Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 23, 2017, 03:48:57 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
How to choose a life partner Read here
Administrator: heartandwhole
Moderators: Meili, once removed
Member support team: DaddyBear77, Flourdust, Tattered Heart, Turkish, wendydarling, Woolspinner2000
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
What is the biology of the break-up... The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to do just about anything to make the hurt go away -- and that includes a host of unhealthy things ranging from demonizing their ex-partner, to excessive anger, to bashing whole groups of people.
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
Author Topic: Does silence really drive them crazy?  (Read 2734 times)
Offline Offline

Posts: 758

« on: January 23, 2010, 04:26:10 PM »

Why should my attention affect her at all?  She's getting attention from a bunch of different guys, so why would me going NC hurt her so much.  Or is she just saying that she's hurt and really isn't?  She has plenty of people fawning over her, why does she need me anymore?  Is it the fact that I've taken back some form of control and sanity over my life that bugs her?
All members still incontact with their partner should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions.
If you are evaluating a decision to stay or leave, please post on Conflicted and Deciding
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 832

« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2010, 04:36:07 PM »

I would like to see answers to this question too Val. It is as if my going NC drives him insane!
Offline Offline

Posts: 758

« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2010, 04:46:41 PM »

Yeah, it's always fine if they ignore us but it's never okay if we do it.  We're finally being the ones to push them away, and I guess that's just a loss of power for them.  And it does touch me that my exgf says she's hurting. I kind of believe it, because she'll never escape this BPD loop, and that's got to hurt.  But at the same time, she's flirting with other guys and starting up new relationships as if everything is okay.  Totally FUBAR to me.
Offline Offline

Posts: 473

« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2010, 05:51:38 PM »

im guessing because its a form of abandonment and they hate abandonment more then anything.

mine was texting me, cursing me off saying i mean absoultley NOTHING to her and she hates me and im a scumbag bla bla bla...then i blocked her number and went no contact, and she called my friend screaming and crying saying she just wanted to be my friend?   this is all when she had a new boyfriend too.    weirdest disorder ever

Offline Offline

Posts: 209

« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2010, 06:10:58 PM »

I had similar to the above in person "i hate you.i dont love you anymore"

i got upset and she said i cant be with you.

Then she held my hand i told her to get off "i dont want to say bye to you"

"i do love you and want to be with you"

all whilst she was texting her now b/f

Offline Offline

Posts: 709

« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2010, 07:50:14 PM »

Im totally looking forward to the reply's to this thread also!  I wink
Offline Offline

Posts: 758

« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2010, 07:55:56 PM »

Haha, she's intensifying the re-engages tonight!  Just got some crazy text from her saying how she was always there for me when I was feeling my lowest of lows...Yeah f&*(ing right?  And that she always wanted to cheer me up when I was sad.  This is completely backwards because she's describing what I did for her.  She was never there for me.  Silence really does make them crazy,  lol  How could she possibly think any of this is true?  After she left me how is that possible?
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 313

« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2010, 01:08:05 AM »

Why should my attention affect her at all?

A hallmark of BPD is denial. Soo...IMHO, when us Non's give them attention after they have repeatedly kicked us in the teeth, it says to them, "What you did/who you are really isn't bad enough to make me never want to talk to you again." and reinforces their denial. Us giving them attention allows them to not deal with the fact that they ran yet another person off in their life. This is also probably why they never seek/avoid closure and continue re-engages years later.

How could she possibly think any of this is true?  After she left me how is that possible?

I think we all have a very difficult time with this. I don't know if they convince themselves of this to avoid acknowledging how sick/twisted/evil their behavior is (and thus further pain), or if they know better and just want to suck us back into the FOG which would allow them to repress acknowledgement of their inner filth.

I take solace that one day when her physical beauty has faded, she will be forced to sit with herself and that hideous beast within. And NO ONE will be able to slay that beast but her. Maybe then she will have her emancipation...

Offline Offline

Posts: 1853

« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2010, 09:27:51 AM »

Yes LeroyBrown, some day, they do get old and wrinkled, they will lose that outer beauty and all that will be left is the inner ugliness. It's going to be a real bad time for them...real bad. Reality sucks for them. Another thing...they try and keep in touch with us so as to have us a the fall back in case the new victim doesn't work out...or maybe to have an affair with us, while with the new victim. If the new victim isn't around because they are working or whatever, it's always nice to have a "friend" to "play" with. Don't play the game...you will get hurt...promises will be made, they will dump you, over and over and over. Do not become their toy.

Live each day like it is your last day to live BUT be sure it is your life you're living.
Offline Offline

Posts: 207

« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2010, 09:31:54 AM »

I've read somewhere that our silence is the absolute worst thing you can "say" to them.  Ignoring a person who has BPD/NPD is the WORST thing you can do to them.  It drives them crazy because they want the attention...ANY...sort of attention from us.

I remember during one of our break-ups something he wrote in an email to me.  He broke up with me an in email...out of the blue kinda thing.  I never responded back to him...I just let it go, even though it killed me to go NC (we are neighbors).  So...I completely changed my routine...didn't drive down his street...just sort of fell off the face of the earth, as far as he was concerned.

His email to me was very telling:  "Why don't you drive down my street anymore?  Why are you ignoring me?", etc. etc.

So...yes, I think it does drive them crazy.  I mean...doesn't it drive US crazy that they are silent?  
Links and Information
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements

Google+ (Professional)

Your Account

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
Jump to:  

Just been thrown from the roller coaster? Stepping off? Are you emotionally raw? Is your self-esteem crashing? Work with us to get to steady ground.

What is BPD?
Should I post on this board?

Clinical Information
Self-help Material

The Lessons
1. Healing - the big picture
2. Understand your situation

The five stages of Detachment

1 Acknowledgment- we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings.

2 Self-Inquiry- we then probe the feelings - it's important to find a way to explore your feelings that allows you both to be present with them and to stand a little aside from them.

3 Processing- become aware of what has been useful in the journey you've just taken, regardless of how it all turned out.

4 Creative Action- start something new with real enthusiasm for the doing of it, rather than out of the need to prove something.

5 Freedom - the stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being.

Participate Here

Frequently asked questions
... about BPD.
... about using the board.

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2017, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!