BPDFamily.com

I've grown up out of you

I've got be the strong one

I don't respect you

I love you but I'm not in love with you haven't been for a year I was hoping things got better but I can't marry you or buy the house as it got closer I knew I had to leave you

I'm sick of carrying you

I want more romance

I hope you have a happy life I want you to be happy

I want you to be OK about the BU

We have nothing in common

We are just friends I don't need a friend

I would kill myself if anything happens to you

Let me go I just want to go

I'm giving you space

I can't see you or talk to you in case I come back for 1-2 years

How can I trust you after xyz

I knew you would turn nasty and show your true colours

We are just not meant to be

You deserve a sex life

I've not been happy for the whole r/s

We did have some good times

You never smile when u pick me up

I want a partner with lots of friends and a social life

I don't know who I am I want to find myself

I should have left you a year ago

Im a good person it not my fault my feelings have changed

We are not right for each other

Fine (after I dumped her on FB) I only wanted time to think I cried all night now u can get a better looking gf than me like u always said u could

Don't screw girls in my bed

Your only upset because of the money if u had a better job u would be fine

You hate your job how can I trust you to pay the mortgage

Don't worry your find another nice giro to buy the house with xx

Hope you had a nice xmass xx (What the heck!)

After deleting all my family and shared friends from FB (its easier if I don't have links to dobie on FB)

When I explained I was blocking her and her family because it was too hard she accused me of trying to forget them

Apart from I would kill myself quote which I heard a few weeks before the BU all the rest is what she said post BU

I'm nuts but can't deal with the emotional fallout of processing that. So it's your fault. Bye! 

Dobie,

These are the spoken words of a person who cannot regulate their emotions (emotions can dramatically fluctuate) and perceives feelings as facts. Also a person with an unstable sense of self and intense feelings of self-loathing/self-hatred, shame, anger, and sadness.

There is so much contradiction in all of the statements. It can be easy for us to process all of the things a pwBPD says and filter it with a negative view. Once we do that, we can dwell on the negative comments until our perception becomes darkened. By doing so, we discredit all of the positive things our pwBPD has said to us.  Surely, your ex did say positive things to you.

Trying to rationalize the irrational comments/behavior can be maddening. When we doing this we are perceiving a pwBPD as a rational thinker, which is often not the case.

Everything I posted was what she has told me over the last 7 months

Just want to know if any of that sounds like a normal way to break up with someone after 7 years and what it means to the BPD mind

Or is it in fact true am I searching for hidden meanings where their are none

Few more ... .

When your feeling better let's meet for coffee and stay friends (seven months later its too soon for both of us to meet )

I'm sorry the dog is dead hope your OK xx

I know I starred this  and I've got a cheek  but I feel bad as well (day after trashing my bday)

What I hear overwhelmingly in her messages is pain, shame, and some splitting.  Can you see that when you read through them?  I know this is much more emotionally charged for you, but see if you can see the disorder behind her words.  These are all hallmarks of BPD.  This is the disorder at work.  This is not a reflection of you, dobie.  You didn't cause this.

Can you really see BPD Cosmo ? 


I keep thinking its me I did get boring we did bicker but I loved her and I did my damnedest to make her happy be supportive

I've paid two months rent I think that fair

I did take more than I said I would from the house but I left you some towels so I think that's fair

I can't give you your bday present money I need to think of me do you know how costly it is to start again ! Earns 100k a year

If you want to keep the av cabinet its £180 (OK I will pay you ) you only want to keep it so you can sell it ! We bought it s/h for £180 it was worth £600 I needed it because of my av equipment she has none

I want to be single for a year I've been in r/s since I was a teen you will probably have a gf before me

I never get chatted up at bars (angry)

I feel deep down in my gut  we are not MEANT to be !

There were times you made me INTENSLEY happy !

Yes.  Read through those again, can you see it?

Here's a few examples I notice.


This sounds like the push/pull of the disorder, doesn't it?  I love you, but don't love you.  She's explicitly mentioning her conflicting feelings, which is at the heart of the disordered behaviors.  Ultimately, it becomes too much for her, and she leaves.


This sounds like she has a lot of shame, and she wants you to relieve that shame by accepting that you will be fine.


This screams BPD to me.  I'm overwhelmed with emotion and shame and can't deal with the trigger you've become to me.  I might still be back, however, and want to leave open that possibility.


Splitting.


See what you can come up with on your own.

Stop the maddness already dobbie... .for the love of god!

?

Those are expressions of egulfment fears.  She felt she had lost control over herself and was losing herself.  When somone experiences engulfment fears they aften say something like "I need to find myself."

Thanks Cosmo she meant see me in the begining stages of the BU though of course she still can't face me .

She told my bro she should have left me a year ago but was a coward .

And she does care about me wants me to be happy .

She told me she should have left her x a year before she did but she used him

Few months before the BU she was happy at the thought of being pregnant

Then had another pregnancy scare and said it would have been a disaster but fate if she was


Told me six months back how everything was going well the house , her job  and she worried it would all go wrong couldn't be happy in case it didn't last

Thought we were a power couple and how jealous her friends are of us being together for six years.

How I've done everything I could and I'm such a nice dobie not like the old evil dobie

Here's another one she told me post BU ... .

I don't like your loyalty about staying with someone if you have kids

She said all my ideas were her ideas she needs to find her how she hung on my every word but now does not respect me .

Nothing to be ashamed of!

It's a natural cycle for ptsd like symptoms to ruminate over and over and over it happened to me too.

Your constant was the narrative of you and your ex and the what could have been. That's been ripped away and your feeling the seemingly terrifying reality.  Your seeking a narrative to make sense of it all.  

For myself readings clinical BPD stuff helped to give it a conceptual narrative and framework, at first.

Does it have to be BPD though I mean some people are just conflicted no ? I mean nons so they push/pull as well yeah ?

These are just labels.  The label nons is absurd and no one here can diagnose her. Bpd is a continuim and the cut off for clinical level is almost arbitrary.   It's ilunderstaning the motivations behaviors and patterns of at first her then "turning the mirror inwards," to examine your role in all of this. 

Hi Dobie,

A lot of your exes words sound very familiar to me because mine said a lot of the same things. I think Cosmonaut is right and that her words certainly sound very consistent with BPD.

It's so easy to get stuck on the words, but actions are what are most important.

What do they tell you about her? If you were advising a friend who was in your circumstances what would you tell them?

I think a many of us can struggle to really accept that the person we loved was disordered.  

And it's hard when you don't have the certainty of a diagnosis, but a diagnosis doesn't materially alter their behaviour.

Initially realising that my ex is very likely BPD gave me some relief, but then I had to reframe my entire relationship in a very different light. What I thought was a unique, lifelong attachment with another person was actually a trauma loaded relationship with someone who might have appeared superficially normal, but was in fact disordered.

I wasn't so special after all and that hurt. Grieving that loss is hard as is processing the shame that these relationships can leave you with.

I found that my ex left me feeling a lot of shame that I really struggled to process.

I realise that casting off blame is part of the disorder but what made it particularly difficult was it that triggered strong feelings of worthlessness in me. She might have honed in on that vulnerability, but it had always been there.

I found working with a good T has really helped me to address this. They say time heals everything, but getting support can make a huge difference.

Reforming

Another one


" I didn't want to stay out of comfort or security"

" raging about monies spent on house & holidays and my bday even though she took back all presents "

Hi Dobie,

What do you think would help you most to heal?

Reforming

Knowing she was disordered

What's preventing you from accepting that?  I think that there has been quite a lot of evidence and analysis that you ex does indeed have BPD.  What's holding you back from accepting that?

Self loathing I guess : (

Her "I don't want to stay out of comfort & security "

Do you think that accepting she is disordered would somehow devalue your relationship with her? I'm only asking because this is something that I struggled with

Reforming

No it would make me feel better I.e she is I'll not my fault

Dobie, this truly isn't your fault, buddy.  You aren't responsible for this.  I think that you are really wanting to take on responsibility for this.  I think your realization that there is some self loathing occurring is very important.  Do you think you have internalized some of your ex's projection and splitting?

probably Cosmo

the thing that sticks is if she was just childish and immature /selfish  than when the projections ran out and she could see who i was she found me unlovable lacking .

all my xs had reasons to leave me but i was more myself than anyone with her

What makes you believe that she was seeing you as you are when she's saying negative things and not when she is saying positive things?  Do you know why you want to accept the negative about yourself and reject the positive?

I think you realize that splitting is a major issue with pwBPD.  It is a very common way of trying to wall themselves off from their emotional involvement with someone - something they are feeling overwhelmed by.  Why do you think that she was seeing the real you and not splitting you?

because in any normal r/s after the infatuation phase the projections wear down and people see the other this is make or break time so when her infatuation wore off this is when she saw me as i am

But this isn't a normal relationship, right?  Even if your ex was infatuated due to the honeymoon phase of BPD (and it's entirely possible she was genuinely attracted to you), wouldn't that also make her splitting and discard disordered too?  Why do you feel so strongly that only the latter is the true part?  I think this is something really worth exploring.  Are you seeing a therapist you might be able to talk this over with?

I had this fear too Dobie - especially because I loved her a lot; because I valued her opinions; and because I was closer and more 'real' with her than anyone I've ever known.  It was a strong fear, especially in the beginning of n/c.  It was a devastating fear for me for a while, actually. But over time I began to see things more clearly - as I came out of the FOG reality came into focus.

Think of everyone you know, Dobie.  Aren't we all a "mixed" bag?  Some wonderful aspects and some things that we might need to work on - right? Our ex's focused on the "wonderful aspects" in the beginning, and maybe they even focused on some less-than-perfect aspects along the way - but none of this means that we are not each worthy of love, respect and admiration for the positive things we DO bring to the table. Because we all do.  You too, Dobie.

Fear is a liar. Don't believe those negative thoughts. The more healing thing to do is to figure out why you believe her.  

It's clear to me that you loved her an awful lot.  The letter you sent recently was full of love.  It takes a big, loving heart to do what you did - how about starting with that in your list of "Great things about Dobie"?   :)

Thanks jk and Cosmo

It all just feels like a lie !

I loved her as best I could (I have issues with engaging) I don't t think I realised how much I loved her till she left and even after she treated me like dirt

I still love her now , dumb ass that I am

Part of me wants to say go be happy I never tried to  hold you back I only wanted you to become the best of what you could be!

But she has been such a colossal dick and I've bent over backwards any more would just lose the last traces of respect she has and I have for myself


I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

She has robbed me of forgiveness for her !

I understand this, too.  Much of my ex's behavior was perplexing to me - but began to make sense as she started going to therapy and sharing some of the info from her sessions.  She and her therapist began to name her "parts of self" - little M, teenage M... .she was able to identify that she had these different aspects of herself, and would sort of 'morph' into these different personas.  She was still herself - I don't think she had multiple personalities - it just appeared to me to be multiple modes of coping that were really maladaptive and difficult to live with. Schema therapy helped me to understand all of this - when she was "little M" she was truly functioning like a child, not as an adult. That's why parenting with her was next to impossible; that's why it was often next to impossible for us to talk "like adults' and for her to behave like a "caring mature adult."

There is a good thread in the learning center called ":)id she ever love me?"  Part of the process of grieving and healing is to come to grips with this question - we've all had to do it (and that's why there's a lesson on it!)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

My ex did terrible things to me - caused me more pain than anyone I've ever known in my life. But she loved me - I know that she did. The problem is that she is disordered and can't sustain that love.

That fact ^ has nothing to do with my worth and my "lovableness" as a human being. I was in an awful lot of pain until I managed to accept that truth.

Dobie,

I just feel for you. Give yourself some relief from all of this turmoil. Self soothe today. I am sorry to say, she is just plain BPD. There is nothing you can do to make sense of the disordered.

It is painful, it is unreal, it is shocking to us nons when we are so discarded. Mine said, "I loved you for 8 years, I love you now." Within 24 hours I had a very cruel b/u email ending with don't get personal on me, it is over MOVE ON.

I am still trying to process but it is what it is. I am sad for you. I am sad for myself because when you really love someone and they push/pull, love/hate it makes you a little crazy too... .

Remember the goodness in YOU.

Dobie I don't think your a dumb ass for still loving her. You had a strong connection with her and she clearly had qualities that inspired your love. It's very difficult to suddenly switch off those feelings even if she's wasn't able to love you back in the way that you need and deserve.

Like you and a lot of others here, I struggled with with the lack of closure and the chaos at the end of my relationship.

Eventually I began to accept that I would never get the closure I needed from my ex. Now I think that my ex could not give it to me even if she wanted to... .

I had to search for it elsewhere. Being part of this community, learning about the disorder and critically learning about myself has gradually helped me to find it.  

I'd just like to chime in with jhkbuzz on the thread she's recommended.  |iiii

I've actually just been rereading this and it's got some brilliant insights, including some amazing posts from recovered BPDs.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling such pain now, but reading your threads over the last few days I can also see a clear evolution in your thinking. Well done, it takes a lot of courage to work through this stuff  

Reforming

After reading your messages, you can feel this hint of contempt and at the same time you can feel this attachment she has for him. She is clearly borderline.

This is one of the hardest aspects of the end of a relationship with a pwBPD.  There is no closure.  And that really hurts and it's very confusing.  What we have to remind ourselves is that our partner isn't capable of giving closure to us.  We can hate that fact, and we can be angry, and it's perfectly fine to be so.  But we do need to eventually accept that this is the case.  Our ex simply can't give this to us, because their disorder prevents it.  We will have to provide closure for ourselves.  That's the only way we will be able to get it.

Do you think that you can accept that, dobie?  That you will have to provide your own closure?

I think for me Cosmo seeing how likely it is she had BPD and hearing it from others has given me the closure or is helping towards it .

Sure we fought a lot (one of her reasons ) but why ? The push /pull the frustrations of a child for things not being "as they should"

Yes I got a bit boring (black & white thinking ) but if she had an emotional skill set she would have sat down and really told me how she wanted things to improve in the r/s or what needed fixing taken my thoughts onboard and gone from there not just moaned I never come up with ideas .

Money! again this is all me me me I expect to be looked after in all things I hate that I earn more money than you so I pay more because its "not fair" you should earn more and pay more .


We lost the closeness (yes you pushed me away with your resentment , lack of sex , anger , and because you felt engulfed )


When I look behind the words and the blame and the grey truths I see the subconscious reasons .

Thanks clearly yes its like she is saying YES I don't NEED you! ha ha ha I'm free I'm free ! Like I was her "jailer".


Reforming : thanks  

Downwhim : thanks  

Jkbuzz thanks that link is great yes she is not able to progress from infatuation and idealisation to comfort and security though she did say she didn't want to stay out of comfort and security ?

I wonder if she will ever have a really fulfilling r/s that allows her to get past her needs and onto a want type love

I just want to say that I'm really proud of you, dobie.  You're making some difficult, but very important realizations about your relationship and about yourself.  You've been working really hard at this, and I think you're making some very nice progress.  You may not feel better yet, but it will come.  Keep going.   |iiii

It means : "I suck"  

You are amazing, Dobie. With so much to offer someone. Please dont lower yourself. You deserve better than this! Any woman would be lucky to have a guy like you.

Aww thanks beach and likewise your x sounds like a total douche worse than mine even x

Thanks Cosmo you wouldn't be over this weekend I drank straight for 48 hours no sleep and various drugs partied hard

Its futile though you can't run from the pain like blimblam says we need to lean into it .

I slipped up time to get back on the horse  :)

No, you can't keep running from the pain.  Think you are ready to face it now?

I've been flip flopping Cosmo but I think I'm getting there the key is to focus on me not her

Like my T said this could be any woman it just so happened it was ****** that did this

The binge was a self destructive need to numb to take a break as it were in an unhealthy way

Dobie, you've got the key now, buddy.  You are so right.  I think you're really on the path now.  Keep going.   |iiii

Thanks bro  |iiii

When I feel shame or failure I try and remember "dobie its not that your lacking your not perfect you did the best you could you poured blood and sweat and tears into helping her and making it work but she was unhappy before she met you , she thought you were the answer to her prayers but that's an impposbile job role to fill"

No matter what you did or who you are it would always be about her needs in the end  your not a millionaire Zen master and stand up comic and a published author your human .

She requires so much and gives so little , you deserve someone who wants you but not because they need you

Sure I could have learned to stop being baited and not engaging in arguments , yes I could have got promoted quicker , rengaged with old friends for her , been more exciting but what then when would I ever get a chance to just be at peace with her ? When would her needs stop ? What new frustrations and problems would she look for me to solve ?

And how would it have turned out if we had kids and a house ... .she would have cheated or left me in the end  blamed me for it took all my assets and then have me paying alimony for the rest of my life while I'm living on my brothers couch

You can't have peace with someone so restless and self absorbed

Same here. There is no closure, and we just have to accept it.

Forgot to mention but when I called her out on her comment a few weeks before the BU

"I would kill myself if anything happened to you"

She laughed and said she was just being dramatic and exaggerating

Yes because normal people say stuff like that all the time while watching TV to people they are not in love with for over a year  !  

Welcome to the 'enlightenment club' Dobie! I read a quote from someone previously who said that 'it wouldn't have made a difference if I'd been Brad Pitt crossed with Gandhi'. This typifies the hopelessness of our collective situations and why we shouldn't beat ourselves up too much that it all turned to dust before our very eyes. 

Gosh Dobie, this made me think of another part of the article, "Surviving a Breakup when your Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder":

"6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

Hi Dobie

"When I feel shame or failure I try and remember "dobie its not that your lacking your not perfect you did the best you could you poured blood and sweat and tears into helping her and making it work but she was unhappy before she met you , she thought you were the answer to her prayers but that's an impposbile job role to fill"


I think this is really healthy way to perspective. Nobody is perfect - it's the human condition

Great point JHK

"Gosh Dobie, this made me think of another part of the article, "Surviving a Breakup when your Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder":

"6) Clinging to the words that were said"

I found it very hard to stop replaying all the conversations that I had with my ex. It's hard, but I had to prise them loose from my heart by constantly telling myself that actions are what are really important. NONs can things that we believe our true in the moment, but struggle to follow them true, but this is particularly true of those who suffer from a disorder

I think that they believe they feel love, but they struggle to sustain it s how they feel about themselves and others can change radically over a short space of time

Reforming