your help.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Glenb0711:   

I wouldn't get hung up on whether she qualifies for the label of BPD.  Most people have a trait or two that falls within the spectrum of BPD (or episodes of traits).

All of the strategies and communication skills can be valuable in daily life, work life, etc.  You might think of the skills as tools to use when she is being are being difficult, regardless of the reason why.