How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Adapted from Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A.

Regardless of how a person with Borderline Personality Disorder alters and tailor her appearance and actions to please others, she often presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings wildly back and forth from one phase to the next.

Love: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase

At first, a Borderline female may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her."

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Love When You have Borderline Personality Disorder

Written by a member with a mother suffering from BPD

I am recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder and I am a senior member at BPDFamily.com. I can't speak for everyone, but I'm in a large support group with other recovering "borderlines", so I speak from more than just my personal experience.

Some of you, partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder, worry that your relationship was just a game - that your lover was using you and felt nothing for you.

It’s probably not true.

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The Perceptions of the Loved-one and the BPD are Very Different

Written by Jean Holstein, parent of a child with BPD

BPD is a devastating disorder and the perceptions of the loved one and the BPD are very different - but equally painful.

Below, a recovering BPD mother discusses BPD from inside her own mind and that of her daughter's. ~~

Even though my BPD daughter can logically understand "gray" [the emotional middle ground], emotionally, all she can feel is "black or white" [the emotional extremes].

Having BPD, I can really relate to this. I don't know if I, or any BPD, can ever learn to feel the "gray".

The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) model is logical; "mind meeting emotional" - "mind creating wise mind". But sometimes it just doesn't work; you understand the logic but can't correlate the feelings. It's hard when you don't know if you can trust your feelings or if you should override them.

We struggle with this a lot.

I liken it to being color blind and needing to trust that the bottom traffic light is green but still worrying that it's not, or what to do if I come to a horizontal traffic light.

Here is another way I tried to explain this to my therapist. I'm in a room full of poles of mixed colors, but I'm color blind. The red poles will shock me if I touch them. I struggle through the room trying to learn which poles will shock me and which won't. The world sees this as an easy task, but until recently, I didn't I realize that I was color blind.

Life sometimes sucks and I want to just sit in a corner and never move again. But my kids need me, so I struggle through knowing about my disability and trying really hard to find my way.

It's really hard.