BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[WalrusGumboot]

This is actually an interesting question. I think the stock answer is that they never matured emotionally and are "stuck" in an almost child-like state of reasoning. Reasoning is the key word, because it is because of it that humans can consider the gray area in every situation.

Black and white thinking is also very egocentric. Consider a situation where they have a lunch date with a good friend (this was a real situation with my pwBPD once). The friend is very late to the restaurant. Normal, gray area thinking would think that perhaps that person got hung up at work, or stuck in traffic, or something worse. Maybe the friend forgot. Egocentric thinking would conclude that her friend probably got a better offer and blew her off, and that she wasn't really a friend after all. The focus of their thinking remain on themselves instead of having a normal concern for the other person.

[seeking balance]

Not sure if this helps answer your question.

Columbia, let me see if I can help you understand the phenomenon that you are describing.

Some people call it the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, but there is a better metaphor than that out there, that is more accurate.




Think of a pendulum. When it is still, the ball on the end represents us as human beings. It is the core of our own sense of self. We all have emotions, and it is the energy of those emotions that cause us to swing on our fulcrums. The higher, and stronger the emotions, the higher the swing of the arm.

Now, a normal human being that is stable, has a tight swing. When we are in relationships with people, we aren't judging these swings by standing in front of them, but yet, we are seeing them from the side. We are closest to the one side, or "the high" of the pendulum swing. Lets just say for example, that the left side apex of the swing is the fun, happy, loving time of our person, and the right side apex represents the angry, volatile, and belligerent side of the swing. We all stand at the left side, looking down the swing. The further that the swing gets away, the unhappier we are with our relationship with the pendulum.

Now, because of the sheer amount of emotion that the suffers of BPD have, their swings are very loose, and run a long way, from apex to apex. When this happens, we see very high "highs" and very low "lows". We are extremely happy when the highs are here, because everything is so exaggerated, which feeds our desires. The love is so fantastic, and the raw emotions and feelings are so powerful, and so wonderful. They only give way when the pendulum starts getting away from us, and we endure the low parts, which are also so much more exaggerated than with a normal person.

Much like a narcotic addiction, we get so addicted to the "highs" that we will endure anything that the "lows" have to offer us, because we know that if we can just hold on, we will be back into the "highs" eventually. There really is a dependency, and a type of addiction that happens here physically, because of the releases of chemicals in the brain during these times of highs.

Now, with all of that said, if we were to heal the disorder in the individual, we wouldn't experience the extreme lows, nor the highs. Most of the time, it is the ultimate highs that attract us.

I hope this helps you understand.

[rooster1106]

Well, I'm new to to this stuff and don't know for sure. With my mom, I think her traumatized child perspective has persisted into her adult life. As a kid her mother committed suicide, her father was mean, and she didn't feel that her sister was there for her. So I lot of people appeared to be "bad guys" and her mother was the "good guy" who died too soon. She was also "the good guy" who got a raw deal in life, who is incredibly kind and wonderful in spite of all she has unfairly suffered.  Yes, her suffering was unfair but she is a total martyr and victim about it. So it seems to me that BPs are invested in being victims, my mom has definitely made an identity of it, so if she is the victim, she is all good and others are all bad. She was never willing to work through this, so I think she keeps making people "good" and "bad" out of distorted habit. This is a very important criterion for BPD in my understanding and it's one my mom has big time.  I've done a little reading on BPD and what I've read is that the BP would feel absolutely worthless if they admit to any imperfection so they have to be perfect and make someone else completely imperfect. It would be interesting to hear other responses.
Stay strong, be well,
Rooster

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[an0ught]

I know that pwBPD do a lot of black and white thinking. My question is, why? Does it satisfy some need or relieve some anxiety, or otherwise serve a functional purpose for the pwBPD?

When it comes to action B&W thinking is related to them falling back to instinctive behavior during dysregulation. Fight or flight - so it does serve a functional purpose - problem is we are not faced with tigers every day.
 
When it comes to sensing it is also related to their high sensitivity.

So on the perceiving and on the acting side they are on the more extreme side. Depending on the individual one, the other or both play a major role.

[MaybeSo]

We all engaged in a lot of black and white thinking...as small children.

There are developmental stages people normally go through, and over time,  the brain moves into more and more complex functioning as we grow from child to adult.

It is at one developmental stage to have black/white type thinking.  A young child, whose mother w/holds ...perhaps doesn't come with the bottle right away...is experienced by the child as ALL BAD while that is going on.  A child will tell a parent that they hate them and throw a tantrum over not getting their way...an hour later they will be cuddled on the couch with the same parent, the tantrum is all done now, but during the tantrum, that child was really feeling rage and hate and frustration and pain...but  it's not remembered or held onto...bliss, rage, black, white, all or nothing, good bad.  It can be very black/white, love you, hate you..with small children.

In normal development, we move into more and more complex brain activity...it is actually quite an achievement for a human being to hold two opposing concepts in their head at the same time, that something can be both...a mixture of good and bad, a little black and a little white...that is actually an advanced brain function.  Not everyone does that easily.  Under stress, even those who have that ability normally...can regress to more primitive forms of thinking...becasue if you are in an emergency, it's not helpful to ruminate, rather your body wants to assess and react faster in case you are in danger.

Not EVERYONE always goes through normal developmental steps, there can be variation in a popluation... DBT is a lot about learning about the dialectic...that a thing can be good and bad...both.  If I am dyslexic...I may always struggle to read...until I am taught special skills that makes reading more accessable to how my brain works. This can be true for many people in many different areas...pwBPD do seem to struggle with this black/white processing ...but a more integrated thinking can be learned with special focus and skills training.  Also if you are emtionally arroused an upset a alot... you are scared and alarmed a lot...it would be safe to say that it would also be harder to integrate more advanced concepts because your body/mind thinks it's in danger and wants to quickly make asessments for safety sake, so black and white thinking is just faster and safer... no one has access to  their higher brain functioning when they are in fight/flight. That's why taking time outs are so important.

[WalrusGumboot]

MaybeSo, excellent answer to the question 

[At_Bay]

What it means to me is when the idealized version of you by the pwBPD is replaced in his/her mind with you in the role of an adversary/worst enemy. When a pwBPD feels uneasy for a variety of reasons--things happening that are not his/her idea, lack of attention, or feeling pressure, justified or not, then the bad feelings mean someone is responsible, and it is you!

Some call it painted white or painted black. White and you can do no wrong. When black, you'll get accused of the things he/she's been doing that are inappropriate. You are described as the problem and always have been. Any word of defense or attempt at rational explanations is gasoline on the fire. Instead, make yourself scarce and say you're "thinking about everything." I've shortened it to: OK.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

My uBPDw would see people as either all black or all white and could not see people in grey part good part bad.

People could be paitned black one minute only to be white again a few days later. I could not believe she was meeting someone for coffee when a few days earlier they were the scum of the earth.

I seemed to be immune to this but eventually I became the blackest of the black.

BPD is hard to get your head around. Once you accept that you are dealing with a mental health disorder rather than logical retional thinking it becomes easier to understand.

Some confuse Slitting with Dissociation:

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0

I wish you well on your journey of discovery  

[shatra]

Hi
 I have posted before about the BPD strong connection to animals (animals love them unconditionally, won't abandon them, etc.) Now I have seen that the push-pull and splitting can be done with animals and objects!
   My partner was complaining about one of his cats---seen as all negative, though the cat is really okay. He wanted to give the cat away. I was feeling eager to help, and a neighbor wants a cat. I was feeling optimistic, hoping for a good outcome, the neighbor wanted the cat and now----a few days later when I told my partner there is someone who will take the cat------all of a sudden the cat is "great" and he no longer wants to give the cat away!
   I literally felt shocked, like I was talking to a different person, or talking about a different cat. So I am learning that they can do splitting, and the push-pull (threaten to "leave", and days later insist on keeping the animal), just as they do with people!
    I would guess if the neighbor had taken the cat, my partner would have felt angry and abandoned, rather than seeing that he had wanted the cat to leave!

   I wonder if others have seen this, with animals, or objects (one week they want to abandon the car, the next week they cling to it).

Take care

Shatra

[momtario]

I have never thought of it like this before, but my uNPD/uBPDh does this as well, with our dogs. And this could explain the rotating door as far as vehicles we've owned goes as well. We've been married for 6 years and have had 5 different vehicles; owned, not leased! He always finds something so wrong with it that we have to get rid of it. Seriously, as soon as something breaks, "this car was a bad idea, we need a new one." Huh.

[Lempicka]

Ex-gf did it with our pets. Any pet I had was black, hers were white. Then she'd somehow end up taking over the pet (I left there petless) and the animal would be now be white.

Also, even though we lived together, her pets were hers and mine were mine... except when she wanted me to pay a vet bill or walk her dog, then they were conveniently ours.

[jadedone]

My question regarding splitting is, is it possible to split certain people in their lives and not others?
For example the BPD I know seems to take a lot of time impressing his work friends and validating himself by winning their approval. I don't hear him say much negative about them very often and he certainly doesn't give them the silent treatment for weeks. 

[jadedone]

Can anyone explain how someone with BPD selects people to split while other people in their life are not treated in the same manner? As in do they only split family, spouses, children?

Or do they generally use splitting behavior with everyone they know?

Thanks

[eeyore]

eventually they do it to everyone.  It goes in cycles. 

[CodependentHusband]

eventually they do it to everyone.  It goes in cycles. 

Well, I wouldn't say they do it to everyone, based on what I have read an observed in my short studies. I would qualify it by saying that they usually do it to almost everyone close to them. This includes family members, friends and co-workers (in that order of priority). Note that I said almost everyone close to them. There are many variables at play here, but three variables are of particular importance here:

1.) How much interaction they have with a particular person (less inteaction = less opportunities to find fault with that particular non)

2.) How important that person is to them (the more power/influence they have over the BPD (or other nons close by), the higher the risk of that person being split black).

3.) The personality/behavior traits of each non in the circle of family, friends, and co-workers. This aspect is, in my opinion, perhaps the most important one. Some people are naturally more passive than others, and tend to be less threatening to a BPD... This results in less triggering of the BPD's behaviors. You know the communication tools S.E.T., JADE, etc? While these particular nons aren't consciously applying these communication techniques, their natural communication styles can often have a similar effect on BPD's, resulting in less triggering as a result.


This is my unprofessional opinion, and I could be fundamentally flawed in my logic on this. Your question is a good one, and one I have pondered it myself. In fact, Sometime I think that the reason I am with my dBPDw is that I tend to be generally non-threatening myself... one of those, "you'll never meet a nicer guy" types. This equates to being shark bait to a BPD, I think. . Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to not be shark bait. 

[jadedone]

I have heard of trying to empathize with the BPD person but I do not know what SET or JADE mean. I think you are pretty spot on with how they determine who to split in their lives.
At times I would become very confused as to how the BPD in my life would make all of his work friends out to be perfect people but I was just this horrible person in his life.  Until days later when he would contact me and say don't be a stranger!  This is what made me think maybe they were not being split to him.

I am working on setting firm boundaries but I would like to know what these communication tools you speak of are!

Thanks

[CodependentHusband]

...how they determine who to split in their lives...



At times I would become very confused as to how the BPD in my life would make all of his work friends out to be perfect people but I was just this horrible person in his life.  Until days later when he would contact me and say don't be a stranger!  This is what made me think maybe they were not being split to him.

I am working on setting firm boundaries but I would like to know what these communication tools you speak of are!

Thanks

(Pardon the pun) I may well be splitting hairs here, but when you say that the BPD "determines" who to split, it implies that they are consciously deciding that they are going to get mad at someone and split them black. Splitting, in and of itself, isn't something that the BPD does consciously. Yes, there are times when the BPD is more sensitive to being slighted, and that increases the chances of anyone in their path that day of being split black, but they aren't deciding to pick a fight. Now, with that said, after someone is split black, I believe that they hold that person's actions and perceived motives to an even higher standard than they would have otherwise, and they do begin to look for reasons to make them justified in their decision to have someone remain painted black. This comes out in ways such as picking fights with a non that they have split black. It's also their way of getting revenge or punishing the person that they believe deserves it. That's not the same thing though, since the splitting has already happened.

You can bet that if he indeed has BPD that at just about any given time, someone he works with has been split black. It may well be someone that remains black at all times, but he has somone he splits black at work... There's just too much time spent with people at work for his relationships with all of those people to be stable... Again, this is assuming that he is indeed BPD. I don't know if they have a dx or not.



Do a search for JADE and S.E.T, you will find hits on pages that contain the workshops and lessons on this site. Also, when you browse the forums here, you will see links to appropriate tools on the right-hand side of the screen. Trust me... these tools work, given patience, time, and PRACTICE. Also, keep in mind that sometimes things get worse before they get better. If this person isn't your SO, you may see immediate benefit in their use (the closer you are, the harder it is for a BPD to deal with emotions).

Best of luck! Let us know how things are going for you!

[beyondbelief]

Here is one of many links to communication tools including SET.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)


I don't think my X did a lot of thinking about who to split different colors.  She had a few people who were always one way and a few others who were the other way and several that varied (triangulation).  Often I was the lightening rod and if she was mad at anyone she would take it out on me.

[careman]

Me as a non, sure feel pain after breakup. How come my pwBPD could just jump ship and immediately engage with other men.

I think like this
Strong bond + breakup = pain.
Is it only the non that bonds/attaches - don't BPD bond?

5 months NC, still hurting...

[BDFriend]

Careman, I wonder and struggle with the same. Mine dumped me and I was replaced within days- by two others waiting in the wings.

This was after we had discussed how close we were and how strong our bond was.  They feel no remorse. On to the next. No empathy. None.  Mine was classic push pull.

Not to sound cliche, but it's the disorder. It's the disorder that *allows* them break the bond they really never had. Without empathy, why should they care?

For those of us that do bond with them, the pain is horrific when they depart abruptly.  Our minds have the ability to process logically. Their brains do not.  Our souls have the capability to bond with those we love. They cannot bond the way they do.  Not to say they don't have a soul.

Or do they?