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Someone invited me to attend a Super Bowl football event for guys at a community facility in my ex-girlfriends neighborhood.  I happened to run into her 15 year old son at this same event, so I pleasantly greeted him.  He and I had a great relationship together.  Shortly thereafter, I see him pointing me out to the leader of the facility, whom I had met before around our dating relationship.  I was then approached by this same leader, being informed that my ex-girlfriend had talked to him over the phone to address her concern of feeling unsafe with me around her children.  There was never an issue of me being unsafe either around her or her children ever, so this is completely unwarranted.  I actually used to drive her children around in a vehicle by myself, which included her 18 year old daughter.  This same leader banned me to not return to his community facility in the future, as my ex-girlfriend and children are involved there.  I agreed to comply and left.  

The following day I receive a phone call from the police telling me that they were calling on behalf of my ex-girlfriend to criminally charge me with harassment.  I have never been contacted by the police before and I do not have a restraining order or criminal record either.  Making this harassment charge another extreme overreaction and a false allegation against me by her.  I have been in shock and disbelief that she would ever do this to me.  

Any advice on how I should respond/counteract on this?  

Have you contacted a lawyer?

Yes, I have contacted a lawyer.  Just wondering if there is any other insights/advice from people on this end who can provide another angle/perspective.

What kind of advice are you looking for? This is not a BPD thing. This is now a legal matter. Please, protect yourself. Do not contact your ex or anyone in her family. I'm glad you've talked to a lawyer. Do not talk to the police again without a lawyer present. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you. Harassment charges can turn into assault or even sexual assault charges. Sorry, don't mean to scare you. Too familiar with false allegations.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

I would get your facts together.

FIrst speak to the friend that invited you and get them to confirm this fact. Which proves you didnt go there off of your own back.

Then get any witnesses who saw the Interaction with her son to confirm that it was just a friendly hello and nothing more malicious. That you bumped into him and didnt seek him out. Also their opinion on how he reacted to seeing you. Was he pleased or scared? If he was pleased to see you then it shows he isnt scared of you.

This will show a picture that may show her overeaction.

I was hit with a restraining order because I contacted my ex to tell her that I had tested positive to an STD, she claimed that I was "emotionally abusing" by passing on this info.

Do not contact her or her family or her friends, glad that you have seen an attorney. Never be surprised at what these people can do after a r/s is over.

Are you searching for reasons why she might have done this?

Here's my perspective on the BPD smear campaign. We meant a lot to them, if they feel you abandoned them and especially if they did the dumping, on a rational level their actions don't make any sense. For them to make sense of dumping someone they loved (however a BPD ever loves) they have to come to hate you, otherwise nothing makes any sense to them. Think about it, their thinking is: I loved them, they were ab great person, they engulfed me, I feared abandonment so I dumped them but now I have to twist things around so I hate them.

My ex had no reason to hate me, on our last day together she talked about always wanting me as a best friend because she could not imagine her life without me in it. But now she totally hates me, hates me harder than anyone has ever hated me, that's how she makes sense of ending the r/s. I hope this makes sense.

No truer words... .the more that they loved you, the more that they will hate you after they split you and paint you black. Mine blocked me from contact... .I called her after a several months from an unblocked hotel phone when I attempted to call her. I said 'hello', she hung up and an hour later I got a call from the local cops.

As I understand it, such contact results in a kind of emotional meltdown that they will do ANYTHING desperate to assuage. They are powerless to rationalize it so taking legal action to block the very possibility in the future is a 'logical' step for them. Mine went as far to block me on social media (even unfriending my friends and demanding her friends do the same), phone, text etc. Its incredible. 

To me this all sounds not by the book.  The police call, after the fact, and they are CHARGING you with harassment?  What was the harassment.  You left without question or incident.  I didn't realize this could happen, after the fact and without the police even being there they can charge you.  Are you certain this was the police and not someone claiming to be the police?

Hi Restored2,

What an awful experience to be at an event completely separate from your ex, only to have this happen. You probably feel distressed that things could be this chaotic even after the relationship ended. Is this the first false allegation against you?

EDIT:


Good point! Let's hope it was just a bunch of BS. If not:

I'm not familiar with a criminal charge for harassment, or how the police do that. It sounds like they have formally charged you, so are you now waiting for paperwork to arrive by mail?

If this works like a protective or restraining order, there is often an initial hearing in which only the plaintiff has to appear. Most often, the PO is granted as a protective measure to diffuse potential conflict. You would get a notice to appear in court which is your chance to defend yourself.

Not all people who are BPD are high-conflict. Bill Eddy, who is an expert on high-conflict personalities, says that pwBPD are high-conflict only when they have a negative advocate, a target of blame, and a PD. It sounds like your ex is headed that direction.  

An article I really like that covers this is High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.0). It will help you understand how BPD and the legal system mix, and what you (and a lawyer) can do to try and get through this without a lot of damage.

If you're not guilty, the unfortunate things about about a PO or RO is that they are easy to get. If you're the person trying to protect yourself from harassment, it's a completely different view. For you, because it's a false allegation, you have to figure out what happens next. Call a DV hotline -- if you call one that caters to men, they should be familiar with false allegations. Or call a lawyer to consult (probably more effective for now). It often costs $200-$300 to talk to them for an hour, and if you retain them they waive it. It's worth it just to make sure you know how things work. Take notes! It's easy to feel stressed and forget what they said. Or, if you meet them in person, think about having someone come with you and write down what the lawyer says.

Then make a plan. You want to make sure you understand the consequences of her not appearing, what kind of proof she needs, what you need to defend yourself, whether this becomes a part of your permanent record, what type of harassment charge is being alleged, what type of alibis can help you.

I've been in court a lot -- 60 filings in 4 years    and saw a lot of stuff pass through court. A lot of this stuff comes down to the magistrate or judge. See if you can learn who will be your judge and what's known about him/her. My judge was good, and tossed out a lot of nutty stuff because the logic was flawed. People with BPD don't tend to think through their stories very carefully and can make 180 degree turns right in front of the judge. They can also be persuasive blamers, so do some legwork to figure out how things work. Information is your best friend right now.

 

Could this just be projection gone too far?  Filing false harassment charges IS harassment.

I've seen this work in weird ways, my ex cheated on her first husband.  I have e-mails going back and forth between them deciding who was going to file for divorce.  Ex filed for a fault divorce claiming the husband was cheating.  This was the most crystal clear example of projection I had at the time.

Thank you for all of the replies.  Much appreciated.

Jessica84: Actually it is "BPD thing", that has turned towards a legal matter.  Thank you for the warnings.  I am seeking advice on how best to protect myself with drawing a line in the sand here.  Wondering if there is a way to put something on file with the police that would indicate her undiagnosed BPD traits.  Also, wondering if a legal charge against her by me of false allegations or otherwise would be beneficial for me.

enlightenme: Good advice on the witness statements.  Her son looked quite pleased to see me with offering a smile, showing no signs of being scared whatsoever.

drummerboy: What a horrible experience your ex put you through.  My first mistake was to underestimate her and what she could do to me.  Interesting perspective you share.  It's so unfortunate that your ex put you through the hate ringer the way that she is.  For me, she was the one who abruptly broke up with me, ran away from me and blocked me out.  She had told me towards the beginning of our relationship that she only wanted to contribute to my life and not complicate it.  Somehow that got switched around on me.  It really is difficult to make sense out of the senselessness of it all.  

Mike-X: I would like to know why she is doing this to me, when she knows that I have never done anything to harm her or her children ever.  :)uring our relationship she claimed that I treated her like a princess and that I treated her children very well too.  She also thanked me for loving her in her unloveliness, which I still have in text messages.

JRT: It is incredible what these BPD people can put us through.  It's very unfortunate that you had to experience the same kind of drastic police measures, along with the other blockages that you did.  Interestingly, I hear that it is not unusual for these BPD people to make contact to reconcile a relationship sometime down the road after they have called the police on this same person.  

scraps66: Nothing seems by the book here.  Yes, the police called the following day after the fact, did not specify what the harassment was and I left without question/incident.  The female police constable was extremely aggressive over the phone to me.  She claimed that she had evidence to charge me and she did not want to hear my side of the story.  I was told that I had 1.5 hours to meet with the police or a warrant for my arrest would be immediately issued.  When I said that I needed to discuss with a lawyer for legal advice, she responded that she would give me a phone book to contact a lawyer.  I informed her that I could arrange meeting with her in a couple of days.  Her response was that I was being non-compliant and that her notes would state as such, which would not bode well for me when I stood before a judge in court.  The call ended with this constable telling me that she would call me back the following week, as it appears that she had some time off.  That would have been last week and I have not heard back from this constable.  Another ex-police officer friend of mine went into the police station and spoke to the staff sergeant who confirmed that this is all legitimate.  You make a good point about this possibly being "projection gone too far".  Maybe I should look at charging her with harassment in this... . 

livednlearned: Thank you for providing me with the advice and legal article link that you did.  It has been an awful experience for me.  I have felt extremely distressed by it all.  To the point of me physically shaking in shock from the entire ordeal for days on end.  I have not been formally charged, but I am in the police system as a result of this allegation and it could still be under investigation.  What is a ":)V hotline"?

DV hotline: is domestic violence hotline. In the US, most of the hotlines obviously cater to women victims. But a growing number have expertise dealing with male victims, and same gender DV. If you call a national hotline, they may patch you through somewhere local. You want to ask if there is anyone with experience dealing with male victim abuse. You're the target of a false allegation and have some questions, etc. I'm recommending it because it's a free resource and you may hit the jackpot and find someone who can give you good counsel on how to respond to police, etc. Also, in the Duluth model of DV, which was developed for female victims, there is a wedge for "male entitlement/abuse of privileges." In the male victim version, that wedge is "manipulation of the legal system." So people who understand male DV will (hopefully) understand why this is abusive. Unfortunately, not all DV hotlines are that enlightened, which is why it can be hit or miss. Your best option is to get a good lawyer who doesn't -- and this is important -- tell you to admit to something you didn't do.

Harassment is not usually the same as domestic violence, though. It's strange that you haven't been told what the nature of the harassment is. Definitely get a lawyer -- especially since the officer who talked to you said that you were being non-compliant.

I would be tempted to put in a complaint about the officers attitude to you. From what you said she was hostile and biased.

Its one thing that sickens me how people automatically take the womans side without hearing both sides or even paying attention to the facts.

Livenlearned: Thank you for clarifying.  I reside in Canada and can look into the domestic violence hotline on this side of the border.  It does appear to be "manipulation of the legal system" against me.  It is all very strange to me.  This aggressive female constable has instilled no confidence in me feeling safe to approach the police whatsoever.

enlightenme: I fully intend to put in a complaint against this aggressive female police constable.  She was beyond biased.  She is a female police officer that may have some BPD issues of her own to deal with.

It was incredible when the cop called me as well: female cops spoke to me with pronounced prejudice and bias; she had already convicted me and it was not by making a phone call. She spoke to me almost as if I was routinely beating her and her death was imminent. She went for it hook line and sinker. The incident marked one of the lowest spots not only of my r/s with her but my entire life.

Or maybe she has been in or witness to abuse and is reacting to that. Either way it doesnt justify being judge and executioner on one persons say so.

U.S. and Canada: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)


IPV = intimate partner violence. I wanted to include this here because the courts do not substantiate all of the claims. It feels awful to be the target of a false allegation, but with a good lawyer, you stand a chance to have it dismissed. And like I said before, your ex may not even follow through. It takes resources to keep this stuff going.

Something smells really fishy.  Is it possible ex knows a constable and called in a favor?  I don't know any officers that would have behaved this way.  The few times my ex "invited" the cops over, they were stearn and professional. 

JRT: I can totally relate with you, as this incident is marked as a lower than low spot relationally and for my entire life.  

enlightenme: It is quite possible that this female constable is reacting to what she herself has experienced and continues to experience on a day to day basis.  She most certainly does not have the right to jump to conclusions the way that she has.  Apparently, the police are taking romantic relationship matters to a higher level of protection for the complainant due to assaults and murders.  Unfortunately, this can result in false allegations involving skewed thinking from fears and phobias of a BPD person.

livenlearned: Thank you for following up with the helpline phone number and statistics.  Very interesting findings provided here.  Your encouraging words are a breath of fresh air too.  

scraps66: I applaud you for your strong sniffer of something smelling really fishy here.  It was anything but professional.  My ex does know a male police officer that could have called in a favor.  The police complaint is registered on file though.

So, has a report been filed?  Did the ex-officer or your lawyer find out what precisely the allegations was?

Good that you have witnesses, that you were invited there.  They could speak up and verify your account of events.  Be aware that them writing a letter on your behalf may not be enough.  In the USA it is testimony that counts.  As my lawyer would say, "I can't cross-examine a piece of paper."

This may all blow over - or not.  Be aware that many judges will err on the side of caution.  They don't want to read a headline in the paper or a leading story on the 6 pm news that they denied a protection order for someone who just got attacked or murdered.  Yes, a piece of paper might not protect a person from someone determined to do harm, but it can help in most cases.  So they issue a lot of paper.

Why did it happen?  It's hard to say precisely what a pwBPD is thinking.  That's the mental illness, they're not totally rational or 'normal' when their moods, feelings and perceptions get triggered and therefore you can't expect their actions, reactions and overreactions to be rational.  Clearly, the fact that you encountered her son was a triggering event.  Since pwBPD view just about all ended relationships as abusive ones - to avoid having any Blame in the end of the relationship - that may have been a big part of it.

I do agree, stay away from her and her family, especially while this issue is pending.  Don't reach out to her.  If she calls you, document it and decline to continue a conversation.  (Yes, she might call but don't fall for it, she could easily claim you then threatened her or who knows what.)  When I was separating and divorcing my ex, I routinely recorded myself and by extension my conversations to ensure I could prove I wasn't the aggressive or misbehaving person.

Odds are she has done this before to other former relationships, there might be a paper trail in the courts or police records.  If other complaints are on file then those records could be used to support your case that she is prone to make unwarranted allegations for retaliation or punishment rather than for the system's intended purposes.

ForeverDad: Thank you for sharing your insights and cautions.  I am being given next to no information on any of this, so I am not sure if a report was filed and what precisely the allegations are.  It's the part of the many judges erring on the side of caution that greatly concerns me.  I have very little faith in the court system, especially in regards to such romantic relationship disputes and allegations.  She could not honestly see me as being abusive towards either her or her children.  This is irrational fears/phobias based and has nothing to do with reality. 

livenlearned: I just phoned the helpline for domestic abuse that you provided.  Unfortunately, due to limited resources the recording stated that they have no one available to speak with.  Are there any other phone numbers in Canada that I could call to speak to a real person who could help me?

Funding is always an issue  

Maybe this will help you at least see the basic outline for responding to harassment charges in Canada (http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/cj-jp/fv-vf/har/part2.html) (for how police respond, anyway). A lot will depend on the province where you live.

While this is going on, it's a good idea to make sure you don't end up crossing paths with her. Don't go to her neighborhood or anywhere that she or her kids hang out. Some people here carry phones or other devices to record encounters, as a safety precaution. Although there are laws about "reasonable expectations of privacy." In my state, for example, they are known as one-party consent or two-party consent laws. Some people on the site who have been wrongfully accused will record regardless of the laws so they can show police what happened, and prevent the charge from going forward. It's a good question for a lawyer.

Keep a log of what you do, receipts, in case she makes up something about where you were (when you weren't.) At least until this is over.  

The one positive here is that she didn't do anything until you crossed her radar. That suggests she is a little less high-conflict that the normal high-conflict. It's a toss-up now, however, if she will keep this going.

livenlearned: Thank you for providing the link on responding to harassment charges in Canada and for the words of wisdom  as a caution.  It is a positive that she has not done anything until I crossed her radar.  She has never shown herself to be high conflict before, but then again I would never have thought her to call the police on me, let alone make accusations of harassment against me.  My concern extends to after the dust has all settled here, if down the road this could be all resurrected again by her with another crossing of her radar.  I would really like to have something on file with the police as my defense and possibly even file a legal charge against her for false allegations or something.

I'm still not able to get by the phone call charges of harassment.  How is this possible?  And based on the supposition of civilians that appear to not have even been interviewed?   If this was possible my ex would have done this non-stop.

Victim's rights stuff might be more proactive in Canada? I don't know. Just guessing. But yes, it does seem weird. That's why it's a good idea to call a lawyer. They'll know if this is even normal procedure.

Scraps66: I don't know.  It's all been a blur of insanity to me.  Are you saying that no threat of being charged for harassment should have happened over the phone by the police?  Maybe the police handle things differently here in Canada, eh?

I might have missed it but apart from saying she was a police woman what official contact have you had? Has a police station confirmed the initial contact?

Is it possible that your ex has spoken to her police friend and got them to contact you pretending its an official complaint?

enlightenme: I have only had contact via telephone with the police constable, but the police station did confirm the complaint.  Whether it is an "official complaint" or one processed through her police friend is another story.  They did want me to come into the station.

One problem we have to deal with is that the other person is disordered and in our cases doesn't care about the Truth, only his or her own perceptions.  So he or she can be very emotionally compelling in the claims and allegations even when it is all unsubstantiated and even outright false.

At typical outcome when facing false allegations is that they are found to be "unsubstantiated" and dismissed.  Seldom do we hear a ruling where they are called "false" or even "unfounded".  Courts are reluctant to call someone out.  I've been in and out of family court since late 2005.  After numerous allegations that were all heard and then set aside by the court and children's agency, I finally got a couple 'wins', if you can call them that.  In late 2007 I asked CPS for a written report on then-stbEx's latest allegation and it listed the closed case as "unsubstantiated".  In 2010 I had a Change of Circumstances case when I was seeking custody and the magistrate's decision noted, of all things, that my ex's testimony was "not credible" when she said she blocked my vacation notice during Winter Break because she wanted to 'observe' Kwanzaa even though she wasn't of 'Jewish descent.'  Yes, she was clueless that Kwanzaa had no connection with Jewish celebrations, just used it as an excuse to block my vacation with our son but she was only called "not credible".  That's how hard it is to get court to state something that is plain as day.

In the US you have a right to remain silent and a right not to incriminate yourself.  I don't know the laws of other countries, of course.  But I do know that my lawyer told me his first order of business was to sit on his clients to keep them from talking and getting themselves into even more trouble.  You see, us Nice Guys and Nice Gals have a habit that if we tell the whole truth then everything will work out just hunky dory.  But the legal system doesn't reward honesty, it uses it against you if it can.  For example you may say, "Yes but... ." or "No but... ." expecting the subsequent explanation to be considered fairly.  However, all they may pay attention to is the "Yes" or "No" and ignore the additional details.

In cases where the answer may sound bad your lawyer may ask that you remain silent, or give some other appropriate response such as "I don't recall", "I don't remember", etc.

In summary, never say anything that admits any level of guilt.  "If in doubt, leave it out!" - or ask your experienced lawyer.  (Yes, even something as simple and polite as "I'm sorry" can potentially be twisted or construed to be an admission of guilt.)  And don't sign any plea deals where you admit any level of guilt, at least not without your experienced lawyer's full approval.

ForeverDad: Thank you for sharing your personal experiences and insights in detail.  Your wisdom has come at the cost of much pain.  Sounds like you should either write a book or star in the movie version of this.  Your experiences pretty much confirms my lack of faith in the judicial court system, which is often far from justice oriented.  You're bang on about us nice guys and gals having a habit to believe "that if we tell the whole truth than everything will work out hunky dory".  Your sobering message makes me think that it would be best to avoid going to court, even as a complainant against my ex-girlfriend.

In the aftermath of the rubble, I am wondering if she will ever regret mistreating me with calling the police on me.  Any thoughts/perspectives?

A pwBPD regrets? Lol, don't be silly, that would require them admitting that they were wrong. Other people only exist for a BPD so they have someone to blame. They are the ultimate victims, everything is someone else's fault.

You go to court to make sure no further damage can be done, to defend a false allegation. Trying to use court to get even, or get justice, or punish her, or pay her back -- it won't work. It just won't.

The only way you would even come remotely close to having this be worth your while is if there was a pattern of false allegations.

Could be. The question is, will it matter? have a friend whose likely BPD gf (he even told me later that she was a cutter, and stories of sexual abuse) called the cops for DV when she was one one assaulting him. He spent a weekend in jail. The DA reduced or dropped the charge because she recanted.  He took her on vacation a few months later. After a week of love, she defamed him as an abuser publicly.  After that mess blew over (recycle #2), he got back together with her. Now she's pregnant. I tried counseling him, even refering him here. Didn't work. The last time I saw him by chance in the grocery store parking lot, he asked me, "so how do you handle the mood swings of a pregnant mother?" I shook my head, chatted for a bit and bid him farewell.

Protect yourself, you're the only one who can advocate for you.

it must have been hard not to respond a condomn but i am sure it would have been unapreciated

slyQQ: Your quote; "it must have been hard not to respond a condomn

but i am sure it would have been unapreciated".  I am not sure where you are coming from.  What do you mean?

Turkish: WOW... .Your friend really went from the fire to the kiln with his girl.  It's very unfortunate that he was not open to you and this bpdfamily for help.  He sounds like he needs all of the help that he can get.  Thanks for your words of caution.

livenlearned: I can see where you are coming from.  Despite how she is mistreating me, I do not want to cause her any harm.  I only want to protect myself through it.  There is no pattern of false allegations from her at all, as this is the very first encounter I have experienced on these terms.  Do you know of any way that I could put something on my police file as a defense?

drummerboy: Surely something as extreme as calling the police to make allegations of harassment against me must at some point register on the regret meter.

it was in reference to how to avoid the mood swings of a pregnent women I hope things work out for you staying cool an not doing anything silly counts for a lot

slyQQ: Thanks for clarifying.  I am trying to stay cool and avoid "doing anything silly".  Basically I'm just hanging low for the dust to settle.

It's still not clear if this is a formal complaint in which you are expected to defend yourself in court -- you're in a different country with different laws than mine, so I don't understand the legal status of where you're at.

But when my ex had a psychotic episode and seemed to come unhinged, I opened a file with the police. That's all I did. I just opened it, and said I had cause to be concerned. My boss moved me to a different office with no name plaque, away from a main corridor and they tightened up some security measures in my building. It was just a precaution, so that if something happened, and they looked up to see if N/BPDx was in the system, they could see that he was a topic of concern.

It doesn't give me any legal protection, it just helps police connect the dots a bit faster if they need to.

I didn't file a PO against him -- it was a long, protracted debate I had with myself. Because with some people, filing a PO triggers opposite behavior to what the PO is intended to do. I am pretty sure that it would have escalated the conflict without providing me much more in the way of protection.

Just saying this because the goal is to minimize conflict and restore some peace to your life. I know you aren't trying to harm her, but it is possible to make things worse when we try to make things better.

I was reading through that link I shared from before, and one thing that struck me is how the police treat stalking suspects -- it could be that the female cop was treating you that way to scare you from stalking/harassment. It might be a tactic. It said something about having the suspect come to the station as a deterrent from doing more stalking. Since you aren't a real stalking suspect, it instead felt incredibly rude and over the top.

What you want to make sure is that there is no formal charge, and whether this will ever show up if an employer does a background check. If it does, then get a lawyer to have it sorted out.

One of the typical perspectives of a pwBPD is that, in one way or another, it is all about self.  Their perceptions influence their moods and how they feel.  How I feel, how I hurt, how I will make you hurt for me feeling hurt, etc.  Subjective perspective, not an Objective "how everyone else views it" perspective.

So you can't expect a person with distorted perceptions and motivations to react or respond in a way you would respond.  In other words, expecting reciprocity -- her treating you how you would treat her -- is self-sabotaging.

As for the urgent encouragement to seek qualified and experienced Legal Advice and associated priorities, options and strategies, do it.  Making common sense assumptions could be directly opposite the way court works.  It is a product of decades and centuries of law, case law, policies, procedures, etc.  While there are reasons the system is the way it is and does what it does, it is NOT everyday common sense, it is almost a world unto itself.

To "ASSUME" is risky... .the old truism, you may end up making an ASS of U and ME.

ForeverDad: Thank you for your insights and urgent encouragement.  I think I get it.  Basically, feelings = facts.  I admit, I have expected reciprocity with her treating me the way that I would treat her, which has been a HUGE mistake.  It's a real challenge to distort my thinking the way that she could/does.  You sum up the legal court system very well.  It is a scary playground to which I never want to enter.  Assuming is risky indeed!

livenlearned: Thank you for sharing your personal story, insights and words of wisdom.  It helps to put in better perspective. 

This is currently not a formal charge in which I am expected to defend myself in court at this time.  It is a serious threat of a pending criminal charge though.  An investigation may still be in process.  The harassment complaint appears to have placed me in the police system, which I sure hope does not negatively affect me with any criminal record checks.

I definitely want to minimize conflict and restore peace to my life.  I agree, we can make things worse when our try to make things better.  You may be on to something with the female police constable using tactics as a deterrent. 

Regarding an ongoing investigation, it may be that when they are done with their investigations they decide that this much ado about nothing.  She made a complaint, they are investigating because if they don't and there's a serious issue and she were to end up dead, the police would be in deep do-do for not doing their jobs properly.  However, somewhere along the line, as they get more facts, hopefully it will become clear that she has made this thing up and distorted the facts.  At that point, the police and/or the local DA will decide there's not enough to justify an arrest or not enough to get a conviction, and they'll drop it.

At that point, I'd ask for a copy of all documentation related to the investigation to keep for my own records.  If it doesn't include various things such as your own supportive witness statements, I'd go back and ask them to add those to the file.  Then I'd tell them I'm turning over a copy to my L and intend to make sure if there are any other falsified accusations brought up in the future that this instance is not forgotten, nor is their readiness to try to crucify me.

Waddams: Thank you for your insightful words of wisdom.  You present some very thought provoking perspectives.  I do hope the verdict to be "much ado about nothing".  I see it as being the police covering themselves from being in deep do-do if things were to go violent, which would not happen from me.  My concern is that this police complaint may never officially drop.  In other words, this police file just continues to stay open for more false allegations to be added against me until I am crucified.  I have not provided a witness statement of my own to the police, as directed by lawyers.  

Am I able to request "a copy of all documentation related to the investigation to keep for my own records"?  

In all due respect Jessica84, although it has become a legal issue, I disagree that it is not a BPD thing. These  boards are littered with BPD's filing false police reports and false restraining orders. Their distortion / smear campaigns are believable by the average person because they themselves can become delusional which makes the whole situation dangerous.

I recall in the early months of my separation, I went to a counselor for a few times and she said, ":)on't worry, if you didn't do anything wrong then you have nothing to worry about, you won't go to jail."  She was nice and I probably was too polite to respond but I know I thought to myself, "You wanna bet?  My spouse can be so emotionally convincing!"  For months I'd sometimes wake up in the early morning hours, mind racing, unable to sleep for a couple hours, fearful that it would be that night the police came for me. :'(

ForeverDad: Your counsellors advice on the matter comes across as quite naive and trusting of a legal court system that is far from being trustworthy and justice oriented.  I have had many hours of lost sleep with mind racing as a result of this.  It has been post trauma stress disorder (PTSD) for me on so many levels.  Were you falsely accused of something too?

swimjim: I wasn't sure where Jessica84 was coming from on this either, as it is definitely the behavioral trait of "a BPD thing".  The delusional mix is a dangerous cocktail to swallow.

The moral of this story is that once the r/s is over have NOTHING to do with your ex pwBPD. No texts, emails, phone calls, stalking. Do not contact her in any way and same goes for mutual friends. Post nothing on social media about them either. Do not give them ANY reason to twist anything around so that you might end up in court. These people are sick and can be VERY dangerous.

The irony is that mine got a restraining order against me, she is the last person on the planet I would want to have any contact with!

I really pity those of you that have kids with them and where you must keep some level of contact going.

I went through the same experience. It was traumatizing. Why would she hurt me like this? It never makes sense but I get stuck ruminating about it and wonder if I could have avoided being painted black in this manner.

swimjim: It is an extremely traumatizing experience to be put through.  It's hard to believe how someone could hurt one they professed love to in this manner.  I too go through the what-ifs of how I could have avoided being painted black to be accused of a criminal charge involving the police.  This is beyond extreme!

drummerboy: It is a sick game of chess they play.

When My false restraining order was thrown out in court, she cried. I did not know if she was faking it or was delusional and actually FEARED ME. This is the same woman who hoisted me up high on the pedistal and claimed she loved me more than she has ever loved before. She begged me to marry her. I was flattered but thought something was a little off about her. She appeared desperate to marry me, almost like hurry up before you find out about the real me. I still try to make sense of her calling the police.  I feel like a changed person since all this went down. She has already onto a second replacement since me. Although I was vindicated in court, I never felt like I  won. I still lost her forever. There is no going back. But she moves on like nothing happened.

swimjim: She very likely wanted to put the marriage contract on the table for you to sign before you had a chance to find out what you were really signing up for.  I don't understand what the whole police deal is all about either.  Maybe it's their way of being able to confirm in their skewed thinking and warped realities that they are a victim needing to protect themselves from us, which is a blacker level to villainize us by.

I think it is a warped kind of projection when getting law enforcement involved. Don't try to make sense of it. It is a disorder. They don't think like us. Save your texts and emails. You may need them to defend yourself in court. Most of us never knew about BPD until we searched the internet because our partners behavior didn't make sense.

Restored2, I sent you a private message. It is encouraging to know that we are not alone in our suffering. Thank God for this forum or else I would feel all alone in My pain. It helps to know that there is absolutely no avoiding getting split black. When I start thinking I should have given her the ring when she wanted it, I would have been painted black while married to her. When I realize this, I stop the woulda, coulda,shoulda ruminating. Save your texts and emails. You may need them for court to defend yourself.

swim jim you are not alone in this

I have also had the following so now i cant contact her or get anyone to contact her. Its actually ok in a way as it is giving me time to find places like this to meet common people.

To me she may have told so many the lie she now believes this to be the truth.

swimjim: Yeah, it very well could be a warped kind of projection involving law enforcement against us.  You're right about not knowing anything about BPD, as it wasn't until I searched the internet under previously abused women and up came BPD.  Unfortunately, this was after the fact of her breaking up with me.  Really wished I had of known about this disorder while I was in the relationship or better yet before I even stepped foot into the relationship to begin with.  Thanks for your advice on saving my texts and emails as evidence.

I received your private message and responded back to you earlier.  Did you not receive it?  It is very encouraging to know that we are not alone in our suffering and that we are not the crazy ones.  I am very thankful to God for this discussion forum and website with information.  It has been a life saver on so many levels.  I guess I don't understand how there is no avoiding being split black.  How is this possible?

Apparently when they idealize us as all good and "perfect" in their eyes in the beginning of the relationship, it is a fantasy when mirroring us and we buy into it. In reality, nobody can maintain perfection so we "let them down" by being human. With their black and white thinking, there is no gray and we start getting devalued and eventually they drop us on our head. We bought into the fantasy and it was intoxicating. We initially feel like we failed and beat ourselves up with guilt and shame because we could not maintain perfection in their eyes. I thought I was invincible to her. The love bombs and great sex became addictive. I was the perfect target because of my codependency. One of the worst ways to get split black is when they involve the police and false allegations. No matter what we say to them to try to convince them that we are still the good person they fell in love with, they see us as evil. We are forced into no contact which is the only real blessing in disguise. 

swimjim: Unfortunately, I know all too well about beating my self up with guilt and shame over her.  Just like you, I thought I was invincible to her too and I am also a rescuer.  The question is... .how long can we remain split black until being returned to white?

Well, when our replacement gets split black, they are either in the process of lining a new replacement up or attempt to recycle us. The length of the relationship with the replacement depends on whether the replacement triggers her engulfment fears by flooding her with real intimacy. If they have no intimacy, they can last a long time. If he is a doormat, he will be used as a punching bag and he will take the abuse. From what I understand, just because the relationship is lasting a long time does not mean they are happy. I am having a hard time believing that. My current replacement has been with her longer than I thought and I fear she might be married. She never took any time to heal between relationships. We need to pray that they don't try to recycle us. We need to pray that they stay focused on someone else. It is tempting to touch that hot stove just for makeup sex but it will only be hazardous to our health.

Hey swimjim.  I have previous indications and fully believe that she is steering clear of men and does not have a replacement for me.  Prayer is key in all of this stuff!  Believe it or not despite what she has done to me, I am still open for her to come back for a redo relationship with me.  First off, I would need to have a written message from her via text or email that would protect me from false allegations of harassment or otherwise.  Something that would show that she is wanting to reconnect and be with me of her own free will.  Secondly, we would be heading straight to couples therapy/counselling together.  These would be my stringent terms and nothing less.  Apparently, it is not unusual for them to reconnect to get back together even after they have pressed charges against someone.  I know this all sounds insane... .

I used to think like you. Part of me still does. We have an emotional side to our brain and an intellectual side to our brain. My emotional side wants her back and I would want everything in writing and therapy also. HOWEVER, my individual therapy has taught me to focus on the intellectual side of the brain. Trust me when I state this. You would be making the biggest mistake in your life if you gave her another chance. She may get on her hands and knees and beg  for you to forgive her. If she splits you white again, it will be short lived. Each recycle has a shorter life expectancy than the one before. When she involves law enforcement and the courts, she is a dangerous person. Her mask may be persuasive, but you must trust your intellectual side and stay away. If you went back, she could claim rape or abuse of her or her child.

A drug addict has an emotional side and an intellectual side. The emotional side craves the dopamine / serotonin (chemical release)  rush from the brain. A drug addict's intellectual side focuses on a 12 step program.

She will need years of therapy and that is not a guarantee that she will get better. PLEASE DON'T GO BACK. 

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This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .