Need advice

[chriscaz]

Hi I am a gay male who is in an 8 year long distance relationship with a great guy, but have recently befriended a younger guy who  eventually developed feelings and now wants to have a relationship with me. He is obsessed with the idea that I will break up with my BF to be with him. I have told him I don't think that's going to happen, but I haven't told this guy to simply never speak to me again because I do truly care about him, and after some reading on the subject thanks to another friend who nailed this guy as a BPD, I truly feel he is a textbook case and my heart breaks for him. However, he is really going downhill, our interactions are incredibly tense, he is insecure, emotional, irrational, and extraordinarily accusatory, blaming so much of what irritates him on things I do. I am at my wits end. I am supposed to visit him this week where he lives, but I am feeling extremely uncomfortable doing so. I want to maintain my friendship but I want him to relax and not strangle me to death. I don't know where to turn. Also, there is a lot more to this story than I have mentioned here, but didn't want to start with loads of details. Will these posts and notifications show up in my email inbox, because he may have access to that, and I don't want him to know that I have posted.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello chriscaz,

I can certainly understand the frustration and confusion you must be feeling when faced with BPD type behavior.  The state of the relationship would appear to be triggering him as he feels closer to you than you do to him.  Given this, maintaining a friendship will be difficult at best especially if it at one time went further than friendship.  This will be something you will have to navigate carefully.  

What is making you uncomfortable about visiting him?

More details will help you gain some clarity and help us help you.    

I have found writing it all down helps to organize your thoughts and emotions, especially when you are in the FOG.

You will need strong Boundaries if you are to go forward with a relationship/friendship with him.  This weekend might a good opportunity to start setting some healthy boundaries?

Email notifications can be set in your user profile.  Look in the left box for "Notifications and Email" and "Personal Message Options".   I believe the default is no notifications but you should check to make sure.