BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I recently got some news of an incident that occurred while my D was with her mom.  My D told me about it, although she was worried about telling me because she said her mom angrily demanded she promise NOT to tell me, and didn't want to suffer any blowback if she learned she told me (I said I would be discreet). 

The incident involved a drunk driving accident BPDxw caused.  Basically, they were returned from an event, and her mom had been drinking (daughter said the adults in the group had "a bunch of bottles of champaign").  In one car was BPDxw, her friend, and her friend's kids, and D was in the car behind watching this happen.

I guess, BPDxw tried putting her car in some kind of auto-pilot mode (this was not a Tesla, but an SUV with lane following assist), so she could stand in the sunroof while the car was driving. 

YES, with kids in the car, WHILE she was driving, she wanted to stand up in the sunroof, and feel the wind in her hair or whatever.  The car swerved dangerously the first time she tried it, and then she incredibly tried it again, and on the second attempt, the car veered off the road and hit a mailbox before coming to a stop in someone's yard.  A child in the car was apparently injured in the accident. 

I guess the car was still driveable, and they were able to get it home without getting caught, or anyone filing a police report, as far as I know. 

So my question:  How can I obtain evidence of this incident that would hold up in court? 

I'm thinking of calling the local PD, and asking if anyone reported any property damage like this, or the incident itself.  I think all the adults involved in the incident would deny it - even the parents of the child injured (they're that kind of people). 

According to my daughter, her step dad also drinks while driving... I don't know if her mom does, but I do know when her mom drinks, any self control goes out the window completely. 

Don't want to start an incident if it leads to nothing, but I also don't want to do nothing if it leads to my daughter being harmed if/when they do something like this again.  Also don't know if this is enough to go to court over...   Daughter mentioned living with me again, but said she was afraid of them being angry and abusive toward her during the time she would be at her mom's home if we flipped custody.

Your divorce lawyer ought to be able to provide some ideas?

If your daughter is in counseling, she might share that with the counselor.  No idea if another's child is put at risk makes an enforceable difference.

My SUV is a few years old and if I'm using cruise control it will do some limited level of lane assist but if my hands leave the steering wheel for more than about 10 seconds it alerts and stops the lane assist.

Hi,

One sign that your daughter is telling the truth is that her mom swore her to secrecy!

One thing your daughter might do is approach a school counselor and express her concerns about her mother and stepdad driving drunk, because it puts her in harm's way.  That might impel the counselor to report, which might trigger a CPS investigation.

I don't know to what extent gathering evidence yourself would be admissable in court, but my recommendation would be to try to photograph your ex's car for damage (discreetly of course), and possibly the mailbox.  You know the mantra here--document, document, document.  Even if the "evidence" doesn't reach the courtroom, I think it might help substantiate a case, such as with CPS.  My sister did that sort of thing with her ex, who was an unsafe driver and got into accidents, some like the one you describe.  Ultimately, her kids' concerns about smaller accidents, near-misses and getting lost on familiar routes were enough for courts to remove their dad's ability to drive the kids anywhere.  I'm pretty sure it all started when one of the kids approached a school counselor about this.

If your ex is anything like my disordered uNPD family member, she will have a spotty driving record.  The police might have a file on her.  In other words, one report of a small accident with no police intervention or evidence might be disregarded.  But if you can establish a pattern and reason for ongoing concern, then you might get something done about it.  One standard approach would be to require a breathalyzer test whenever your daughter is driven by her mom, to ensure your daughter's safety.

PS

In the meantime, you tell your daughter that her safety comes first, no matter what.  If your daughter suspects that a driver is drunk, she shouldn't get in the car in the first place.  If she has a cellphone, she should call for help--you, another adult, 911.  If she doesn't have a cellphone, then she should find another adult/teacher/friend-with-a-phone and ask them for help.  You can frame it in terms of your daughter's safety, not about her mom or stepdad. 

The driving under the influence is a concern, but I emphasized these statements too. Your D is afraid of her BPD mother being angry and abusive. These stood out to me because, I felt this way too.

I don't have legal information for how to proceed. I think it is worth talking to your attorney about what to do, if there's anything possible. If your D is old enough to have a voice, expressing her feelings is in her favor. Even without the evidence of drunk driving- she's afraid.

I don't know how much you can do without evidence, however, your D has a voice- she can speak up to her counselor about it, and also how to protect her from backlash, because her mother will likely react if she thinks she said something. But her feeling fearful of saying anything is significant- she's afraid to stand up for herself because of the consequences.

I need to get her in counseling.  It's been tough finding one that can see them, given my limited custody time during weekday 9-5 hours, but I'll see what I can do. 

When I spoke with my lawyer about the potential success of a custody flip, she said I don't have a slam dunk case, even with my D testifying she wants to live with me, which is frustrating, and a few years ago I blew a lot of money on an abortive attempt to flip custody, which didn't work out (I eventually threw in the towel).  My attorney DID say a DUI accident or a legal issue like that might be grounds for an immediate injunction, but here, there was no police report, no arrest, and I am sure it would boil down to a he-said/she-said debate with the adults closing ranks and my daughter having to be the only one to testify her mom was drinking. 

I think I'm going to talk to a PI for now and see whether we can uncover any evidence of the accident to corroborate the story. 

So my ex moved to a really conservative area, and when she had CPS called on her home (because of loud screaming fights between her, her then-BF, and her mom) and I reported it to the school, the counselor did nothing - not even reach out to my daughter to find out what was going on, and wouldn't return my calls when I followed up.  I got the sense they view that sort of thing as a "family matter," and wouldn't get involved. 

I will talk to my daughter about seeing the counselor. 

I think she knows that if we go the lawsuit route, or she speaks up, despite the fact that adults might be sympathetic to her situation, inevitably she'll be back at her mom's house at some point after the hearings are over, and once she's there, she's at the "mercy"  of the adults there (her mom and her step-dad), who are going to do every manipulative thing known to man to get her to keep her mouth shut and maintain the status quo... screaming at her, crying, blaming her for their own issues, good cop/bad cop, etc. and it's unfortunate because I'm now in the position of being the one who knows but can't protect her from this. 

I think she's starting to see the issue that she doesn't want to live at her mom's house anymore, but - quite naturally given her age - does not want to cut her mom out of her life.  However, because of how her mom acts, on some level she knows there's no "happy medium" here, and when she does see her mom, it would have to be at her mom's house, where she'd be stuck and subject to the rages, hysterical crying, manipulative fights, etc. etc. 

edit: my daughter is at a new school now, so the counselor may be different, but it's a private school and her mom is paying the tuition (well... the child support I pay covers it), and so what are they going to do?  they must know that if they pursue the issue, they lose a paying student.

I understand, and it was similar for me, and also, my parents stayed together. Information on BPD wasn't available at the time, and none if us could know what was going on with BPD mother or how to better manage it. I think my father wanted to avoid anything that would cause her to escalate her behavior.

Saying or doing anything that might expose BPD mother's behavior was considered to be a major transgression, and would result in the kind of behavior your D wants to avoid.

As a teen, I would have chosen to live with my father if it had been an option but I also didn't understand the full picture as well as your D does- and like her, I didn't want to completely cut contact with my mother.

For me, my best option was college away from home. It may also be that way for your D as well. It also helped to spend time away from home- with other family members, summer camp, school activities and for your D, she has time with you at your place.

The driving is a concern. My BPD mother didn't like to drive. She would not have minded another option. I wonder if you and your D can sit down and come up with ideas for safe rides- can she ride to activities with a friend? I recall when my kids were that age, I didn't mind if other kids got a ride with my kids.

I realize your D isn't ready to go to college but I was thinking about it before I could go, and looking forward to being there, even though it took some time before I could be completely independent. (like most college students).

Costs were a concern but a state college was an affordable option, and had dorms.

When the time comes, you can sit down with your D and look at her options. I think many kids look for their "dream school"- some which are generous with financial aid, but a less costly state school also has dorms. It doesn't need to be very far away but far enough for your D to have some autonomy and independence.

Knowing college was the plan helped, because I knew there would be that situation in the plans. It also provided a "normal" situation, one that would not have upset BPD mother.

Hi there,

Regarding the school counselor, they are legally mandated reporters.  In other words, they have to break confidentiality if they suspect abuse or imminent danger.  I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know if the source of the complaint is relevant, but it seems to me that there would be a difference between a child feeling scared/unsafe, vs. a potentially disgruntled parent tattling on an ex.  Now, every counselor is different, and they might exercise discretion when determining if something is "reportable," and decide to do the paperwork, too.  But my guess is that if your daughter went with her concerns about drunk driving, and then maybe followed up with other concerns, the counselor would have "enough" to report, and that could launch a CPS investigation.  From there, it's hard to say if CPS will find the homelife to be abusive or dangerous.  I can say that in my extended family, CPS came to that determination, but only after the second CPS investigation, because the disordered parent was a huge manipulator and consummate liar.  I guess that's why this site recommends to document, document, document, to establish patterns of abuse/danger/not acting for the welfare of the child.

I also agree with Notwendy about kids not wanting to completely cut out a parent from their life.  I think most children crave having a relationship with both parents--but in a set-up that protects their safety and development.  In my extended family, that means that kids live with mom, but they visit with their disordered dad while supervised by another adult (Grandma), and they don't stay overnight or drive with their dad (alone) anymore, because he cannot guarantee their safety.  He barely has the energy for a days-long visit as it is.  They do better with controlled contact, say dinner together at a restaurant.  That's about all their dad can handle.  But that's better than no relationship whatsoever, or the kids staying in his pig-sty home with no food, or letting him drive, drunken-like, falling asleep at the wheel, half blind from self-inflicted, untreated diabetes and kidney disease.

Notwendy makes a good point about getting excited about college.  I know that after visiting a couple of campuses in my teens, I was super-excited and motivated by the prospect of going to college and living on campus.  You know how scheduling a vacation in your calendar can lift your spirits, before you're even close to packing?  I think the same phenomenon happens with dreaming about college, because it's a beacon, a reminder that this period of living in a disordered household with mom has an expiration date.  It's not about severing the relationship with her, but more about feeling liberated and getting a chance to live in peace, if not now, then in a few short months or years.  By the same token, I think I mentioned here or on another thread, the benefits of facilitating for your daughter some opportunities to enrich her life outside of her mom's home/orbit:  summer camps, summer jobs, extracurriculars, a week living at a cousin's house, an internship, volunteer work, whatever.  These opportunities not only help her develop her sense of self, but also give her a break from the maternal chaos and a chance to experience what more "normal" life looks like.  I know that transportation can be an issue, but when I was a tween/young teen, what I did was carpool and take public transportation.  Maybe find a friend with a driver's license and do something with the friend, and help pay for gas in return.  Or find a friend with a parent who is willing and able to drive around, and pay for gas in return.  That sort of arrangement can work wonders.

If you currently have less than a typical non-primary parent's parenting schedule (less than the usual "alternate weekends plus an evening or overnight in between") then seeking to flip the longstanding order may to too much at once.  How so?

I recall how shocked I was when my divorce lawyer told me that courts usually didn't make big changes to orders since too big a change might "shock" the child.  I almost felt like shouting, "What if not making a big change is shocking the child?"

That's why I've since had the impression that courts prefer to make smaller adjustments... so they can stop once the changes resolve the issues at hand.

For example, I kept going back to court every 2-3 years because issues never resolved.  I started with alternate weekends in the temp order, moved up to equal time/custody in the final decree, moved up to full guardianship a couple years later, finally moved up to majority time a few years after that.  He was almost 4 years old when we separated, he was still 11 years old when we finally had an order that "worked".

So my thought is that if you don't have the common non-primary parent schedule as mentioned in the first paragraph, that that "incremental" upgrade may be considered reasonable by the court.  It is normal for children to have alternate weekends with each parent.

Also, if you're not getting the usual alternate holidays and two to three weeks vacation with the kids each year then that also is something reasonable to get fixed.

There's not much we can do in that regard.  When I say her mom moved to a rural area, think: literally surrounded by farmland.  Her home is ~15-20 mins from the nearest freeway exit, and about the same distance to the local "downtown."  

On top of that, her mom is incredibly paranoid; when I try to broach topics or get more involved in activities, she starts questioning my motivation, refuses to provide information, and does everything she can to make it difficult.  So I mostly have stuck to the decree to handle things, and parallel parent.  I can't call her and discuss a concern, and while we occasionally do agree on switching some things, it's only in situations where it doesn't affect anything she wants to do.

I understand. Your D is already aware that sometimes intervening makes the situation worse.

She may not wish to speak to someone at her school. These are social ties for her and her mother. I didn't want people I knew to know about my mother. I felt there was some shame attached to that- not true, it wasn't my fault, but people who knew her tended to not believe us, and think we were being disrespectful. Also, discussing BPD mother to anyone outside the family was considered to be a serious transgression for my parents. A private counselor was the only safe option.

One thing that is different with your D is that- you can also provide some time away from her mother and while you won't triangulate, you are a safer person to speak to. You may feel badly that your D is in this situation, while you were able to not have to live with her mother. I can assure you that staying together didn't prevent us kids from experiencing BPD mother's behavior.

We kids later found ourselves in a similar situation with my father in his elder years over BPD mother's behavior. If we intervened on his behalf, BPD mother would escalate. It would be worse for all involved.

What you can do is be a safe person for your D to talk to, validate her feelings, encourage her taking steps to get to college- out of the house and be of support (financial, emotional, academic- to the best you can do this)  for her while she attains her independence. Once she has this then she can choose the extent of her relationship with her mother.

Notwendy has often observed that, like so many others, she had no way to know what "normal" was since her childhood home environment was - surprise - not normal.

To some extent your child too does not experience normal home life when with her mother.  You've absorbed a lot of |---> tools and skills (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0) while here.  I'm sure you've shared some of that (since minors can't register here).  You would do well to continue supporting her by continuing to share what skills you've learned.

There is a booklet that may be helpful for her to grasp the concept of protecting herself from poorly behaving people's actions.  It's described on our Book Club board, "An Umbrella for Alex" (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56239).  As I recall, it doesn't focus on diagnostic labels but does give age-appropriate practical insight and ways to deal with problems.

I think it would have helped to have a book like that when I was a child, but while BPD mother appeared to have the most difficult behaviors, she was not the only reason my family dynamics were not "normal". My father, who I still attribute the positives in the family to, also enabled the dynamics.

I didn't adopt BPD mother's behaviors. It was later when I had to work on my own co-dependent, people pleasing, enabling behaviors that I realized that these were dysfunctional behaviors, but in my FOO- these were the "normal" I thought they were.

So while I think this book would have been helpful to me as a child, it's also likely that I would not have ever seen it. The family rule was to uphold that BPD mother was "normal". To have exposed BPD mother would have caused her extreme distress. We appeared to be a "normal" family to people outside the family.

Protecting the children is a common topic of discussion, and while I don't know the road not taken in my situation, I don't believe that only one choice- to stay or leave is the better one. It's an individual situation. While my own focus is protecting the kids- it's not at the expense of the partner of the pwBPD or the pwBPD. IMHO, it's connected. The more each parent can work on their own emotional well being, I think the better they can set an example of "normal" for the kids. Sometimes only one parent is capable of that but that still sets an example.

This is kind of what I see; she's not adopting the dishonest, sneaky, emotionally manipulative traits her mom has, but feels responsible for her mom's behavior sometimes. 

I try not to dwell on negative memories and make negative statements about her mom, but have told her I don't like or agree with how her mom behaves and that was a big part of why we divorced.  She doesn't like it either and recognizes that's not how anyone should act. 

But I'm starting to pick up on times she says to me "my mom yelled at me for XYZ, but it was my fault for forgetting to do it/doing it wrong."  And I stop her now and ask if she did it wrong on purpose, or ignored her mom or something like that.  When she says "no" I tell her it's not her fault her mom yelled about that; yelling, getting angry over small stuff is not normal, her mom was wrong there, and she needs to recognize that it's not okay to allow someone to treat you like that (while acknowledging she has to learn to live there for the foreseeable future). 

hopefully this helps her a bit in the long term to recognize the issue...

This is where you are doing something different for her than what I experienced. I don't blame my father for doing what he knew to do at the time. He was juggling multiple responsibilities- providing all the finances in the family, having to work, and keeping my mother from escalating. Trying to reason with her didn't work, but he could reason with us. Basically, we were more controllable and not going to react like she did. That doesn't mean it was OK to do that, but in a crisis, it was like trying to tame down the drama in any way possible.


You have taken a different course of action. I agree that you don't want to speak poorly to your D about her mother. However, you can be a source of validation for her, for her own sense of reality, as you are doing. If she brings up questions about mental illness, you can encourage her to seek counseling to explain that to her. Student health counseling on college campuses is a good resource for college students when she's there.

The main "rule" in my family was "don't upset mother", so we all walked on eggshells. However, this led me to believe I was to blame for things that weren't my doing, such as the issues at home. I actually believed that when I went to college, things would be "normal" at home.

Your D is also learning that "don't upset BPD mother" is the way to avoid repurcussions but for her, it can be more of an adaptation to her situation rather than to adopt a false belief about herself, as you can validate that for her.

In a bit of an update, my D mentioned to me that her mom seemed to be in the process of "re-writing history" and was awkwardly joking about the accident while completely glossing over the fact that she was drunk while it happened. 

But my summer possession month is over now, so I won't see D much in the next couple weeks, until school resumes, and just have to hope for the best

Had a bit of a tiff with her mom, because the last two weeks prior to my summer possession, BPDxw was ignoring my texts to say goodnight to my D (we each usually call the other to talk to her every couple days when she's with the other parent)... and I could see that because she was sending read receipts!  When I told her I wasn't going to let her talk because of this, and if she allowed me to talk to her when summer was over, I'd reconsider, she called me "petty" and made a bunch of BS excuses why she didn't respond to me (I have the time stamps and read receipts though!). 

I later learned from my D that during this week and a half, her step-dad had run over their new puppy (possibly while drunk) killing it, and there was constant fighting and screaming about it in the house, because he replaced it with a new puppy and neither "adult" there wanted to manage the chore of house-breaking a puppy and training it. 

I wanted to bring this up in response but bit my tongue, because I know she would just take it out on my D for telling me...  :(

Also, when I drove my daughter back to her mom's place, we traced the route, and while my daughter wasn't exactly sure where the accident took place, there wasn't any sign of it that I could see (i.e. no knocked over mailbox or track marks off the road), but then again it was a couple weeks prior.  I'm wondering if the homeowner filed a police report that I could maybe match it up with, knowing the date and approximate time the accident occurred. 

Disclaimer: a bit of tongue in cheek here.
The police will have nothing for you if you don't ask. :(

Years ago my niece had a problem I could have helped her with.  But I found out too late.  I asked her why she didn't ask me an she replied that I might have said No.  I kindly informed her I might have said Yes!

There are times when it is good to stand up and ask.  It might be Yes - while the worst that can happen is the answer is No. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347849.msg13236581#msg13236581)

I talked to a PI.  He said they will file records requests and do a thorough background check on both of them to see what else they can find, regarding any contacts they've had with law enforcement.  I know of at least two occasions when police got involved due to fights between BPDxw and her boyfriend.  I'd also get a written report summarizing what they can collect passively (i.e. without active surveillance). 

Hi Witsend,

There was a time that my uNPD BIL had shared custody of young children but was unfit to parent.  He's an alcoholic and has a host of untreated medical issues (obesity, hypertension, diabetes, gout, failing kidneys) that severely impair his daily functioning.  He was falling asleep all the time (e.g. he needed to nap on the side of the road when making an hour-long trip; he slept most days during visitation).  He had several car accidents and near-misses, and he'd get lost on familiar routes (e.g. driving the kids home from school).  His car was perennially banged up.  His eyesight was failing, and he had episodes of brain fog--evidenced by incoherent texts and email messages.  He can't walk or stand without support (a cane or wheelchair).  Plus his house is a mess, and he wasn't able to put his kids' interests first.  Needless to say, he's long-term unemployed, a total train wreck.

The kids report that during a recent visitation, he had bandages on his wrist and elbow, which sounds to me like dialysis.  That would mean later-stage kidney failure.  I saw him briefly last month, from a distance, and he looked horrible.  I'd say he has only a couple of years left in him, maybe a little longer because he's not even 60 yet.  In my humble opinion, all of this was self-induced from excessive drinking and eating junk food, combined with the NPD attitude of I-can-do-whatever-I-want-because-I'm-special.  He thinks his body is special and that his ailments were caused by outside forces.  For example, he told his kids that his recent weeks-long hospital stay happened because he took too much ibuprofen one day for joint pain (probably caused by gout).  Yeah right, as if his kidneys suddenly failed because he popped a pill or two.  He denies a drinking problem, but he hasn't been able to comply with court-ordered breathalyzer tests.  He regularly skips the tests, when skipping counts as a fail.  He always blames the fails on the testing system, his lack of phone coverage, difficulties paying for the breathalyzer service, the loss of the equipment, the absurdity of the test, the unfairness of his ex to insist he's alcohol-free during visitation, etc.  Does the blaming and refusal to take responsibility sound familiar?  Classic NPD/BPD.

Anyway, like you, my sister feared for her kids' safety, and she hired a PI.  In parallel, when her ex was examined by CPS, there was a thorough review of public records on him.  If your ex is anything like the pwNPD in my life, there is a substantial public file.  The local police had had several interactions with him, some involving driving, others involving unsafe/belligerent/questionable behavior.  Also, because he refused ordinary medical treatment but was ailing, he regularly utilized the local Urgent Care system.  My sister was able to obtain multiple medical records by approaching all the Urgent Care facilities within a certain radius of his home.  The records there helped substantiate a pattern of alarming and ongoing, untreated health issues, as well as a pattern of not following doctors' orders and "shopping" for pain meds.  Basically, my sister was able to establish that he was too sick to care for young children, as he couldn't even take care of himself, and he was too impaired to drive the kids around.  Yes it was very expensive, but she feared for her kids' lives.  Though the court system was slow to act, ultimtely she got a safer, more manageable visitation regime for the kids, including a prohibition against him driving them.  Now Grandma does the driving.  And she's something like 90, but way safer than dad.

@CC43, in my case, BPDxw is pretty "high functioning" as far as BPDers go; education-wise she has two master's degrees, and at first glance, has a successful career (although when you dip into it, it doesn't make a lot of sense, and she basically just wandered away from one profession to do another).

That being said, her driving history is a mess, as well as her home and, there's a lot of chaos there, but she's good at hiding it. 

She knows how to play the game, and can pull it together to appear however she wants to appear; it also helps she can shamelessly lie through her teeth and cry on cue. 

Basically, I'm saying I would have a much harder time flipping custody (if it was even possible) short of her screwing up big time... something like a severe DUI accident.  Which is consistent with the actual legal advice I've received.  I'd rather not have the latter happen, as the risk that it would involve actual harm to my daughter is too high.  I'm thinking now that collecting information about it, might help if I need to send a message that she needs to shape up.  I don't know.

When BPDxw feels in control and secure, that's when bad things happen (e.g. the reckless drinking and driving)

In this latest incident, your daughter wasn't in ex's vehicle, which turned out to be a good thing.  Needless to say, I'm sure you've taught your daughter to always buckle up, be proactive whenever possible and not fear reporting serious problems.

Hi again,

I'm replying because my disordered BIL is exactly the same way.  He has a masters, possibly a doctorate (I don't remember).  He has a law degree.  On paper, his career looks great . . . until you get to know him.  He should have been a top earner, but he languished, because he's allergic to working and doesn't collaborate well.  Eventually he got fired from a cushy corporate job at a private company, though he blamed it on Covid.  My sister knows better, because he was given a performance improvement plan.  It was the sort of company that doesn't fire except as a last resort.

My BIL can't keep house.  It's as if he never graduated from living like a college kid in a frat house.  (My theory is that he is "stuck" in that stage of life, which I think might be why he spent so much time getting his degrees.  I'm pretty sure he spent more time in college/university than he did actually working.)  Having said that, he'll pull himself together and get his home in order to impress people, such as CPS.  Since he's smart, he can be charming and ingratiating, while lying through his teeth--he's extremely convincing.  All he has to do is buy time before the CPS in-person interview and hire some cleaners.  When CPS made their visits, they noted he had fresh flowers on the kitchen table.  I think they should have known that was a total set-up . . . but then again, he can be convincing when he wants to be.  The way he talks about himself seems delusional to me, and the ease with which he lies is stunning.  I know that NPD is distinct from BPD, but the delusional/distorted beliefs, demandingness, entitlement and exploitation of others can be amazingly similar.

I could go on for paragraphs about the horrible state of his home.  Let's just say that he and my sister bought their house over a decade ago, with the down payment provided by my sister (of course).  They've been separated for seven years, during which time my BIL has lived in the marital home on his own, unemployed the entire time.  As a result, he can't refinance the morgage to buy my sister out, and pursuant to the divorce decree, they have to sell the house and split the proceeds.  It took him over a year(!) to move out and put the home on the market.  According to Zillow, the value of the house should have more than doubled.  Yet the asking price is $450k less than the Zillow value, because he did that much damage to the home through general abuse and neglect of maintenance (e.g. leaky roof, septic needs replaced, A/C completely broken, plumbing issues, deck destroyed from snow/ice damage, yard completely overgrown, mold, pests, flooring a mess, etc.).  At this point I think my sister will be lucky if she gets her down payment back.

I'm not sure what you can take away from all this, except to document as much as you can.  I really hope your ex doesn't get into more car accidents.  But as she's disordered and a heavy drinker, and she's had issues in the past, the risk is real.  My experience is that if things are bad and your pwBPD/NPD isn't getting help or therapy, things generally don't get better.  In the case of my BIL, things definitely went downhill.  I'd say, he's gotten worse each year, as he's gradually lost his support system--his ex wife, parents, brother, his former friends.  I think everyone has had enough of over-functioning for him, and when he's left to his own devices, he's an utter mess.

I don't have anything helpful to say, but this is utterly horrifying and traumatic. I am so sorry your daughter has to live in that environment where life is treated as disposable like this

I don't think this is something you should be directly involved with because it could come back at you if a public accusation is made and there's not enough evidence to prove it.

However, if you can't let it go, then report it to crimestoppers.  Those are anonymous reports and you can just say, "I saw a <color> <make> <model> with tag number <abc1234> swerving out of control and it knocked over a mailbox on <road>.  The driver appeared intoxicated and was standing up out of the sunroof when this incident happened.  I'm notifying you because there were kids in the car and I was frightened for their safety."

I wish you luck, my friend, this would drive me bananas as well.  Nobody messes with my kids...that's the one rule in life I'll never compromise.

You could look for police blotters etc to find any evidence of the auto accident (if there was some kind of collision).

You could also call CPS and tell ask them in a theoretical sort of way. When my ex and I were still together, he had started to pass out while caring for the kids. I called CPS about it. Their reply was that they expected me to basically intervene and manage the situation to keep the kids safe, since I was the safe parent in the household, or I could seek to get the other parent removed. It was clear to me that the situation wasn't something I could manage so I got him removed.

I checked the local PD, and they don't have a police blotter on their site, or at least one that's public.  And this being a rural area, there's no newspaper or reporting going on.  I did find a website that tracks official accident reports and didn't see anything in the area that matched the description of her vehicle or the incident on that date, or the next day, if they reported it late.

I've paid a PI to see what they can dig up about this, if anything, and any other calls to her address over the years. 

It appears to come down to whether the homeowner who's mailbox was hit would call the police and at least file a report so there's something in the system, or just replace it. 

As far as getting CPS involved, I know they've been called a couple other times on her home due to excessive noisy fighting and arguments.  They didn't do anything and closed the file each time.  In this case, I could see it going nowhere again, as there's no evidence she was drinking (other than my daughter's testimony), and even if they buy it, I could see them concluding it was an isolated incident (it was her wedding day) and wouldn't happen again.  Everytime I've had contact with school counselors, CPS, etc. it seems like they're looking for an excuse to do nothing. 

One time my ex came to my home with an officer for a failed exchange.  Later when I tried to get the officer's record of the visit it was a simple page for the shift with columns including address and simple resolved or not resolved columns.  There was no detail about the interchanges or issues.  In that instance the records were unhelpful.

Yeah, I'm not expecting much, but I figured if there was a police report made that day regarding the accident, it could substantiate my claim and my daughter's claim of the incident.

a simple "Homeowner reports unknown vehicle hit their mailbox and drove away" would be something at least.  And any other details, such as "white SUV" would go a long way to confirming it, as well as subpoenaing any repairs or insurance claims she's had to make during that time

Well, the situation there at BPDxw's home has taken a very serious turn for the worst, and so it looks like things are about to get much more complicated for a while.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it must be there somewhere.  wish me luck.  Got a long way to go right now.  Will share more when able.

I'm sorry to hear that.

If you think a volcanic eruption is simmering over in ex's home, have your lawyer be alert if/when to file emergency paperwork to remove your daughter from the impending disaster, whatever it is.  Though since courts are usually slow, if emergency services action is needed, then the paperwork comes a close second.

Really sorry things have taken a turn for the worse. Believe me, I get it.

Re: CPS:
It may be less of a question of "they won't do anything" and more a question of "even though they might not do anything, I may have a responsibility to report, regardless of the outcome". Does that make sense? Ask your L.

I did file a report.  CPS came out guns blazing, but then (somewhat predictably) went quiet.  But they are involved, FWIW (it is apparently not worth much). 

Aside from that, I won my first legal hurdle; the court is taking things more seriously & gave me everything I asked for temporarily, putting BPDxw behind the 8 Ball.  More hearings coming up if we can't settle, but I'm in the driver's seat, which is good. 

One pattern I've seen over the years and particularly in my own family court hurdles is that courts are very passively reluctant to make major changes to custody and parenting time schedules.  Same goes for the associated professionals.

It's almost as though the court expects major fixes to be too shocking to the children, so they take a "least intervention that addresses the current situation" approach.  I recall my lawyer saying something like that and I remember thinking - or saying - "What if the child wants and needs big changes?"  My parenting in my divorce was like the markets, huge crash at the beginning and then stair stepping back up over time.

You may need to get the services of a trusted Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to represent the legal interests of the children.  I recall William Eddy observing that experienced lawyers don't make much money in such assignments and too often newbies find themselves overextended.  But beware, even there the GAL may go along with the court's passive pace and minimalist approach.  My son's GAL was great but it took a few years and a couple order improvements to attain an order that worked.