what does this mean in BPD speak?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've grown up out of you

I've got be the strong one

I don't respect you

I love you but I'm not in love with you haven't been for a year I was hoping things got better but I can't marry you or buy the house as it got closer I knew I had to leave you

I'm sick of carrying you

I want more romance

I hope you have a happy life I want you to be happy

I want you to be OK about the BU

We have nothing in common

We are just friends I don't need a friend

I would kill myself if anything happens to you

Let me go I just want to go

I'm giving you space

I can't see you or talk to you in case I come back for 1-2 years

How can I trust you after xyz

I knew you would turn nasty and show your true colours

We are just not meant to be

You deserve a sex life

I've not been happy for the whole r/s

We did have some good times

You never smile when u pick me up

I want a partner with lots of friends and a social life

I don't know who I am I want to find myself

I should have left you a year ago

Im a good person it not my fault my feelings have changed

We are not right for each other

Fine (after I dumped her on FB) I only wanted time to think I cried all night now u can get a better looking gf than me like u always said u could

Don't screw girls in my bed

Your only upset because of the money if u had a better job u would be fine

You hate your job how can I trust you to pay the mortgage

Don't worry your find another nice giro to buy the house with xx

Hope you had a nice xmass xx (What the heck!)

After deleting all my family and shared friends from FB (its easier if I don't have links to dobie on FB)

When I explained I was blocking her and her family because it was too hard she accused me of trying to forget them

Apart from I would kill myself quote which I heard a few weeks before the BU all the rest is what she said post BU

[dobie]

I've grown up out of you

I've got be the strong one

I don't respect you

I love you but I'm not in love with you haven't been for a year I was hoping things got better but I can't marry you or buy the house as it got closer I knew I had to leave you

I'm sick of carrying you

I want more romance

I hope you have a happy life I want you to be happy

I want you to be OK about the BU

We have nothing in common

We are just friends I don't need a friend

I would kill myself if anything happens to you

Let me go I just want to go

I'm giving you space

I can't see you or talk to you in case I come back for 1-2 years

How can I trust you after xyz

I knew you would turn nasty and show your true colours

We are just not meant to be

You deserve a sex life

I've not been happy for the whole r/s

We did have some good times

You never smile when u pick me up

I want a partner with lots of friends and a social life

I don't know who I am I want to find myself

I should have left you a year ago

Im a good person it not my fault my feelings have changed

We are not right for each other

Fine (after I dumped her on FB) I only wanted time to think I cried all night now u can get a better looking gf than me like u always said u could

Don't screw girls in my bed

Your only upset because of the money if u had a better job u would be fine

You hate your job how can I trust you to pay the mortgage

Don't worry your find another nice giro to buy the house with xx

Hope you had a nice xmass xx (What the heck!)

After deleting all my family and shared friends from FB (its easier if I don't have links to dobie on FB)

When I explained I was blocking her and her family because it was too hard she accused me of trying to forget them

Apart from I would kill myself quote which I heard a few weeks before the BU all the rest is what she said post BU

[FannyB]

I'm nuts but can't deal with the emotional fallout of processing that. So it's your fault. Bye! 

[EaglesJuju]

Dobie,

These are the spoken words of a person who cannot regulate their emotions (emotions can dramatically fluctuate) and perceives feelings as facts. Also a person with an unstable sense of self and intense feelings of self-loathing/self-hatred, shame, anger, and sadness.

There is so much contradiction in all of the statements. It can be easy for us to process all of the things a pwBPD says and filter it with a negative view. Once we do that, we can dwell on the negative comments until our perception becomes darkened. By doing so, we discredit all of the positive things our pwBPD has said to us.  Surely, your ex did say positive things to you.

Trying to rationalize the irrational comments/behavior can be maddening. When we doing this we are perceiving a pwBPD as a rational thinker, which is often not the case.

[dobie]

Everything I posted was what she has told me over the last 7 months

Just want to know if any of that sounds like a normal way to break up with someone after 7 years and what it means to the BPD mind

Or is it in fact true am I searching for hidden meanings where their are none

Few more ... .

When your feeling better let's meet for coffee and stay friends (seven months later its too soon for both of us to meet )

I'm sorry the dog is dead hope your OK xx

I know I starred this  and I've got a cheek  but I feel bad as well (day after trashing my bday)

[cosmonaut]

What I hear overwhelmingly in her messages is pain, shame, and some splitting.  Can you see that when you read through them?  I know this is much more emotionally charged for you, but see if you can see the disorder behind her words.  These are all hallmarks of BPD.  This is the disorder at work.  This is not a reflection of you, dobie.  You didn't cause this.

[dobie]

What I hear overwhelmingly in her messages is pain, shame, and some splitting.  Can you see that when you read through them?  I know this is much more emotionally charged for you, but see if you can see the disorder behind her words.  These are all hallmarks of BPD.  This is the disorder at work.  This is not a reflection of you, dobie.  You didn't cause this.

Can you really see BPD Cosmo ? 


I keep thinking its me I did get boring we did bicker but I loved her and I did my damnedest to make her happy be supportive

[dobie]

I've paid two months rent I think that fair

I did take more than I said I would from the house but I left you some towels so I think that's fair

I can't give you your bday present money I need to think of me do you know how costly it is to start again ! Earns 100k a year

If you want to keep the av cabinet its £180 (OK I will pay you ) you only want to keep it so you can sell it ! We bought it s/h for £180 it was worth £600 I needed it because of my av equipment she has none

I want to be single for a year I've been in r/s since I was a teen you will probably have a gf before me

I never get chatted up at bars (angry)

I feel deep down in my gut  we are not MEANT to be !

There were times you made me INTENSLEY happy !

[cosmonaut]

Can you really see BPD Cosmo ? 

Yes.  Read through those again, can you see it?

Here's a few examples I notice.

I love you but I'm not in love with you haven't been for a year I was hoping things got better but I can't marry you or buy the house as it got closer I knew I had to leave you

This sounds like the push/pull of the disorder, doesn't it?  I love you, but don't love you.  She's explicitly mentioning her conflicting feelings, which is at the heart of the disordered behaviors.  Ultimately, it becomes too much for her, and she leaves.

I hope you have a happy life I want you to be happy

I want you to be OK about the BU

This sounds like she has a lot of shame, and she wants you to relieve that shame by accepting that you will be fine.

I can't see you or talk to you in case I come back for 1-2 years

This screams BPD to me.  I'm overwhelmed with emotion and shame and can't deal with the trigger you've become to me.  I might still be back, however, and want to leave open that possibility.

I knew you would turn nasty and show your true colours

I've not been happy for the whole r/s

Splitting.


See what you can come up with on your own.

[zundertowz]

Stop the maddness already dobbie... .for the love of god!

[dobie]

Stop the maddness already dobbie... .for the love of god!

?

[Blimblam]

Those are expressions of egulfment fears.  She felt she had lost control over herself and was losing herself.  When somone experiences engulfment fears they aften say something like "I need to find myself."

[dobie]

Can you really see BPD Cosmo ?  

Yes.  Read through those again, can you see it?

Here's a few examples I notice.

I love you but I'm not in love with you haven't been for a year I was hoping things got better but I can't marry you or buy the house as it got closer I knew I had to leave you

This sounds like the push/pull of the disorder, doesn't it?  I love you, but don't love you.  She's explicitly mentioning her conflicting feelings, which is at the heart of the disordered behaviors.  Ultimately, it becomes too much for her, and she leaves.

I hope you have a happy life I want you to be happy

I want you to be OK about the BU

This sounds like she has a lot of shame, and she wants you to relieve that shame by accepting that you will be fine.

I can't see you or talk to you in case I come back for 1-2 years

This screams BPD to me.  I'm overwhelmed with emotion and shame and can't deal with the trigger you've become to me.  I might still be back, however, and want to leave open that possibility.

I knew you would turn nasty and show your true colours

I've not been happy for the whole r/s

Splitting.


See what you can come up with on your own.

Thanks Cosmo she meant see me in the begining stages of the BU though of course she still can't face me .

She told my bro she should have left me a year ago but was a coward .

And she does care about me wants me to be happy .

She told me she should have left her x a year before she did but she used him

Few months before the BU she was happy at the thought of being pregnant

Then had another pregnancy scare and said it would have been a disaster but fate if she was


Told me six months back how everything was going well the house , her job  and she worried it would all go wrong couldn't be happy in case it didn't last

Thought we were a power couple and how jealous her friends are of us being together for six years.

How I've done everything I could and I'm such a nice dobie not like the old evil dobie

Here's another one she told me post BU ... .

I don't like your loyalty about staying with someone if you have kids

[dobie]

Those are expressions of egulfment fears.  She felt she had lost control over herself and was losing herself.  When somone experiences engulfment fears they aften say something like "I need to find myself."

She said all my ideas were her ideas she needs to find her how she hung on my every word but now does not respect me .

[Blimblam]

Stop the maddness already dobbie... .for the love of god!

?

Nothing to be ashamed of!

It's a natural cycle for ptsd like symptoms to ruminate over and over and over it happened to me too.

Your constant was the narrative of you and your ex and the what could have been. That's been ripped away and your feeling the seemingly terrifying reality.  Your seeking a narrative to make sense of it all.  

For myself readings clinical BPD stuff helped to give it a conceptual narrative and framework, at first.

[dobie]

Does it have to be BPD though I mean some people are just conflicted no ? I mean nons so they push/pull as well yeah ?

[Blimblam]

Does it have to be BPD though I mean some people are just conflicted no ? I mean nons so they push/pull as well yeah ?

These are just labels.  The label nons is absurd and no one here can diagnose her. Bpd is a continuim and the cut off for clinical level is almost arbitrary.   It's ilunderstaning the motivations behaviors and patterns of at first her then "turning the mirror inwards," to examine your role in all of this. 

[Reforming]

Does it have to be BPD though I mean some people are just conflicted no ? I mean nons so they push/pull as well yeah ?

Hi Dobie,

A lot of your exes words sound very familiar to me because mine said a lot of the same things. I think Cosmonaut is right and that her words certainly sound very consistent with BPD.

It's so easy to get stuck on the words, but actions are what are most important.

What do they tell you about her? If you were advising a friend who was in your circumstances what would you tell them?

I think a many of us can struggle to really accept that the person we loved was disordered.  

And it's hard when you don't have the certainty of a diagnosis, but a diagnosis doesn't materially alter their behaviour.

Initially realising that my ex is very likely BPD gave me some relief, but then I had to reframe my entire relationship in a very different light. What I thought was a unique, lifelong attachment with another person was actually a trauma loaded relationship with someone who might have appeared superficially normal, but was in fact disordered.

I wasn't so special after all and that hurt. Grieving that loss is hard as is processing the shame that these relationships can leave you with.

I found that my ex left me feeling a lot of shame that I really struggled to process.

I realise that casting off blame is part of the disorder but what made it particularly difficult was it that triggered strong feelings of worthlessness in me. She might have honed in on that vulnerability, but it had always been there.

I found working with a good T has really helped me to address this. They say time heals everything, but getting support can make a huge difference.

Reforming

[dobie]

Another one


" I didn't want to stay out of comfort or security"

" raging about monies spent on house & holidays and my bday even though she took back all presents "

[Reforming]

Hi Dobie,

What do you think would help you most to heal?

Reforming

[dobie]

Hi Dobie,

What do you think would help you most to heal?

Reforming

Knowing she was disordered

[cosmonaut]

Knowing she was disordered

What's preventing you from accepting that?  I think that there has been quite a lot of evidence and analysis that you ex does indeed have BPD.  What's holding you back from accepting that?

[dobie]

Knowing she was disordered

What's preventing you from accepting that?  I think that there has been quite a lot of evidence and analysis that you ex does indeed have BPD.  What's holding you back from accepting that?

Self loathing I guess : (

Her "I don't want to stay out of comfort & security "

[Reforming]

Knowing she was disordered

What's preventing you from accepting that?  I think that there has been quite a lot of evidence and analysis that you ex does indeed have BPD.  What's holding you back from accepting that?

Self loathing I guess : (

Her "I don't want to stay out of comfort & security "

Do you think that accepting she is disordered would somehow devalue your relationship with her? I'm only asking because this is something that I struggled with

Reforming

[dobie]

Knowing she was disordered

What's preventing you from accepting that?  I think that there has been quite a lot of evidence and analysis that you ex does indeed have BPD.  What's holding you back from accepting that?

Self loathing I guess : (

Her "I don't want to stay out of comfort & security "

Do you think that accepting she is disordered would somehow devalue your relationship with her? I'm only asking because this is something that I struggled with

Reforming

No it would make me feel better I.e she is I'll not my fault

[cosmonaut]

Dobie, this truly isn't your fault, buddy.  You aren't responsible for this.  I think that you are really wanting to take on responsibility for this.  I think your realization that there is some self loathing occurring is very important.  Do you think you have internalized some of your ex's projection and splitting?

[dobie]

Dobie, this truly isn't your fault, buddy.  You aren't responsible for this.  I think that you are really wanting to take on responsibility for this.  I think your realization that there is some self loathing occurring is very important.  :)o you think you have internalized some of your ex's projection and splitting?

probably Cosmo

the thing that sticks is if she was just childish and immature /selfish  than when the projections ran out and she could see who i was she found me unlovable lacking .

all my xs had reasons to leave me but i was more myself than anyone with her

[cosmonaut]

What makes you believe that she was seeing you as you are when she's saying negative things and not when she is saying positive things?  Do you know why you want to accept the negative about yourself and reject the positive?

I think you realize that splitting is a major issue with pwBPD.  It is a very common way of trying to wall themselves off from their emotional involvement with someone - something they are feeling overwhelmed by.  Why do you think that she was seeing the real you and not splitting you?

[dobie]

What makes you believe that she was seeing you as you are when she's saying negative things and not when she is saying positive things?  Do you know why you want to accept the negative about yourself and reject the positive?

I think you realize that splitting is a major issue with pwBPD.  It is a very common way of trying to wall themselves off from their emotional involvement with someone - something they are feeling overwhelmed by.  Why do you think that she was seeing the real you and not splitting you?

because in any normal r/s after the infatuation phase the projections wear down and people see the other this is make or break time so when her infatuation wore off this is when she saw me as i am

[cosmonaut]

But this isn't a normal relationship, right?  Even if your ex was infatuated due to the honeymoon phase of BPD (and it's entirely possible she was genuinely attracted to you), wouldn't that also make her splitting and discard disordered too?  Why do you feel so strongly that only the latter is the true part?  I think this is something really worth exploring.  Are you seeing a therapist you might be able to talk this over with?

[jhkbuzz]

What makes you believe that she was seeing you as you are when she's saying negative things and not when she is saying positive things?  :)o you know why you want to accept the negative about yourself and reject the positive?

I think you realize that splitting is a major issue with pwBPD.  It is a very common way of trying to wall themselves off from their emotional involvement with someone - something they are feeling overwhelmed by.  Why do you think that she was seeing the real you and not splitting you?

because in any normal r/s after the infatuation phase the projections wear down and people see the other this is make or break time so when her infatuation wore off this is when she saw me as i am

I had this fear too Dobie - especially because I loved her a lot; because I valued her opinions; and because I was closer and more 'real' with her than anyone I've ever known.  It was a strong fear, especially in the beginning of n/c.  It was a devastating fear for me for a while, actually. But over time I began to see things more clearly - as I came out of the FOG reality came into focus.

Think of everyone you know, Dobie.  Aren't we all a "mixed" bag?  Some wonderful aspects and some things that we might need to work on - right? Our ex's focused on the "wonderful aspects" in the beginning, and maybe they even focused on some less-than-perfect aspects along the way - but none of this means that we are not each worthy of love, respect and admiration for the positive things we DO bring to the table. Because we all do.  You too, Dobie.

Fear is a liar. Don't believe those negative thoughts. The more healing thing to do is to figure out why you believe her.  

It's clear to me that you loved her an awful lot.  The letter you sent recently was full of love.  It takes a big, loving heart to do what you did - how about starting with that in your list of "Great things about Dobie"?