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Think About It... Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from abusive relationships because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources - and the emotions on both sides "amp" up. The best exit is one where you are boring and resigned. ~ Joseph Carver, PhD.
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Author Topic: She dumped me, again...  (Read 3524 times)
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Gender: Male
Posts: 63

« on: July 11, 2012, 06:29:11 PM »

First post and thread here, been reading a ton since the first break up between me (24yr) and my ex (20yr) in late February 2012. I was told about BPD by a good friend who has been diagnosed, she stated my former girlfriend acts exactly the same way and has a similar parent dynamic as hers, as well as a similar experience with a family member being sexually abusive. My ex has never been diagnosed or even seen a professional.

She begged me to come back to her around mid-April after a exactly a month of No Contact.

Through reading almost everything I can find relating to BPD, I have been able to figure out she is a low-functioning BPD with some small windows of heightened awareness. She has most of the typical symptoms, but the most damaging is the explosive anger that can come without warning. She also lies relentlessly and has a problem with normal social interactions. She over-shares constantly and all the other usual habits of a BPD girl.

I could write about this for hours, but I'll focus on the latest issue, which has pushed me to seek some specific advice on my situation. Although I'll go into detail about the beginning of the relationship to clear up some of the obvious questions.

We've been together for 5 years, we met when she was very young. Her parents met me the first time I met her, at church. At first they were scared I was simply trying to use her for sex and dump her, but I was genuinely interested in just getting to know her. We were exclusive to each other (without sex) for almost two years, "dating" without her parent's consent. We rarely saw each other, and it was very special when we did. When she finally turned 18, they allowed us to see each other freely.

We've lived together, I moved to another city so we didn't have to be apart when she attended college. I run my own business from a laptop, which allows me to be 100% mobile. We moved back to her home town in December, after only 5 months of me moving there, because she wanted to be close to her newly-divorced mother and little brother (who she basically raised.)

Quick note on her mother, completely insane woman. She orders everyone around to do cleaning, I mean everyone. If you don't do as she asks RIGHT NOW, you are labeled lazy and insulted for days on end. Master manipulator, she gets everything she wants, and the consequences can be absolutely devastating when she doesn't. She locks herself in her bedroom for HOURS waiting for someone to come and beg for her forgiveness. Also has every possible symptom of Narc and High-functioning BPD.

Fast forward to early morning July 5th (yes, last week), I get a call from her saying she isn't happy and we need to break up, again. The original reason she walked away in February was that she wanted to experience sex with other people, and she did 2 days after ending it, 3 days before my birthday.

Keep in mind I didn't know anything about her sexual experience with this new guy until almost a month AFTER she ~ me back in. I immediately broke up with her, she begged me not to leave her because she would kill herself without me and never be happy. I decided to try to work through it and forgive her. Although her stance quickly changed to anger, as she said she didn't owe me an apology because we weren't technically together.

It all started on the night of July 4th, where she got very drunk (thanks to her mom.) I was concerned about her two girlfriends who came over for the block party they were hosting, one of them is openly bisexual and the other is semi-open about it.

Knowing my former girlfriend's past of sexual abuse by a female family member, I knew she wanted to experiment with girls, or at least I knew she was turned on by lesbian porn. But she denied everything as usual, I was just being insecure according to her. Even though they constantly grabbed each other sexually. I had expressed multiple times how it made me uncomfortable when they have sleep-overs and/or change together.

While we are sitting at the dinner table, her two friends and her are facing me. My ex asks if she can "shotgun" off of her friend's mouth. We were smoking hookah, which is a form of water cooled tobacco. I said sure, just don't "make out with her," jokingly.

As I predicted, they locked lips for what seemed to me like forever, and her openly bisexual friend blew the smoke into my ex's mouth. I was honestly shocked, probably not a good way to react to the sensitive subject. I got up and left to avoid showing any anger.

I came back a few minutes later, she asked what my problem was and I simply said I didn't appreciate her kissing a girl like that. She then proceeded to kick me out of her house, to which I obliged quickly, given I was really mad.

Keep in mind I usually react to her threats or meanness with no anger.

So the next morning, she calls me and dumps me. As I told her the first time she did this, that if it happened again, it would be the last time. My boundary didn't work as planned, I didn't want her to break up with me, but she said it didn't matter because she isn't happy.

Now that a few days have passed, my anger has resided and I'm feeling very confused about what to do.

Her and I have an incredibly well connected friendship, as well as a very active love life. We are best friends, but then bad times are extremely, well, bad.

My question is, when do I say ENOUGH? She is going through an incredibly hard time with her family's divorce, and a very recent family death. I understand she can't handle her own emotions, let alone mine, and her family's.

I forgave the having sex with some dude she barely knew, the constant lying about it, and the horrible treatments she can put me through. How do us Non's can stand so much, then be discarded because of something SHE did?

I guess I'm hoping someone will say to call her, explain that I don't want to be without her, and get back together. But the reality stings, my entire family hates her. All my friends hate her, she is mean and has managed to alienate me from everyone I know.

Feel free to ask away, I'm honestly not even sure what to think anymore. A brief explanation of what I've been able to identify about WHY I'm so attracted to her is below:

1. Co-dependency, huge factor, I rely on her daily for love and affection, which is something I have to fight to get.

2. Single mother, grew up protecting my mother from a careless father, left us when I was 11 for another family.

3. Self-esteem, while dating her, we've both gained a TON of weight. I used to be extremely confident and very athletic. Now I'm around 60 pounds overweight.

4. Other small factors I'm still working to understand.

Also, the relationship was doing fine the day before. We were even talking about possibly buying a place close to the school she now attends and her work. Even discussing if I should ask her newly-painted-black father for permission to marry her in the fall. So all this came as a surprise. I've been NC since that morning, exactly one week ago tomorrow.

Thanks for reading and any replies, any kind of feedback will definitely help figure out my next step.  ?
All members still incontact with their partner should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions.
If you are evaluating a decision to stay or leave, please post on Conflicted and Deciding
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1989

Actions speak louder than words

« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2012, 02:28:31 AM »

Hi Danhealing

You say you are hoping someone will tell you to call her. I doubt that anyone will say that to you on here as it's the leaving board and I think you need to think about why you are posting on it.

I just mean that only you can decide what to do at this point. I almost lost my sanity at the end of my time with my BPD ex and I understand the absolute confusion of loving someone who treats you in ways you just cannot comprehend.. Maybe it will help you to read other people's stories. You will find similarities to your own and that might give you the strength you need to make a decision.

If you decide to maintain NC it will get better. I'm feeling a little better but only a little- it's early days for me, just 1 month. His presence is fading, very slightly.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Denial is what we use to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know. It is the shock absorber for the soul.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 63

« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2012, 08:54:34 AM »

Thank you Maria1, I've had a rough morning since all I want to do is call to start a conversation. The knot in my sternum feels like a permanent affliction, I can't seem to function correctly anymore.
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Posts: 63

« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2012, 09:05:58 AM »

I would say move on unless you enjoy constant turmoil and increasing dysfunction.  I do not mean to sound callous, but I am twenty years past the point that I was in the same position.  Everyone told me to walk away and I did for a while.  Then all sweet and better.  We are now married with three kids and I wish I had walked away and saved myself and my kids all the hurt and pain.

There is someone who will love you and treat you right.  You are young and can do anything you want.  Take your sanity and run in the other direction.  It is hard now, but it will get easier.  You deserve better and these things won't change and will likely get worse.

Good luck.
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Gender: Female
Posts: 1989

Actions speak louder than words

« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2012, 09:16:12 AM »

I know that knot- if you go back the know will come again, next time she dumps you, only it will be bigger and more painful. I have had 3 weeks no contact now, 1 month since I saw him before I realised he was BPD.

Until 2 days ago I cried every day. I wake up every day feeling I have been kicked in the guts. I thought this man was more truthful than anybody in my life had ever been. He was, in fact, the biggest liar. He lied to himself. But everything he does is symptomatic of his illness and all I did for him was allow him to continue playing the victim and blaming everybody else for all the crap in his life.

Now I am part of the fault- he has moved on and I and my children are left shattered. But it is FADING. It's starting to. I know it wouldn't be if I had allowed myself any form of contact. I changed mobiles, I'm not on facebook and, when he persisted in emailing me and got just slightly threatening, I got the police involved.

He won't be back I think. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before BUT it's fading.

Stay strong. Every hour you don't contact her is another hour moving forward. And you can feel pleased with every day and every week that goes by. It really is the only way to heal. If you want to.

Denial is what we use to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know. It is the shock absorber for the soul.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 77

« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2012, 09:38:48 AM »

Wow Dan,  I feel for you buddy.  I think everyone on here has experienced this to one degree or another and can completly relate to where you're at.  I know how much you want her and want to be with her.  I too long to be back with my BPD wife but the cold hard truth of the matter is that they're not going to change.  We fool ourselves into thinking that "this time" will be different.  I know more than I ever have and I'm certain that I can manage her.  If we did this or that we could turn things around and everything will be as it was in the "idealization" stage.  We crave it like a drug.  In all reality though... It's futile.  They won't change their behaviors and things are only going to get worse.  You're young.  Trust me when I tell you to detatch yourself from this now and go out and find yourself a woman who will love you and treat you with kindness and respect. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get this woman pregnant! Just quit while you're ahead and walk away.
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Gender: Male
Posts: 63

« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2012, 10:20:03 AM »

Thank you everyone, I value your experience, I can't imagine how I'll be feeling several months from now. Hopefully all my friends and family are right about time healing the wounds.

I do want to heal, but at the same time, I've been on this road for such a long time. It feels like I'm abandoning my unborn family, as ridiculous as that sounds. We weren't engaged officially, but when I gave her the diamond ring after we got back together, I proposed and she said yes.

For me, the hardest part is the fact that she blames me for the breakup. Her good friend (who I thought was mine, too) told me all these complaints I was never made aware of. It's like they have to excuse their actions with plausible mistakes I never made.

Nobody in my life knows this, but I have a feeling she's pregnant. Her and I were talking about babies on the 4th (the day before she dumped me) after her cousin (who sexually abused her) came over with her newborn. I'm terrified. The next few weeks could really change my life.

« Last Edit: July 12, 2012, 10:28:30 AM by DanHealing » Logged



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