Advice on collecting evidence of DWI incident

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I recently got some news of an incident that occurred while my D was with her mom.  My D told me about it, although she was worried about telling me because she said her mom angrily demanded she promise NOT to tell me, and didn't want to suffer any blowback if she learned she told me (I said I would be discreet). 

The incident involved a drunk driving accident BPDxw caused.  Basically, they were returned from an event, and her mom had been drinking (daughter said the adults in the group had "a bunch of bottles of champaign").  In one car was BPDxw, her friend, and her friend's kids, and D was in the car behind watching this happen.

I guess, BPDxw tried putting her car in some kind of auto-pilot mode (this was not a Tesla, but an SUV with lane following assist), so she could stand in the sunroof while the car was driving. 

YES, with kids in the car, WHILE she was driving, she wanted to stand up in the sunroof, and feel the wind in her hair or whatever.  The car swerved dangerously the first time she tried it, and then she incredibly tried it again, and on the second attempt, the car veered off the road and hit a mailbox before coming to a stop in someone's yard.  A child in the car was apparently injured in the accident. 

I guess the car was still driveable, and they were able to get it home without getting caught, or anyone filing a police report, as far as I know. 

So my question:  How can I obtain evidence of this incident that would hold up in court? 

I'm thinking of calling the local PD, and asking if anyone reported any property damage like this, or the incident itself.  I think all the adults involved in the incident would deny it - even the parents of the child injured (they're that kind of people). 

According to my daughter, her step dad also drinks while driving... I don't know if her mom does, but I do know when her mom drinks, any self control goes out the window completely. 

Don't want to start an incident if it leads to nothing, but I also don't want to do nothing if it leads to my daughter being harmed if/when they do something like this again.  Also don't know if this is enough to go to court over...   Daughter mentioned living with me again, but said she was afraid of them being angry and abusive toward her during the time she would be at her mom's home if we flipped custody.

[PeteWitsend]

Hi everyone,

I recently got some news of an incident that occurred while my D was with her mom.  My D told me about it, although she was worried about telling me because she said her mom angrily demanded she promise NOT to tell me, and didn't want to suffer any blowback if she learned she told me (I said I would be discreet). 

The incident involved a drunk driving accident BPDxw caused.  Basically, they were returned from an event, and her mom had been drinking (daughter said the adults in the group had "a bunch of bottles of champaign").  In one car was BPDxw, her friend, and her friend's kids, and D was in the car behind watching this happen.

I guess, BPDxw tried putting her car in some kind of auto-pilot mode (this was not a Tesla, but an SUV with lane following assist), so she could stand in the sunroof while the car was driving. 

YES, with kids in the car, WHILE she was driving, she wanted to stand up in the sunroof, and feel the wind in her hair or whatever.  The car swerved dangerously the first time she tried it, and then she incredibly tried it again, and on the second attempt, the car veered off the road and hit a mailbox before coming to a stop in someone's yard.  A child in the car was apparently injured in the accident. 

I guess the car was still driveable, and they were able to get it home without getting caught, or anyone filing a police report, as far as I know. 

So my question:  How can I obtain evidence of this incident that would hold up in court? 

I'm thinking of calling the local PD, and asking if anyone reported any property damage like this, or the incident itself.  I think all the adults involved in the incident would deny it - even the parents of the child injured (they're that kind of people). 

According to my daughter, her step dad also drinks while driving... I don't know if her mom does, but I do know when her mom drinks, any self control goes out the window completely. 

Don't want to start an incident if it leads to nothing, but I also don't want to do nothing if it leads to my daughter being harmed if/when they do something like this again.  Also don't know if this is enough to go to court over...   Daughter mentioned living with me again, but said she was afraid of them being angry and abusive toward her during the time she would be at her mom's home if we flipped custody.

[ForeverDad]

Your divorce lawyer ought to be able to provide some ideas?

If your daughter is in counseling, she might share that with the counselor.  No idea if another's child is put at risk makes an enforceable difference.

My SUV is a few years old and if I'm using cruise control it will do some limited level of lane assist but if my hands leave the steering wheel for more than about 10 seconds it alerts and stops the lane assist.

[CC43]

Hi,

One sign that your daughter is telling the truth is that her mom swore her to secrecy!

One thing your daughter might do is approach a school counselor and express her concerns about her mother and stepdad driving drunk, because it puts her in harm's way.  That might impel the counselor to report, which might trigger a CPS investigation.

I don't know to what extent gathering evidence yourself would be admissable in court, but my recommendation would be to try to photograph your ex's car for damage (discreetly of course), and possibly the mailbox.  You know the mantra here--document, document, document.  Even if the "evidence" doesn't reach the courtroom, I think it might help substantiate a case, such as with CPS.  My sister did that sort of thing with her ex, who was an unsafe driver and got into accidents, some like the one you describe.  Ultimately, her kids' concerns about smaller accidents, near-misses and getting lost on familiar routes were enough for courts to remove their dad's ability to drive the kids anywhere.  I'm pretty sure it all started when one of the kids approached a school counselor about this.

If your ex is anything like my disordered uNPD family member, she will have a spotty driving record.  The police might have a file on her.  In other words, one report of a small accident with no police intervention or evidence might be disregarded.  But if you can establish a pattern and reason for ongoing concern, then you might get something done about it.  One standard approach would be to require a breathalyzer test whenever your daughter is driven by her mom, to ensure your daughter's safety.