what does this mean in BPD speak?

[dobie]

Thanks jk and Cosmo

It all just feels like a lie !

I loved her as best I could (I have issues with engaging) I don't t think I realised how much I loved her till she left and even after she treated me like dirt

I still love her now , dumb ass that I am

Part of me wants to say go be happy I never tried to  hold you back I only wanted you to become the best of what you could be!

But she has been such a colossal dick and I've bent over backwards any more would just lose the last traces of respect she has and I have for myself


I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

She has robbed me of forgiveness for her !

[jhkbuzz]

I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

I understand this, too.  Much of my ex's behavior was perplexing to me - but began to make sense as she started going to therapy and sharing some of the info from her sessions.  She and her therapist began to name her "parts of self" - little M, teenage M... .she was able to identify that she had these different aspects of herself, and would sort of 'morph' into these different personas.  She was still herself - I don't think she had multiple personalities - it just appeared to me to be multiple modes of coping that were really maladaptive and difficult to live with. Schema therapy helped me to understand all of this - when she was "little M" she was truly functioning like a child, not as an adult. That's why parenting with her was next to impossible; that's why it was often next to impossible for us to talk "like adults' and for her to behave like a "caring mature adult."

There is a good thread in the learning center called ":)id she ever love me?"  Part of the process of grieving and healing is to come to grips with this question - we've all had to do it (and that's why there's a lesson on it!)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

My ex did terrible things to me - caused me more pain than anyone I've ever known in my life. But she loved me - I know that she did. The problem is that she is disordered and can't sustain that love.

That fact ^ has nothing to do with my worth and my "lovableness" as a human being. I was in an awful lot of pain until I managed to accept that truth.

[downwhim]

Dobie,

I just feel for you. Give yourself some relief from all of this turmoil. Self soothe today. I am sorry to say, she is just plain BPD. There is nothing you can do to make sense of the disordered.

It is painful, it is unreal, it is shocking to us nons when we are so discarded. Mine said, "I loved you for 8 years, I love you now." Within 24 hours I had a very cruel b/u email ending with don't get personal on me, it is over MOVE ON.

I am still trying to process but it is what it is. I am sad for you. I am sad for myself because when you really love someone and they push/pull, love/hate it makes you a little crazy too... .

Remember the goodness in YOU.

[Reforming]

I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

I understand this, too.  Much of my ex's behavior was perplexing to me - but began to make sense as she started going to therapy and sharing some of the info from her sessions.  She and her therapist began to name her "parts of self" - little M, teenage M... .she was able to identify that she had these different aspects of herself, and would sort of 'morph' into these different personas.  She was still herself - I don't think she had multiple personalities - it just appeared to me to be multiple modes of coping that were really maladaptive and difficult to live with. Schema therapy helped me to understand all of this - when she was "little M" she was truly functioning like a child, not as an adult. That's why parenting with her was next to impossible; that's why it was often next to impossible for us to talk "like adults' and for her to behave like a "caring mature adult."

There is a good thread in the learning center called ":)id she ever love me?"  Part of the process of grieving and healing is to come to grips with this question - we've all had to do it (and that's why there's a lesson on it!)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

My ex did terrible things to me - caused me more pain than anyone I've ever known in my life. But she loved me - I know that she did. The problem is that she is disordered and can't sustain that love.

That fact ^ has nothing to do with my worth and my "lovableness" as a human being. I was in an awful lot of pain until I managed to accept that truth.

Dobie I don't think your a dumb ass for still loving her. You had a strong connection with her and she clearly had qualities that inspired your love. It's very difficult to suddenly switch off those feelings even if she's wasn't able to love you back in the way that you need and deserve.

Like you and a lot of others here, I struggled with with the lack of closure and the chaos at the end of my relationship.

Eventually I began to accept that I would never get the closure I needed from my ex. Now I think that my ex could not give it to me even if she wanted to... .

I had to search for it elsewhere. Being part of this community, learning about the disorder and critically learning about myself has gradually helped me to find it.  

I'd just like to chime in with jhkbuzz on the thread she's recommended.  

I've actually just been rereading this and it's got some brilliant insights, including some amazing posts from recovered BPDs.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling such pain now, but reading your threads over the last few days I can also see a clear evolution in your thinking. Well done, it takes a lot of courage to work through this stuff  

Reforming

[newtothis28]

After reading your messages, you can feel this hint of contempt and at the same time you can feel this attachment she has for him. She is clearly borderline.

[cosmonaut]

I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

This is one of the hardest aspects of the end of a relationship with a pwBPD.  There is no closure.  And that really hurts and it's very confusing.  What we have to remind ourselves is that our partner isn't capable of giving closure to us.  We can hate that fact, and we can be angry, and it's perfectly fine to be so.  But we do need to eventually accept that this is the case.  Our ex simply can't give this to us, because their disorder prevents it.  We will have to provide closure for ourselves.  That's the only way we will be able to get it.

Do you think that you can accept that, dobie?  That you will have to provide your own closure?

[dobie]

I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

This is one of the hardest aspects of the end of a relationship with a pwBPD.  There is no closure.  And that really hurts and it's very confusing.  What we have to remind ourselves is that our partner isn't capable of giving closure to us.  We can hate that fact, and we can be angry, and it's perfectly fine to be so.  But we do need to eventually accept that this is the case.  Our ex simply can't give this to us, because their disorder prevents it.  We will have to provide closure for ourselves.  That's the only way we will be able to get it.

Do you think that you can accept that, dobie?  That you will have to provide your own closure?

I think for me Cosmo seeing how likely it is she had BPD and hearing it from others has given me the closure or is helping towards it .

Sure we fought a lot (one of her reasons ) but why ? The push /pull the frustrations of a child for things not being "as they should"

Yes I got a bit boring (black & white thinking ) but if she had an emotional skill set she would have sat down and really told me how she wanted things to improve in the r/s or what needed fixing taken my thoughts onboard and gone from there not just moaned I never come up with ideas .

Money! again this is all me me me I expect to be looked after in all things I hate that I earn more money than you so I pay more because its "not fair" you should earn more and pay more .


We lost the closeness (yes you pushed me away with your resentment , lack of sex , anger , and because you felt engulfed )


When I look behind the words and the blame and the grey truths I see the subconscious reasons .

[dobie]

After reading your messages, you can feel this hint of contempt and at the same time you can feel this attachment she has for him. She is clearly borderline.

Thanks clearly yes its like she is saying YES I don't NEED you! ha ha ha I'm free I'm free ! Like I was her "jailer".


Reforming : thanks  

Downwhim : thanks  

Jkbuzz thanks that link is great yes she is not able to progress from infatuation and idealisation to comfort and security though she did say she didn't want to stay out of comfort and security ?

I wonder if she will ever have a really fulfilling r/s that allows her to get past her needs and onto a want type love

[cosmonaut]

I think for me Cosmo seeing how likely it is she had BPD and hearing it from others has given me the closure or is helping towards it .

I just want to say that I'm really proud of you, dobie.  You're making some difficult, but very important realizations about your relationship and about yourself.  You've been working really hard at this, and I think you're making some very nice progress.  You may not feel better yet, but it will come.  Keep going.   

[Beach_Babe]

It means : "I suck"  

You are amazing, Dobie. With so much to offer someone. Please dont lower yourself. You deserve better than this! Any woman would be lucky to have a guy like you.

[dobie]

It means : "I suck"  

You are amazing, Dobie. With so much to offer someone. Please dont lower yourself. You deserve better than this! Any woman would be lucky to have a guy like you.

Aww thanks beach and likewise your x sounds like a total douche worse than mine even x

[dobie]

I think for me Cosmo seeing how likely it is she had BPD and hearing it from others has given me the closure or is helping towards it .

I just want to say that I'm really proud of you, dobie.  You're making some difficult, but very important realizations about your relationship and about yourself.  You've been working really hard at this, and I think you're making some very nice progress.  You may not feel better yet, but it will come.  Keep going.   

Thanks Cosmo you wouldn't be over this weekend I drank straight for 48 hours no sleep and various drugs partied hard

Its futile though you can't run from the pain like blimblam says we need to lean into it .

I slipped up time to get back on the horse 

[cosmonaut]

No, you can't keep running from the pain.  Think you are ready to face it now?

[dobie]

No, you can't keep running from the pain.  Think you are ready to face it now?

I've been flip flopping Cosmo but I think I'm getting there the key is to focus on me not her

Like my T said this could be any woman it just so happened it was ****** that did this

The binge was a self destructive need to numb to take a break as it were in an unhealthy way

[cosmonaut]

I've been flip flopping Cosmo but I think I'm getting there the key is to focus on me not her

Dobie, you've got the key now, buddy.  You are so right.  I think you're really on the path now.  Keep going.   

[dobie]

I've been flip flopping Cosmo but I think I'm getting there the key is to focus on me not her

Dobie, you've got the key now, buddy.  You are so right.  I think you're really on the path now.  Keep going.  

Thanks bro  

When I feel shame or failure I try and remember "dobie its not that your lacking your not perfect you did the best you could you poured blood and sweat and tears into helping her and making it work but she was unhappy before she met you , she thought you were the answer to her prayers but that's an impposbile job role to fill"

No matter what you did or who you are it would always be about her needs in the end  your not a millionaire Zen master and stand up comic and a published author your human .

She requires so much and gives so little , you deserve someone who wants you but not because they need you

Sure I could have learned to stop being baited and not engaging in arguments , yes I could have got promoted quicker , rengaged with old friends for her , been more exciting but what then when would I ever get a chance to just be at peace with her ? When would her needs stop ? What new frustrations and problems would she look for me to solve ?

And how would it have turned out if we had kids and a house ... .she would have cheated or left me in the end  blamed me for it took all my assets and then have me paying alimony for the rest of my life while I'm living on my brothers couch

You can't have peace with someone so restless and self absorbed

[lm911]

I think what I struggle with the hardest is not being able to just talk about it like adults ring each other from time to time be amicable show love and affection and sadness for the years we spent , be happy in our new joy/s and just behave like caring mature adults who for whatever reason could not make it as life partners

This is one of the hardest aspects of the end of a relationship with a pwBPD.  There is no closure.  And that really hurts and it's very confusing.  What we have to remind ourselves is that our partner isn't capable of giving closure to us.  We can hate that fact, and we can be angry, and it's perfectly fine to be so.  But we do need to eventually accept that this is the case.  Our ex simply can't give this to us, because their disorder prevents it.  We will have to provide closure for ourselves.  That's the only way we will be able to get it.

Do you think that you can accept that, dobie?  That you will have to provide your own closure?

Same here. There is no closure, and we just have to accept it.

[dobie]

Forgot to mention but when I called her out on her comment a few weeks before the BU

"I would kill myself if anything happened to you"

She laughed and said she was just being dramatic and exaggerating

Yes because normal people say stuff like that all the time while watching TV to people they are not in love with for over a year  !  

[FannyB]

When I feel shame or failure I try and remember "dobie its not that your lacking your not perfect you did the best you could you poured blood and sweat and tears into helping her and making it work but she was unhappy before she met you , she thought you were the answer to her prayers but that's an impposbile job role to fill"

No matter what you did or who you are it would always be about her needs in the end  your not a millionaire Zen master and stand up comic and a published author your human .

She requires so much and gives so little , you deserve someone who wants you but not because they need you

Sure I could have learned to stop being baited and not engaging in arguments , yes I could have got promoted quicker , rengaged with old friends for her , been more exciting but what then when would I ever get a chance to just be at peace with her ? When would her needs stop ? What new frustrations and problems would she look for me to solve ?

And how would it have turned out if we had kids and a house ... .she would have cheated or left me in the end  blamed me for it took all my assets and then have me paying alimony for the rest of my life while I'm living on my brothers couch

You can't have peace with someone so restless and self absorbed

Welcome to the 'enlightenment club' Dobie! I read a quote from someone previously who said that 'it wouldn't have made a difference if I'd been Brad Pitt crossed with Gandhi'. This typifies the hopelessness of our collective situations and why we shouldn't beat ourselves up too much that it all turned to dust before our very eyes. 

[jhkbuzz]

Forgot to mention but when I called her out on her comment a few weeks before the BU

"I would kill myself if anything happened to you"

She laughed and said she was just being dramatic and exaggerating

Yes because normal people say stuff like that all the time while watching TV to people they are not in love with for over a year  !  

Gosh Dobie, this made me think of another part of the article, "Surviving a Breakup when your Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder":

"6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[Reforming]

Hi Dobie

"When I feel shame or failure I try and remember "dobie its not that your lacking your not perfect you did the best you could you poured blood and sweat and tears into helping her and making it work but she was unhappy before she met you , she thought you were the answer to her prayers but that's an impposbile job role to fill"


I think this is really healthy way to perspective. Nobody is perfect - it's the human condition

Great point JHK

"Gosh Dobie, this made me think of another part of the article, "Surviving a Breakup when your Partner has Borderline Personality Disorder":

"6) Clinging to the words that were said"

I found it very hard to stop replaying all the conversations that I had with my ex. It's hard, but I had to prise them loose from my heart by constantly telling myself that actions are what are really important. NONs can things that we believe our true in the moment, but struggle to follow them true, but this is particularly true of those who suffer from a disorder

I think that they believe they feel love, but they struggle to sustain it s how they feel about themselves and others can change radically over a short space of time

Reforming