Annoying behaviours to vent and hopefully find humour in

[TelHill]

 There were times I wondered if the facility would evict her for her behavior (assisted living centers in the US can do that) Also, she'd have behaved the same in another one so it wouldn't really help.

My dBPD is not in assisted living but was not allowed back to a rehab center near her home due to abusive behavior. Rehab is a step between being discharged from a hospital and going home.  She wasn’t demanding but screamed at staff and punched/slapped them if they got near her. That’s how she was when I was growing up so it’s not dementia which she has now.

I wish I could find humor in your situation  Methuen, and the one with my mother too but it mostly was sad for her, due to her own behavior and her own emotional struggles as she seemed to be unhappy in any situation. People did care about her but somehow she sabotaged their efforts. There were activities she could have participated in but she refused. Other residents were potential friends but she didn't return their attempts to be friends with her.

I wish I could too. She behaved somewhat (she slapped only one person - a record for her) in her last long stay in rehab because we told her she was far from home (the only rehab center who would take her was 20 miles away) and she didn’t like being far away. She had a wonderful roommate who was sweet and friendly to my mother and to us. We met her son who was also kind and helpful to us. My mother ignored her. I felt bad for her because she constantly complained about loneliness.

Even at a distance, her suffering felt overwhelming to me. We didn't have the same positive connection that you did with your mother earlier on, but I did care about her well being. I think we've been raised to feel a responsibility for our mother's feelings, even if we aren't. We don't want them to feel this discomfort but we can't do anything to change it for them.

I never have either. I understand BPD wasn’t her fault and have tried to help but she’s either afraid to accept it or too haughty to.

[Notwendy]

My dBPD is not in assisted living but was not allowed back to a rehab center near her home due to abusive behavior. Rehab is a step between being discharged from a hospital and going home.  She wasn’t demanding but screamed at staff and punched/slapped them if they got near her. That’s how she was when I was growing up so it’s not dementia which she has now.

Yes, some of BPD mother's behaviors in her elder years was, in ways, was "normalized"-due to her age but it wasn't much different than when she was younger. It's normal for elderly people to need assistance with tasks- due to their physical needs but for BPD mother- this was an emotional need- to have people do things for her even when she was younger and more physically capable.

But even so, these behaviors were excessive even for her physical condition. The staff recognized this and at one point wanted her to be in the memory care unit for dementia where there was a higher staff ratio, but she didn't have dementia. In addition she would have refused to go to a unit where she had less autonomy.

[HappyChappy]

I wish I could find humor in your situation  Methuen, and the one with my mother too but it mostly was sad ...

If you want to see humor at it's best in a care home setting, check out the award winning "Derek" by Ricky Gervais, it's on Netflix (UK) currently.

People with a PD use fear to manipulate and humor is a none confrontational way of combating bullying. This is why empathetic humor always punches up. People with a PD will make jokes that lack emotional intelligence, e.g. laughing when someone hurts themselves or racist jokes.

[TelHill]

I’ve heard the UK comedy show — Absolutely Fabulous — has two main characters who act like they have BPD. These are two women (Eddie and Patsy) who are in the fashion industry and are self-centered, alcoholic, corrupt and immature. One has a daughter who is mature and responsible. She’s the adult and parent to her mom and mom’s friend.

Here’s some YouTube samples:

Saffy’s (the responsible daughter) Painful Childhood Memories in the Park

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QZWHjk1WMvY&pp=ygUYQWJzb2x1dGVseSBmYWJ1bG91cyBtb2pv

Here’s the top 10 scenes from the show. It gives you a taste of the show if you’ve never seen it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4TRXG4JmyX8&t=10s&pp=ygUYQWJzb2x1dGVseSBmYWJ1bG91cyBtb2pv

[Methuen]

it mostly was sad for her, due to her own behavior and her own emotional struggles as she seemed to be unhappy in any situation. People did care about her but somehow she sabotaged their efforts. There were activities she could have participated in but she refused. Other residents were potential friends but she didn't return their attempts to be friends with her.

Even at a distance, her suffering felt overwhelming to me. I think we've been raised to feel a responsibility for our mother's feelings, even if we aren't. We don't want them to feel this discomfort but we can't do anything to change it for them.

This right here.
For example, I had the flu last week - symptoms like Covid.  It was miserable.  I texted her yesterday to tell her I had the flu and I'm slowly recovering.

Silence. (It's not about her?  She doesn't care I was sick?  Why wouldn't she reply?)

Every weekend I usually go visit  her.  Bring her things.  Do things for her.  Since I didn't get a reply to yesterday's message, I tried FaceTiming her twice this morning, and phoning her twice. 

Silence.

Silent treatment?  She's wallowing in self-pity?  Just sleeping all the time?

The irony is that I don't have a single friend who's thoughts would go to these negative dark spaces about their mother.  They have never experienced a silent treatment, or a child-mother, or a mother that lives in a cesspool of self-pity or lives in a state of victimhood. 

So I have tried to reach out.  How she responds is out of my control right?

Here's how the next chapter goes:
She tells her friends:
I never see Methuen anymore
She tells the assisted living workers:
My daughter never visits me
She tells me:
"You don't love me!"

Out of my control.  I have reached out to her.  Her granddaughter reached out to her.  She doesn't answer, or call back.

I have loved her so much.  Sometimes we have to learn that some love just isn't safe, and learn to work within that.  I just struggle so much with my own guilt, and what other people will think when she twists and manipulates things to fit her own distorted internal narrative.

[TelHill]

I’m sorry, Methuen. I know that must hurt deeply. She’s using you (and lying about you)  to get positive attention from others. She can’t tolerate the spotlight of goodness and truth shining on you.

Could you call the staff to ask them how she’s doing? You can tell them you’re sick and have to recuperate at home. I believe the staff already knows you’re a good daughter and she’s manipulative by this point.  You can’t hide it from people who see you 24/7. At least you’ll know how your mom is doing. If there’s any staff who believes your mom, they’ll see it’s not true.

My mom would split me black if the person she spoke to was complimentary to their child’s action or behavior. If the person was complaining, she’d let the person know I was attentive and a top notch daughter.  It was strange to have her twist reality to get attention from a pleased mother and one-up a sad mother with my real behavior. Even stranger, she’d do this in front of me. I felt deflated and invisible.

[Notwendy]

I'm sorry, Methuen. This kind of thing is so discouraging. I understand the wish for your efforts to be "enough" but I don't know if any amount of love or visiting can be enough for them. On your part, the schedule you can manage is the best you can do.  Hope you are feeling better soon.

[zachira]

It is terribly painful to be harshly judged by others especially when the truth of what is going on is the complete opposite from what is truly going on. Do you know that others think badly of you because of your mother's smear campaign or do you assume that many people believe what she says about you? It is taboo in our culture to speak badly about a mother to her children. I often found that when I spoke my truth about my mother, other mothers would take it personally that they were being attacked as not being good mothers themselves. Mothers are often artificially put on a pedestal as saints and some mothers cannot handle that they are flawed human beings like the rest of us, which is a form of narcissism.

[zachira]

Last post was for Methuen.

[Methuen]

If you want to see humor at it's best in a care home setting, check out the award winning "Derek" by Ricky Gervais, it's on Netflix (UK) currently.

HappyChappy - this is a winner!  OMG it is funny.  If anyone decides to give it a try - please persist through multiple episodes.  Sometimes we are holding our stomachs laughing, and sometimes we are in awe with the poignancy and the acting.  So much depth.  And humour in spades. 

Great recommendation. We are into season 2.  TY!