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Author Topic: Does it take longer for BPD/NPD behaviour to show in Long Distance Relationship?  (Read 1658 times)
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Gender: Female
Posts: 641

« on: December 01, 2011, 07:13:43 PM »

I don't think this would make a huge difference as the push pull and devaluation would still be visible though i do acknowledge othe BPD/NPD behaviours may be more hidden due to the distance.

One of my best girlfriends was unlucky to get involved in a LDR (city to city) with a BPD/NPD and that relationship failed shortly after  idealisation (4-5months possibly shorter) and in that time she still managed to see many red flags  |> in such a short time.

Did anyone have a LDR with a BPD/NPD that could shed some light on this?


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Gender: Female
Posts: 29

« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2011, 07:38:37 PM »

Yes! My BPDex was deployed when we met online. We chatted on messenger and emailed every day for 2 1/2 months. There were some red flags, but he could make excuses and cover his tracks. I now realize that he was already doing the push/pull thing, but I didn't know anything about BPD or think any more of it than that he was a little moody. I had no idea what I had really fallen into until he showed up at my door...and never left. Drug and alcohol abuse, intolerance for anyone/anything, and extreme jealousy started showing almost immediately, and it just continued to escalate. I kept ignoring the gazillion red flags because I was in love...sigh...
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Posts: 85

« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2011, 07:39:31 PM »

Hello Light...

Hmm...that's a good question.  I guess it would have a lot to do with how much you get to interact with the long distance BPD.  Mine lived a little over an hour away - not really long distance - but I didn't see him but maybe once or twice a week.  There were times we talked, emailed and/or texted regularly, however, it wasn't unusual for him to not contact me for two days or so (when things seemed good).  Little did I know that he had several other women on the side.  

I don't know the success rates of long distance relationships with healthy individuals - I know it can't be easy - let alone one who has a partner with BPD.  I wonder if some BPD's purposely look for long distance relationships so that they can protect themselves from the intimacy issues they all seem to struggle with?  I would think it might take a little longer to see all the behaviors if you're not spending as much time with them, but I don't think there would be much of a difference in how *soon* a red flag, or two, would surface.

I have no idea if any of that makes any sense at all.   lol  
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Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 1740

« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2011, 07:57:10 PM »

We lived two hours apart. The first date I knew he was somewhat eccentric. The second there was a huge red flag that i ignored and knew at the time i shouldnt.

He stated I was the only one he was seeing but days would sometimes go by when I couldn't reach him.

Within a month I discovered a lie and he had been seeing someone else but telling me he was working out if town.

I ignored so many red flags. We were together after a few months nearly every weekend and we lasted a year.

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« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2011, 10:28:09 PM »

12 hours of distance separated myself and my exBPD. We were together for 3 months (short-lived, but the most intense relationship I've ever had). Looking back in retrospect, I see the red flags. They showed up after the first month. First month was absolutely amazing. I then told him I missed him and was slightly upset with him, as he wouldn't commit to making plans with me. Weeks would go by, and as he stated the most amazing words, his actions amounted to nothing. I couldn't understand why at the time. He got angry with me that he gave me the silent treatment for 5 days. It began to go downhill from there. Hypothetically speaking, all he had to say was, "okay, let's chat tonight and figure it out." My mind was consumed with thoughts of him seeing another woman, as I couldn't understand why he did the things he did, which also included ignoring me on weekends and calling me once a day for a minute or 2. I later found out that he had a child, ex wife (at 34 yrs old), criminal history, financial trouble, etc...The thing is, I saw red flags, but when ___ hit the fan, I took the blame, as it was the easiest way to cope with the issues. Looking back, he never apologized once, and everything I found out after the fact, led me to the discovery that he was living this double life that I had no idea about. The long distance allowed him to hide all of his skeletons. It wasn't until reality struck me that I realized he was up to no good. When I started to question him a little more - why he didn't want me to visit his city...why he would go all weekend barely speaking to me, which is the time of the week where people usually have more time on their hands as opposed to the million texts and calls throughout the work week (makes no sense, right?)? Interesting how many red flags I see now. Once he felt that I was not satisfying his selfish needs, he found a reason to break up with me and move on without ever contacting me again. Such a disgrace.

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Gender: Female
Posts: 641

« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2011, 11:00:19 PM »


Your story strikes a chord as we are the same age (well actually you are drinking from the fountain of youth slightly more im 28 ...boo!  lol)

I know at the moment it may be hard to see but you were given a blessing in disguise of three months    However i understand due to the intensity of these individuals and drawing upon my experience and my best girlfriend's experience it can be devastating nevertheless.

My Girlfriend met a guy in April/May and from what she told me immediately my BPD horns pricke up!

I got to meet this guy myself and things stuck out however i had no idea for what she would tell me after that weekend we all spent together when she called me in tears (im sre this was August) to let me know how he had dumped her and not only this, he delivered this "kind" blow the same weekend we all spent together  cry My dear friend had been somehow holding herself together and when she divulged the cruelty... NPD's are great actors. However he did not have me hoodwinked fully there was just something about this guy, the way he persued her, the whole story read like one of ours?

I showed my friend these boards, talked to her about BPD/NPD behaviours and then... surprise surprise... the guy who had so badly wanted to move to our hometown to be with my friend, the guy who professed his love to my friend after a few weeks, the guy who dedicated a song to my friend via video publicly on FB .. found another woman.. also broadcast over FB leaving her heartbroken.

Marble you are in the prime of life, run! Dont walk, work through your pain but realise your worth so much more.

It still amazes me how they dont tell us about the ex wifes... mine told me about his due to default (we first were friends before we entered a relationship) however when he cheated on me with the first girl he was grooming to take my place he did not tell her about having been married before and i can bet he possibly hasn't told his latest girlfriend about his ex wife.


I read your story on another thread you know still i can't believe the "cruelty" that each of us has suffered i think thats the hardest part of this journey at times...

MovingForward and EL no it makes total sense, i read also they prefer long distance and it would definately make sense r.e engulfment/intimacy etc Its so interesting to read everyones stories and what they witnessed.

Thanks guys 

"It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken"

" Do Or Do Not.. There Is No Try" - Yoda



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