What did I do wrong?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Yesterday was my step-son's birthday.  I had made plans albiet the busiest day of my work to take off early to get home to help celebrate it.

I do work at a family business.  The day started off with my wife being mean and nasty for no warranted reason. She called and apologized later.

That afternoon she was still moody and depressed.  She was getting my son's room ready and painted and set up for his birthday.  He was wanting a computer that was a pretty big gift for video gaming, so we talked it over and my computer was 6 years old and I had been talking about getting a new one for 3 years.  It is still vastly more powerful than anything we could get him for $600 so he said he would like my computer and I would get a new one... which I told my wife would cost about $1500, but I would attempt to build it myself so we could save a few hundred.  NEver had built a computer before.  I had always been hesitant to get a new computer cause our debt,but my business is all computer/internet based.

In any case, we were going ahead, she had been mad over me not spending more time with her cause my computer took me 6 hours to build correctly as I was new at it. 

Back to the point is I was leaving work and my mother had STILL said nothing about my son's bday.  She had asked me about it 2 days before, but I was thinking she had forgotten.  I said as I left early that "gotta get going to my other job so I can leave it early to get home for Joe's bday".  My mom said, "of course, I will give a call later".  Not exactly that good.  Especially since last year she had completely forgotten his bday until I reminded her two days later and she apologized and of course sent a gift

I got home, and my son was in complete meltdown cause he wanted to play tennis with my wife who was tired from painting, and putting stuff up in his bedroom, and it was 5pm in Texas.  He was also upset, because were wer also going to go buy him a computer desk he liked at Ikea, but Ikea is 1 hour away in non-rush hour traffic... so we were saying my wife would pick it up in the morning at ikea and have it ready for him when he got home. 

HE was most pissed cause he didnt want to go to school Friday though.  He was completely melting down, basically like a BPD episode.  I was at a loss.  Of course, my wife then brings up "did your mother remember joe's bday"...

I said "she said she was going to call and she had mentioned a couple of days before about its o I assume she remembered. "  wife asks "no card sent home"  I say "i do not know if she knows what is going on or if we are having a party.  you had told me not to discuss kids with her, and of course, you two do not talk"

Wife let into me... I went outisde to back yard sitting in grass crying.  I then went inside and texted my mother "honestly mother, did you forget Joe's bday".  She replied 20 min later to my wife and my cell phone to tell joe happy birthday.  By this time i was upstairs in my bathroom crying.  My wife was berating me telling me "you never stand up for this family.  You never protect us and this is why I am leaving you.  I do not love you like I used to.  You are a coward, and a pussy".  Over and over and over.  She sees my mom texts then accuses me of lying/  I told her I was checking to make sure, because it was odd she did not send a card if she did remember.

For three hours, she called me pathetic, and weak, and not a man.  She told me how other men would stand up for her.  How we are over.  She told me to do stuff and threatened if I did not she was going to take the kids. 

Finally she went to sleep.  I took a prescribed xanax and went to bed.  She then got up at 2 am and started berating me again. 

Cursing at me, telling me i am horrible.  I didnt get up for work.  It just did not seem to matter.  It was still, we are over, i am a coward, I never do anything.  How she is doing everything and I am just crying... . now past 3 nights she went to bed at 6 pm while I fed kids and did dishes, etc.  I told my mother that I am unreliable.  I need to be fired.  Everything I am around is going to ___.

My mother says, she has to have court docs in and needs my help.  My wife keeps calling me telling me to go to work, or she will leave. 

What could I have done differently?  My mother outside of work, is in none of our lives!  Should I have blasted her?  I am not for sure she forgot Joe's bday. 

Does that really do any good?  Should my wife be pissed at me over that?  She then told me she never would have gotten the computer if she had known it would cost $1400 which I told her!  She also spent $500 behind my back last week on clothes for herself because her friend let it slip.  She is constantly spending money and last thing I bought for myself was 9 months ago, a pair of shoes...

What did I do wrong?  Is there anything I could have done differently?  What should I have done about my mother?  I just do not want to fight everyone

My wife said I never stood up for her during an abortion.  The doctor was 80 years odl and mid way through went crazy, verbally assaulting my wife.  My wife says no other man would have stood by and done nothing.  I was scared too... he was the only doctor there and this was a medical procedure, do I attack him while that is going on and does she bleed out?  I just tried to be comoforting.  Afterwards I tried to say some words to him but my wife went off being ballastic which was reasonable and i didnt interrupt.  I filed a grievance with the medical board...

My wife seems to think I shoul dhave assaulted the guy or done more.  I mean if I assaulted a 80 year old man, that is serious jail time, how would that help?

What is wrong with me.  I sat around 2 hours today with a knife comtemplating suicide.  I couldnt get teh balls to do it.  Ive ruined my job now.  I am about to lose it.  My family is gone.  Am I wrong?  What is it im doing wrong?  I just do not want to be wrong and hurt people?  I want to pick up this shotgun beside me, but my wife says im too scared of hell to do it.  nearly daring me

What do I do?  what do i do?  I just dont want to be wrong.  If she is wrong, I ll divorce her, but im about to lose everything

[hurthusband]

Yesterday was my step-son's birthday.  I had made plans albiet the busiest day of my work to take off early to get home to help celebrate it.

I do work at a family business.  The day started off with my wife being mean and nasty for no warranted reason. She called and apologized later.

That afternoon she was still moody and depressed.  She was getting my son's room ready and painted and set up for his birthday.  He was wanting a computer that was a pretty big gift for video gaming, so we talked it over and my computer was 6 years old and I had been talking about getting a new one for 3 years.  It is still vastly more powerful than anything we could get him for $600 so he said he would like my computer and I would get a new one... which I told my wife would cost about $1500, but I would attempt to build it myself so we could save a few hundred.  NEver had built a computer before.  I had always been hesitant to get a new computer cause our debt,but my business is all computer/internet based.

In any case, we were going ahead, she had been mad over me not spending more time with her cause my computer took me 6 hours to build correctly as I was new at it. 

Back to the point is I was leaving work and my mother had STILL said nothing about my son's bday.  She had asked me about it 2 days before, but I was thinking she had forgotten.  I said as I left early that "gotta get going to my other job so I can leave it early to get home for Joe's bday".  My mom said, "of course, I will give a call later".  Not exactly that good.  Especially since last year she had completely forgotten his bday until I reminded her two days later and she apologized and of course sent a gift

I got home, and my son was in complete meltdown cause he wanted to play tennis with my wife who was tired from painting, and putting stuff up in his bedroom, and it was 5pm in Texas.  He was also upset, because were wer also going to go buy him a computer desk he liked at Ikea, but Ikea is 1 hour away in non-rush hour traffic... so we were saying my wife would pick it up in the morning at ikea and have it ready for him when he got home. 

HE was most pissed cause he didnt want to go to school Friday though.  He was completely melting down, basically like a BPD episode.  I was at a loss.  Of course, my wife then brings up "did your mother remember joe's bday"...

I said "she said she was going to call and she had mentioned a couple of days before about its o I assume she remembered. "  wife asks "no card sent home"  I say "i do not know if she knows what is going on or if we are having a party.  you had told me not to discuss kids with her, and of course, you two do not talk"

Wife let into me... I went outisde to back yard sitting in grass crying.  I then went inside and texted my mother "honestly mother, did you forget Joe's bday".  She replied 20 min later to my wife and my cell phone to tell joe happy birthday.  By this time i was upstairs in my bathroom crying.  My wife was berating me telling me "you never stand up for this family.  You never protect us and this is why I am leaving you.  I do not love you like I used to.  You are a coward, and a pussy".  Over and over and over.  She sees my mom texts then accuses me of lying/  I told her I was checking to make sure, because it was odd she did not send a card if she did remember.

For three hours, she called me pathetic, and weak, and not a man.  She told me how other men would stand up for her.  How we are over.  She told me to do stuff and threatened if I did not she was going to take the kids. 

Finally she went to sleep.  I took a prescribed xanax and went to bed.  She then got up at 2 am and started berating me again. 

Cursing at me, telling me i am horrible.  I didnt get up for work.  It just did not seem to matter.  It was still, we are over, i am a coward, I never do anything.  How she is doing everything and I am just crying... . now past 3 nights she went to bed at 6 pm while I fed kids and did dishes, etc.  I told my mother that I am unreliable.  I need to be fired.  Everything I am around is going to ___.

My mother says, she has to have court docs in and needs my help.  My wife keeps calling me telling me to go to work, or she will leave. 

What could I have done differently?  My mother outside of work, is in none of our lives!  Should I have blasted her?  I am not for sure she forgot Joe's bday. 

Does that really do any good?  Should my wife be pissed at me over that?  She then told me she never would have gotten the computer if she had known it would cost $1400 which I told her!  She also spent $500 behind my back last week on clothes for herself because her friend let it slip.  She is constantly spending money and last thing I bought for myself was 9 months ago, a pair of shoes...

What did I do wrong?  Is there anything I could have done differently?  What should I have done about my mother?  I just do not want to fight everyone

My wife said I never stood up for her during an abortion.  The doctor was 80 years odl and mid way through went crazy, verbally assaulting my wife.  My wife says no other man would have stood by and done nothing.  I was scared too... he was the only doctor there and this was a medical procedure, do I attack him while that is going on and does she bleed out?  I just tried to be comoforting.  Afterwards I tried to say some words to him but my wife went off being ballastic which was reasonable and i didnt interrupt.  I filed a grievance with the medical board...

My wife seems to think I shoul dhave assaulted the guy or done more.  I mean if I assaulted a 80 year old man, that is serious jail time, how would that help?

What is wrong with me.  I sat around 2 hours today with a knife comtemplating suicide.  I couldnt get teh balls to do it.  Ive ruined my job now.  I am about to lose it.  My family is gone.  Am I wrong?  What is it im doing wrong?  I just do not want to be wrong and hurt people?  I want to pick up this shotgun beside me, but my wife says im too scared of hell to do it.  nearly daring me

What do I do?  what do i do?  I just dont want to be wrong.  If she is wrong, I ll divorce her, but im about to lose everything

[Cloudy Days]

Wow you have really been going through a lot. Is there any way for you to take a break from all of this? You are not wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, you are just living with someone who is very hard to live with. No matter what you do, she is going to find something to go off about. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how she feels and her disorder. It isn't your responsibility to make sure that your mother remembers your sons Birthday. You going off on your mother, or that doctor wouldn't have done any good for you or your wife. Yelling at people is not a good way of dealing with problems. If only our BPD spouses knew that. My husband gets onto me about the very same thing. He always says that I don't stick up for him. When really there wasn't anything to stick up for. He just sees things in a distorted way.

It sounds like you really need a break, have you ever considered seeing a therapist on your own? It can be very helpful to get out of the FOG. The way your wife behaves is not your fault, she just wants to blame her feelings on someone and that someone becomes you. It doesn't mean that it's true though. It's time to take care of you. 

[hurthusband]

Wow you have really been going through a lot. Is there any way for you to take a break from all of this? You are not wrong, you didn't do anything wrong, you are just living with someone who is very hard to live with. No matter what you do, she is going to find something to go off about. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how she feels and her disorder. It isn't your responsibility to make sure that your mother remembers your sons Birthday. You going off on your mother, or that doctor wouldn't have done any good for you or your wife. Yelling at people is not a good way of dealing with problems. If only our BPD spouses knew that. My husband gets onto me about the very same thing. He always says that I don't stick up for him. When really there wasn't anything to stick up for. He just sees things in a distorted way.

It sounds like you really need a break, have you ever considered seeing a therapist on your own? It can be very helpful to get out of the FOG. The way your wife behaves is not your fault, she just wants to blame her feelings on someone and that someone becomes you. It doesn't mean that it's true though. It's time to take care of you. 

I have seen psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, marriage counselors... all of them since I was 5.  I was diagnosed with OCD back then and have been in therapy ever since.  I am basically told the same things, but I cannot accept it all in my head.  I think its somewhat a back mixture of my OCD and own issues that are really torked up.  My psychiatrist has been pushing for at least theuraputic seperation, but I can call he thinks its all toxic.  He has kind of given up hope and trying to focus on helping me deal with it or get time for self.  I just cannot do it.  I am sick too.  My wife sees me as whacko.  I mean my OCD is minor. When I met her my whole house, car, everything was an OCD zone.  Now I have it limited to a 4x4 foot area of my home that I ask they all leave alone.  The rest of my house is a disaster area.  Food, crap everywhere.  My kids and wife are slobs.  Not to mention she tore out all the carpet upstairs wanting to re do it.  I do not say a word about it and she is more upset over it than me, but I am teh crazy one with OCD ...

I am tired.  I do not have the strength to kill myself, but I pray for an aenursym at night and during day.  I do not have the strength to fight back.  I now just sit there and do nothing, taking it.

Last night she told me to stop crying or she would do something really bad to me, she came walking over, and I cried more.  It wasnt on purpose, but it wasnt because of fear or more sadness.  I think i did it to get to her more because I was hoping she would bash my skull in.  She just hurled a cell phone at my head though... not enough force to do anything...

I beg her to tell me to kill myself... I wonder if that would finally give me the strength

[Cloudy Days]

Have you ever tried going to a group therapy, do you have any friends or family you could spend some time with? I really understand if that is not something you can do. My husband pretty much makes me miserable if I try to have time for myself. I know what you are going through, I have felt crazy and like I was hanging by a thread. The mornings where the alarm clock goes off and you just dread waking up because you don't want to deal with the insanity that is BPD. You need to change something though, I know it is hard to make the choices, but you are not happy. You are severely depressed and I can only imagine that living with your wife has caused your mental health to deteriorate. Mine certainly has living with my husband. If you leave to take a break what is the worst that could happen. You don't have to wait for your wife to agree with you about the break, you can take it without her consent. It doesn't really seem like it could get much worse for you at this point. If anything, you are contemplating suicide, you could check yourself into a mental hospital. Not a great option but it would give you a break from your life and allow you some separate time apart from your wife. If only for a few days.

[hurthusband]

well... she was calling me during work day again.

i told her i would have to call her back... she asked me if my mother had even brought my son a bday card.  she had, but i couldnt talk cause we were preparing some legal docs. 

Finally i told her I will have to call her back.

Mom stood up, fired me.  Said she that i spend too much time dealing with my wife and not enough time working

I got my stuff and left.  Called my wife back to started in on me.  I was pretty upset.  I told her YES she did bring a card, and then told her she should be happy because she just cost me my job.  She always hated my mother and wanted me to do something different... i told her its pretty evil of her to want that.  She has had so many problems finding her calling and here i had a job that was enabling me to make 6 figures, AND with a future of triple pay... and because I could not keep her off my phone... i just lost it

you would say, turn your phone off, but i get alot of customer calls on that line. 

You would say just silence her calls, but I have gotten 81 consecutive calls before from her. 

So, I pretty much feel like i have lost my family both immediate, and parents... and my job.  I have a ___ ton of bills thanks to my BPD wife (when we met I had tons of cash in the bank, now I have tons of debt).  I pretty much said I did not want to hear from her, and i was going to drive off and not sure what I would do.  She pretty much then echoed me saying that i was so mean to her, and that one or both of us is going to end up dead out of this. 

So, here i am... at a different office I have access too... typing this here.  I really do not want to live now.  I have no future... . everything i worked towards is gone.  My wife says she now hates me and wants nothing to do with me...   She might have harmed herself. 

Things are pretty bad...

[Littleleft]

Hi hurthusband

It's no wonder you are feeling bad with what you are going through.  I'm so sorry to hear things are so tough for you.  You really need to do something to look after yourself right now.

Is there somebody you could go and stay with?

[OnceConfused]

HurtHusband:

Do you hear yourself clearly as I have : " My wife says she now hates me and wants nothing to do with me...   She might have harmed herself. "

You continue to let your mind going wild over what she might do to herself. That is exactly what she wants you to feel so that she can continue to beat you up verbally, psychologically and yet you will come back to her for more pain and suffering.

Nothing you can do for her. You must be responsible for your own actions and she must be responsible for her own actions.

Like I alluded in an earlier post to you, that staying in limbo is the worst of all things because it will slowly kill you with stress and uncertainty. I have outlined some of the steps you can do to convince you and your mind about what actions you need to take. did you have a chance to read it?

Things will not change unless you tell yourself " ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". Are you there yet?

[SweetCharlotte]

I think that Onceconfused is right.

And I'm concerned that you have been contemplating suicide, knife-in-hand. I think that a therapist would want you to be hospitalized as a first step. Then you can begin your recovery fresh.

[hurthusband]

I know that leaving is probably what is best for me.  at same time, I cannot help but feel sorry for her

I know my leaving her will break her... .  She can barely keep it together now and has no way of supporting herself.

I know that she will also lash out in pain and try and damage me and those around me as much as possible because in her mind retribution is always near.  It is almost like she cannot forgive unless somebody pays.  

It means that I will have to fight and be nasty and essentially destroy her in order to protect myself.  I do not want to do that.  In a way things are like we both have a gun pointed at each other.  I know she is going to pull the trigger if I put the gun down.  The other option is I can pull the trigger and save myself, killing her.  I just cannot do it... even if it means I am doomed

At this point, I am trying to work ahead and salvage what I can.  I cannot say I feel that odds are in my favor.  When I say salvage, I mean work wise, and financially... kids etc.  She has completely shut down.  I slept in my car last night.  I went to check on her after her cryptic messages earlier and no response when call about 11 pm to make sure she was ok.  If I told her family that she had a gun to her head and was going to pull the trigger, they would just shrug because it would be an inconvenience.  They are that kind of people. 

So I checked, and she was alive but passed out on sleeping meds.  Of course, was rude, but I left. 

She has kids sent away... one just had his bday on Thursday and wants to play with his new things. I feel I should take him home... at same time I do not know...

She literally oscillates from realizing what she has done and crashing to believing everyone is out to get her...   that is pretty much how her family operates though.  They trash everyone and act like everyone is crazy.  They also put down everyone they can including their own children.  They ingrained in her paranoia.  They disgust me honestly.

It does not mean it excuses my wife's behavior, but its sickening that they can enjoy their life and continue to torture their own children...

They are like people who starve their dogs then unleash their dogs on others.  They did not care that those dogs maimed others or the chaos they wrought.  The dogs had no say, but they are ruined now

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

Do you hear yourself making excuses again? -- "I know my leaving with break her... . "

Again, she has survived before you even showed up in her life and trust me, she will survive after you.  As adults, we are responsible for our actions. She has no ways of supporting herself, not because of you or anyone else, it is because of her own actions or lack thereof.

One of the key strategies of BPD is to shift the blame of their own problems onto their SO. In this case, she has shifted her own problem onto you. That is exactly how BPD controls you, by making you feel so guilty.

Even her own family did not move at her predicaments, which tells me that they all know her too well.

Please read the post I wrote to you in another post about ways to disengage. I shared with you how I disengaged from the xBPDgf.

[hurthusband]

Hurthusband:

Do you hear yourself making excuses again? -- "I know my leaving with break her... . "

Again, she has survived before you even showed up in her life and trust me, she will survive after you.  As adults, we are responsible for our actions. She has no ways of supporting herself, not because of you or anyone else, it is because of her own actions or lack thereof.

One of the key strategies of BPD is to shift the blame of their own problems onto their SO. In this case, she has shifted her own problem onto you. That is exactly how BPD controls you, by making you feel so guilty.

Even her own family did not move at her predicaments, which tells me that they all know her too well.

Please read the post I wrote to you in another post about ways to disengage. I shared with you how I disengaged from the xBPDgf.

Yea, I been working on that.  Saturday, I went back to the house, only because our son was at grandparents and wanted to come home to play on his new computer I was setting him up.  It was his bday 2 days before which started all of this.  So i picked him up and we went shopping for a computer desk and worked together getting everything set up while she just sulked in room.  Occassionally coming out to make a jab at me or be mean. I totally just said "ok".  I let her know it has nothing to do that I do not care about how she feels or the situation, but anything I say or do to defend myself or say how much I do care will only lead to more arguing so that I am just going to work on this with our son.  If she wants a divorce fine, I love her, but this is not healthy for either of us and needs to end one way or another.

She did not like that, but I just stayed and did my stuff with kid.

Next morning, she was a bit snarky, but we had some more to do as the wifi was not good at all, so we went to get supplies to get it better, and did some stuff around house that needed to be done.  By end of the day, she was not apologetic, but was being civil and kind.  I still kept my distance.

Today she is apologetic.  I told her I do not know if we will make it as I am sure she does.  I said I believe we *can* make it, but that kindness and understanding has to be involved in that.

Part of me is thinking the damage she has done, I should leave her.  I should leave the whole situation.  Nothing will probably change.  I believe if I change, and become more disengaged and caring what she thinks, it will change her, but I am not so sure I can.  That is my big fear and maybe I should leave because maybe I cannot disengage, but I am just trying to not be close to her and handle my business and make up for the damage what I can. 

Focus on kids and my work.  I know it will not be fun nor pleasant around her for awhile, but maybe after I focus on those things and pass home time, i will get more comfortable at home and able to enjoy things too

[hurthusband]

and she gets a DWI last night... .

[KateCat]

hurthusband,

This might be an opportunity for you to handle family issues differently than you have in the past, when you appear to have tried to fix all your wife's problems by yourself. In a previous post (May 13) you have written:

my wife cheated on me.  Told me she did even... three times in fact.  Took her back every time.  . . .

my wife on pills and drunk one night lost her engagement ring, broke into a house, vandalized it, came home with a noose around her neck and busted the oil pan on her car.  I went and paid for the damages even though the people had no clue or idea who did it to the home.  

my wife attempted suicide.  I rushed her to the hospital and she ended up in a facility for a week.  . . .

my wife attempted suicide a second time.  Kids found her.  

my wife physically abused me, basically cost me my job, then said we needed to have a joint suicide after also busting up 2 cars."  

How do you want to handle things this time after the learning you have been doing on this forum?

[MissyM]

Hurt, hopefully this will be the catalyst for change.  Perhaps you can set a boundary that your wife either goes for rehab (and make sure it is one that treats addiction and personality disorder) or it is time for you to separate?  Have you been to Alanon?  Really, this sounds like a dangerous situation and I hope that you can protect yourself and the children.  Having been in your shoes, sort of, I know how hard it is to finally make that stand.  Living with an actively addicted BPD is a living hell.

[raytamtay3]

Hi. I've been following your post. I admire you for trying to make things work with your wife, but when is enough enough? Until you respect yourself, set boundaries and start sticking up for yourself, nothing is going to change. It seems to me when you do stick up for yourself, then your wife plays the victim saying you are being mean. Well dammit, if putting your foot down is deemed mean in her mind, oh friggin well! Maybe then she'll start respecting you! This is utterly ridicuoulus that you allow her to bully you daily. Man up.

[hurthusband]

Of course, I contacted a lawyer and bailed her out.  When she got out, I basically laid it out what is ahead.  How everyone had warned her of these consequences.  She started to get upset and start saying she is bad and worthless etc, etc.  That she has really messed up her life.  I just told her, that she is not a bad person, but her actions are not responsible ones. That while she has messed up her life, she needs to also think about who she has messed up things for around her.  She has not learned to deal with her own emotions and face her demons and hard times, and that has led to alot of this and she needs to deal with it.  I told her, that I have no clue how to handle all of this, and I really do not care to be ultra supportive and make the draining effort to build her esteem back up while I am left to deal with this.

She asked if the lawyer was good or too old... After second questions, I just said "look, we had to contact a lawyer immediately.  If you want a different lawyer, that is fine, but you go find one."

She started to get emotional and a bit irritable, and I just said "not dealing with this" and started heading to the door to leave.

I am telling her she is talented and innately good... she is acting and saying the right things.  At same time, this is a real gut punch.  I really do not have the patience which i told her to give any real sympathy on this.   This was her mistake... again...

I told her that we probably need to sit and make agreements on what will happen with a divorce because I am for sure not going to sit and deal with anything else.  I am not for sure I will deal with this.  If she wants to leave, I told her fine... I will help to a degree with this DWI, but I do not want to deal with this.

I told her that I did not tell her family, not because I am trying to hide it from them, and I will not, but because they have only contributed to this and do not deserve to be part of my family.

I am not sure really if I am still being too sympathetic and outside of divorcing her right now, and kicking her to the curb, anything is truly right.  In the end, if I stay, I am going to pay pretty good for this.  Maybe this does make a 180, but she certainly does not deserve me to still stay if it does this late in the game.  I certainly am not so sure that for dignity sake, I should even stay and see

I cannot say I really feel sorry for her at this point.  I will not tell her she is worthless or a ___ty person, and will tell her she is not and she is talented and good, but she is a fool and acting stupidly.  I am just going to be blatantly honest.  She talked about how she wanted to die rather than deal with this, and it would mean I wouldnt if she did.  I told her that just hurts the kids.  She needs to figure another way to make it right.

[MissyM]

Hurt, so no talk of rehab?  No AA meetings?  No therapy?  Really?

[KateCat]

hurthusband,   . I think you have done the very best thing possible here:

She asked if the lawyer was good or too old... After second questions, I just said "look, we had to contact a lawyer immediately.  If you want a different lawyer, that is fine, but you go find one."

She started to get emotional and a bit irritable, and I just said "not dealing with this" and started heading to the door to leave.

Not only is this being a good citizen (not covering for her dangerous actions) but it will allow her now to choose (within the parameters of what the state will require) the type of therapy and legal process that comes next. Letting her find a different attorney, if she wants one, is a fine first step.

Hang in there and be strong now for the next few days. Keep posting here and listening to the advice of advisors like waverider, who know just what you are experiencing.

[hurthusband]

Hurt, so no talk of rehab?  No AA meetings?  No therapy?  Really?

I did not talk about that because that is a given.  I mean she is going to have to get into some sort of alcohol program AND rehab just to help her out with her case.  She blew a breathilizer so she is pretty much convicted no matter what she does, but if she talks about being mentally handicapped and now seeking treatment, it could get the charges dropped to a misdeanor so she does not have a felony conviction which would mean she cannot hold any license or certification in the state of Texas.  ie no teaching and with an Art degree that can be a big one. 

I mean it is still going to end up probably costing about $18k when its all said and done, I am sure they will make the therapy and AA not voluntary but mandatory.  She very well may get a breathilizer in her car with a suspended license for like 90 days. 

Usually first offenses in Texas are suspended license for 90 days, breathlizer for 3 years (at a cost of $10 a day), $3k a year payment to the State, rehab, other surcharges, and of course your insurance tripling for 3 years.

Basically, between all of this and therapy, MY cost of living just went up about $2k a month.  Oddly enough I do not feel sorry at all for what she has to go through.  DWI is not some BPD result, its stupidity.  I mean we all have probably driven when we should not have, but she has pushed the limits too many times

[formflier]

Hurt,

hang in there man! 

Please find some time for yourself.  Examine patterns in your behavior.  Try to leave your wife out of this examination... . I know they are linked... . but try.

Then... . if you want your life to be different... . you have choices to make about your behavior.

I am not saying any of this is your fault... . but it is critical that you understand what you control... and more importantly what you don't.

You can't change everything at once... . but if you don't start with something... . things will never change.

I suspect you wife does not have the capacity to do so.

Hang in there!  This will be hard but you can do it.

Hurt, so no talk of rehab?  No AA meetings?  No therapy?  Really?

I did not talk about that because that is a given.  I mean she is going to have to get into some sort of alcohol program AND rehab just to help her out with her case.  She blew a breathilizer so she is pretty much convicted no matter what she does, but if she talks about being mentally handicapped and now seeking treatment, it could get the charges dropped to a misdeanor so she does not have a felony conviction which would mean she cannot hold any license or certification in the state of Texas.  ie no teaching and with an Art degree that can be a big one. 

I mean it is still going to end up probably costing about $18k when its all said and done, I am sure they will make the therapy and AA not voluntary but mandatory.  She very well may get a breathilizer in her car with a suspended license for like 90 days. 

Usually first offenses in Texas are suspended license for 90 days, breathlizer for 3 years (at a cost of $10 a day), $3k a year payment to the State, rehab, other surcharges, and of course your insurance tripling for 3 years.

Basically, between all of this and therapy, MY cost of living just went up about $2k a month.  Oddly enough I do not feel sorry at all for what she has to go through.  DWI is not some BPD result, its stupidity.  I mean we all have probably driven when we should not have, but she has pushed the limits too many times

[MissyM]

I did not talk about that because that is a given.  I mean she is going to have to get into some sort of alcohol program AND rehab just to help her out with her case.  She blew a breathilizer so she is pretty much convicted no matter what she does, but if she talks about being mentally handicapped and now seeking treatment, it could get the charges dropped to a misdeanor so she does not have a felony conviction which would mean she cannot hold any license or certification in the state of Texas.  ie no teaching and with an Art degree that can be a big one. 

Oh, I certainly hope so.  I know an attorney would recommend it in Texas but not sure what her response would be to that.  Dealing with the consequences of our spouses addiction sucks!  Hang in there and take care of yourself through this stressful time.

[OnceConfused]

HurtHusband:

Your wife is just like my xBPDgf, who goes from one crisis to the next. Again, I reiterate that we are responsible for our actions and who and where we are today is the accumulation of everything we have done.

Where she is today is totally of her own accord and will. DOn't blame yourself for her mishaps...

Wayne Dyer said it well, "YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON"T HAVE". I think BPD is incapable of loving because they don't love themselves (even they are selfish). You cannot make them love themselves as they have to see the needs for that self love.

Do you have an exit strategy? If you don't please have one soon, very soon I mean.

[formflier]

.

Do you have an exit strategy? If you don't please have one soon, very soon I mean.

Amen to exit strategy.  I don't think anyone is saying to use it... . but you need to think about this ahead of time.  So... when there is drama and you are on the way out... . it is not the first you have thought of it.

[hurthusband]

whew... hectic past few days. 

I can see her trying at least...   although, I would like it faster.

Friday and Saturday I was pretty cold to her and she was trying to be nice, civil, and pleasant, and I just kept my distance, explained I was frustrated and I was not kind.  This of course lead to her feeling that things were hopeless.  Sunday I woke up and kind of figured... if she is trying... I cannot just swing to the other end of the spectrum and be all about myself... even if it is warranted.  Kind of shock to her so I was kind and things are better in that respect.  She is still been a bit moody for a bit during days but she has been trying to be supportive

She isnt going to AA which I wish she would, but she is really averse to the whole religious elements to it and she feels she isnt an alcoholic, but really just a BPD mental mess who will use anything as a crutch.  That being said though, she HAS gone back into therapy and is going to the recommended twice a week.  I suppose that is a start.  She hasnt touched a drop of alcohol. 

She has been more supportive and caring of me than she was, I mean it is still not the the level a spouse should be but I suppose it is a start.  They did not suspend her license and her bail was a tad lower than it should have been so things are going ok there relative to what they could be.

On the other hand, I am breaking apart.  I am just overwhelmed.  The whole consequences of the DWI and what is upcoming, has me completely scared.  The problem is other problems that have come up since then

a. A/C went out... . this is not exactly what I was hoping for right now in a Texas summer.  With already my credit cards stretched thin and a DWI situation... this is not a fix I want to handle

b. Got a $2900 medical bill that was unexpected

That rolled into the fact that my wife and I have to go to Austin to meet with the medical board about the incident that really started all of the recent stuff.  A year ago a doctor verbally assaulted her during a medical procedure, lunged at her and had to be held back by staff after he then tried to get in her face after the procedure and further scared her.   Since that, her sleep is completely messed up with nightmares, and her trust in me has been shot because I had no clue what do really do.  A doctor in a medical procedure... do you get mad at the guy? stop the guy?  He was 80 years old so you cannot really hit the guy without going to jail yourself.  Really really messed up deal, and have to go over it again with a Medical Board is not pleasant.

Therapy is good, but on other hand, that is an extra $1k a month in bills.

So she is trying to do the best she can in a horrible situation, but the situation is a real avalanche

[OnceConfused]

HurtHusband:

I think the incidence with the doctor is just another sign of how BPD gets into crisis after crisis.  You can put the blame on the doctor but deep inside I believe your BPD did do something to make the doctor mad.

My xBPDgf put me in crisis mode after crisis mode. If not this than that ... The crisis mode did not seem to stop . My head went from being very peaceful before her, to a state of confusion, anxious, fearful, did not know when the other shoes was going to drop. I went from being in control of my life (I run a very successful business) to like a lost child in the jungle.

ONe of the things that is so scary about BPD is that they will act so nice to you, making you think the storm is now over and the sun will shine on your r.s, then bamp her BPD stuffs resurfaced and I again went into the abyss.

Hurthusband, don't be fooled by her recent sweet mood, which apparently led you to believe that things will be better.

THings might be better , but only for a moment. BPD don't change over night, if that is the case then we don't need this forum at all. They change only if they and they only want to change

[hurthusband]

HurtHusband:

I think the incidence with the doctor is just another sign of how BPD gets into crisis after crisis.  You can put the blame on the doctor but deep inside I believe your BPD did do something to make the doctor mad.

My xBPDgf put me in crisis mode after crisis mode. If not this than that ... The crisis mode did not seem to stop . My head went from being very peaceful before her, to a state of confusion, anxious, fearful, did not know when the other shoes was going to drop. I went from being in control of my life (I run a very successful business) to like a lost child in the jungle.

ONe of the things that is so scary about BPD is that they will act so nice to you, making you think the storm is now over and the sun will shine on your r.s, then bamp her BPD stuffs resurfaced and I again went into the abyss.

Hurthusband, don't be fooled by her recent sweet mood, which apparently led you to believe that things will be better.

THings might be better , but only for a moment. BPD don't change over night, if that is the case then we don't need this forum at all. They change only if they and they only want to change

you make it sound pretty hopeless

I saw the doctor, the nurse was crying over it

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

Was my r/s with xBPD HOPELESS or not? I don't really know because I did not stay long enough to extend my suffering. 9 months was MORE THAN ENOUGH.  Do I wish that I stay longer ? NO and NO and No. The reality of it is (1) I am happily married now with a beautiful woman who is what xBPD is not, and (2) the xBPD still is single after 7 years, despite her being a very attractive woman, highly educated and making well over 6 figures. She still cannot be with someone for more than 6 months, - why , why and why --- the answer is her BPD, my friend.

To stay or to leave is our own personal decision. Like I keep asking you - WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? Only you can answer that.

REmember, to have a happy relationship, the 2 partners have to accept each other as being truly who she/he is, and not trying to change their partner. 

is your wife accepting you as who you are or she expects you to be someone else ? .

DO you accept her as who she is with all of the BPD stuffs and not trying to change her to a NORMAL wife ?

[formflier]

One nuance to think about here... . on the one hand we shouldn't be trying to "change" the other spouse.  We should accept them as who they are.

When a person has a PD... . who they are is masked... . and comes out later. 

I definitely have the feeling of "false advertising"... .   In that case I feel like there should be pressure for her to change or "deal with" the issues she brings to the table.

Thoughts?

hope this make sense.

Hurthusband:

Was my r/s with xBPD HOPELESS or not? I don't really know because I did not stay long enough to extend my suffering. 9 months was MORE THAN ENOUGH.  Do I wish that I stay longer ? NO and NO and No. The reality of it is (1) I am happily married now with a beautiful woman who is what xBPD is not, and (2) the xBPD still is single after 7 years, despite her being a very attractive woman, highly educated and making well over 6 figures. She still cannot be with someone for more than 6 months, - why , why and why --- the answer is her BPD, my friend.

To stay or to leave is our own personal decision. Like I keep asking you - WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? Only you can answer that.

REmember, to have a happy relationship, the 2 partners have to accept each other as being truly who she/he is, and not trying to change their partner. 

is your wife accepting you as who you are or she expects you to be someone else ? .

DO you accept her as who she is with all of the BPD stuffs and not trying to change her to a NORMAL wife ?

[momtara]

Sorry to hear about the DWI, this latest wrinkle.  She could have killed someone.  Killed them.  I hope it does get her forced into AA and stuff, and I wonder if you are secretly thinking maybe this will make things better.  Not sure if it will or won't.  You keep being the hero who bails her out.  You are a good person.  I don't have more advice to offer, but kindly set boundaries as usual, and know your limits.  Hang in there buddy.  You are really trying.

[hurthusband]

One nuance to think about here... . on the one hand we shouldn't be trying to "change" the other spouse.  We should accept them as who they are.

When a person has a PD... . who they are is masked... . and comes out later. 

I definitely have the feeling of "false advertising"... .   In that case I feel like there should be pressure for her to change or "deal with" the issues she brings to the table.

Thoughts?

hope this make sense.

Hurthusband:

Was my r/s with xBPD HOPELESS or not? I don't really know because I did not stay long enough to extend my suffering. 9 months was MORE THAN ENOUGH.  Do I wish that I stay longer ? NO and NO and No. The reality of it is (1) I am happily married now with a beautiful woman who is what xBPD is not, and (2) the xBPD still is single after 7 years, despite her being a very attractive woman, highly educated and making well over 6 figures. She still cannot be with someone for more than 6 months, - why , why and why --- the answer is her BPD, my friend.

To stay or to leave is our own personal decision. Like I keep asking you - WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? Only you can answer that.

REmember, to have a happy relationship, the 2 partners have to accept each other as being truly who she/he is, and not trying to change their partner. 

is your wife accepting you as who you are or she expects you to be someone else ? .

DO you accept her as who she is with all of the BPD stuffs and not trying to change her to a NORMAL wife ?

Well for me, I think it is unfair to ask somebody to change, but in any relationship you can ask for compromise on things.  Everyone needs to do some things differently.  I suppose as to what needs to be changed is a question of their behavior, or their core beliefs, or their core personality. 

I do not think you can demand somebody to change...

As far as what I expect of my wife, I only expect to be treated with respect or how you would treat somebody you just met.  That is all.  I think we all have innate rights.  Her change in treating me like that took place after being together 10 years.  Also, the mask thing is a good point.  It is a bit of false advertising. 

I do not expect my wife to ever be perfectly sane or rational.