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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional Immaturity  (Read 54416 times)
elphaba
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« on: August 03, 2007, 11:19:59 AM »

Here are some characteristics of emotional immaturity from When the man in your life can't commit by David Hawkins:

1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other — see also the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey).
Over-dependence is indicated by: a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.
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slowly_going_crazy
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« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2011, 11:18:56 PM »

Hello, That post was quite interesting I thought. Most of the emotions on there describe how my emotions work ( I have BPD). One thing that was said in there though about being insensitive to others feelings is not correct about me. I often care too much about others or love them very deeply. I am also not selfish, I try to do as much as I can for others and focus on them rather than myself. I do have a big anger problem though and my anger seems to come often and sometimes for no reason at all or it's something I shouldn't be angry about. I'm not sure why it happens but I would like it to stop. I hate having a bad temper. Does anyone else here have an anger problem?
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joolsh
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« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2011, 11:05:10 PM »

BPD's and emotional immaturity...found this info online that seemed to fit.

Immature people may demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They may seem thoughtless and impulsive. They may be loyal only while you are useful. They have chaotic social and financial lives.

Emotional Immaturity

LOVE -Love is NEED.  Demands affection and love but avoids any sign of “weakness” and has difficulty showing and accepting love

EMOTIONS-Cannot handle frustration or criticism; jealous, unwilling to forgive, fluctuating moods, temper tantrums, fears change

REALITY-Avoids and denies bills and relationship problems which demand integrity, seeks people to blame

FEEDBACK-Does not learn from experience, good or bad experiences are casued by fate, little or no personal responsibility

STRESS-Avoids reality, pessimistic, angry, attacks people when frustrated, often anxious

RELATING-Dependent, easily influenced, indecisive or snap judgements.  Is not responsible for own actions or deficiencies.  Hyper sensitive to criticism but insensitive to others feelings
          
Immature adults are not children not teenagers. They are often self-centered and selfish adults. They may have little regard for others. They may be preoccupied with their own feelings and symptoms. They may demand your constant attention, sympathy and compliments. They may avoid participation if they can't have their own way or be the best. They may be obsessed with impressing people.





This is exactly why I see myself as some type of monster, and get suicidal because it makes me hate myself for what I put others through.
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TenYearsGone


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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2011, 12:39:16 PM »

My ex uBPDgf was pretty much incapable of emotional maturity. She was very childlike in the way she responded to other people's problems, often saying she couldn't deal with it because she was stressed or tired. She accepted very little responsibility for her own actions and the pain they caused others. This included blaming her infidelity on me not being there enough, or even blaming work colleagues for her own inadequacies.

If she was given any criticism she took it to heart and would get very emotional. This included in a work environment (she is a writer so comments from editors did not go down well!) or even basic domestic things such as doing the cooking, washing up or cleaning (she never did any of these and if I tried to discuss them with her I faced a verbal onslaught). Every time we discussed bills she got upset and actually started blaming me for how high they were saying "you are going to have to change the way you live in this flat."

She was constantly anxious about social interaction, saying people found her boring and as soon as they got to know her they would lose interest. She said she only felt relaxed when drinking.

She was very demanding of affection but would be picky about what she wanted. She would constantly say "can I have a hug" or "please kiss me" but then snap if I did something else, for instance stroking her hair, she would tell me off. If I was late home from work she would get really upset and say she had been lonely. If I got home too early she criticised me for not warning her.

Interestingly she would often talk in a childish, baby voice, usually when she wanted something. She would say things like "chocolate" or "beer" and expect me to then go out and buy her these things. rolleyes
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wellnowonder


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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2011, 11:08:47 PM »

Whoa this thread is a lot to take in but its very validating to what I have experienced with my uBPD husband.  Making a mental to note to come back and finish reading, I had to stop myself at the second page  tongue
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jennaK

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« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2014, 10:30:00 PM »

Is there a difference between having BPD, the emotional immaturity, and someone having two personalities, or split?  Is it possible for someone who is highly educated, high functioning, good job, to have two real different personalities without having a different name they like to be called, but really not remember things they've said or opinions and have completely different views sometimes without realizing it at all?  And sometimes it seems he really doesn't remember things.  And when he accuses me of "never" doing something, is it possible for people to be unaware of the past and really perceive what's going on in the present, meaning unaware of past situations and holidays with me, maybe immediately comparing every scenario to his childhood without realizing there's been many times I have done what he's accusing me of "never" doing, almost in a hyped up panic.  This has puzzled me.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2014, 03:14:08 PM »

Is there a difference between having BPD, the emotional immaturity, and someone having two personalities, or split?  Is it possible for someone who is highly educated, high functioning, good job, to have two real different personalities without having a different name they like to be called, but really not remember things they've said or opinions and have completely different views sometimes without realizing it at all?  And sometimes it seems he really doesn't remember things.  And when he accuses me of "never" doing something, is it possible for people to be unaware of the past and really perceive what's going on in the present, meaning unaware of past situations and holidays with me, maybe immediately comparing every scenario to his childhood without realizing there's been many times I have done what he's accusing me of "never" doing, almost in a hyped up panic.  This has puzzled me.

Hi jennaK,

Yes, there is a difference between BPD and multiple personality disorder.  I know what you mean about not remembering things, too.  There have been studies that show problems with autobiographical memory in pwBPD, but it is linked with the presence of depression, so I'm not sure if that is appropriate in your partner's case.  The accusations sound like they might be projection, which is a quite common behavior for someone with BPD.

I agree that it is all very puzzling, especially from a high-functioning individual, because we just assume that they see things the way we do!

heartandwhole

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« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2014, 04:58:03 PM »

I'm so glad I found this site, makes me feel I'm not alone or going crazy.

I would say that emotional immaturity is the hallmark of BPD. As soon as I started thinking about my ex as a little girl instead of an adult, everything started to make sense. In fact, my 7 year old daughter has much more emotional maturity than my 32 year old ex!

She absolutely threw herself into the relationship with me, within a week of us meeting she had left her partner of 4 years and really didn't care a hoot about him. Little kids throw themselves 100% into new things and then get tired of that and move onto something else.

Within a few weeks she was telling me that she had never loved a man like she loved me and that this is "the big one" she started talking about babies, marriage, changing her surname to mine.
Little kids are ultra enthusiastic about everything.

I could go on and on with examples but I think its really important to understand that you are dealing with a small child on an emotional level when you are with a BPD. In my case I think I was dealing with a 5 year old. By about 7 years of age, kids have developed some empathy. My ex had virtually no empathy which is why I think she is about a 5 year old emotionally.

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survived

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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2014, 06:20:16 PM »

Oh yes, this is definitely the main symptom I have had to deal with in my uBPDmom. As a child, I was terrorized, but now that I'm an adult and she "needs" my approval and love, it's the immaturity I see most. Now I just pretend I am babysitting a 9 year old when we are out of the house, and it helps me cope with her embarrassing behavior… like flirting with every man she sees, or advising the waitress on her life choices. Ugh. If the rage comes up again with her, I am going to try to validate her emotions, and some other tools I am learning here to calm her.

I found it very interesting to read from the OP that they were devastated when they realized they were the last to know how immature they actually were. It made me feel a lot of empathy/sympathy for you. I know when I realize something about myself that I don't like, I am incredibly embarrassed.  Good for you for facing yourself and fixing what you felt you needed to sort out.   
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audacia

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« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2014, 04:57:08 PM »

Quote
1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism,

I spent a long time thinking I was doing something to cause these outbursts of anger.My stbxBPD H frequently behaves with the emotions of a child. Sometimes it is difficult to identify what happened to cause his sudden burst of anger. In the past year he has started to say from time to time that he is embarrassed that he has not ever learned more appropriate behaviours or responses.

Quote
2. Over-Dependence  a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long.

Again, this feels like taking care of a small child rather than being married to an adult partner. I always thought this was because he left an abusive family home and moved in with me at a young age. We were both 21. I had lived on my own for 2 or 3 years. He has never lived on his own and has never even had a utility bill in his name. He doesn't do adult things on his own. He won't even leave a job that is no longer good for him. Preferring to be fired or forced out.

Quote
3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

We have had so many agruments around this issue. We even have a name for it. We call it "putting a stick in my spokes." It means, everthing is going along ok and then he gets some idea about something he needs or has to do, and even if it means sticking a stick in the spokes and flipping the bike, (which injures me) he will do it. Later he explains how it's not his fault and will double talk and flip the conversation making it worse.

Quote
4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

This describes my stbx with BPD to a t. Even if he does something that has wronged me, he will only talk about how he feels about it. So for example, let's say he says he'll be home for dinner at a certain time. That time will come and go by and he will show up two hours later. He won't understand why I would have expected him to call and say he was going to be late. He won't understand why he would need to appologize. And then he would only be concerned with how this situation was making him feel bad. And fishing for compliments ... oh my gosh ... and from anyone anytime anywhere.

Quote
A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships

I must go now and learn about co-dependancy or what ever it is that I am suffering from that allowed me to degrade myself for so long.
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