BPDFamily.com

Not to minimise the effect our bpd relation has on us, but I found myself extremely irritated today by a small sentence sent by my mother because it is a reoccurring behaviour that argh really really triggers this feeling in me of being controlled. I wondered if it would be helpful to have an open thread on things they do that drive us mad that we can find some humour in to squash the effect it has on us.

I’ll go first and feel free to add if yours does this too.

She is obsessed with telling me when someone’s birthday is and forcibly implying I should send them a card, even people I don’t see or speak to often. Usually goes like this:

“It’s so and so’s birthday on x date”

Next day

“Are you sending their card here?”

Next day

“Have you sent their card?”

I know the content is silly but it’s just that sense of being told what to. I don’t even send cards to my friends, we send messages, but if I saw that then it’s ww3. It drives me bonkers!

My mom does this exact thing - but uses pronouns to slide the responsibility to me.  Example:

"What are we going to do for __________'s ____________ (funeral, birthday, anniversary....)?

It does get tiresome.

My disordered family members like to brag about what a wonderful family we are ignoring how much abuse there is/have been of other family members.

My mother also asks me to call relatives when I am in town. I think a part of this is a habit from when long distance calls were very expensive, but everyone has cell phones and in the US, long distance rates and not a concern.

Even when I am not in town. A while back she called me to day "Relative A's birthday is today. He'd be so happy to hear from you".

At the time, Relative A had not spoken to me in years. He also has his own phone and he can call me if he wants to.

I didn't make that call.

What does bother me is that I have a cousin who lives abroad. Long distance rates apply so I don't expect her to call me. However, she visits her parents frequently and they tell me when she's coming. I ask them to please ask her to call me on their phones when she's in the US and that I would love to speak to her. She doesn't call me. She does visit my mother when she's here, which I think is a nice thing to do.

She's aware of the issues with my mother. She's not a flying monkey. Sometimes I call when she's at her family's house here and speak to her briefly but she doesn't call me. I don't know why- she seems happy to speak to me when I do call, and I don't think we have an issues between us, but it does bother me that she doesn't call.  I don't think it's a personal issue or she's trying to be hurtful. I think it's not a priority for her.

So many typos in my reply but if I don't catch them before I post, I can't correct- but I think the meaning of the sentences is clear :)

My mother had a few BPD traits but wouldn't have been diagnosed (as opposed to her stepmother, who was full-fledged BPD/NPD). One quirk my mom had that drove me crazy was that she'd be talking about someone and say, " You remember so-and-so...they were related to doesn't and lived on whichever-street." And I would reply, "No, Mom, I had already moved away by then, I don't know them at all." And she'd say, "Oh!" THEN PROCEED TO TELL ME THE STORY ABOUT PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW, ANYWAY. And if I ever interrupted and told her it didn't mean anything because I had no connection to these people at all, she'd get huffy. Argh!!

Here is one. My BPD mother said she was trying to "downsize". She'd ask us to come get whatever we wanted, but if we did that and found something we wanted, she'd refuse to let us have it.

So we eventually just said no to the offer to get something we wanted. We still would visit- so she would see we would still come to see her regardless but she didn't seem to be OK with this and would persist in asking us.

I think this is about her fear that if she didn't have something we wanted, we wouldn't visit, so we hoped that by visiting and not asking for anything would reassure her but it didn't.

So, I decided that if this was a need for her, I'd tell her I wanted something.   She showed me a decorative bowl and asked me if I wanted it. I didn't really care if I got the bowl or not, but it was pretty.  I told her I liked it and would be happy to take it with me. We were driving, I could put it in the car. She seemed pleased and was about to give it to me, then changed her mind and said she'd ship it to me later. I never saw the bowl again.

My pet peeve is when the loved one with BPD invites herself to dinner and then ghosts us. No courtesy text to say that she changed her plans. No apology. If we reach out to inquire, she doesn’t respond. Later she’ll say she was sleeping (at dinner time…) or that her phone didn’t have a charge, but it is clearly a lie. She thinks this is OK. But if anyone dared to cancel plans on her, she’d have a meltdown.

Mine doesn't ghost you but comes up with some reason (health related or she's angry at something you did (whether intended or not) and then decides to not go.

Or she has no intentions of going but wants to be invited.

I don't make plans with her in advance because I can't rely on her following through with plans to attend. Better to order food in at the last minute than to plan something.

This is my mom almost every visit.  I could hardly believe my eyes when I read yours did this.

I've thought a lot about mom doing this over the last couple of years.  My theory is that it's related to both her narcissism and her lack of differentiation from me, but mostly the narcissism: if it's interesting or important to her, it has to be for me too. If I'm not, it's my duty to be interested in her story or there is something wrong with me.  Her lack of differentiation because in her psyche it validates her to see us as interested in the same things.  (Which we're not, but I've always tried to be kind and played along, which I now realize translates to being a pushover.)

My mother will ask a question.  So I (or H) starts to answer, but then she thinks of something else and interrupts you, talks over you, or changes the conversation again.

This one drives me crazy, and my H crazier. 

About 13 years ago (S30 was still in high school), we invited a family friend over for a dinner and visit because he was in a profession our son was interested in.  Because he and his (deceased) wife had been friends with my parents and both lived in the same different community, I also invited my mom. 

Logical.  But a big mistake.  (I was ALWAYS trying to do the right thing by mom and "include" her in things to help her manage her abandonment issues, but it only hurt us).

As our son was asking questions, our guest was trying to answer them, and mom would interrupt mid-sentence and completely change the topic to something she was interested in.

After this had happened SOOOOO many times, and our guest was clearly confused and didn't know what to do, I finally turned to her, and asked her in a neutral tone if we could please hear out what (guest) had to say about his career.

You can guess the rest of the story.

Another one is her use of hyperbole to get attention.  Everything is exaggerated for maximum drama.

"_______ is so sick, she's dying"  (At least 10 years ago...)

"I passed out yesterday" (she confessed to her friend this was a complete fabrication and never happened, but she said it when she wanted her friend to come over right away).

I'll add one more which I bet others can relate to:

The loved one with untreated BPD seems to have a crisis requiring a rescue when we depart for a vacation or special travels; however she's relatively crisis-free most other times.  I'm not sure if the trigger is fear of abandonment, feeling excluded, vindictiveness or jealousy, or some combination of the above.  She tends to be a "spoiler" of any special plans.  I swear, it would easier to leave a newborn with a babysitter than leave an adult with BPD for a business trip or a weekend getaway . . .

Ah the Easter weekend, the perfect time for bpd mother to get upset about something  :wee:

Saw her last weekend as we combined Easter (disclaimer, we’re not religious!) and my sibling’s birthday together…now this is because my brother was surprised with a trip away Easter weekend by his girlfriend for his birthday so my mother announced that SHE has decided to give US our bank holiday weekend at home and we’ll do it the week before (I know funny right!).

So did that blah blah blah barrel of laughs as always these visits are!

Then Easter rolls around, I was in contact with her Good Friday, Saturday and Monday via casual conversation on WhatsApp. Everything is hunky dory.

Then I get a 6 minute long voice note today about her home updates and the garden. Then for 2 minutes at the end, she says she’s sure it wasn’t deliberate or ‘neglectful’ but neither me or my brother contacted her on Easter Sunday. Not even to ask if she’s ‘alive’ or to tell her what we’re doing. She then went on to say “now you’ll say I could have contacted you but I contacted my parents or went round their house to visit” I like how she covered herself there, because we all know in reality she sat there seething all day drinking and facilitating herself getting more upset that we didn’t contact her and yet instead of just initiating a hello, the priority is to get more angry and then have something to be upset about. She said again she’s sure it wasn’t deliberate, it’s just an observation. I mean, my brother is away with his girlfriend and I’m an adult in my late 30s.

So we’re here as always….do we respond with an honest and boundaried response, because we have the right to have a day to ourselves? Or do I just grey rock apologise for her feeling sad at home.

So exhausting, we all know which option will nip it in the bud unfortunately.

I would just grey rock apologize-

You know the response to your explaining will only become more drama.

This kind of thing felt crazy making. I would try to do something nice for my BPD mother and somehow she'd find something "wrong" with what I did. It somehow met her "Victim" perspective. It was frustrating because, I did try to do nice things for her but she somehow found something I didn't do, or did wrong.

Like your situation- you were in contact on Friday, Saturday and Monday- but - not Easter and that is what she says to you.

For me, I had to just stay centered on what I did- do something because I wanted to, and without expectations. If she said she was hurt somehow, I just replied "I am sorry you felt that way". Even if her reaction felf hurtful, there was no discussing that.

This is one example of the kind of response.  Once she wanted me to help her go through some piles of paper, so I did, and then she got mad at me because I went through the piles out of order. (but there wasn't an order to them).

It got to the point where if on occasion, she did seem pleased or complimented me on something I did for her - I didn't believe it. I think this was my way of protecting myself from hopeful expectations.

It's good to find humor in these situations.

Mother's Day was always odd.  I dreaded calling saying those words because I knew she didn't want to be a mother to her three girls but did to her son.  One of the last times I called and said Happy Mother' s Day she said something like oh well that.  I never called on any holiday ever again and best I can tell it didn't make a difference.  The funny and somewhat horrible side of me should have rung her up and with great glee and a tamborine sang it loud and sang clear.  She would have been pissed.  She was smart.  She knew her ways.

Just went and saw a puppy I’m buying. She messages me asking how it went, I was excited and sent photos and she asks if I have a name yet. I do and it’s a good one, perfect in fact. For the past 3 hours all she’s done is message “better names” which having nothing to do with me or what I like, criticising the name I’ve chosen and sent multiple opposing messages like “I’m surprised you haven’t called it xyz” or “I was expecting you to call it ….”. It’s so tiring. Did the exact same thing when I got a kitten when I was a kid and named it, no that’s not what it looks like, that’s not its name, then proceeds to name my cat something she likes.

threecomets,

I relate to the behavior you describe and dislike it very much when my mother speaks this way to me. It's one of the main reasons I do not include her in activities or events that are special to me, nor do I tell her about them, because her negativity, and criticism can taint even lovely memories, like getting a new puppy.  I think to myself that she already gets to put her drama and negativity on all the national holidays when the small family gathers, she does not have rights to know about other things that are special to me.

My Mum too. One Christmas "James" mailed back the card Mum had sent, crossing out the names and switched them around.  So from "Mum" became from James. lol

I get this one over and over with many disordered relatives - I’m disrespectful. My dBPD mom started this one because I’d talk back to her as a kid to protect myself from being hit. It seemed to unnerve her and her rage would sputter out.

The most insane accusation along these lines was my cousin accusing me of this when attending a mutual cousin’s funeral. I didn’t greet her correctly in church before mass.  I was disrespectful. I’m not sure if I should have bowed to her and said a ‘Hail — Cousin’s name’ instead of a Hail Mary to appease her or jumped over the pews or what.

Oh my.  I'm actually getting a laugh rereading all of these - which is the point. Thank you threecomets for starting this thread.

In line with cc's point, my mom did this EVERY time we were leaving on any kind of trip.  A few years ago, she called two nights before we were leaving on a big trip trip, and said "call the ambulance".  Then she gave us her heart rate and blood pressure and suggested she might be  having a heart attack.  We called the ambulance and met her at the hospital.  To make a long story short,  she had decided "she didn't need her heart medication" any more and stopped taking it.  This caused a "medical emergency" 2 nights before our departure.  In emerg, some things weren't adding up, and it came to light she wasn't taking her meds.  Doc watched her swallow them, and then waited.  Her BP and heart rate stabilized.  We explained we were going on a trip and she was refusing home care safety checks, so he wrote a prescription for home care safety checks for the period we were going to be away, and set it up with home care before he discharged her.  Also gave her a "talking to" about taking her meds. We witnessed the whole thing. All quite hilarious to think about after the fact (3 ish years later) especially since she's a trained nurse!  lol  At the time though, we were in disbelief that she would go to this length to sabotage our trip to guilt us into staying home.

This is just my theory below, and maybe it's just nonsense but it's based on life experience with my BPD mom.  Sadly, when I don't understand her behaviors, I make up my own theories to try to make sense of the chaos, and destroyed relationship.

They get dysregulated by some perceived slight.  Nobody else even seems to know about it.  My mom would then get a "mad" on.  She would go "looking" for an excuse to really tell anyone off "good and proper". (I'm thinking about your example of not calling your mom on Easter Sunday after talking to her Fri/Sat/Mon).   After having a good rage at some poor soul, (eg my father when he was alive, or me after he died, or at least once a doctor she worked with in the hospital), she would feel better after purging her toxic feelings onto someone else. I suspect that blaming, putting others down, raging, speaking ill of others, is somehow connected to making themselves feel better.  They never seem to learn this strategy doesn't have staying power because they still always get a good short term "fix" of good feeling.  They don't connect that it's a relationship buster.

Pipistrelle - what did you name your puppy?  Did you give it the name you wanted?

This is such a perfect example of why sharing info with our pwBPD feels so unsafe.  Instead of seeing the positive in the name (which any friend would do), the BPD looks for something negative to demean us.  Any personal info just isn't safe to share with them.  Not even a puppy name.  I hope you gave it the name you wanted.  How is your puppy doing now?

Mom is in assisted living now.  One night this week she texted me to tell me she hadn't had one of her eye drops in 3 days (health care aides put the drops in because she has Parkinson's).  I ignored it.  Then the texts started coming fast and furious that she wasn't getting her drops. 

The funny part is that a few years ago, she repeatedly cancelled home care service coming into her house to give her the drops.

Why is she telling me?

Why doesn't she tell the nurse at the facility herself?  She lives right there!

This is the obligation piece - making me her "caretaker".  I've been her caretaker since I was 5, and at 63 have read enough books including "stop being a caretaker", so I bounced the ball back into her court and texted:

"If you want to mention your concern about your drops to K or J tomorrow, they will look after any concern you have".

She replies:  "please do!"

I'm thinking "what the...?"

My reply: "you can do it"

This covert business of making stuff up for us to do for them, when they can do it for themselves, drives me bonkers.

A typical reply from an ensuing dysregulation:

A/B/C does everything for their mother!
A/B/C moved their mother in with them!
A/B/C loves their mother.  You don't love me!

I'm sure a few of you can relate to that. lol

I can relate- many times. What I found was that although assisted living met my BPD mother's physical needs, her emotional needs exceeded that. It wasn't possible to meet her emotional needs in any situation.

If she wanted something- it had to be immediate- (even if it wasn't urgent). Just as you saw that your mother texted/called you repeatedly, BPD mother would also push the nurse button over and over unti someone came to her. The staff also has other residents to attend to and since her requests weren't urgent- it exasperated them. Emotionally, my mother's wishes felt urgent to her, even if they weren't physically urgent.

One reason she sometimes called me to ask me to call the nurses is because she'd been calling them too much already (keep that in mind). My response was similar to yours- the nurse is right down the hall, she has a phone and a button to push- she can do this.

The other reason she might ask me to call for her is that she had an emotional need for me to be of service to her- to do things for her- even if she could do them herself. It wasn't the task she needed done, it was that she needed to have me do it.

She remained angry at me for not bringing her to live closer to me. I heard this type of thing too. Understandable that she wanted what she thought her peers have but what she thought/expected isn't accurate.

A/B/C does everything for their mother!

No, that isn't true for anyone. They aren't 24/7 servants. For some of my peers who were involved with caring for their parents, they also ended up having to have their parent in a facility when the parent's needs exceeded their ability to help and also sometimes for their parent's safety. Your mother, with her complicated medical and emotional needs is exactly where she needs to be, whether she believes it or not.

It's hard to hear though. I think, even in our situations, we have tried to do the best thing for our parents while also preserving our own emotional sanity, and to hear our parents' dissatisfaction can feel demoralizing.

One of the biggest challenges for me is to realize how a person treats others is a direct reflection of who he/she is and do my best to not take being treated badly personally. It certainly can help to feel the hurt of being mistreated by a BPD mother and her enablers while in certain situations being able to have a sense of humor if the behaviors are not really significantly damaging to anybody. A study once showed that nearly all the residents of a mental health living facility were able to diagnosis the other residents as well as the professionals by describing their disordered behaviors; the residents just did not know the names of the disorders. In assisted living, certainly most of the employees and residents who have regular contact with a person with BPD, recognize that this person is disordered and at times can have a sense of humor about some of the crazy things the person with BPD does. 

This.  AKA: Attention 

It is so refreshing to have a community who gets it. It's so amazing, it feels otherworldly, or "magic".

They have a bottomless pit of a need for attention.  Much like a 5 yr old who has learned to tie their own laces, but wines to have it done for them.  I swear this need for constant attention is the child trapped inside of them whose needs were never met in their FOO.  But instead of recognizing and addressing their own issues as an adult, they just keep being that child who needs an adult to take care of them.  It is our burden that they parentify us and raise us to tiptoe around their needs and take care of them to keep the peace for everybody.  They have learned how to use their power, and as children, we naturally learn to give it away.

I have accepted that my mom's personality is impossible for me to ever have a relationship with.  Like Zachira says: "a lifelong sorrow".  So many of us are affected, and yet the problem is hidden and invisible to the world outside the intimate relationships.  It's a lonely and misunderstood place to exist.

I have a dream.  My dream is that Borderline Personality Disorder make it into the English lexicon along with anxiety, depression, bipolar...  We deserve to be understood too, even if only at a recognition level.  That would at least be something.  Maybe then we wouldn't be left to feel so isolated and self-loathing.  After all, when everyone tells me what a wonderful lady she is, there must be something wrong with me right?

 
Thank you for the gift of these words.

  Well said.  Through my young life, I was my mother's best friend. We did everything together. I was devoted to her.  To helping her in any way I could.  We travelled together.  I took interest in the things she was interested in.  I did the things she wanted me to do.  She wanted me to be friends with her friends.  I supported her.  Counselled her.  Played with her.  Often sacrificing time with my own friends to meet her needs.  Her bucket always had a huge hole in the bottom.  As she got older the bottom rotted away and fell out. The first time I couldn't meet her need, I was knocked off the pedestal and became her scapegoat.  This was solidified when my father died and she needed a replacement scapegoat. 

You are right that their dissatisfaction feels demoralizing. Despite dedicating myself to her for so long before I had the necessary "epiphany" about what was really going on, I have a terrible sense that I was never enough, could not be enough, and a failure to her. I struggle to shake that, and I don't understand why. I am grieving with the knowledge that she used me to only have her bottomless pit of needs met.  I was nothing more than that.  When I couldn't meet her needs, I was useless and a failure as a daughter. 

Every time I visit her, I hear about how much A/B/C do for her.  These comments are death by a thousand cuts.  The undertone is that I should be doing those things, and I'm a failure.  I just smile and say how wonderful it is she has those friends.

She messed me up pretty good.  It's a big job to put humpty dumpty back together again.  Truthfully, it's exhausting.

That was a vent!  Back to threecomets’ point for this thread - "annoying behaviors to vent and hopefully find humor in".  I had numerous guffaws rereading this whole thread - so many things were relatable, and it's just so much easier to see the humor and have a laugh when someone else is writing about their issues/vents. Gosh.

I welcome/challenge any and all to make a joke or point out the funny parts of my mom's behavior, or the effect she has had on me.


I'm pretty certain one of them is tiring of mom.  She saw me recently and asked me with piercing eyes "if I was still working".  :cursing:  I had the feeling she is waiting for me to retire so she can stop helping mom.  When I finally retire, no one in this town is going to know about it.  I'll be hiking in the trees where the sun don't shine and her elderly friends can't walk to see me not working.

One of the biggest challenges for me is to realize how a person treats others is a direct reflection of who he/she is and do my best to not take being treated badly personally. I liked reading this and connected with it.  For me, the challenge is when family/community people who know her don't see this mean side of her, and expect me to take good care of her.  Since I'm immersed 24/7 in feeling invisible (to her abuse), it kind of overrides knowing that her abuse is a reflection of her and not me.  She was ok as a person, but as a mother, I can say she was terrible.  Still, when I am in town and an acquaintance I run into asks me how my mother is doing and never how I am doing, I feel put in the position of having to give inauthentic answers.  It's just icky every time.  I can never be honest when talking about my mother.

A study once showed that nearly all the residents of a mental health living facility were able to diagnosis the other residents as well as the professionals by describing their disordered behaviors; the residents just did not know the names of the disorders. This is so interesting that a study has been done on this.  I have a feeling this is already going on with mom, just by some of the things she tells me the other residents say or do.  Also, a couple of the health care aides have been quite frank.  One of them was an angel who said to me "you look after yourself now.  We've got your mom.  We know how to work with elderly people.  It's what we do."  She was being kind. So I think maybe the honeymoon period is over, and she's been there long enough to expose her "true" personality to some people. She no longer even mentions the name of the fellow she fell madly in love with when she moved in there.  I don't ask!

In assisted living, certainly most of the employees and residents who have regular contact with a person with BPD, recognize that this person is disordered and at times can have a sense of humor about some of the crazy things the person with BPD does. I have a hunch that the people who work there must do this with each other.  I can only imagine what a difficult job it can be at times.  To do that job, there must be some special aptitude for working with geriatrics and associated mental health issues that come with advanced aging, and also remarkable skills.  I can't even imagine being attracted to that job, but I'm soooooo grateful for the people that are.  They are saints.  I know and have met many that work there, and I must say that mom is incredibly fortunate.  She has even said numerous times that she likes the people who work there.  Of course on the next visit, that can change.  But that's just a reflection of her mood, and not a surprise.

You have interesting perspectives and nuggets of info Zachira.  Thank you

This was an issue for my BPD  mother in assisted living. The staff was overwhelmed by her constant needs. This also affected their relationship with me- even though I didn't behave like her- they were distant and not as communicative with me.

I would have moved her once it got this difficult but by then, it would have been more harmful to her to do that as she was used to the facility. There were times I wondered if the facility would evict her for her behavior (assisted living centers in the US can do that) Also, she'd have behaved the same in another one so it wouldn't really help.

I wish I could find humor in your situation  Methuen, and the one with my mother too but it mostly was sad for her, due to her own behavior and her own emotional struggles as she seemed to be unhappy in any situation. People did care about her but somehow she sabotaged their efforts. There were activities she could have participated in but she refused. Other residents were potential friends but she didn't return their attempts to be friends with her.

Even at a distance, her suffering felt overwhelming to me. We didn't have the same positive connection that you did with your mother earlier on, but I did care about her well being. I think we've been raised to feel a responsibility for our mother's feelings, even if we aren't. We don't want them to feel this discomfort but we can't do anything to change it for them.

We kids did cope with humor in other situations with her. I think if anyone had heard us, they'd think we were deranged.  It was not a happy funny humor but a "laugh so you don't cry" coping mechanism. We kept it between us.

My dBPD is not in assisted living but was not allowed back to a rehab center near her home due to abusive behavior. Rehab is a step between being discharged from a hospital and going home.  She wasn’t demanding but screamed at staff and punched/slapped them if they got near her. That’s how she was when I was growing up so it’s not dementia which she has now.


I wish I could too. She behaved somewhat (she slapped only one person - a record for her) in her last long stay in rehab because we told her she was far from home (the only rehab center who would take her was 20 miles away) and she didn’t like being far away. She had a wonderful roommate who was sweet and friendly to my mother and to us. We met her son who was also kind and helpful to us. My mother ignored her. I felt bad for her because she constantly complained about loneliness.


I never have either. I understand BPD wasn’t her fault and have tried to help but she’s either afraid to accept it or too haughty to.

Yes, some of BPD mother's behaviors in her elder years was, in ways, was "normalized"-due to her age but it wasn't much different than when she was younger. It's normal for elderly people to need assistance with tasks- due to their physical needs but for BPD mother- this was an emotional need- to have people do things for her even when she was younger and more physically capable.

But even so, these behaviors were excessive even for her physical condition. The staff recognized this and at one point wanted her to be in the memory care unit for dementia where there was a higher staff ratio, but she didn't have dementia. In addition she would have refused to go to a unit where she had less autonomy.

If you want to see humor at it's best in a care home setting, check out the award winning "Derek" by Ricky Gervais, it's on Netflix (UK) currently.

People with a PD use fear to manipulate and humor is a none confrontational way of combating bullying. This is why empathetic humor always punches up. People with a PD will make jokes that lack emotional intelligence, e.g. laughing when someone hurts themselves or racist jokes.

I’ve heard the UK comedy show — Absolutely Fabulous — has two main characters who act like they have BPD. These are two women (Eddie and Patsy) who are in the fashion industry and are self-centered, alcoholic, corrupt and immature. One has a daughter who is mature and responsible. She’s the adult and parent to her mom and mom’s friend.

Here’s some YouTube samples:

Saffy’s (the responsible daughter) Painful Childhood Memories in the Park

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QZWHjk1WMvY&pp=ygUYQWJzb2x1dGVseSBmYWJ1bG91cyBtb2pv

Here’s the top 10 scenes from the show. It gives you a taste of the show if you’ve never seen it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4TRXG4JmyX8&t=10s&pp=ygUYQWJzb2x1dGVseSBmYWJ1bG91cyBtb2pv

This right here.
For example, I had the flu last week - symptoms like Covid.  It was miserable.  I texted her yesterday to tell her I had the flu and I'm slowly recovering.

Silence. (It's not about her?  She doesn't care I was sick?  Why wouldn't she reply?)

Every weekend I usually go visit  her.  Bring her things.  Do things for her.  Since I didn't get a reply to yesterday's message, I tried FaceTiming her twice this morning, and phoning her twice. 

Silence.

Silent treatment?  She's wallowing in self-pity?  Just sleeping all the time?

The irony is that I don't have a single friend who's thoughts would go to these negative dark spaces about their mother.  They have never experienced a silent treatment, or a child-mother, or a mother that lives in a cesspool of self-pity or lives in a state of victimhood. 

So I have tried to reach out.  How she responds is out of my control right?

Here's how the next chapter goes:
She tells her friends:
I never see Methuen anymore
She tells the assisted living workers:
My daughter never visits me
She tells me:
"You don't love me!"

Out of my control.  I have reached out to her.  Her granddaughter reached out to her.  She doesn't answer, or call back.

I have loved her so much.  Sometimes we have to learn that some love just isn't safe, and learn to work within that.  I just struggle so much with my own guilt, and what other people will think when she twists and manipulates things to fit her own distorted internal narrative.

I’m sorry, Methuen. I know that must hurt deeply. She’s using you (and lying about you)  to get positive attention from others. She can’t tolerate the spotlight of goodness and truth shining on you.

Could you call the staff to ask them how she’s doing? You can tell them you’re sick and have to recuperate at home. I believe the staff already knows you’re a good daughter and she’s manipulative by this point.  You can’t hide it from people who see you 24/7. At least you’ll know how your mom is doing. If there’s any staff who believes your mom, they’ll see it’s not true.

My mom would split me black if the person she spoke to was complimentary to their child’s action or behavior. If the person was complaining, she’d let the person know I was attentive and a top notch daughter.  It was strange to have her twist reality to get attention from a pleased mother and one-up a sad mother with my real behavior. Even stranger, she’d do this in front of me. I felt deflated and invisible.

I'm sorry, Methuen. This kind of thing is so discouraging. I understand the wish for your efforts to be "enough" but I don't know if any amount of love or visiting can be enough for them. On your part, the schedule you can manage is the best you can do.  Hope you are feeling better soon.

It is terribly painful to be harshly judged by others especially when the truth of what is going on is the complete opposite from what is truly going on. Do you know that others think badly of you because of your mother's smear campaign or do you assume that many people believe what she says about you? It is taboo in our culture to speak badly about a mother to her children. I often found that when I spoke my truth about my mother, other mothers would take it personally that they were being attacked as not being good mothers themselves. Mothers are often artificially put on a pedestal as saints and some mothers cannot handle that they are flawed human beings like the rest of us, which is a form of narcissism.

Last post was for Methuen.

HappyChappy - this is a winner!  OMG it is funny.  If anyone decides to give it a try - please persist through multiple episodes.  Sometimes we are holding our stomachs laughing, and sometimes we are in awe with the poignancy and the acting.  So much depth.  And humour in spades. 

Great recommendation. We are into season 2.  TY!

Hi Methuen, I'm glad you've found this thread relatable and of value, it was precisely the reason I started it, because of the extension of us from them, we take on their feelings and internalise them, so I wanted to try and start turning those feelings around. This is a good theory, the search to 'dump' those triggered feelings onto someone else in order to offload. They haven't made the connection because I guess for them this is normal and because the whole family is institutionalised, it reinforces the sense that nothing is wrong, so the cycle continues.

I have named the puppy what I had planned to, I've named him Elvis - he's a tiny little diva with a big personality! It's funny because she visited last month (story for another day) and said to me "didn't you like any of the names I suggested?" and "I didn't know you even liked Elvis that much" - other than the fact I visited Graceland, used to draw pictures of him when I was 10/11, watched his films, own a few records, went through phase in my late teens doing my hair like Priscilla in the 60's....(I'm not a crazed obsessive fan, but I have a genuine interest and love the whole era) - enough that it's utterly utterly bizarre my own mother would claim I don't like him that much haha.

I felt somewhat anxious for you, reading about the eye drops and the 'consequences' of batting back with 'ask the nurse' and the onslaught of self-victimising that follows your neutral an boundaried response.

Elvis- love it! I wasn't a huge fan, but I did like him in his time.

With your mother's statements that she didn't think you liked him that much- I also wondered how much my mother knew "me" and how much was her projections.

Yes, that’s probably true the projections onto you, I also see contrarian traits and how much is a complete disinterest in anything that doesn’t directly benefit them.

So a close relative (not blood) has gone in for an operation.

When my mother informed me last month of the illness (cancer) the relative had, my mother blamed it on it being a 'spiritual issue' with my relative and also said 'why can't people who deserve to get cancer get it'.....

They went in for their op today and I asked my mother how it went.

She left me a minute and a half long voicemail of her crying then saying sorry, sorry. Then sent me a message saying 'i'm ok, I promise'

Right.....ok and how is the person who's had the op? any update?

Not heard a word.

One I like is Personality Crisis by the NY Dolls. It's a famous song for those of us who like glam rock/punk music.

It's all over YouTube if you want to see it. I like the Rockpalast live performance the best.

Some lyrics:

You're a prima ballerina on a spring afternoon
But you change into the wolfman
You're howling at the moon

All about her personality crisis
You got it while it was hot
But now, frustration and heartache is what you've got
Well, now you're trying to do something
Now you're trying to be something
You want to be someone who counts
But you think about the times you did
They took every ounce

threecomets,

My dBPD mother would not tell me about illnesses people had because she is very superstitious and afraid of disease herself. Talking about it would increase her chances of getting sick in the same way. My mom would think she's protecting me from it by not saying much. My dad would tell me if relatives were sick or died.

Maybe your mom is the same and the concern is coming out in this way?  This is her way of kind of telling you while protecting you.

My mother's concern for me would jump out suddenly like this or when a neighbor man was bothering me as a child when it was absolutely necessary.

Otherwise, she would poke at my self esteem to build her own up.

Some rewriting.

My mother's concern for me would jump out suddenly like this or when it was necessary like with a man from the neighborhood who suddenly noticed me at age 12.

Otherwise, she would poke holes in my self esteem to build up  her own inflated sense of self.

Hopefully they're OK, but I see the humour. When my father was dying of cancer, she wouldn't let anyone speak to him and used it as a tool to get attention.

When I became seriously and lost mobility I had to explain to my mother why that meant I couldn't drive over, she said "Take the bus then ! "  It's only funny once you realise it's not personal.

It depends on how close we are to a disordered person and how much we are impacted whether we can find humor in some of their disordered hurtful behaviors. I can imagine that staff taking care of elderly people with BPD, can likely find humor in some of the disordered behaviors because they have other staff to share their feelings with, can go home at the end of the day, and could leave their jobs to find another. I find no humor in my mother with BPD disordered behaviors even though she has been deceased for many years. She crippled me for life in many ways by the abuse, even though I have made much progress in becoming a person in my own right, now well aware that I did not deserve to be abused.