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Yesterday was my step-son's birthday.  I had made plans albiet the busiest day of my work to take off early to get home to help celebrate it.

I do work at a family business.  The day started off with my wife being mean and nasty for no warranted reason. She called and apologized later.

That afternoon she was still moody and depressed.  She was getting my son's room ready and painted and set up for his birthday.  He was wanting a computer that was a pretty big gift for video gaming, so we talked it over and my computer was 6 years old and I had been talking about getting a new one for 3 years.  It is still vastly more powerful than anything we could get him for $600 so he said he would like my computer and I would get a new one... which I told my wife would cost about $1500, but I would attempt to build it myself so we could save a few hundred.  NEver had built a computer before.  I had always been hesitant to get a new computer cause our debt,but my business is all computer/internet based.

In any case, we were going ahead, she had been mad over me not spending more time with her cause my computer took me 6 hours to build correctly as I was new at it. 

Back to the point is I was leaving work and my mother had STILL said nothing about my son's bday.  She had asked me about it 2 days before, but I was thinking she had forgotten.  I said as I left early that "gotta get going to my other job so I can leave it early to get home for Joe's bday".  My mom said, "of course, I will give a call later".  Not exactly that good.  Especially since last year she had completely forgotten his bday until I reminded her two days later and she apologized and of course sent a gift

I got home, and my son was in complete meltdown cause he wanted to play tennis with my wife who was tired from painting, and putting stuff up in his bedroom, and it was 5pm in Texas.  He was also upset, because were wer also going to go buy him a computer desk he liked at Ikea, but Ikea is 1 hour away in non-rush hour traffic... so we were saying my wife would pick it up in the morning at ikea and have it ready for him when he got home. 

HE was most pissed cause he didnt want to go to school Friday though.  He was completely melting down, basically like a BPD episode.  I was at a loss.  Of course, my wife then brings up "did your mother remember joe's bday"...

I said "she said she was going to call and she had mentioned a couple of days before about its o I assume she remembered. "  wife asks "no card sent home"  I say "i do not know if she knows what is going on or if we are having a party.  you had told me not to discuss kids with her, and of course, you two do not talk"

Wife let into me... I went outisde to back yard sitting in grass crying.  I then went inside and texted my mother "honestly mother, did you forget Joe's bday".  She replied 20 min later to my wife and my cell phone to tell joe happy birthday.  By this time i was upstairs in my bathroom crying.  My wife was berating me telling me "you never stand up for this family.  You never protect us and this is why I am leaving you.  I do not love you like I used to.  You are a coward, and a pussy".  Over and over and over.  She sees my mom texts then accuses me of lying/  I told her I was checking to make sure, because it was odd she did not send a card if she did remember.

For three hours, she called me pathetic, and weak, and not a man.  She told me how other men would stand up for her.  How we are over.  She told me to do stuff and threatened if I did not she was going to take the kids. 

Finally she went to sleep.  I took a prescribed xanax and went to bed.  She then got up at 2 am and started berating me again. 

Cursing at me, telling me i am horrible.  I didnt get up for work.  It just did not seem to matter.  It was still, we are over, i am a coward, I never do anything.  How she is doing everything and I am just crying... . now past 3 nights she went to bed at 6 pm while I fed kids and did dishes, etc.  I told my mother that I am unreliable.  I need to be fired.  Everything I am around is going to ___.

My mother says, she has to have court docs in and needs my help.  My wife keeps calling me telling me to go to work, or she will leave. 

What could I have done differently?  My mother outside of work, is in none of our lives!  Should I have blasted her?  I am not for sure she forgot Joe's bday. 

Does that really do any good?  Should my wife be pissed at me over that?  She then told me she never would have gotten the computer if she had known it would cost $1400 which I told her!  She also spent $500 behind my back last week on clothes for herself because her friend let it slip.  She is constantly spending money and last thing I bought for myself was 9 months ago, a pair of shoes...

What did I do wrong?  Is there anything I could have done differently?  What should I have done about my mother?  I just do not want to fight everyone

My wife said I never stood up for her during an abortion.  The doctor was 80 years odl and mid way through went crazy, verbally assaulting my wife.  My wife says no other man would have stood by and done nothing.  I was scared too... he was the only doctor there and this was a medical procedure, do I attack him while that is going on and does she bleed out?  I just tried to be comoforting.  Afterwards I tried to say some words to him but my wife went off being ballastic which was reasonable and i didnt interrupt.  I filed a grievance with the medical board...

My wife seems to think I shoul dhave assaulted the guy or done more.  I mean if I assaulted a 80 year old man, that is serious jail time, how would that help?

What is wrong with me.  I sat around 2 hours today with a knife comtemplating suicide.  I couldnt get teh balls to do it.  Ive ruined my job now.  I am about to lose it.  My family is gone.  Am I wrong?  What is it im doing wrong?  I just do not want to be wrong and hurt people?  I want to pick up this shotgun beside me, but my wife says im too scared of hell to do it.  nearly daring me

What do I do?  what do i do?  I just dont want to be wrong.  If she is wrong, I ll divorce her, but im about to lose everything

Wow you have really been going through a lot. Is there any way for you to take a break from all of this? You are not wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, you are just living with someone who is very hard to live with. No matter what you do, she is going to find something to go off about. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how she feels and her disorder. It isn't your responsibility to make sure that your mother remembers your sons Birthday. You going off on your mother, or that doctor wouldn't have done any good for you or your wife. Yelling at people is not a good way of dealing with problems. If only our BPD spouses knew that. My husband gets onto me about the very same thing. He always says that I don't stick up for him. When really there wasn't anything to stick up for. He just sees things in a distorted way.

It sounds like you really need a break, have you ever considered seeing a therapist on your own? It can be very helpful to get out of the FOG. The way your wife behaves is not your fault, she just wants to blame her feelings on someone and that someone becomes you. It doesn't mean that it's true though. It's time to take care of you. 

I have seen psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, marriage counselors... all of them since I was 5.  I was diagnosed with OCD back then and have been in therapy ever since.  I am basically told the same things, but I cannot accept it all in my head.  I think its somewhat a back mixture of my OCD and own issues that are really torked up.  My psychiatrist has been pushing for at least theuraputic seperation, but I can call he thinks its all toxic.  He has kind of given up hope and trying to focus on helping me deal with it or get time for self.  I just cannot do it.  I am sick too.  My wife sees me as whacko.  I mean my OCD is minor. When I met her my whole house, car, everything was an OCD zone.  Now I have it limited to a 4x4 foot area of my home that I ask they all leave alone.  The rest of my house is a disaster area.  Food, crap everywhere.  My kids and wife are slobs.  Not to mention she tore out all the carpet upstairs wanting to re do it.  I do not say a word about it and she is more upset over it than me, but I am teh crazy one with OCD ...

I am tired.  I do not have the strength to kill myself, but I pray for an aenursym at night and during day.  I do not have the strength to fight back.  I now just sit there and do nothing, taking it.

Last night she told me to stop crying or she would do something really bad to me, she came walking over, and I cried more.  It wasnt on purpose, but it wasnt because of fear or more sadness.  I think i did it to get to her more because I was hoping she would bash my skull in.  She just hurled a cell phone at my head though... not enough force to do anything...

I beg her to tell me to kill myself... I wonder if that would finally give me the strength

Have you ever tried going to a group therapy, do you have any friends or family you could spend some time with? I really understand if that is not something you can do. My husband pretty much makes me miserable if I try to have time for myself. I know what you are going through, I have felt crazy and like I was hanging by a thread. The mornings where the alarm clock goes off and you just dread waking up because you don't want to deal with the insanity that is BPD. You need to change something though, I know it is hard to make the choices, but you are not happy. You are severely depressed and I can only imagine that living with your wife has caused your mental health to deteriorate. Mine certainly has living with my husband. If you leave to take a break what is the worst that could happen. You don't have to wait for your wife to agree with you about the break, you can take it without her consent. It doesn't really seem like it could get much worse for you at this point. If anything, you are contemplating suicide, you could check yourself into a mental hospital. Not a great option but it would give you a break from your life and allow you some separate time apart from your wife. If only for a few days.

well... she was calling me during work day again.

i told her i would have to call her back... she asked me if my mother had even brought my son a bday card.  she had, but i couldnt talk cause we were preparing some legal docs. 

Finally i told her I will have to call her back.

Mom stood up, fired me.  Said she that i spend too much time dealing with my wife and not enough time working

I got my stuff and left.  Called my wife back to started in on me.  I was pretty upset.  I told her YES she did bring a card, and then told her she should be happy because she just cost me my job.  She always hated my mother and wanted me to do something different... i told her its pretty evil of her to want that.  She has had so many problems finding her calling and here i had a job that was enabling me to make 6 figures, AND with a future of triple pay... and because I could not keep her off my phone... i just lost it

you would say, turn your phone off, but i get alot of customer calls on that line. 

You would say just silence her calls, but I have gotten 81 consecutive calls before from her. 

So, I pretty much feel like i have lost my family both immediate, and parents... and my job.  I have a ___ ton of bills thanks to my BPD wife (when we met I had tons of cash in the bank, now I have tons of debt).  I pretty much said I did not want to hear from her, and i was going to drive off and not sure what I would do.  She pretty much then echoed me saying that i was so mean to her, and that one or both of us is going to end up dead out of this. 

So, here i am... at a different office I have access too... typing this here.  I really do not want to live now.  I have no future... . everything i worked towards is gone.  My wife says she now hates me and wants nothing to do with me...   She might have harmed herself. 

Things are pretty bad...

Hi hurthusband

It's no wonder you are feeling bad with what you are going through.  I'm so sorry to hear things are so tough for you.  You really need to do something to look after yourself right now.

Is there somebody you could go and stay with?

HurtHusband:

Do you hear yourself clearly as I have : " My wife says she now hates me and wants nothing to do with me...   She might have harmed herself. "

You continue to let your mind going wild over what she might do to herself. That is exactly what she wants you to feel so that she can continue to beat you up verbally, psychologically and yet you will come back to her for more pain and suffering.

Nothing you can do for her. You must be responsible for your own actions and she must be responsible for her own actions.

Like I alluded in an earlier post to you, that staying in limbo is the worst of all things because it will slowly kill you with stress and uncertainty. I have outlined some of the steps you can do to convince you and your mind about what actions you need to take. did you have a chance to read it?

Things will not change unless you tell yourself " ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". Are you there yet?

I think that Onceconfused is right.

And I'm concerned that you have been contemplating suicide, knife-in-hand. I think that a therapist would want you to be hospitalized as a first step. Then you can begin your recovery fresh.

I know that leaving is probably what is best for me.  at same time, I cannot help but feel sorry for her

I know my leaving her will break her... .  She can barely keep it together now and has no way of supporting herself.

I know that she will also lash out in pain and try and damage me and those around me as much as possible because in her mind retribution is always near.  It is almost like she cannot forgive unless somebody pays.  

It means that I will have to fight and be nasty and essentially destroy her in order to protect myself.  I do not want to do that.  In a way things are like we both have a gun pointed at each other.  I know she is going to pull the trigger if I put the gun down.  The other option is I can pull the trigger and save myself, killing her.  I just cannot do it... even if it means I am doomed

At this point, I am trying to work ahead and salvage what I can.  I cannot say I feel that odds are in my favor.  When I say salvage, I mean work wise, and financially... kids etc.  She has completely shut down.  I slept in my car last night.  I went to check on her after her cryptic messages earlier and no response when call about 11 pm to make sure she was ok.  If I told her family that she had a gun to her head and was going to pull the trigger, they would just shrug because it would be an inconvenience.  They are that kind of people. 

So I checked, and she was alive but passed out on sleeping meds.  Of course, was rude, but I left. 

She has kids sent away... one just had his bday on Thursday and wants to play with his new things. I feel I should take him home... at same time I do not know...

She literally oscillates from realizing what she has done and crashing to believing everyone is out to get her...   that is pretty much how her family operates though.  They trash everyone and act like everyone is crazy.  They also put down everyone they can including their own children.  They ingrained in her paranoia.  They disgust me honestly.

It does not mean it excuses my wife's behavior, but its sickening that they can enjoy their life and continue to torture their own children...

They are like people who starve their dogs then unleash their dogs on others.  They did not care that those dogs maimed others or the chaos they wrought.  The dogs had no say, but they are ruined now

Hurthusband:

Do you hear yourself making excuses again? -- "I know my leaving with break her... . "

Again, she has survived before you even showed up in her life and trust me, she will survive after you.  As adults, we are responsible for our actions. She has no ways of supporting herself, not because of you or anyone else, it is because of her own actions or lack thereof.

One of the key strategies of BPD is to shift the blame of their own problems onto their SO. In this case, she has shifted her own problem onto you. That is exactly how BPD controls you, by making you feel so guilty.

Even her own family did not move at her predicaments, which tells me that they all know her too well.

Please read the post I wrote to you in another post about ways to disengage. I shared with you how I disengaged from the xBPDgf.

Yea, I been working on that.  Saturday, I went back to the house, only because our son was at grandparents and wanted to come home to play on his new computer I was setting him up.  It was his bday 2 days before which started all of this.  So i picked him up and we went shopping for a computer desk and worked together getting everything set up while she just sulked in room.  Occassionally coming out to make a jab at me or be mean. I totally just said "ok".  I let her know it has nothing to do that I do not care about how she feels or the situation, but anything I say or do to defend myself or say how much I do care will only lead to more arguing so that I am just going to work on this with our son.  If she wants a divorce fine, I love her, but this is not healthy for either of us and needs to end one way or another.

She did not like that, but I just stayed and did my stuff with kid.

Next morning, she was a bit snarky, but we had some more to do as the wifi was not good at all, so we went to get supplies to get it better, and did some stuff around house that needed to be done.  By end of the day, she was not apologetic, but was being civil and kind.  I still kept my distance.

Today she is apologetic.  I told her I do not know if we will make it as I am sure she does.  I said I believe we *can* make it, but that kindness and understanding has to be involved in that.

Part of me is thinking the damage she has done, I should leave her.  I should leave the whole situation.  Nothing will probably change.  I believe if I change, and become more disengaged and caring what she thinks, it will change her, but I am not so sure I can.  That is my big fear and maybe I should leave because maybe I cannot disengage, but I am just trying to not be close to her and handle my business and make up for the damage what I can. 

Focus on kids and my work.  I know it will not be fun nor pleasant around her for awhile, but maybe after I focus on those things and pass home time, i will get more comfortable at home and able to enjoy things too

and she gets a DWI last night... .

hurthusband,

This might be an opportunity for you to handle family issues differently than you have in the past, when you appear to have tried to fix all your wife's problems by yourself. In a previous post (May 13) you have written:

my wife cheated on me.  Told me she did even... three times in fact.  Took her back every time.  . . .

my wife on pills and drunk one night lost her engagement ring, broke into a house, vandalized it, came home with a noose around her neck and busted the oil pan on her car.  I went and paid for the damages even though the people had no clue or idea who did it to the home.  

my wife attempted suicide.  I rushed her to the hospital and she ended up in a facility for a week.  . . .

my wife attempted suicide a second time.  Kids found her.  

my wife physically abused me, basically cost me my job, then said we needed to have a joint suicide after also busting up 2 cars."  

How do you want to handle things this time after the learning you have been doing on this forum?

Hurt, hopefully this will be the catalyst for change.  Perhaps you can set a boundary that your wife either goes for rehab (and make sure it is one that treats addiction and personality disorder) or it is time for you to separate?  Have you been to Alanon?  Really, this sounds like a dangerous situation and I hope that you can protect yourself and the children.  Having been in your shoes, sort of, I know how hard it is to finally make that stand.  Living with an actively addicted BPD is a living hell.

Hi. I've been following your post. I admire you for trying to make things work with your wife, but when is enough enough? Until you respect yourself, set boundaries and start sticking up for yourself, nothing is going to change. It seems to me when you do stick up for yourself, then your wife plays the victim saying you are being mean. Well dammit, if putting your foot down is deemed mean in her mind, oh friggin well! Maybe then she'll start respecting you! This is utterly ridicuoulus that you allow her to bully you daily. Man up.

Of course, I contacted a lawyer and bailed her out.  When she got out, I basically laid it out what is ahead.  How everyone had warned her of these consequences.  She started to get upset and start saying she is bad and worthless etc, etc.  That she has really messed up her life.  I just told her, that she is not a bad person, but her actions are not responsible ones. That while she has messed up her life, she needs to also think about who she has messed up things for around her.  She has not learned to deal with her own emotions and face her demons and hard times, and that has led to alot of this and she needs to deal with it.  I told her, that I have no clue how to handle all of this, and I really do not care to be ultra supportive and make the draining effort to build her esteem back up while I am left to deal with this.

She asked if the lawyer was good or too old... After second questions, I just said "look, we had to contact a lawyer immediately.  If you want a different lawyer, that is fine, but you go find one."

She started to get emotional and a bit irritable, and I just said "not dealing with this" and started heading to the door to leave.

I am telling her she is talented and innately good... she is acting and saying the right things.  At same time, this is a real gut punch.  I really do not have the patience which i told her to give any real sympathy on this.   This was her mistake... again...

I told her that we probably need to sit and make agreements on what will happen with a divorce because I am for sure not going to sit and deal with anything else.  I am not for sure I will deal with this.  If she wants to leave, I told her fine... I will help to a degree with this DWI, but I do not want to deal with this.

I told her that I did not tell her family, not because I am trying to hide it from them, and I will not, but because they have only contributed to this and do not deserve to be part of my family.

I am not sure really if I am still being too sympathetic and outside of divorcing her right now, and kicking her to the curb, anything is truly right.  In the end, if I stay, I am going to pay pretty good for this.  Maybe this does make a 180, but she certainly does not deserve me to still stay if it does this late in the game.  I certainly am not so sure that for dignity sake, I should even stay and see

I cannot say I really feel sorry for her at this point.  I will not tell her she is worthless or a ___ty person, and will tell her she is not and she is talented and good, but she is a fool and acting stupidly.  I am just going to be blatantly honest.  She talked about how she wanted to die rather than deal with this, and it would mean I wouldnt if she did.  I told her that just hurts the kids.  She needs to figure another way to make it right.

Hurt, so no talk of rehab?  No AA meetings?  No therapy?  Really?

hurthusband,   |iiii. I think you have done the very best thing possible here:


Not only is this being a good citizen (not covering for her dangerous actions) but it will allow her now to choose (within the parameters of what the state will require) the type of therapy and legal process that comes next. Letting her find a different attorney, if she wants one, is a fine first step.

Hang in there and be strong now for the next few days. Keep posting here and listening to the advice of advisors like waverider, who know just what you are experiencing.

I did not talk about that because that is a given.  I mean she is going to have to get into some sort of alcohol program AND rehab just to help her out with her case.  She blew a breathilizer so she is pretty much convicted no matter what she does, but if she talks about being mentally handicapped and now seeking treatment, it could get the charges dropped to a misdeanor so she does not have a felony conviction which would mean she cannot hold any license or certification in the state of Texas.  ie no teaching and with an Art degree that can be a big one. 

I mean it is still going to end up probably costing about $18k when its all said and done, I am sure they will make the therapy and AA not voluntary but mandatory.  She very well may get a breathilizer in her car with a suspended license for like 90 days. 

Usually first offenses in Texas are suspended license for 90 days, breathlizer for 3 years (at a cost of $10 a day), $3k a year payment to the State, rehab, other surcharges, and of course your insurance tripling for 3 years.

Basically, between all of this and therapy, MY cost of living just went up about $2k a month.  Oddly enough I do not feel sorry at all for what she has to go through.  DWI is not some BPD result, its stupidity.  I mean we all have probably driven when we should not have, but she has pushed the limits too many times

Hurt,

hang in there man! 

Please find some time for yourself.  Examine patterns in your behavior.  Try to leave your wife out of this examination... . I know they are linked... . but try.

Then... . if you want your life to be different... . you have choices to make about your behavior.

I am not saying any of this is your fault... . but it is critical that you understand what you control... and more importantly what you don't.

You can't change everything at once... . but if you don't start with something... . things will never change.

I suspect you wife does not have the capacity to do so.

Hang in there!  This will be hard but you can do it.

Oh, I certainly hope so.  I know an attorney would recommend it in Texas but not sure what her response would be to that.  Dealing with the consequences of our spouses addiction sucks!  Hang in there and take care of yourself through this stressful time.

HurtHusband:

Your wife is just like my xBPDgf, who goes from one crisis to the next. Again, I reiterate that we are responsible for our actions and who and where we are today is the accumulation of everything we have done.

Where she is today is totally of her own accord and will. DOn't blame yourself for her mishaps...

Wayne Dyer said it well, "YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON"T HAVE". I think BPD is incapable of loving because they don't love themselves (even they are selfish). You cannot make them love themselves as they have to see the needs for that self love.

Do you have an exit strategy? If you don't please have one soon, very soon I mean.

whew... hectic past few days. 

I can see her trying at least...   although, I would like it faster.

Friday and Saturday I was pretty cold to her and she was trying to be nice, civil, and pleasant, and I just kept my distance, explained I was frustrated and I was not kind.  This of course lead to her feeling that things were hopeless.  Sunday I woke up and kind of figured... if she is trying... I cannot just swing to the other end of the spectrum and be all about myself... even if it is warranted.  Kind of shock to her so I was kind and things are better in that respect.  She is still been a bit moody for a bit during days but she has been trying to be supportive

She isnt going to AA which I wish she would, but she is really averse to the whole religious elements to it and she feels she isnt an alcoholic, but really just a BPD mental mess who will use anything as a crutch.  That being said though, she HAS gone back into therapy and is going to the recommended twice a week.  I suppose that is a start.  She hasnt touched a drop of alcohol. 

She has been more supportive and caring of me than she was, I mean it is still not the the level a spouse should be but I suppose it is a start.  They did not suspend her license and her bail was a tad lower than it should have been so things are going ok there relative to what they could be.

On the other hand, I am breaking apart.  I am just overwhelmed.  The whole consequences of the DWI and what is upcoming, has me completely scared.  The problem is other problems that have come up since then

a. A/C went out... . this is not exactly what I was hoping for right now in a Texas summer.  With already my credit cards stretched thin and a DWI situation... this is not a fix I want to handle

b. Got a $2900 medical bill that was unexpected

That rolled into the fact that my wife and I have to go to Austin to meet with the medical board about the incident that really started all of the recent stuff.  A year ago a doctor verbally assaulted her during a medical procedure, lunged at her and had to be held back by staff after he then tried to get in her face after the procedure and further scared her.   Since that, her sleep is completely messed up with nightmares, and her trust in me has been shot because I had no clue what do really do.  A doctor in a medical procedure... do you get mad at the guy? stop the guy?  He was 80 years old so you cannot really hit the guy without going to jail yourself.  Really really messed up deal, and have to go over it again with a Medical Board is not pleasant.

Therapy is good, but on other hand, that is an extra $1k a month in bills.

So she is trying to do the best she can in a horrible situation, but the situation is a real avalanche

HurtHusband:

I think the incidence with the doctor is just another sign of how BPD gets into crisis after crisis.  You can put the blame on the doctor but deep inside I believe your BPD did do something to make the doctor mad.

My xBPDgf put me in crisis mode after crisis mode. If not this than that ... The crisis mode did not seem to stop . My head went from being very peaceful before her, to a state of confusion, anxious, fearful, did not know when the other shoes was going to drop. I went from being in control of my life (I run a very successful business) to like a lost child in the jungle.

ONe of the things that is so scary about BPD is that they will act so nice to you, making you think the storm is now over and the sun will shine on your r.s, then bamp her BPD stuffs resurfaced and I again went into the abyss.

Hurthusband, don't be fooled by her recent sweet mood, which apparently led you to believe that things will be better.

THings might be better , but only for a moment. BPD don't change over night, if that is the case then we don't need this forum at all. They change only if they and they only want to change

you make it sound pretty hopeless

I saw the doctor, the nurse was crying over it

Hurthusband:

Was my r/s with xBPD HOPELESS or not? I don't really know because I did not stay long enough to extend my suffering. 9 months was MORE THAN ENOUGH.  Do I wish that I stay longer ? NO and NO and No. The reality of it is (1) I am happily married now with a beautiful woman who is what xBPD is not, and (2) the xBPD still is single after 7 years, despite her being a very attractive woman, highly educated and making well over 6 figures. She still cannot be with someone for more than 6 months, - why , why and why --- the answer is her BPD, my friend.

To stay or to leave is our own personal decision. Like I keep asking you - WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? Only you can answer that.

REmember, to have a happy relationship, the 2 partners have to accept each other as being truly who she/he is, and not trying to change their partner. 

is your wife accepting you as who you are or she expects you to be someone else ? .

DO you accept her as who she is with all of the BPD stuffs and not trying to change her to a NORMAL wife ?

One nuance to think about here... . on the one hand we shouldn't be trying to "change" the other spouse.  We should accept them as who they are.

When a person has a PD... . who they are is masked... . and comes out later. 

I definitely have the feeling of "false advertising"... .   In that case I feel like there should be pressure for her to change or "deal with" the issues she brings to the table.

Thoughts?

hope this make sense.

Sorry to hear about the DWI, this latest wrinkle.  She could have killed someone.  Killed them.  I hope it does get her forced into AA and stuff, and I wonder if you are secretly thinking maybe this will make things better.  Not sure if it will or won't.  You keep being the hero who bails her out.  You are a good person.  I don't have more advice to offer, but kindly set boundaries as usual, and know your limits.  Hang in there buddy.  You are really trying.

Well for me, I think it is unfair to ask somebody to change, but in any relationship you can ask for compromise on things.  Everyone needs to do some things differently.  I suppose as to what needs to be changed is a question of their behavior, or their core beliefs, or their core personality. 

I do not think you can demand somebody to change...

As far as what I expect of my wife, I only expect to be treated with respect or how you would treat somebody you just met.  That is all.  I think we all have innate rights.  Her change in treating me like that took place after being together 10 years.  Also, the mask thing is a good point.  It is a bit of false advertising. 

I do not expect my wife to ever be perfectly sane or rational. 

Hey... . I'm not arguing "with" you... . I think this is a great thought to flesh out.

If it is wrong to ask someone to change... . is it also wrong to ask them to NOT change.

So... . when after years of normal behavior... . the PD rears it's head... . I think it reasonable to ask them to "stay normal"... . or... . do do what it takes to get back to normal.  I'm not seeing that as asking them to change.

Not really sure if I explained my point as well as I wanted to... . thoughts?  I can try to explain again if needed.

FormFlier:

Good question for thought.

Say your BPD is false advertising by being so nice during the courtship phase but then turn to the real BPD after we got hooked.  in reality , Do we all put our best foot forward in the courtship phase so as to attract the other person ? SO we cannot blame BPD for it, that is just the way life works.

So the real us will show up after the initial phase of the courship  and the 2 are in a relationship NOW. The real issue here is how to keep the relationship going otherwise the r/s will end.

To make the r/s last way beyong the initial phase, both parties have to make the other person feel loved. That begs the questions , how do I make you feel LOVED and how do you make feel LOVED.

Do you feel LOVED when you are yelled at, are made to walk on eggshells ? No you are not. Of course, we are all imperfect in some ways. If your imperfection becomes my pet-peeve than either you have to change or we split. BUt if I accept your imperfection than we can go on.

Back to your question of "I feel like there should be pressure for her to change or deal with the issues she bring to the table".  SO what happens if she does not want to change, then what ? You can continue to pressure her but one day it will blow up. So why go there when you know the end result is not what you want.

WOuld it be simpler and better for both, if you just say , Enough is enough, and move on, instead of trying to put a square peg into  a round hole (because in the end, both will be damaged)

Hmmmm... . very... . very good points and things to consider.

I'm going  to continue on my train of thought about why pressure on a pwBPD to change or "deal with it" is appropriate.

Also... in my situation... . change came at around 14-15 years into marriage.  I saw some "hints" before... . but... by and large there are two huge phases of my marriage.  Before the BPD traits... and after. 

Saying that for all to understand that in my case it was not an example of being nice in courtship and then the real me comes out.


Also... . fairly early on we did the love languages... . and figured out how each of us likes to show and feel loved.  We refined that over the years... . and it works very well... . for a non PD person... . and even for a PD person that is not dysregulated...  

However... in my case... . this also armed her with knowledge of what I really cared about.  So when she started her rages and accusations... . she knew what to go for to get a reaction.  And... . she got one... .

That started a slow decline... . ups and downs along the way... but the trend line was no good.  Then I found out about BPD... . and things are a bit up in the air... . to slightly hopeful at the moment.  She is now in therapy.

Your reasoning about why put pressure on them is fine if it is "just" your relationship that matters.  I have 8 kids with this person that I think "changed" on me.

And... unless she changes back... I am in the stance that I think she will do long term harm to our children. 

Not theoretical... . while under her care our 1 year old was in a public road... . (while uBPDw is in the yard with kids)... . and one of the "changes" that she has brought to our relationship is that she... and she alone gets to decide when our children get to be spanked.  In this case, while in a rage, she spanked a 6 year old for allowing a 1 year old to get in the road.  Also got after 8 and 11 yr olds.

So... I know that kind of veered away from our discussion... but in my case... . the reason WHY has less to do with her actions on my relationship with her... . but the impact of her on our kids.

It would be simpler if she would just leave me and our children alone if she doesn't want to change... . but that doesn't seem to be an option.

Hey... the tone of my answer seems to be more harsh that I intended... but no nice way to put my feelings/thoughts out there.

Flier:

People will change only, when:

1. the pain of staying is more than the pain of changing. For example, if you are obese, but you will not change your habit of eating or exercise, because the pain of doing nothing is much less compared to the pain of being disciplined - exercise regularly, watch your diet.

2. they encounter a moment of satori, or enlightenment, or some significant event. For me, the moment of enlightenment is the shock of losing my wife to a car accident and seeing her lying on the ER room, lifeless. I realized in a way that God was giving me another chance to live and yet to live FULLY. From that point on , I became a calmer person, much more tolerant and trying to be in the moment. I strive for a simpler life. SO when the xBPDgf created all these turmoils in my mind and my life, I instead of trying to change her , I just left. (Mine was much simpler than yours with the children).

Imagine you see this beautiful rose bush which you want to grow in your yard. But as you get closer to cut a rose, its thorns prickle you. You then try to get a metal file to cut all of the thorns off. Well, what will the rose bush look next year?  with or without thorns? Of course, the rose bush will grow again with its thorns, that what a rose bush does. So you can choose to have a beautiful rose bush which will not let you near or would it be simpler if you chose a white daisy bus which is less vibrant but you don't have to worry about being cut every time you get near.

So what can your wife change? She will need a moment of satori. The sad part is that many BPD believe they are NOT the problem, their NONs are the problem. Thus, BPD see no needs for them to change.

Very insightful... . thanks.

She has been quite open about me being the problem.

Remains to be seen if the spanking incident and DSS will be the insightful moment that you describe... . or if she is going through the motions.

I think there is a chance that she is considering change.  The has gone to a T several times now.  Before she has refused to do this (for years... )

So... this is a positive step.

Thanks again for the insight... keep it coming.

Reading the posts ... .

I have a feeling you are getting better ... .

May God Bless Buddy

   

all very interesting... I think the main thing is while asking them to possibly change in some ways may or may not be reasonable...

we can ultimately only change ourselves and if not happy leave...

although that is so hard to detach.  Especially when some of us have been in relationships for years and have lives entangled...

I am not so sure on how this works then

I agree that the only person we can change is ourselves.  One of these ways is with boundaries on what we will tolerate.  I cannot force my husband to get help (he is currently getting a lot of help) BUT I can say that I won't be in our marriage without recovery for both of us.  Fortunately, his recovery work from addictions includes treatment for BPD.  I do not define what he needs to do in his recovery work, that is between him and his therapist.  Thank goodness this therapist understands his issues quite well, both the addiction and personality disorder. I have gotten to the point that I can detach with love over this, yet still have it as a  boundary for being in the marriage.  If I get angry over it, it has the opposite effect that I am looking for. I do have to radically accept that he is extremely emotional and I need to be validating, instead of expecting that to change.  He is improving but I can't expect that he will ever function fully like a nonBPD.

Here is a question...

So my wife got a DWI last week... needless to say the whole thing is terrifying me.  It is actually worrying me more than her I have no doubt even though she is nervous. 

Yesterday, I saw a friend who I also work with on occasion.  We were talking and I told him about the DWI.  I just feel the weight of the whole thing and he tells me everything with him and we have cried together etc.  I just talked to him on it. He explained he had 3 himself and what happens.  He was caring...

I was talking to my wife today about him having 3 DWIs and she asked me if I had told him.  I did not want to lie and I said yes.  She did not become beligerent, but was VERY upset over it.  She was saying that I humiliated her and cared more about finding out what to do about this to help myself financially or emotionally rather than protecting and caring about her privacy and dignity.  I do not think I can argue with that on why I talked to him.  I just feel alone...

Was I wrong in talking to him?  They have not seen each other in 3 years since our wedding.

She says "your therapist is who you talk to".  I agree with that, but I do not see him for weeks, and honestly now that she is back in therapy, I do not think I can afford it for myself.  Already spending nearly $3k a month in healthcare needs for her and health insurance...

Was I wrong?

I would just say that secrecy is a aspect of alcoholism.

I don't thing you were wrong.  That seems like a bit of a strong word and plays right into pwBPD thinking.  Black/white... . wrong/right... . etc etc

I would think a better way to approach it is to think about good/better/best.

A better thing might have been for you to take the knowledge that you gained and use it to benefit your family... . but not let your wife know where you got it... . or that you had an conversation about her.

On the other hand... . directly lying (and getting caught) would probably not be helpful in a r/s with a pwBPD. 

There is no way to ever figure out everything that is ok to talk about and what is not ok to talk about.  Just do the best you can and move on.

I know my uBPDw is sensitive about her driving and taking care of vehicles.  Yet... . when I saw a dent on our van the other day I blurted out "what happened"... . before I could think about it.  I don't think it turned out to be a bad thing.

yea... she is pretty upset and hurt.  She is trying not to blow up at me, but like last night she keeps saying she doesnt think I care or value her.  Of course, my thing is if I am willing to go through all of this that should be proof.  The fact I fall asleep at 11 pm at night while we are laying in bed and she is on her phone I do not think necessarily means I do not care... its why I ask we talk on the sofa. 

She was upset that I did not speak up more when my mom and her were speaking last night, and all ic ared about was eating... . truthfully, they were posed towards each other both with back towards me, and did not ask my opinion at any point nor really allowed any pause for me to say anything.  I know interrupting my wife is a means to upset her.  Also the topic is one that I do not know if my wife views me as a villian or on her side so I am scared to mention anything and cause more grief

Hey... . this is right out of my uBPDw playbook.  As i started using limits... . SET and the rest of the tools.  This did get better.  You are in charge of what you care about... . not her.  Then she will try to say she is not trying to tell you how you feel... . just how she "thinks" you feel.  Squashing this will go a long way to improving quality of life... .

Don't do anything drastic... . just think about best way to respond when she says things like this.  Come up with strategy and stick to it for several weeks to see if there is improvement.

DO NOT try to convince her that you care or she is wrong. 




This is right out of the playbook as well.  There are bajillions of articles that say the bedroom should be for intimacy, conversation... . etc etc.  Not watching TV or being on phone... especially when the other spouse is present.  Maybe this could be approached with a "honey do you think a mutually agreed on boundary for the bedroom would improve our relationship" talk?  Again... let others weigh in and think on this before trying to put this in place.



You were three for three today.  I just quit listening to complaints like this.  I'm not a mind reader.  If she wants to come up with a discrete signal that you need to enter a conversation... . that would be great... . but no mind reading.

So draining dealing with this stuff.  Problem is I do feel guilty about saying anything to anyone and it almost gives her the upper hand.  O well, guess just try and SET it out...

Hurt:

You weren't wrong.

It does not matter what you say or do, BPD can always put the blame on you. That is why the term, WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, applies here.

FOr me, it got to the point that I was so afraid to share something with the xBPD because that would be used to attack me later. I became very superficial with the xBPD, and only talked about the non-essential stuffs/issues.

I guess you can SET it out or whatever, but is that really how you want to have in a r.s? . Always in a defensive posture. Are you happy with being constantly watching over your shoulder?

In a r.s. you should be able to share things and not being fearful of retribution.

What we have with BPD is NOT RELATIONSHIP. it is more like a master/slave situation where the nons is expected to behave like a docile dog. THe dog keeps on coming back even after being abused.

This is absolutely true!

There is nothing wrong with talking with a friend especially someone who had a similar situation.  You are allowed to reach out for support and advice from friends or family... . You are allowed to consider yourself, your needs, your feelings... . you matter too!  As much as this is happening to your spouse, it is happening to you too and it is very stressful.

Take care of yourself.

all of this also is coming to a head because this week we have to go before the medical board this week to talk about an abortion where the doctor verbally and emotionally assaulted my wife... nearly physically.  she honestly did not even do anything, but make small whimper of pain when he snapped.  I was there and if he wasnt in the middle of it, I would have forcibly removed him.  Investigators investigated it and decided it needed to go before a medical board

The whole thing was bad enough because we had talked about a child but it seemed like at the time divorce was inevitable.  For the doctor to then go crazy and literally have the nurse in the room crying over what he was doing and the administrator to forcibly remove him after the procedure turned the whole thing into a something beyond a nightmare. 

That really sounds like a bad situation.  Abortion is traumatic enough, especially since (as you wrote before) she blames you for it (although it's not your fault)... . it's just a situation that causes enough emotional pain even without BPD, and even without a doctor flipping out.  That's terrible that your bad situation was compounded by that.

But maybe at least you will get this out of the way, face the pain together, and move on.  Not that there aren't a million other things to worry about, but maybe you will at least have to confront this and talk about it after.

Tiptoeing and covering things up only causes them to explode later. 

And hopefully this doctor won't put someone else thorugh this pain.

Hang in there, HH.  Maybe there is something good you can focus on after this week is over?  Even just buying yourself a favorite meal at a lunch place next week?  You really have way too much to bear in your life.  Wish there was someone who could provide comfort.

I just went back and read the post that started this thread.  So your mom forgot your stepson's b-day.  You can't be responsible for every little thing everyone does.  It did not mean you should have been verbally assaulted for one minute, nevertheless 3 hours.  It's not your responsibility to make everyone else do everything, be perfect, never make a misstep.  Your wife would have found something else to berate you for, if not that.  You did nothing wrong.  I think you should be taping this abuse so that you don't forget it.  Even just for yourself.  No one should be so emotionally battered on what should be a happy day and a celebration. You've spent thousands on gifts for her, bailed her out of a European trip that was her family's fault, etc.  

She's the one who doesn't stand up to her family - so she puts it on you because she's guilty.  Remember, with a BPD person, every accusation is a confession.  If she says you're a liar, she's probably lying.  If she says you don't stand up to your family, on behalf of your wife and SS, it's because she feels guilty that she doesn't stand up to HER Family.

I just really feel for you.  You are a good person.  Things will get better - I know you can't see that now - but they will. 

yea she likes my mom again... my mother went  out of her way to meet with her and discuss things with her... . they are okay now...

she just keeps going from saying we are good to we are not connected and she doesnt feel close to me... i tell her it must be hardt o deal with all of this and i want to try and have her feel that i am closer but if she does nto feel it she needs to find happiness even if not with me

You need to feel and find happiness too.

It must be a relief for her to be getting along with your mom again.

But I wonder if you are also waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some other thing to happen... . I hate that feeling... .

I still wish maybe her therapist could help you on this somehow.  or that you could see a therapist who would come up with a better way to deal with all this.  

basically in therapy its being told same things as her.  Take time for myself, do not take what she says personally and realize it is not true.  Even if what I do is somewhat selfish that is okay because nobody is perfect and we all need to do stuff or ourselves.  In addition, if we are doing what we feel right that is fine.  Most of that is because I refused the thought of divorce...

She was crabby last night.  Hyper critical of everything I said.  I kept trying to appeal to her sense of humor or talk with her etc.  Everything kept going wrong.  One joke I made was because I thought she was bad mouthing somebody, so I made a type of joke I know she usually laughs at.  She took offense to it and would not let that go.  I finally left saying I cannot handle the hypercriticism.  she of course said I need to divorce her.  I told her that I do not want a divorce, but if she wants one and feels it would be best for her I will support her.  I told her she needs to do what will bring her happiness and since she keeps saying I am at fault, then maybe divorce for her is the answer, but not me.  Came back late and went to sleep.

She started down the road on saying that she wanted the doctor to pay in some way and that would help her heal.  That she wanted him to know that he hurt her and transformed her for life, and wanting him to acknowledge that and maybe if his license was suspended or he paid financially that would happen.  I said that it is possible she might never get that out of him, and even if she did, revenge does not stop the pain.  To me that is what it sounded like.  To me, you gotta find peace and move past the incident and its all internal ultimately.  She said it wasnt revenge.  I understand she wants him to acknowledge it, but I just do not know that it will happen or that it will heal anything.

Somewhat same thing on how she blames me.  She talks about how doc tells her to learn compassion... and being compassionate to others will help her be compassionate to herself and not be angry and irritable and calm her to deal with other things... . I see her trying and it working in some aspects of life, but others... not so much.

I really just want a finality at this point.  I cannot expect her to get better instantly, but at same time, I cannot handle this over and over.  A divorce will not happen instantly neither... . things will be worse initially unless she agrees and I do not see that happening... I see that making me more unhappy short term too. 

Just need a break... she needs one too, but my break I need is from her mental issues.  That is same break she needs, but she cannot get that...

well... things got more complicated...

we get a call last night that her mother has thyroid cancer...   Cancer is never good, but at first glance it is most thyroid cancers are highly treatable.  The problem is that there is a form of the cancer that is highly untreatable too with a very very poor prognosis.  The scary part is she said the tumor had doubled in size and also spread to her shoulder all within a week.  Needless to say my wife is more shell shocked.

So to recap in past 6 weeks... she has had a car accident, dwi, a court hearing on what was probably the most traumatic event of her life, and her mother has cancer.  Now, that also means that I have been the sole support system, the fixer, and the punching bag for all of that. 

Two are her fault, two are random horrible chance, but when does it all stop... . I mean this is just unfair for all involved

 

Hang in there... . please focus on self care!

Yeah, thyroid is the best cancer to have (if there is such a thing).  Maybe all of these things will actually get her (and/or her mom) off your back a little?  Not exactly a permanent solution, but at least it's something.

What happened at the hearing for that doctor?

The doctor should be suspended so he doesn't hurt anyone else.  I agree with her on that.

"I told her that I do not want a divorce, but if she wants one and feels it would be best for her I will support her."

GOOD!  This takes away the manipulation.  Instead of her putting the burden, responsibility, and ultimately blame on you, turn it back on her.  If she wants a divorce, let her spend the money and do the work.

Clearly she doesn't want you to leave her.  If she thinks you're so terrible, she should leave.

I think if you got a separation, you could risk losing her, but she might also really try to get better.  But... . you just don't know.  Ultimately, it sounds like she has trouble controlling this.  And considering her parents, we know part of where it comes from... .

That doesn't mean you have to put up with criticism.  Give short answers.  If she wants a divorce, she should go get one.  The end.

we have to drive down there tommorow to give testimony before the attorneys and board.  She is dreading it and I think that is the root of all of this fighting.  She does not want to deal with it and face him again so its easier to just be mad at me and blame me for all of this.  If no abortion, no having the issue happen and no having to face this.  I mean I also booked the weekend for fun too, but it might not go well

Yesterday was going fairly well, but she asked that I go to her doctor with her.  I went and it did not go so well.  Basically the doctor said she was continually abusive to me in the session and that what she said I was saying, I was not actually saying.  I mentioned that I think she heaps the rage on me because she has learned from me letting it happen that it will be fine.  She says its like an addiction too to rage.

Basically she felt that the doctor and I were saying she was some monster and she was not happy.  That is not what we were saying, but its just any criticism is end of the world. 

Doc said really marriage counseling will not work at this time because she is just too abusive verbally and they gotta work on that. 

I just do not know.  I am tired...

Hang in there... . you have a bonus.  It seems like there are medical professionals that "see" what is going on.  Hang in there and keep pressing.

What are you doing for self care?  Please give us some details about how you take care of you.

doc and I and her talked about that... and safe place.  Still talking on it.  right now after work its pretty much dealing with kids and preparing for testimony and her mom with cancer so its hard to have any time. 

as far as retreat... she was basically being told she was unfair for not letting me retreat to my parents or some safe place.  as far as retreating to a room, i said a. she wouldnt leave me alone and b. why should i have to be confined to a room in my own house for safety

 

Maybe on a follow up to the dr... . he can write a "prescription" for what you are to do if/and when she rages.

That way she is "dealing with" his rule... instead of yours.

Might get some of the hate off you.

Do... you can say... . "honey... just following drs orders... . I"m going for a walk... going to my room... whatever"...

Was up til 130 am last night working to prep for board today and cause I went to a work function of hers.  She wouldn't let me sleep in same bed and was horrible this morning.  Saying heinous things about me.  I said nothing and still drove her to Austin 3.5 hours.  She finally apologized and we got it over.  It was very hard for her.  I congratulated her.  We then went back to hotel... The omni.  The pool wasn't what she wanted and she chalked it up to me being cheap and ocd.  She left.  She said she wants me to go home and leave her here in austin.  She says I'm a murderer cause of the abortion and I will burn in hell.  She says I'm a large part why she will die.  She says it's over and she is disgusted by me.  In a strange town.  Scared now.  Don't know what to do

Hang in there.  You know it's not you.  She is processing her own emotions... . badly... and they are spilling out on you.  Can you take a hot shower... . try to relax a bit.  Gather yourself and prepare to do some serious validation when you guys get back together.

I tried and she just kept on... we slept whole time.  She is just popping xanax.  We started driving home and she just kept in how I'm stupid and I'm a horrible person and a bad human and just kept in demanding and screaming at me so I pulled over.   I got out of the car saying I can't drive 3 hours listening to that and she drove off

That's awful :'( I'm so sorry that happened. It sounds to me that she was freaked out about whole doctor thing and took her stress out on you... . which is not okay and you did not deserve.

I'm also hearing sleep deprivation on your part. Maybe you could just take a break and stay in a hotel and get some sleep.  It's really hard to deal with any thing when your are worn out.

Please keep coming here too.  We have been there and care 

I've had to pull over and get out of the car several times myself.  She just wouldn't stop with the drone...

One time in heavy traffic... . it got to the point of being dangerous... . asking her to be quiet or help with directions was not working.

How did you get home?  I might say in the future that if you pull over to get out... you keep the keys... .

How did she end up driving off?  Did you give her keys or did she take them.

Hang in there... . how are you doing now. 

The vibe I'm getting from your posts is that you need to focus on self care!

I also want to congratulate you on the limit you set.  It looks like you decided that you will not be berated in a car for 3 or 4 hours... . and you did something about it.

Good job! |iiii

Does she still have a driver's license following the recent DWI arrest, or do any sanctions only enter into effect at the conclusion of her case?

I'm just wondering if some really fail-safe driving arrangements would be essential going forward. I think in my state, which now has only ":)UI," levels of Xanax in the blood would be factored in to any legal driving charges.

She has a temporary license still that they allowed.  I've had plenty of sleep.  In past 48 hours between be attacks I've slept 30 of the past 48 hours.  I will say I'll have nightmares about us that have hope in them but when I wake up I realize reality is worse than the nightmares. 

She finally came back then lit into me again.  I removed myself from can again and she made a scene and was a bit physical saying then we need to go before the police are called and get her.

Drove home and it was horrible.  Got our son and he disobeyed rules but she was so hard on him it made him and myself cry.  She upstairs now sleeping on xanax.  Talked a little about divorce... . She refuses to offer any legal custodial rights other than if they want to see you they can which I don't trust.  Going to see about meeting a lawyer tommorow.   I mean the behavior isn't fair at all and is psychotic frankly but somebody with BPD who then has to face the doctor who verbally abused her during a procedure, find out her mother has cancer both within a week on top of dealing with a dui,  albeit her fault, then dealing with the pressure of having no clue what to do with her life and a marriage on the rocks.  I don't know that a normal healthy person could handle it.  Home is quiet now... . Part of me is thinking about starting a project and something I would enjoy but if she gets up and angry over it... . it will destroy the whole project as I won't be able to concentrate and finish so maybe I shouldn't.   I told her it might be best if she goes and stays with her friend whose husband went on 2 year year biz trip.  She said I need ed do to go live with my mother but in a more sarcastic and demeaning way.  I know she dreads my mother knowing our problems.  

I don't want to hurt her.  She keeps saying I never anticipate needs... .  I feel badly but maybe it's cause I'm stuck reach to a wave of problems and any anticipation that is wrong gets me into more trouble.  At least I feel more options at home here.  

well got a number of an attorney... she is talking about possibly needed to go into inpatient help.

From what I have read, this really is not effective for BPD people, but she going to talk to her therapist and I figure she is more qualified than me to suggest this.

Personally, I think it would be best if she just moved out and left me with kids for 6 months or so... occasional visits... just to have alone time to reflect and work on herself along with no added stresses of kids to then work herself back into family...

She might be using the inpatient stay as a way to take a break, that's what my SO's uBPDex has occasionally done when things became too overwhelming.

Glad to hear about the Attorney.  Hope things cool down a little bit you've had a heck of a time.

last night she was pretty cold and snapped suddenly at some strange things.  She still wanted to meet with my mother though tonight... without me...

She then went to bed early and our kid was still out with grandparents.  She said to leave the room and do whatever I want and handle him.  So after 45 minutes, he came home, and i had him take a shower and clean up, then i got on my computer and did a little work and goofed off for about an hour and half.  Went to go to bed and she told me basically to sleep downstairs.  So I did.  At 3 am she comes in and asks me to come back to bed if i want.  SO i did, and she proceeded to get angry with me that I was on my computer while she was sleeping and hurting.

To which I said, if I was upset and in bed, you would still live life.  You told me to do whatever, and you would not let me in the room, so I did whatever.  Same story, I never care... I say if i did not care, I would not be still trying, and I am sure all she is going through is unimaginably hard, and I feel horrible she has all of this going on. 

I do not know where we stand...

She tells me today to go ahead and come with her to my moms tonight or to let my mom out of it if she wants.

My mom I guess was under impression it was all of us anyways, and was going to have her granddaughters bday tonight anyways which I know will infuriate my wife, total misunderstanding, but deadly for me.  Mom said she could meet with my wife on Thursday though...

Its like the BPD can see their own pain but oblivious to that of everyone else and everyone elses circumstances.  They are hurt and flawed, but others cannot be and will not be tolerated