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Author Topic: new relationship?  (Read 882 times)
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2810

« on: February 02, 2012, 10:53:16 PM »

I sure don't know about this one. It began suddenly and it is intense, but I don't think this guy has a PD. I don't think anyone is doing BPD mirroring. the problem is that I met him while I was traveling. I needed help with a ticket machine in Paris and turned to the person behind me and he helped me. We ended up having a very pleasant day and I went on to Bordeaux for a retreat, but kept in touch. He came to visit me last weekend and everything worked well. No gaslighting, no criticism, lots of appreciation and respect--BUT it is intense. It is going to be difficult to tell what's what because it is LD (I know, that's flaggy). I am going there in about two weeks and he has two trips planned for March to see me. Are all LD r/s's doomed? Let me say more about him: he was married for 25 years and his wife cheated on him and he told her to choose--she didn't--he told her to move out. He has been alone for a year. Judging from what he says, I think his wife has PD traits. this man has been incredibly sweet to me--the polar opposite of my ex. I guess all I can do is let more time go by and see what happens.


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Posts: 2366

« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2012, 11:47:52 PM »

What is important to you for your next relationship?  

If you are looking for someone to spend time with everyday then unless at least one of you would be willing to relocate then this one might not be the right one for you long term.  OTH if you don't want or need frequent physical contact then this could work out fine indefinitely.  Of course you can take as much time as you want to figure it all out and enjoy things as they come.
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2810

« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2012, 01:42:51 PM »

Yes, I think time will tell whether this can work. I have discovered some new things about him, namely, that he is getting a little needy and clingy, which is a bit of a Red Flag . My T thinks that he may have been codependent in his r/s with his wife. He called me about 6 times when I was out last night and got quite exercised and worried when he could not reach me (I had told him I would be out but he forgot). Also he seems to idealize me a bit too much to fill some need in himself. I hope he will get a T. One day at a time. I am going to visit him in a couple of weeks and will save in-depth conversations about all this until then. On my side, when I start feelings crowded I tend to withdraw, which I will also have to explain to him.

Thanks for your comment,



The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.
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Posts: 320

« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2012, 06:28:49 PM »


Only you can say, with any confidence, whether you see any future in this relationship.. I'm talking about serious potential rather than an idyllic, romantic view.

Most of my previous relationships have been long distance, I've found myself moving away from my support network and making a leap of faith. It will never ever, ever work for me. But if you are the type of person who can establish a new social network fairly quickly then you can take that chance..

Sorry to sound so cynical but life has a habit of doing that.
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Gender: Female
Posts: 123

why am i back again?

« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2012, 06:52:35 PM »

i just had one kinda like this.. it got really intense really quickly. he seemed to wanna do anything for me.. really cared about my well being etc.. was pretty self deprecating told me about his ex wife being an addict and how mean she was etc... well i thought he was amazing and wonderful and just a lil sad and lonely.. we had a fight and he totally blocked me out of his life.. possibly permanently? who knows.. i'm not saying this is your situation.. just be wary of the intensity and keep a close guard over your heart! the key is can you communicate well and work things out..
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Posts: 3182

« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2012, 08:23:13 PM »

He called me about 6 times when I was out last night and got quite exercised and worried when he could not reach me (I had told him I would be out but he forgot)

That would give me pause...both the number and getting hyped up about your not being reached. Maybe nothing...it's just one time, after all...but something to be aware of. Doesn't matter if you were out or were home and just not answering.

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Gender: Female
Posts: 2810

« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2012, 11:04:02 AM »

He hasn't done that again and so far so good in terms of communication, but it is an LD r/s, so we'll see. I went to see him last weekend and he has three trips planned for here in the next two months and then we have tentative plans for more extended time during the summer. I think it is too soon to tell. We do get along very well--so far. I will remain wary.


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Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 5882

« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2012, 12:22:33 PM »

  LD r/s are hard and I've always preached, even before I joined here, that they can't possibly be real, everyone is on their best behavior. How can you really know a person when you don't have the opportunity to see them everyday, to see how they react to everyday situations? (or at least have that option) I've since taken the word impossible out of my vocabulary...as much as I can anyway. I just know it would take an appropriate amount of time, and Im not sure how much time here, to get to know this person. Does he have a full life outside of the time he speaks with you or whilst planning the next visit with you? Is he social where he lives? Does he have a life? This is how I would gage his healthy mindedness if that makes sense.

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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Gender: Female
Posts: 2810

« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2012, 01:19:56 PM »

suzn: yes, I am watching for all those things. He has a very demanding job and is a public figure in relation to it. He definitely has a life. I wouldn't be interested at all if he didn't. I have the impression he does not have as many friends as I do, but my circle is VERY wide given all my different activities. Our next visits will incorporate our circles of friends--that is the plan, so we'll see. Yes, I agree that people are on their best behavior during visits and we have even discussed that. Nonetheless, I am watching closely. I see no signs of a PD. If there is a problem it might be more in the direction of co-dependent but I am not sure of that either. I have discussed him with my T and she suggested watching for that.



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