Annoying behaviours to vent and hopefully find humour in

[pipistrelle1987]

Not to minimise the effect our bpd relation has on us, but I found myself extremely irritated today by a small sentence sent by my mother because it is a reoccurring behaviour that argh really really triggers this feeling in me of being controlled. I wondered if it would be helpful to have an open thread on things they do that drive us mad that we can find some humour in to squash the effect it has on us.

I’ll go first and feel free to add if yours does this too.

She is obsessed with telling me when someone’s birthday is and forcibly implying I should send them a card, even people I don’t see or speak to often. Usually goes like this:

“It’s so and so’s birthday on x date”

Next day

“Are you sending their card here?”

Next day

“Have you sent their card?”

I know the content is silly but it’s just that sense of being told what to. I don’t even send cards to my friends, we send messages, but if I saw that then it’s ww3. It drives me bonkers!

[Methuen]

My mom does this exact thing - but uses pronouns to slide the responsibility to me.  Example:

"What are we going to do for __________'s ____________ (funeral, birthday, anniversary....)?

It does get tiresome.

[zachira]

My disordered family members like to brag about what a wonderful family we are ignoring how much abuse there is/have been of other family members.

[Notwendy]

My mother also asks me to call relatives when I am in town. I think a part of this is a habit from when long distance calls were very expensive, but everyone has cell phones and in the US, long distance rates and not a concern.

Even when I am not in town. A while back she called me to day "Relative A's birthday is today. He'd be so happy to hear from you".

At the time, Relative A had not spoken to me in years. He also has his own phone and he can call me if he wants to.

I didn't make that call.

What does bother me is that I have a cousin who lives abroad. Long distance rates apply so I don't expect her to call me. However, she visits her parents frequently and they tell me when she's coming. I ask them to please ask her to call me on their phones when she's in the US and that I would love to speak to her. She doesn't call me. She does visit my mother when she's here, which I think is a nice thing to do.

She's aware of the issues with my mother. She's not a flying monkey. Sometimes I call when she's at her family's house here and speak to her briefly but she doesn't call me. I don't know why- she seems happy to speak to me when I do call, and I don't think we have an issues between us, but it does bother me that she doesn't call.  I don't think it's a personal issue or she's trying to be hurtful. I think it's not a priority for her.

[Notwendy]

So many typos in my reply but if I don't catch them before I post, I can't correct- but I think the meaning of the sentences is clear

[GaGrl]

My mother had a few BPD traits but wouldn't have been diagnosed (as opposed to her stepmother, who was full-fledged BPD/NPD). One quirk my mom had that drove me crazy was that she'd be talking about someone and say, " You remember so-and-so...they were related to doesn't and lived on whichever-street." And I would reply, "No, Mom, I had already moved away by then, I don't know them at all." And she'd say, "Oh!" THEN PROCEED TO TELL ME THE STORY ABOUT PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW, ANYWAY. And if I ever interrupted and told her it didn't mean anything because I had no connection to these people at all, she'd get huffy. Argh!!

[Notwendy]

Here is one. My BPD mother said she was trying to "downsize". She'd ask us to come get whatever we wanted, but if we did that and found something we wanted, she'd refuse to let us have it.

So we eventually just said no to the offer to get something we wanted. We still would visit- so she would see we would still come to see her regardless but she didn't seem to be OK with this and would persist in asking us.

I think this is about her fear that if she didn't have something we wanted, we wouldn't visit, so we hoped that by visiting and not asking for anything would reassure her but it didn't.

So, I decided that if this was a need for her, I'd tell her I wanted something.   She showed me a decorative bowl and asked me if I wanted it. I didn't really care if I got the bowl or not, but it was pretty.  I told her I liked it and would be happy to take it with me. We were driving, I could put it in the car. She seemed pleased and was about to give it to me, then changed her mind and said she'd ship it to me later. I never saw the bowl again.

[CC43]

My pet peeve is when the loved one with BPD invites herself to dinner and then ghosts us. No courtesy text to say that she changed her plans. No apology. If we reach out to inquire, she doesn’t respond. Later she’ll say she was sleeping (at dinner time…) or that her phone didn’t have a charge, but it is clearly a lie. She thinks this is OK. But if anyone dared to cancel plans on her, she’d have a meltdown.

[Notwendy]

My pet peeve is when the loved one with BPD invites herself to dinner and then ghosts us.

But if anyone dared to cancel plans on her, she’d have a meltdown.

Mine doesn't ghost you but comes up with some reason (health related or she's angry at something you did (whether intended or not) and then decides to not go.

Or she has no intentions of going but wants to be invited.

I don't make plans with her in advance because I can't rely on her following through with plans to attend. Better to order food in at the last minute than to plan something.

[Methuen]

One quirk my mom had that drove me crazy was that she'd be talking about someone and say, " You remember so-and-so...they were related to doesn't and lived on whichever-street." And I would reply, "No, Mom, I had already moved away by then, I don't know them at all." And she'd say, "Oh!" THEN PROCEED TO TELL ME THE STORY ABOUT PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW, ANYWAY. And if I ever interrupted and told her it didn't mean anything because I had no connection to these people at all, she'd get huffy. Argh!!

This is my mom almost every visit.  I could hardly believe my eyes when I read yours did this.

I've thought a lot about mom doing this over the last couple of years.  My theory is that it's related to both her narcissism and her lack of differentiation from me, but mostly the narcissism: if it's interesting or important to her, it has to be for me too. If I'm not, it's my duty to be interested in her story or there is something wrong with me.  Her lack of differentiation because in her psyche it validates her to see us as interested in the same things.  (Which we're not, but I've always tried to be kind and played along, which I now realize translates to being a pushover.)

[Methuen]

My mother will ask a question.  So I (or H) starts to answer, but then she thinks of something else and interrupts you, talks over you, or changes the conversation again.

This one drives me crazy, and my H crazier. 

About 13 years ago (S30 was still in high school), we invited a family friend over for a dinner and visit because he was in a profession our son was interested in.  Because he and his (deceased) wife had been friends with my parents and both lived in the same different community, I also invited my mom. 

Logical.  But a big mistake.  (I was ALWAYS trying to do the right thing by mom and "include" her in things to help her manage her abandonment issues, but it only hurt us).

As our son was asking questions, our guest was trying to answer them, and mom would interrupt mid-sentence and completely change the topic to something she was interested in.

After this had happened SOOOOO many times, and our guest was clearly confused and didn't know what to do, I finally turned to her, and asked her in a neutral tone if we could please hear out what (guest) had to say about his career.

You can guess the rest of the story.

[Methuen]

Another one is her use of hyperbole to get attention.  Everything is exaggerated for maximum drama.

"_______ is so sick, she's dying"  (At least 10 years ago...)

"I passed out yesterday" (she confessed to her friend this was a complete fabrication and never happened, but she said it when she wanted her friend to come over right away).

[CC43]

I'll add one more which I bet others can relate to:

The loved one with untreated BPD seems to have a crisis requiring a rescue when we depart for a vacation or special travels; however she's relatively crisis-free most other times.  I'm not sure if the trigger is fear of abandonment, feeling excluded, vindictiveness or jealousy, or some combination of the above.  She tends to be a "spoiler" of any special plans.  I swear, it would easier to leave a newborn with a babysitter than leave an adult with BPD for a business trip or a weekend getaway . . .