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The last contact I had from my Ex was her appologising for messing with my head because she kept contacting me, thinking we could be friends, even though she has been seeing someone (which she said 'it's not right'.

I told her that we can't be friends & we both agreed that we need to remove each others numbers.

It's been 4 days today NC, and I want to contact her. I need some tough love, because i know NC is the only way, it really is, but i always find it really difficult.

Hey Eric!

I think everyone here has told you the same thing, including me. You just have to tough this time out. Keep busy, don't answer her calls, texts, emails, smoke signals! Don't reach out to her either, no matter what you are feeling. I know friend, it's hard 

If you work as hard at getting healthy, and staying away from her as you do a job, you will emerge from this nightmare a stronger and better person. You must commit to putting yourself above everything else!

These are affirmations I say EVERY day. Even 8 months since I asked BPDh to exit!:

Letting go will help me to be healthy

I control my own life and decisions

I am healthy

I am strong

I feel good about letting go

Letting go will help me to be healthy

Say this every time you want to reach out to her. Even if it's every 5 minutes. The more you say it, the more you will believe it. Eric, friend, you've got to try a different approach. I can say to you what my best friend said to me, since you asked for tough love!

If you call him (her in your case) I will come there, and physically restrain you from any movement, body and mouth. (meant to be funny, hope you smiled)! Hang in there!

Best Wishes,

Val78

You are right. I don't know why i can't give up the ghost. I'm already in a much better place. The FOG has cleared, but i'm still missing her. I know its natural to miss her & i'm powerless to change her feelings, but it's tough.

No matter how impossible it may seem in your mind right now, you can and will find someone else. But don't hold that thought too closely and rush into another relationship (rebound). Use this time to better yourself and make sure you love yourself before you move on to love another person

Eric, me old mate.

I really understand your struggle chum, I honestly do!

I set myself a NC target, and when I get there I'm going to reward myself. Then I'll set a new NC target & continue towards that. I'm 6 weeks into NC now & i'm not gonna lie to you, it's still tough at times, but working towards that target has definitely made the difference for me (although it might not work for everybody).

I know if I cave in I'll be absolutely furious with myself for lots of reasons & that's another incentive.

They only get an ego boost from us reaching out & we get nothing at all from the deal. You won't get any reply that helps you I can promise you that with almost certainty mate.

If they're not reaching out that's because (at the moment) they don't NEED to! Your contacting her  will only stir up guilt & trigger her! You've already become her trigger during the latter parts of the relationship so you know what results triggering her brings.

I know the NC hurts mate, but consider what breaking it does... .

1- Gives the power you've generated with your strict NC self discipline straight over to her.

2- Gives her an ego boost while denting your own.

3- Makes you look weak when you need to look strong.

4- Puts you right back to square one & you having to live with the incredibly frustrating knowledge that you did it to yourself.

5- Shows her/gives her the impression that you're still on the shelf for when she's done with new guy. (whipped dog at its wimpiest) and makes you look VERY weak, also making you less attractive & giving power to the new dude (which you won't like but it's true my friend).

And much much more... Do you need any more incentive to hold it together through your 'wobble'?

Stay strong mate you're doing well & keep going doing well.

Eric --

Hard to accept, but Moonie's words are likely accurate:


Something to repeat to yourself, as needed:

"Let the past go, let the dead rest, never aim low, and know what's to come is best."

Hang in there.

I deserve more than we she gave me. She treated me like crap & I kept her on that pedestal.

She's going to my rugby clubs beer festival and I have to wait to go because she said she doesn't want to see me. It's my club!

I'm never contacting her again. I'm doing everything for me now.

She will treat the next bloke like crap because that's what she does. She has issues she needs to sort out and I can't sort then. She goes to wanting to be friends to then completely nothing. Pathetic. Mind games. Her loss.

Eric1:  The mind games are the worst but healing is the BEST!  Stay strong and know you have all the support you need.

I went to MY rugby clubs beer fesitval yesterday. She told me to come after 8 as she would be gone by then. She wasn't, she was still there. We did speak, but it was awkward. She looked great. I miss her again.

:'(

Been out with friends all over the weekend, obviously drinking which is a bit of a depressant afterwards. I haven't contacted her since i bumped into her Friday. 

She has a job interview on Thursday, which I know about. I'm thinking about messaging her good luck or something along those lines.

Do you understand the term NO contact?

I ask because you seem to struggle with understanding no contact means no using things as reasons to contact. F**k sake Eric you're hard work!

I know I am, Moonie. It's hard tho. I know everyone experiences the same, but it doesn't make it easier.

Eric, please don't do it.  If she gets the job it will be on her own merits and not because you wished her luck.

I would think that refraining from making contact on this occasion will bring you one step closer to healing and give you bonus points on your NC.

I'm glad you asked the question because I sure as hell didn't and I went back for more grief. You will have nothing to gain, but a lot to lose.  Hang in there. You can do it. If in doubt, read Moonie's fist reply above.

Eric buddy, what are you getting from contacting her?  All I see is you end up feeling worse about yourself.

As everyone else has said here, do not contact her and getbas far as you can from her. I have been reading through your other posts and must say I went .through something very similar with a girl.  It came to the stage where I was used as her emotional crutch. There to make her feel better about all her problems.  I would watch my phone every day hoping for a text and be so happy when I got one. Eventually I had enough and said I could not do it any longer.  I did well with the no contact and for the first few months every few weeks I would get a text trying to pull me back in. I usually reponded with an answer that could warrant no response.  It killed me for a long time but I look back and thank my lucky stars that I chose to walk away. 

So mate, look deep inside yourself and ask if the few good times and memories you had with her outway all the emotional baggage, negativity and stress you also had to put up with.  If you ended up with this girl, at some point in your future, you will have wished you made a different choice.  You are not going to fix her.

At times, i think it's the best thing for us to be apart, that i really dodged a bullet. But, days like today, i miss her so much. I haven't contacted her, she hasn't contacted me, which is for the best in the long run. But, it doesn't take the pain away.

I feel extremely depressed today.  :'(

Believe me mate, it will get better.  I know that you are hurting now but time will heal this.  What really got me over that one was travelling.  So, if you get a chance to go on a long vacation, go for it.

I have currently had NC with my fiance (second uBPD I have been invovled with) and it is hurting mut the experience of the first relationship and the realisation of what my life is like with her in it and trying to control me, I know that I will be so much better off if we split for good.

Hope you pick up soon.

Jesus Christ! She told me she has a job interveiw tomorrow and I feel the need to wish her good luck! Why!

I'm making this so difficult.

Sounds to me like you're very emotionally attached to this girl.  So much so that whatever she does you'll find a way to rationalize it, to be a part of it, to the detriment of your own wellbeing.

There's really nothing wrong with wishing someone good luck in and of itself.  What's your motivation behind it, though? 

Did deep, not superficially... .

Hi Eric,

I don't know if this will help you, but here goes.  :)

I've felt that excruciating "want to make contact"; it's like a drug and we want a "hit".   I employed many strategies to get through it.  Sometimes the more I told myself not too, the more I wanted to.  *)

Sometimes when it felt like it would be better for me to do it, just to get the "hit" and feel that instant relief and "hit", I'd extrapolate it out.  I'd think, okay it's going to feel really good for the moment.  And then what?  What's the next step.  What do I expect the outcome to be?   And then I'd have to get real with myself and realize I was hoping for a fantasy outcome that wasn't very realistic.    

If that didn't work so well, I'd ask myself how am I going to feel if I do this and the response to my contact is a cold fish left in my hands.      Probably worse than I already feel right now.  

And anyway it would get me through to the next time.  I had to try different thoughts and different ways to cope.  I never found just one way that consistently worked for me.  Sometimes I also just "let go" saying to myself if it's meant to be it will be.   I let go of the thought I could control the outcome or change the future by doing just one thing at one moment that would change everything.  Realizing it just doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm in a different place with things right now, yet I still go through it on occasion myself.   It can be very, very hard and emotionally painful.  It's not healthy to have to repeatedly go through recycles and go through that kind of withdraw over and over.  It takes a toll of it's own, and it's hard to see while we're still in the thick of it.

Be Well Friend

I didn't text her this morning wishing her luck.

However,

I just texted asking how the interview went! FFS! I can't help myself.

Seriously starting to think i'm the one with BPD!

Dear Eric,

     Moving on from these damaging r/s is not a decision; it's a process.  You're begun that process by intellectually understanding some of the dynamics underpinning what is happening inside your head, but the problem is that there are, almost literally, two voices inside you right now.  The emotional, subconscious one makes you feel but doesn't communicate verbally at all, so it's a bit difficult for that part of you to reconcile with the rest of your personality. 

     For now, take a little of the pressure off yourself.  You will always be less than perfect, right? So, accept that, own it, be the man you are, get up off the turf and laugh it off.  You'll do better next time (and then, presumably, screw up again) and eventually the screw ups will be fewer and fewer until you're doing well almost all the time.  That's when what you feel and what you think will be happy living together in your head again.  You'll get there, mate; it isn't fast or easy for anyone.  Hang in, we're all pulling for you.

LT

I have been getting better. It was day 6, so my next target is 7 days!

She hasn't bothered replying, so at least I can gauge now that she isn't interested in the slightest.

Road to recovery starts again!

A suggestion.

Focus on this:
Good for you!

Don't focus on this:


Think about it. What are you doing when you make that assessment? Why are you "gauging" anything? What are you gauging? Not being critical -- just pointing out that there's no way for you or anyone else to have any idea what she's thinking or feeling. It's totally out of your control.

And -- it's totally irrelevant to your recovery path. *You* are getting better. *That's* what's important.

Focus on this:


All due respect. Just my 0.02.

Carry on!

I expect she's thinking 'leave me alone'. She did say we need to delete each others numbers & I said we wouldn't speak for a while.

Goes to show how weak I am.

I should hate her for the way she treated me, but i can't. I can't find it in myself to hate her. All i do is miss her. She's started seeing someone else, which is why she has no use for me now & i'm still sad enough to contact her and show interest.

I know NC is the only option, but it's so hard. She's forgetting about me and moving on with he life, whilst i'm still hung up on her.

What exactly are you humg up on?  What is it that she did for you or made you feel that makes it hard to be without her?  What happiness did she bring you?

That's a very good question. At times she made me truely miserable. Then other times, she made me the happiest bloke around. I never really knew what person I was going to get day to day. I idolised the future we could have had. We spoke about kids, marriage, travelling and I really thought, even with all the grief and turmoil that we would be together for ever.

She was beautiful, funny and charismatic. But, then she was insecure, aggressive and a real manipulator. 

I'm angry with myself for contacting her. She really must think I'm weak.

No one is saying that you have to hate her. You can miss someone AND realize that they're not good for you. That's from DBT-dialectics... . that it's not a case of "either/or" but rather "and"... you can accept the feelings you have AND you can take steps to make yourself feel better (the change bit).

What can do you do to make yourself feel better? Exercise? Contact friends? Post here? Set yourself a goal? Go on a holiday? Start a new hobby? No one is saying that you have to be feeling over the moon right now-that would be unrealistic however I think it would be wise for you to take steps to take care of yourself. There are great resources in the workshop section of this website on issues like values and boundaries, taking care of ourselves etc.

You mention "I'm still sad enough to contact her"-by contacting her, you're eroding your sense of self-respect. You've posted that you felt weak afterwards. Self-respect is all about our actions as opposed to how we're feeling in a given moment. So you may miss her but by prioritizing your self-respect, you might say "look, I will distract myself until the urge to contact her passes. I want to be able to hold my head high and move on with my life with dignity".

So to summarize, you have the right to your feelings however you're also responsible for how you deal with those emotions. You're not feeling great which is understandable however keep focusing on whatever you have to do to make the situation better-or at least not make it any worse.

There are people here who've been in your shoes before so no one is judging you-it's more that people are trying to encourage you to make good decisions in your life.

I've been doing everything possible. I'm constantly seeing friends, working out everyday, making future plans to go travelling by myself, but I still, at the end of the day, miss her.

I have so much i want to say to her. I made mistakes in the relationship, and i obviously didn't know how to take her so i took things personally and acted back in anger which i'm not proud of. I don't expect us to get back, but i just want to highlight the mistakes i made to contribute to us splitting and the changes i've made.

Well it's your life at the end of the day Eric so it's really up to yourself what you do. I am glad to hear that you've been keeping busy though.

I understand what you are going through Eric. I've just spent the better part of two months abroad with my partner, and much of it was pretty good, thanks to a book by Valerie Porr about BPD and how to handle. I defused so many potential episodes... very proud of myself. But gradually, the manipulation and nastiness got to me... and I blew last week. Stopped validating etc... which of course has now escalated her bad behavior. I desperately want to get out of this, but I am struggling with the same thing you are going through. Ugh. Thank god for this site though, right?

I know we all make mistakes, but I really regret mine. I didn't do anything really bad, but I did react back at times angrily & she said she felt unloved.

I have wrote an email. Not asking for her back, just highlighting what I did wrong and the changes I've made.

Eric, are you writing the letter with some hope that, if you admit your mistakes and changes you have made, she will see the light and give it another go?

You mentioned that you plan to go travelling.  This is a great thing to do to get over what you are going through. I went of travelling and within a few weeks, bingo, girl forgotten about.  Are you in a position to do this soon?  Make as long as you can, when you do get round to it.

I went through something very similar to what you went through (even wrote a letter months after explaining my frustrations regretfully) and I look back now and am so glad I walked away.  The happiness this girl made you feel was only to keep you hooked on her and to serve the purpose of maknig her feel good by the attention you gave her. 

I think i would be lying if i said i didn't want the email to make her think we could work it all out again.

I won't be able to go traveling til this time next year, which is rubbish. If i could pack my bags now, rent my house out, i'd be gone in a heartbeat.

Do you think the apology would be apreciated? Part of me thinks it'll make her angry for dragging it all back up again.

We (people in general, non's, disordered or otherwise) don't miss anybody we're still hearing from mate!

Do you think that what you did was the reason that she decided to walk away from the relationship?  From what you have said, it is unlikely that is the case.  I would say she will appreciate that you have validated her belief that the break up was down to issues you have.  And it will also give her the belief that can start manipulating you into being there for her when things go wrong with whatever relationship she is in.  And she will just keep recycling you to make herself feel better.

All the while you are sitting and waiting in hope that one of these recycles will be time when she finally realises it is you that she should be with.

I know it is tough mate, but if you have already sent that email, make it the last contact you have with her.  And if you have not sent it, try your best not to.

A pity about the travelling.  If you can, start getting things planned for it.  Head off for a year.  You won't remember her name at the end of that. :-)

Moonie is correct on his last point there. 

There was times in the relationship where i acted out of character, got angry, said things i didn't mean & this eventually pushed her away.

I know she won't miss me if i'm always here. But, she won't want to come back if things wouldn't be different. We both need to change, but with what i've learnt, i would be better equiped.

Of course you reacted, and acted out of character. People with BPD can make you crazy! But here is the thing; do you really think, even if you were perfect, that things would be ok? It is important to remind oneself that this isnt just "tough relationship stuff." If she has BPD, this is a person with a serious, untreated mental illness, and nothing you do is going to change that. Yes, you can learn how to not make it worse, and walk through the minefield with triggering her less. But make no mistake; she will blow. My own situation is with a partner who rages every 4 to 6 weeks. Yes, I learned how to trigger her less. (By keeping my emotions, or any criticisms I might have, to myself. It is extremely lonely.)  But eventually, you'll get tired, or have work, or not enough sleep, and your best skills will wobble. Kaboom!

I'm no success example here, as my partner just stomped off today and got on an airplance, as she is wont to do. I feel that same panic and sadness... . wondering if this is the time she'll leave me for good. But I also know - I KNOW - that the best thing in the world would be for that exact thing to happen. So I am trying like hell to keep a mitten over the dialing finger. :))... . and will forgive myself if and when I fail that. Do what you need to do... but don't go down the mental rabbit hole and blame yourself. Be strong mate.

Why do I feel the need to apologise for my mistakes?

She treated me like crap.

Eric --

It's the F.O.G. You're on the fringes of it. It keeps trying to pull you back in. That's just how it works.

The "G" stands for "guilt." You feel guilty, so you want to apologize. You want to apologize, because you feel responsible for what you feel you did wrong. You feel like, if you apologize, you will be forgiven, and then things can be right again.

This is normal thinking. You're being logical.

But BPD isn't logical. It is possible that you had nothing to do with what happened. Sure, your responses could have been better -- you're only human. But did you cause it? Or were you just responding, even reacting, out of exasperation? Did you get defensive? Did you feel attacked?

You know, sometimes, when we get angry, it's because we have something to get angry about!

What happened the last time something went wrong in this r-ship, and you apologized? Did it get better? Did the chaos stop?

Eric, you're making excuses for her and then kicking yourself for it. It seems that you feel you caused the chaos. You may not have reacted like a gentleman because we cannot make sense of the nonsense and it is extremely frustrating, especially when it comes out of the blue while everything is rosy. Please consider the advice of eyvindr above and stop punishing yourself.

Ugh Val I didn't know you made him go. I was using you as a clutch thinking maybe we can make this thing work.

Eric, one of the most humiliating moments in my life is when I texted my uBPDbf (ex at the Time) and his new ( home wrecking skanky) b texted me back. Don't do it! Stop. Leave her alone.

I have never dealt with so much pain and humiliation as I have dealing with someone with BPD. Don't make yourself look desperate. She is probably laughing at you with her new man. Your sincere efforts to her are a joke. Move on. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Do you really want to be stuck in another recycle?

I've bettered myself. I want us to get back and to work it out. Knowing what I know now will put me in better stead for the future.

Will she ever come back? No.

Can I try? Yes.

I'm having a weak day.

Please stop me from contacting her. I've wrote a text message, highlighting what I done wrong in the relationship. I have guilts and regrets & looking back, i did contribute to the break up. I know it takes two, but i feel the need to apologise.

Eric, only you can stop yourself from contacting her.

Where is all this guilt stemming from?  Is it in your nature to feel guilty?

I regret the way I acted at times in our relationship. It's not a text saying "i miss you i want you back" It's just saying that we all make mistakes,but I have to take responsibility for mine as they're the only ones ican change"

It won't change our circumstances, but it gives me peace of mind because i do feel guilty about the way i was.

Alright, then it sounds like you want to contact her for peace of mind.

I just don't want to come accross as pathetic for it. Should i state "I'm not asking to get back"

Until you get really clear yourself about what you want, it would probably be best to sit tight and find healthy ways to work through your anxiety.  Any correspondence while you're in a questioning state of mind, will come across as just that... . unsure of yourself, which isn't attractive.

I want to apologise for my mistakes, nothing more, nothing less.

What are your mistakes? 

I pushed her emotionally away at times, got angry and said things i didn't mean, was dismissive. She was supposed to move in with me and I didn't take her feelings into account which caused arguements and put a stop to her moving in.

She done worse, but thats not the point. I still made mistakes, which i'm not pleased with.

Eric, nobody here can give you the answers you'll need to move forward with your life in one straight shot.  If you want to apologize, apologize.  We all do things that someone else might advise us against, because it's our own journey we're on.  That's how we learn.

What I found very interesting personally, is that when I so wanted to reach out, but instead did something different fulfilling to myself, the urge (to make contact) passed like gas.  I was no longer looking at someone else as the answer and soothing balm for my own internal turmoil.

Have you apologized for any of this already?

ok so what's the point in telling her? 

Because i had my part to play in the breakup. If i hadn't of pushed her away, then we probably wouldn't be in this position. I have regrets.

It's a good step when we can own our own contribution to the relationship, as long as we're not taking on too much, like the other person's... .   Or pushing our agenda on another... .

Eric, she's seeing someone else right now, correct?

Maybe it would be best to leave her alone for a few, while you learn to get comfy with yourself.

As a woman who has been involved with breakups, I would feel very uncomfortable if my old boyfriend kept contacting me while I was in a new relationship, trying to move on.  The contact would not make me want him back.  I would probably think about how it's still 'all about him' and he's not taking my needs seriously... . Space.  This would feel to me like a desperate attempt to stay attached.

You are no longer a couple.   

Has she apologised to you for the things that she did?

If you apologise you are just validating her beleif that it was all your fault that the relationship failed and will just maker her feel better about going off with her new guy.

It will also you line you up to be her emotional crutch whenever her current relationship fails.

Are you sure that the things you are saying you did to her, you actually did do?  Or did she tell you pushed here away, were dismissive etc?

Do not send her a text Eric.  Stay strong amd show this girl you can mve on.

She said sorry for hurting me... .

I did push her away. I couldn't take the rages or the controlling behaviour anymore and broke. We would argue constantly. There was times that i over stepped the mark, which i'm not proud of. 

If stepping over the mark is getting very physical then ok understandable you could feel bad but don't dwell on it too much

I have behaved in a way with my current gf in ways I am not proud of, like pushing her in respense to her hitting me. Something I have never done in my life before. And of course these retaliations of mine have been used to paint me black to all her friends while she fails to mentions the bruises she have left me with on numerous occasions.

Do not beat yourself up as I am sure she is doing enough of that about you to her current bf.

Ok so apologize later when the an appropriate time arises.  Then be done because you said you couldn't take the rages and really that's the bottom line.  The rages would have continued.  We all have to lick our wounds and move on when we just can't take it. 

I sent the apology. I didn't get a response, but I knew that could happen.

I feel good about it. I can now stop thinking about what I done wrong & really start to move on. Put all this passed me.

One day, when I've met someone who I'm attracted to and can make me laugh, I'll look back and think, why did i waste so much time on someone who doesn't deserve me.

|iiii

I think this is a good moment:


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