Need some support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The last contact I had from my Ex was her appologising for messing with my head because she kept contacting me, thinking we could be friends, even though she has been seeing someone (which she said 'it's not right'.

I told her that we can't be friends & we both agreed that we need to remove each others numbers.

It's been 4 days today NC, and I want to contact her. I need some tough love, because i know NC is the only way, it really is, but i always find it really difficult.

[Eric1]

The last contact I had from my Ex was her appologising for messing with my head because she kept contacting me, thinking we could be friends, even though she has been seeing someone (which she said 'it's not right'.

I told her that we can't be friends & we both agreed that we need to remove each others numbers.

It's been 4 days today NC, and I want to contact her. I need some tough love, because i know NC is the only way, it really is, but i always find it really difficult.

[Validation78]

Hey Eric!

I think everyone here has told you the same thing, including me. You just have to tough this time out. Keep busy, don't answer her calls, texts, emails, smoke signals! Don't reach out to her either, no matter what you are feeling. I know friend, it's hard 

If you work as hard at getting healthy, and staying away from her as you do a job, you will emerge from this nightmare a stronger and better person. You must commit to putting yourself above everything else!

These are affirmations I say EVERY day. Even 8 months since I asked BPDh to exit!:

Letting go will help me to be healthy

I control my own life and decisions

I am healthy

I am strong

I feel good about letting go

Letting go will help me to be healthy

Say this every time you want to reach out to her. Even if it's every 5 minutes. The more you say it, the more you will believe it. Eric, friend, you've got to try a different approach. I can say to you what my best friend said to me, since you asked for tough love!

If you call him (her in your case) I will come there, and physically restrain you from any movement, body and mouth. (meant to be funny, hope you smiled)! Hang in there!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Eric1]

You are right. I don't know why i can't give up the ghost. I'm already in a much better place. The FOG has cleared, but i'm still missing her. I know its natural to miss her & i'm powerless to change her feelings, but it's tough.

[dotSlash]

No matter how impossible it may seem in your mind right now, you can and will find someone else. But don't hold that thought too closely and rush into another relationship (rebound). Use this time to better yourself and make sure you love yourself before you move on to love another person

[Moonie75]

Eric, me old mate.

I really understand your struggle chum, I honestly do!

I set myself a NC target, and when I get there I'm going to reward myself. Then I'll set a new NC target & continue towards that. I'm 6 weeks into NC now & i'm not gonna lie to you, it's still tough at times, but working towards that target has definitely made the difference for me (although it might not work for everybody).

I know if I cave in I'll be absolutely furious with myself for lots of reasons & that's another incentive.

They only get an ego boost from us reaching out & we get nothing at all from the deal. You won't get any reply that helps you I can promise you that with almost certainty mate.

If they're not reaching out that's because (at the moment) they don't NEED to! Your contacting her  will only stir up guilt & trigger her! You've already become her trigger during the latter parts of the relationship so you know what results triggering her brings.

I know the NC hurts mate, but consider what breaking it does... .

1- Gives the power you've generated with your strict NC self discipline straight over to her.

2- Gives her an ego boost while denting your own.

3- Makes you look weak when you need to look strong.

4- Puts you right back to square one & you having to live with the incredibly frustrating knowledge that you did it to yourself.

5- Shows her/gives her the impression that you're still on the shelf for when she's done with new guy. (whipped dog at its wimpiest) and makes you look VERY weak, also making you less attractive & giving power to the new dude (which you won't like but it's true my friend).

And much much more... Do you need any more incentive to hold it together through your 'wobble'?

Stay strong mate you're doing well & keep going doing well.

[eyvindr]

Eric --

Hard to accept, but Moonie's words are likely accurate:

If they're not reaching out that's because (at the moment) they don't NEED to!

Something to repeat to yourself, as needed:

"Let the past go, let the dead rest, never aim low, and know what's to come is best."

Hang in there.

[Eric1]

I deserve more than we she gave me. She treated me like crap & I kept her on that pedestal.

She's going to my rugby clubs beer festival and I have to wait to go because she said she doesn't want to see me. It's my club!

I'm never contacting her again. I'm doing everything for me now.

She will treat the next bloke like crap because that's what she does. She has issues she needs to sort out and I can't sort then. She goes to wanting to be friends to then completely nothing. Pathetic. Mind games. Her loss.

[DetroitDame]

I deserve more than we she gave me. She treated me like crap & I kept her on that pedestal.

She's going to my rugby clubs beer festival and I have to wait to go because she said she doesn't want to see me. It's my club!

I'm never contacting her again. I'm doing everything for me now.

She will treat the next bloke like crap because that's what she does. She has issues she needs to sort out and I can't sort then. She goes to wanting to be friends to then completely nothing. Pathetic. Mind games. Her loss.

Eric1:  The mind games are the worst but healing is the BEST!  Stay strong and know you have all the support you need.

[Eric1]

I went to MY rugby clubs beer fesitval yesterday. She told me to come after 8 as she would be gone by then. She wasn't, she was still there. We did speak, but it was awkward. She looked great. I miss her again.

:'(

[Eric1]

Been out with friends all over the weekend, obviously drinking which is a bit of a depressant afterwards. I haven't contacted her since i bumped into her Friday. 

She has a job interview on Thursday, which I know about. I'm thinking about messaging her good luck or something along those lines.

[Moonie75]

Do you understand the term NO contact?

I ask because you seem to struggle with understanding no contact means no using things as reasons to contact. F**k sake Eric you're hard work!

[Eric1]

I know I am, Moonie. It's hard tho. I know everyone experiences the same, but it doesn't make it easier.

[Aussie0zborn]

Eric, please don't do it.  If she gets the job it will be on her own merits and not because you wished her luck.

I would think that refraining from making contact on this occasion will bring you one step closer to healing and give you bonus points on your NC.

I'm glad you asked the question because I sure as hell didn't and I went back for more grief. You will have nothing to gain, but a lot to lose.  Hang in there. You can do it. If in doubt, read Moonie's fist reply above.

[popeye6031]

Eric buddy, what are you getting from contacting her?  All I see is you end up feeling worse about yourself.

As everyone else has said here, do not contact her and getbas far as you can from her. I have been reading through your other posts and must say I went .through something very similar with a girl.  It came to the stage where I was used as her emotional crutch. There to make her feel better about all her problems.  I would watch my phone every day hoping for a text and be so happy when I got one. Eventually I had enough and said I could not do it any longer.  I did well with the no contact and for the first few months every few weeks I would get a text trying to pull me back in. I usually reponded with an answer that could warrant no response.  It killed me for a long time but I look back and thank my lucky stars that I chose to walk away. 

So mate, look deep inside yourself and ask if the few good times and memories you had with her outway all the emotional baggage, negativity and stress you also had to put up with.  If you ended up with this girl, at some point in your future, you will have wished you made a different choice.  You are not going to fix her.

[Eric1]

At times, i think it's the best thing for us to be apart, that i really dodged a bullet. But, days like today, i miss her so much. I haven't contacted her, she hasn't contacted me, which is for the best in the long run. But, it doesn't take the pain away.

I feel extremely depressed today.  :'(

[popeye6031]

Believe me mate, it will get better.  I know that you are hurting now but time will heal this.  What really got me over that one was travelling.  So, if you get a chance to go on a long vacation, go for it.

I have currently had NC with my fiance (second uBPD I have been invovled with) and it is hurting mut the experience of the first relationship and the realisation of what my life is like with her in it and trying to control me, I know that I will be so much better off if we split for good.

Hope you pick up soon.

[Eric1]

Jesus Christ! She told me she has a job interveiw tomorrow and I feel the need to wish her good luck! Why!

I'm making this so difficult.

[123Phoebe]

Jesus Christ! She told me she has a job interveiw tomorrow and I feel the need to wish her good luck! Why!

I'm making this so difficult.

Sounds to me like you're very emotionally attached to this girl.  So much so that whatever she does you'll find a way to rationalize it, to be a part of it, to the detriment of your own wellbeing.

There's really nothing wrong with wishing someone good luck in and of itself.  What's your motivation behind it, though? 

Did deep, not superficially... .

[Seashells]

Hi Eric,

I don't know if this will help you, but here goes.  

I've felt that excruciating "want to make contact"; it's like a drug and we want a "hit".   I employed many strategies to get through it.  Sometimes the more I told myself not too, the more I wanted to.  

Sometimes when it felt like it would be better for me to do it, just to get the "hit" and feel that instant relief and "hit", I'd extrapolate it out.  I'd think, okay it's going to feel really good for the moment.  And then what?  What's the next step.  What do I expect the outcome to be?   And then I'd have to get real with myself and realize I was hoping for a fantasy outcome that wasn't very realistic.    

If that didn't work so well, I'd ask myself how am I going to feel if I do this and the response to my contact is a cold fish left in my hands.      Probably worse than I already feel right now.  

And anyway it would get me through to the next time.  I had to try different thoughts and different ways to cope.  I never found just one way that consistently worked for me.  Sometimes I also just "let go" saying to myself if it's meant to be it will be.   I let go of the thought I could control the outcome or change the future by doing just one thing at one moment that would change everything.  Realizing it just doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm in a different place with things right now, yet I still go through it on occasion myself.   It can be very, very hard and emotionally painful.  It's not healthy to have to repeatedly go through recycles and go through that kind of withdraw over and over.  It takes a toll of it's own, and it's hard to see while we're still in the thick of it.

Be Well Friend

[Eric1]

I didn't text her this morning wishing her luck.

However,

I just texted asking how the interview went! FFS! I can't help myself.

Seriously starting to think i'm the one with BPD!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Eric,

     Moving on from these damaging r/s is not a decision; it's a process.  You're begun that process by intellectually understanding some of the dynamics underpinning what is happening inside your head, but the problem is that there are, almost literally, two voices inside you right now.  The emotional, subconscious one makes you feel but doesn't communicate verbally at all, so it's a bit difficult for that part of you to reconcile with the rest of your personality. 

     For now, take a little of the pressure off yourself.  You will always be less than perfect, right? So, accept that, own it, be the man you are, get up off the turf and laugh it off.  You'll do better next time (and then, presumably, screw up again) and eventually the screw ups will be fewer and fewer until you're doing well almost all the time.  That's when what you feel and what you think will be happy living together in your head again.  You'll get there, mate; it isn't fast or easy for anyone.  Hang in, we're all pulling for you.

LT

[Eric1]

I have been getting better. It was day 6, so my next target is 7 days!

She hasn't bothered replying, so at least I can gauge now that she isn't interested in the slightest.

Road to recovery starts again!

[eyvindr]

A suggestion.

Focus on this:

I have been getting better. It was day 6, so my next target is 7 days!

Good for you!

Don't focus on this:

She hasn't bothered replying, so at least I can gauge now that she isn't interested in the slightest.

Think about it. What are you doing when you make that assessment? Why are you "gauging" anything? What are you gauging? Not being critical -- just pointing out that there's no way for you or anyone else to have any idea what she's thinking or feeling. It's totally out of your control.

And -- it's totally irrelevant to your recovery path. *You* are getting better. *That's* what's important.

Focus on this:

Road to recovery starts again!

All due respect. Just my 0.02.

Carry on!

[Eric1]

I expect she's thinking 'leave me alone'. She did say we need to delete each others numbers & I said we wouldn't speak for a while.

Goes to show how weak I am.

[Eric1]

I should hate her for the way she treated me, but i can't. I can't find it in myself to hate her. All i do is miss her. She's started seeing someone else, which is why she has no use for me now & i'm still sad enough to contact her and show interest.

I know NC is the only option, but it's so hard. She's forgetting about me and moving on with he life, whilst i'm still hung up on her.

[popeye6031]

What exactly are you humg up on?  What is it that she did for you or made you feel that makes it hard to be without her?  What happiness did she bring you?

[Eric1]

That's a very good question. At times she made me truely miserable. Then other times, she made me the happiest bloke around. I never really knew what person I was going to get day to day. I idolised the future we could have had. We spoke about kids, marriage, travelling and I really thought, even with all the grief and turmoil that we would be together for ever.

She was beautiful, funny and charismatic. But, then she was insecure, aggressive and a real manipulator. 

I'm angry with myself for contacting her. She really must think I'm weak.

[musicfan42]

No one is saying that you have to hate her. You can miss someone AND realize that they're not good for you. That's from DBT-dialectics... . that it's not a case of "either/or" but rather "and"... you can accept the feelings you have AND you can take steps to make yourself feel better (the change bit).

What can do you do to make yourself feel better? Exercise? Contact friends? Post here? Set yourself a goal? Go on a holiday? Start a new hobby? No one is saying that you have to be feeling over the moon right now-that would be unrealistic however I think it would be wise for you to take steps to take care of yourself. There are great resources in the workshop section of this website on issues like values and boundaries, taking care of ourselves etc.

You mention "I'm still sad enough to contact her"-by contacting her, you're eroding your sense of self-respect. You've posted that you felt weak afterwards. Self-respect is all about our actions as opposed to how we're feeling in a given moment. So you may miss her but by prioritizing your self-respect, you might say "look, I will distract myself until the urge to contact her passes. I want to be able to hold my head high and move on with my life with dignity".

So to summarize, you have the right to your feelings however you're also responsible for how you deal with those emotions. You're not feeling great which is understandable however keep focusing on whatever you have to do to make the situation better-or at least not make it any worse.

There are people here who've been in your shoes before so no one is judging you-it's more that people are trying to encourage you to make good decisions in your life.

[Eric1]

I've been doing everything possible. I'm constantly seeing friends, working out everyday, making future plans to go travelling by myself, but I still, at the end of the day, miss her.

I have so much i want to say to her. I made mistakes in the relationship, and i obviously didn't know how to take her so i took things personally and acted back in anger which i'm not proud of. I don't expect us to get back, but i just want to highlight the mistakes i made to contribute to us splitting and the changes i've made.

[musicfan42]

Well it's your life at the end of the day Eric so it's really up to yourself what you do. I am glad to hear that you've been keeping busy though.